Does this sound like it was ever true love or a fantasy?

[stevie_23]

Long story coming, so apologies in advance for anyone who actually reads it.

 

I’d known my recent-ex since around 2009 / 2010 when we met on a songwriting forum online. We were just casual forum friends, like everyone else on there. In early April 2011, we became very close very quickly and sent private msgs to each other a few times a day through the forum.

 

I realised I had feelings for him (and he for me), which was interesting because (a) He was 59 and I was 32, (b) I thought I was gay before developing these feelings, © Both of us have other long term partners, and (d) He lives half a world away. But I let the feelings develop as I thought they were “safe”, since I was “gay” and we were both taken.

 

We both admitted our feelings and became a couple online. We emailed several times a day, long and intimate emails. Soon we were doing videos for each other to watch (just normal things, talking to each other, putting on my makeup, driving, cooking, wandering around the house chatting, etc), and by July we were chatting on gmail live chat twice a day for about 2 hours at a time. 2 months later, we began texting. Basically, whenever both of us were awake (due to the time zone difference of 14 hours), we’d be chatting on gmail or texting. When one of us was asleep, the other would be emailing and doing videos. It was all consuming.

 

In November 2011, his partner found out about us. She saw he’d been sending a heap of texts to an Australian number on his work phone and although there was no charge for the texts, she saw them when she looked up the online records, and also she was aware of (and threatened by) me a few months earlier as she hacked into his music forum account and noticed some messages he’d sent to me very early on. She is a bit of an online “stalker” of both him and her 3 adult children. She’s apparently always been this way, even before he gave her a reason to be paranoid. He then got a secret phone and we continued texting, and he was more careful when he chatted with me on gmail (only when she was at work or asleep).

 

Things were going well for us. He was always talking about how he was so unhappy living there with her and her 3 kids, how he never had any space, and how we could somehow be together in person one day (soon). There were MANY practical issues in our way though, and we fought increasingly about them. He came up with various plans of how he could extricate himself from his situation and be with me properly. Money was always the issue. Neither of us had enough to do anything. He had never been in love with his partner, he also said, and it was more of a domestic partnership. They hardly see each other and he prefers it that way. They never talk about anything more than casual small talk and about her work issues. Her priority is her family and everything else comes a distant second, including him. He said if I was free (not with my long term real life partner), he would come to me in a second, without any hesitation or doubts about leaving her.

 

But every time she would “get in the way” of us being together online (and I feel terrible saying that about her, since I obviously feel sorry for her, as well as my own partner, who I care for very much), like if she’d get up earlier than expected and interrupt our chat, etc, we’d have a fight about it. I’d accuse him of not loving me enough to leave her so we could be free to be together online when we wanted.

 

In March of 2012, we had another fight and he “disappeared” for 2 days. It was torture for me. Both of us had always been very clingy and needful of each other and spent as much time together as possible given both of our circumstances and other partners. He cut off all contact with me with no notice or prior warning. When he came back, he said he had done it as he needed time to think and work through his thoughts and it wasn’t really about me or our fight, but when our stability was not strong, he lost his footing emotionally and had to back away from everything to see how he felt. He apologised and said he’d never do that to me again, and that he realised he couldn’t live without me.

 

In May, we had another fight, and he disappeared again, this time for 3 days. When he came back, he said the same things but wasn’t as sorry as the previous time.

 

2 weeks later he disappeared again, but this time we’d had no fight, and his last text to me said he was feeling disoriented and sick and needed to lie down. I was so worried when I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. I thought he may have had a stroke or died. I tracked him down eventually on another music forum and he quickly wrote that he was in the hospital with extreme Lyme Disease (he’d had it for about 40 years and it was chronic) that had affected his heart and brain, and he was on his partner’s laptop so it wasn’t safe to talk to me. I felt hurt and rejected, and like I’d lost him.

 

He got out of the hospital a week later and emailed me, saying he was never left alone in the house cause he’d been so sick, and they were talking about marriage because his medical costs would be over $20,000 and his partner’s employer had medical insurance, but he could only access it if they got married. He didn’t want to. He only wanted to marry me. His partner had asked him to marry her last year but he’d said no.

 

He also said he couldn’t find his phone and assumed his partner must have found it while he was in the hospital, but she hadn’t said anything about it. Then 3 days later he emailed again saying they were getting married and he didn’t know what would happen now.

 

A week later he emailed again (there was no other contact now besides these infrequent emails) and told me they’d gotten married in a civil ceremony and we could no longer be together. Not because of the marriage (he didn’t care about honouring that), but because of his health, which was bad at that time and he didn’t know if it would ever improve. He thought he’d never be the same and he felt so old and sick now, and was tied to his wife due to her insurance and as someone to take care of him as he got older. He said he couldn’t burden me with that, and that he couldn’t be the husband he so wanted to be for me.

 

I didn’t really think this was the end, so I wrote back, saying he was wrong and we could overcome everything if we just stayed together, and that I would love him forever. But he didn’t write back. Didn’t check his email account again. I felt ridiculously helpless and horribly alone.

 

All throughout our time prior to this, he said he would never leave me, that he loved me more than anything and couldn’t live without me. We called each other husband and wife. I had never felt so desired, so appreciated, encouraged, loved, wanted and needed. I trusted him 100% never to do anything to hurt me. I had been through some tough times earlier in our relationship and he had supported me fully and gotten me through it, completely unwavering.

 

I kept trying, not too frequently but enough, to reach him through the other music forum he still used (he’d abandoned the one we met on as he couldn’t bear to see me or hear the songs that I was writing - all about him - or my voice which he’d loved so much), and a month later, he finally responded, saying his mental sharpness had declined to the point he couldn’t safely be with me online anymore (without his wife finding out), and we couldn’t ever be together in person now due to him being stuck with her for financial and health reasons.

 

We sent a few loving messages back and forth, saying we appreciated our time together and that the other was the most amazing woman / man we’d ever known, and then slowly, he came back to me. He got a new email account and we began chatting again, when his wife was asleep or out of the house. We started doing videos again. His mental sharpness improved slowly (it wasn’t that bad to begin with, unless he was very tired. Then he’d forget things).

 

He got married properly at his wife’s church 5 days after we came properly back together, and said it was the hardest day of his life and that he needed me to stand by his side spiritually to get through it. Then they went on their honeymoon (he refused to call it that) for 7 days, and an hour after he got back, he emailed me. 3 days after that, he found his phone (his wife didn’t have it, it had just fallen behind some stuff in his music studio) and we were BACK. I was so happy and relieved. I considered that month prior to be one of the hardest times in my life.

 

3 weeks later, his wife found out about us again. We’d chatted early in his morning (my evening) and he’d been groggy and had fallen asleep, forgetting he hadn’t signed out of his email account. He had a shower and when he came back, his wife was at his computer, reading his emails to me and mine to him. She also had his secret phone in her hand (he hadn’t put it back in its hiding place like he always did). She deleted his email account and took his phone and threw it away. She also emailed me herself, telling me various things like I would never hear from “them” again. 2 hours after she’d sent her email (and then went to work, without any further discussion with him about it, he sent me a message on our music forum to tell me what had happened.

 

I expected he would keep contacting me through that forum for a while, but he went silent for 2 weeks, which hurt and confused me. I didn’t understand why he didn’t talk to me when his wife was at work and it was safe.

 

Finally, he started sending messages again and then within a week we were back to proper emailing, chatting (strictly when his wife was out) and 2 weeks after that, he got a new secret phone. We were, once again, back. It felt great.

 

Except I was constantly worried his wife would find out again and this had become a huge source of anxiety and almost a phobia for me. I asked him directly if she DID find out again, would we be over. He said no, but he’d be out of that house. I didn’t believe that for a second. We devised some basic rules to safeguard our contact together from his wife, such as only ever chatting when she was at work (not just asleep in bed, as she tended to get up unexpectedly and “surprise” him in his studio while we were chatting), never texting unless she was at work, and me always waiting until he’d signed out of gmail after our chat before I signed out, so I’d know he was safely out of the account. This was not ideal for us, as we were used to being together a lot everyday, and now we had gone down to one chat most days, but some days if his wife didn’t work (she was on an ever-changing rotating work schedule) we had no contact, although he’d often sneak texts anyway and “break the rules”.

 

After we got back together, we discussed everything that had happened at great length and depth. I am a major emotional analyser and so is he, possibly even more so than me. We have always felt the need to talk about our feelings and share everything, be completely open with each other. Nothing is held back.

 

So all was good for 2 months. He had been looking for work for quite some time (he was a landscaper / contract type of worker for many years and had never had an office job and wore a suit, etc. His previous steady job was managing his wife’s ex-husband’s construction company which he hated, but at least it let him go into work whenever he wanted and do his own thing, be his own boss. He used to always be at his office by 5.30am and we’d chat for a few hours before I went to bed and he went out to work for the day). When that company folded due to the bad economy, he was out of work although he did do casual work a few days a week with someone, very hard labour type of work. He’d have to leave the house by 6.30am and this cut short our chat times quite a bit, which neither of us liked.

 

In November 2012, he was offered an office job, which he was VERY nervous and unsure about, and I was there for him, to support him, which he appreciated and said he’d need more than ever now. He took me (in video form) clothes shopping for new shirts and pants, he showed me the instruction manual he had to read and learn, and we talked about his feelings about this new stage in his life.

 

I had become somewhat clingy in the week before his new job started (the last week of November). I was worried he wouldn’t have time for me anymore. That his life would become too full and I’d be pushed out of it eventually. He always assured me that there was no way this would ever happen. During that week, we had 2 chats and then his wife was home for 2 days. Then he had planned to go out and visit a friend’s house to jam on the guitar (he did this most weeks on Thursday nights), but I was upset about this, as his wife was working that night too so if he was home we could have had some time together. That coming weekend he had to go away for 3 days with the family and he was dreading it but had no choice. We wouldn’t have any contact during that time apart from some sneaked texts he managed to send on his secret phone, which he risked bringing with him, to try to keep me close by while he was away. So I said something (fairly subtle) about the fact that our last chance to talk for several days would be when he was going to be playing music at his friend’s house, and so he didn’t end up going. We had a lovely long chat instead and did some videos (of a sexual nature) and then he went to bed.

 

The weekend was hard. No real contact from him. He tried though, as much as he could with no space in the hotel room with his wife. He came back Sunday night and we chatted Monday morning before his first day of work. He filmed himself getting dressed and ready for his “first day of school” as we called it. I felt like I said I felt like I was sending him off to school, and he agreed, so we called it that. I tried so hard to support him and to be there. He was so restless and nervous. He didn’t have to be at the office until 8.30am but he left the house at 7.50am to allow time to have coffee and relax a bit. Once he left the house, he took his phone with him so we could continue texting until he went inside his workplace and I went to bed.

 

I was looking forward to hearing how his day had gone when I woke up, but I heard nothing for several hours. Then all he said in a text was that he had only just served dinner (it was 7.30pm. He does all the cooking and cleaning at the house, and usually has dinner on the table at 6pm). I knew beforehand that because he didn’t finish work until 5.30pm at his new job, dinners would now be a bit later, but he had also told me he’d made a heap of food earlier to freeze so he wouldn’t have to spend hours cooking when he came home from work. Later when he went to bed, he texted again saying he was sorry, but nights were difficult there now, with his wife home and dinner and cleaning up and all of that. I felt…distanced. I needed to know how he was feeling about his first day at work but couldn’t.

 

The next morning (his morning) we chatted again, and we talked about his job and stuff. He said it felt overwhelming but he’d get there. It was a good chat, and then he went to work, again very early, and we again texted many times after he left the house.

 

When he got home that night (my morning), he had dinner more organised and he was able to text me a few times, while dodging his wife if she came near the room. (he always spends his evenings in his music studio. Never with the rest of the family. He doesn’t even eat dinner with them. He has always felt very isolated living there.)

 

The next day we couldn’t have contact because his wife wasn’t working in the morning. I expected him to cheat a little and text me anyway, but he didn’t. I also hoped he’d text me when he left work, but he didn’t. But then, we did get to chat that night (my morning), and it was a really good chat. We were very happy that his wife was going to be working the next 5 consecutive mornings, so we’d have some bonding time to reconnect, as we had both been feeling a bit disconnected from the other due to the lack of time and so much new stuff going on in his life. He said he hadn’t looked forward to a Saturday this much in ages (because it meant we’d get to have a full length chat and then text for hours afterwards, without him having to go to work after).

 

The next day I went online at our normal time, right after his wife left for work, but he wasn’t there. I then checked my phone and he’d texted me saying she was still in bed and she’d changed her schedule at the last minute, so we couldn’t chat. I was disappointed of course, but ok with it. I knew we’d have the next 4 days in a row to be together and that felt so good. I planned to devote our next chat to his work and how he was feeling about it. We had both planned to devote the Saturday chat to more “adult” activities and were very excited about it, as it had been a while (due to the lack of time for him). We texted a few times back and forth instead of our cancelled chat because of his wife, and then I went to bed as I wasn’t feeling well. I asked him to “take me with you” to work (meaning put his phone in his bag. He had bought a new briefcase with a phone compartment specifically so he could bring his phone to work so he could “wake me up” in my morning / his afternoon, and text me when he was at lunch as well). When I woke up, there was no texts however. I assumed he hadn’t brought his phone to work again (he had also not brought it with him the day before either). That night, he was going to that friend’s house to jam, and I was glad he was because he needed to get out and play some music and feel a bit free after his long first week at work. He said we’d chat briefly after he got home, but I doubted that, since he always gets home about 9pm (and he usually goes to bed at 8.30pm when he’s home in the evenings, cause he gets up so early) and I thought it’d be too late.

 

He has always been a bit of a “talker” in terms of making statements and promises at a specific moment and then not following through, but it’s always little things. When he’d do his videos, he would often end them saying “I’ll do another one later. I love you.” And then there wouldn’t be another one. I found it amusing and endearing, if a bit frustrating. He also said when we were texting before he went to work after our aborted chat cause his wife was home, that he’d watch a video I’d done for him the day before, after he got home from his friend’s. I knew this wouldn’t happen as it was going to be too late. So I also didn’t think we’d chat either. I instead expected him to bring his phone to work and text me on his way home from his friend’s and then before he went to bed. And I was fine with that.

 

So it got to be almost 10pm his time and I still hadn’t heard from him. I was very upset, as I worried his wife had found out about us again, and I was also hurt as he obviously hadn’t brought his phone with him to work and I felt like he was drifting away from me and didn’t feel the need to “reach out” like he always had before.

 

This was December 6. Our last chat ever. I was online, doing other things, watching my phone like a hawk and getting more angry and upset and worried. At 10pm his time, he appeared in the chat window. I was surprised and suddenly all my fear of his wife finding out had vanished but had nowhere to go but to be channeled into my anger about why he hadn’t texted me all day. He was in a good mood after his music jamming session but I was not happy. We had a brief fight. It was a fight because I said why didn’t you text me all day, why didn’t you bring your phone? He said he couldn’t get anywhere near to texting at work. I said what about your LUNCH BREAK. Then I said his priorities had changed and I was way down the list now after his job, his music, etc. The chat was brief because he suddenly left our chat session abruptly, saying he couldn’t deal with this. I expected him to come back for our next chat which we’d arranged for the morning, but he wasn’t there. I then thought he may do his “disappearing act” again for 2-3 days but then return. He did not. I felt like I was in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I kept emailing and texting him, left voicemail msgs on his phone, but nothing.

 

I didn’t once suspect his wife had found out this time because I was sure if she had, he’d let me know. On day 8 of no contact from him, I checked his music site to see if he’d done any songs, and he had. It was called Remember, and the first words were “It’s done”. It was like a knife through my heart. So he was breaking up with me, after 8 days of silence, in a SONG. He didn’t even have the respect and decency to tell me to my face directly. It killed me. I couldn’t believe it, after almost 2 years of being so in love, and him being SO supportive and virtually perfect to me, THIS was how he was ending things. I didn’t even know why he was ending it, as our fight wasn’t bad at all.

 

So. After I heard this song, I sent messages to him on the music forum he was still on (he’d left the one we met on, like he did when he left me when he got sick) to try to talk to him. I still thought it was my fault and he was angry and had left me because I was too demanding or he was bored with me or something. He FINALLY responded to me 2-3 days later, saying I was still his only wife and he would always love me, and it wasn’t anything to do with our fight, but the day after our last (bad) chat, his wife had presented him with a copy of his credit card records, showing monthly payments of $50 to his secret phone company. He couldn’t deny it. He threw the phone away. He said he had tried to move on with his life but it was very difficult, and that it was too hard to live 2 lives now with his new job, and he couldn’t do it anymore. He said he was sorry but didn’t know what else to do.

 

So…sigh. Yeah. I wrote back again, of course. I didn’t understand why his feelings had changed. He wasn’t planning to leave me when he started this job, so why now? We have MORE time together in his mornings with this new job than we used to in his previous job. His wife finding out always throws him and knocks him down (understandably), and I assumed it was that. But…it’s now been just over a month and still nothing. There would be no risk now of his wife finding out, as the phone is gone, and we’d only have contact when she’s at work, but…seems he still doesn’t want to.

 

I wrote a very long message proposing in the new year, we just try a 2 week trial of chatting in the mornings like he said he used to love and need to do. Just to see that he can be happy with me again, like he always was. He responded to that saying he was trying but it was hard and it was dangerous writing through that music forum as his wife was home, etc, and that he’d try to get me on email.

 

I thought there was hope at this stage. Because he was engaging with me again and trying. He wrote a very short email (sent from an iPad. He got it through his new job I assume since he’d never had one before) saying things were not so good. He had somehow bent the connection between his studio computer and the router and so “there is only work now”. I presume he meant he could only have email access while he was at work (he sent that email during work hours, I noticed).

 

But this is not true, because he goes online every single night to the music forum from his iPad, and if he can do that at night (when his wife is home), why not in the mornings when she’s out? If he wanted to have anything to do with me, he would do that. But he doesn’t. And he’s used his job and his computer problem as excuses. Transparent ones, in my opinion. Just fix the computer, you know? If he still wanted to be with me, he would never let such a small thing get in the way, EVER. He just spent $1,500 on a new guitar as well, so he can definitely afford to fix the computer.

 

He did another song a week ago, called Meet Me In Your Dreams. It was aimed at me. A nice romantic song about meeting on the second landing and such other metaphorical things meaning he feels we can only be together in dreams and that we can have a second chance in our next life, etc. He’s always felt we’ve been together for many past lifetimes and will continue to live lives together in the future. He thinks we can’t be together this time, but next time, we will try again. I find this crap. It’s just more excuses for him not wanting to be with me now. In this life. This life is all we have NOW, you know? And he threw me away.

 

So anyway, he never wrote to me again after the brief and cold email about the computer. I did write to him again, but he never responded. I gave up. I have done some songs about it and posted them on the music forum, and he has gone on there a few times since, but I don’t think he’s noticed them yet. I don’t think he’ll even listen to them at all in fact.

 

It was his birthday yesterday. It was hard not to be there. I kept thinking, this time last year I did a video for him singing Happy Birthday in a funny Marilyn Munroe voice. He loved it. How much changes in the course of a year, eh? Over Christmas, I was thinking a year ago we talked on the phone for the first time, and it was magic. Amazing for both of us. We would have had more conversations but we were never alone at home at the same time, so it wasn’t safe. But we did have a few. They were so good. And yet just a year later, I couldn’t pay him $1 million to talk to me.

 

Anyway…when he said he can’t deal with living 2 lives anymore and it’s too hard with his new job, I’m not 100% sure what he means by this. In terms of OUR time, we have MORE time now. The only time HE is losing with his new job is some of his afternoon, since he sometimes used to get home about 2pm from his old job. I know it has always been a strain for him to be with me and try to work me into or around his life there. He’s always tried to separate the 2, whereas I haven’t. He has always been in my ONE life, and this is also why it’s hit me so hard now to lose him from it. Whereas for him, he compartmentalised me and so if he now chooses to ignore that and act as if I don’t exist, it’s easier I guess for him.

 

Up until he ended things, I had no doubts he would come straight to me if I wasn’t with my real life partner anymore. But now? No way. I think if I told him I was single and free now, he would either not say anything, or he’d say “I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re ok.” And leave it at that. And yet, now is the time he COULD free himself from living in that house. He’s earning good money now and his wife is also. He always felt an obligation to her and she only recently got a long awaited pay rise. That was one of the things he was waiting on before he could leave her and not feel as bad about it. (one other thing – he said he never once felt guilty for cheating on her. Whereas I felt constant guilt over my own partner. He also said he would only be sad for her family if she died, but not sad about losing her himself. This kind of startled me a little. He has 4 adult kids from 2 previous marriages – he’s been married 5 times in total, including his current wife – and never sees any of them. He seems to be able to cut people off, or perhaps rather, he seems to be able to live his life in a way he considers unsatisfactory, but feels he has no choice and just lets it go because he doesn’t want to change it enough).

 

My HUGE issue is that he did not TELL me. I mean, to have considered me his one true wife for almost 2 YEARS and then not even TELL me he was ending things and moving on? To just let me think it was my fault, for the rest of my life? To just let me keep trying to text and email him until I eventually gave up and my heart and soul died?? It’s heartless, I think. He has always been so loving towards me, and so this is very hard to comprehend.

 

But this is what I think. He never truly considered me REAL. Because he did put me in a separate “second” life, maybe it was hard for him to fully believe I was real, when he wasn’t able to deal with his real life. I kind of got put in the background. And I think it got hard for him to accept that we couldn’t properly be together and for him to want me so much but to never be able to truly have me. And on top of that, the fact our time together had been greatly reduced and would be further reduced due to his job (not our chat times, they’d be longer than before, but his other free time he used to spend with me. Doing videos, watching my videos, etc. That time he wouldn’t have much anymore except on weekends when his wife was out) so maybe that “second” life had shrunk to a point where it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I don’t know.

 

Thank you SO much to anyone whose eyes haven’t yet fallen out from reading this. I very much appreciate it. Any suggestions or comments would be very much welcomed.

[stevie_23]

It also annoys me that if he IS fine, that I am an emotional wreck. I have gone from 130lbs to 108lbs (I’m 5’7” so was already slim enough beforehand), have trouble sleeping, obviously have trouble eating, I cry every single day, and can’t focus on anything. I am depressed and constantly on edge and anxious. I can’t see how I am going to ever be happy again and get through the rest of my life like this. I’m going to the doctor this week to get a prescription for either Xanax or Prozac, or whatever is best for me. I need something. I am sick of constantly having to direct my thoughts and avoid thinking so many things that upset me. It makes me physically sick.

[FailedFirstLove]

I read your story and I'm so sorry. It is devastating but it seems like his sick and tired of the relationship. He doesn't have time to himself and do his own things. he probably felt overwhelmed with everything and to him it was easiest to cut you out than the other things. He might not love his wife but she was there so he can't exactly cut her out

[stevie_23]

Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot.

 

I could be very demanding of him at times…I used to be demanding about him leaving his wife, not because I was jealous of her or anything, but because I wanted more time with him and the only thing in the way was his wife being around, but also mainly because he would SO often say how he hated living there, he only wanted to be with me and he was always devising ideas and plans of how to leave, and all these steps to enable him to do so. Like first his wife would finally get her salary increase at work, and then he wouldn’t feel obligated to be there anymore to help out financially. The next step then was him getting either a large sum of money (he tried a few things to achieve this. He tried throwing himself into their company so it could be successful again and then he could leave and be free. He tried selling a lot of old construction equipment and got $80,000 from that, but he had to give most of it to the family as his wife felt since they were together, their money should all be shared. She owed him $20,000 as well from his days of managing her company but he was never paid back this money as the company went bankrupt eventually) or getting a well paying job. Which he now has. His job even has health insurance so he technically doesn’t even need to be with her anymore. But he still is. Because I’m not real to him and never was.

[tuxedo cat]

When someone views you as a fantasy they can build you up but they can just as easily tear you down, and without feeling the natural remorse, because they lose touch with your humanity.

[stevie_23]

Very true.

 

It has been a while since I started this thread, and I see that he loved me very much but I was in a bubble and also not right in his face, in person...so when confronted by seemingly impossible situations in his real life, his REALITY, I ceased to exist in that reality and I dissolved...and he didn't even really realise how any of this would affect me, because I ceased to be real.