Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) This is the most sad and ridiculous situation I have ever encountered. Met a great man 9 months ago. The first 4-5 months we were very close. calling all the time and seeing each other. We didn't sleep together for over 4 months so we got to know each other first. He had his fair share of problems: major family issues 4 months in, lost his job and in the same week ended up in hospital with a joint infection and he can barely use his right arm now. I tried to be there for him. He got more and more distant. I never knew where i stood and started going days without a phone call. I tried to give space, tried to reach out, tried to meet it head on and nothing worked. I started getting very insecure and lashed out a couple of times, quite badly last time. he seemed to be coping but actually east ok with all his problems. he reacted badly to my lashing out and said id cut his heart out. I only raised my voice and said the relationship was all about him, which was true. I was last consideration. As it turns out, we loved each other all along and never told eachother. Now he thinks he doesn't love me & that its less than it was. It was wonderful with him for many months. It began to go wrong when he developed problems with family job and health. it consumed him and he neglected me and and has to be reminded to call. he was in turmoil over his life. I've found out that he's 36 but didn't have his first girlfriend until he was 34. I'm his longest relationship. he doesn't appreciate that couples can say hurtful things to each other but you get over it. he is more concerned with our music tastes and film tastes which is very teenage boy sounding.we were hurt in past relationships and loved each other but didnr say it. we were very affectionate and demonstrative though how it stands .... When I lashed out and hurt him, he asked for a break. I said I don't do breaks and issued an ultimatum. we agreed to work through it and he changed his mind saying his heart had been ripped out. he called me to break up and then we agrees to see eachother. he told me he thought we had grown apart and our live had diminished. we spent the day and night to gether but I orchestrated it. We spent hours crying and he couldn't say he loved me as much or if it would come back. I got the break up talk again and the lovee had diminished. it was a 3 hour call and he didn't seem sure though. he wasn't sure if his live would return as he was in turmoil over his life. he said as I wouldn't do a break he saw no choice so I then agreed a break. he changed instantly and felt much happier. the conversation got lighter and happy as soon as I agreed a break. He said he needed time to sort out his job and his health. He then told me he loved me and texted me after the call saying he loved me. I am so confused. I felt better when he said he wanted a break instead and he told me loved me. but I can't ignore the other stuff he said. He said he needed time to get his job and health sorted. I told him not to expect me to chase him or for me to wait. he has texted me twice in 2 weeks calling e by his nickname for me and updating me on his health. What would you do with this? I can barely function. Edited December 13, 2012 by Amelie1980
na49 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Play twenty questions with yourself. Realize it means nothing. Don't respond. Now if only I would take my own advice... 2
Samilia Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 This is the most sad and ridiculous situation I have ever encountered. Met a great man 9 months ago. The first 4-5 months we were very close. calling all the time and seeing each other. We didn't sleep together for over 4 months so we got to know each other first. He had his fair share of problems: major family issues 4 months in, lost his job and in the same week ended up in hospital with a joint infection and he can barely use his right arm now. I tried to be there for him. He got more and more distant. I never knew where i stood and started going days without a phone call. I tried to give space, tried to reach out, tried to meet it head on and nothing worked. I started getting very insecure and lashed out a couple of times, quite badly last time. he seemed to be coping but actually east ok with all his problems. he reacted badly to my lashing out and said id cut his heart out. I only raised my voice and said the relationship was all about him, which was true. I was last consideration. As it turns out, we loved each other all along and never told eachother. Now he thinks he doesn't love me & that its less than it was. It was wonderful with him for many months. It began to go wrong when he developed problems with family job and health. it consumed him and he neglected me and and has to be reminded to call. he was in turmoil over his life. I've found out that he's 36 but didn't have his first girlfriend until he was 34. I'm his longest relationship. he doesn't appreciate that couples can say hurtful things to each other but you get over it. he is more concerned with our music tastes and film tastes which is very teenage boy sounding.we were hurt in past relationships and loved each other but didnr say it. we were very affectionate and demonstrative though how it stands .... When I lashed out and hurt him, he asked for a break. I said I don't do breaks and issued an ultimatum. we agreed to work through it and he changed his mind saying his heart had been ripped out. he called me to break up and then we agrees to see eachother. he told me he thought we had grown apart and our live had diminished. we spent the day and night to gether but I orchestrated it. We spent hours crying and he couldn't say he loved me as much or if it would come back. I got the break up talk again and the lovee had diminished. it was a 3 hour call and he didn't seem sure though. he wasn't sure if his live would return as he was in turmoil over his life. he said as I wouldn't do a break he saw no choice so I then agreed a break. he changed instantly and felt much happier. the conversation got lighter and happy as soon as I agreed a break. He said he needed time to sort out his job and his health. He then told me he loved me and texted me after the call saying he loved me. I am so confused. I felt better when he said he wanted a break instead and he told me loved me. but I can't ignore the other stuff he said. He said he needed time to get his job and health sorted. I told him not to expect me to chase him or for me to wait. he has texted me twice in 2 weeks calling e by his nickname for me and updating me on his health. What would you do with this? I can barely function. Dont waste your time, and youth, on this 1
veggirl Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Why would you want to wait for this? he is an overgrown man-child who has no clue what he wants or who he is. You can't "save" him. How long is the "break" supposed to last? I suppose he is in control of when it ends, if it ever does, as he is the one who seems to dictate everything about your relationship. That's not cool. Your ultimatum was fine, you should have stuck with it.... You have known him for 9 months and it has been nothing but drama for 1/2 of that. this guy does not know how to be in an adult relationship and doesn't seem willing to compromise or anything with you. You should do your best to move on, use this "break" to get over him...honestly, take it in your mind as a break up and go forward accordingly. 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Why would you want to wait for this? he is an overgrown man-child who has no clue what he wants or who he is. You can't "save" him. How long is the "break" supposed to last? I suppose he is in control of when it ends, if it ever does, as he is the one who seems to dictate everything about your relationship. That's not cool. Your ultimatum was fine, you should have stuck with it.... You have known him for 9 months and it has been nothing but drama for 1/2 of that. this guy does not know how to be in an adult relationship and doesn't seem willing to compromise or anything with you. You should do your best to move on, use this "break" to get over him...honestly, take it in your mind as a break up and go forward accordingly. I know but if you'd lost your job, major illness, family problems etc within a three month period wouldn't your relationship take a back seat. He is 36 and has never left parents home for any length of time, not even when he went to college. he has his own house but won't move in until every finishing touch is complete and he seems to have trouble accepting that his new house is his home for& not his parents. he spends a lot of time with his parents and often would see me at weekends under the guise of 'helping' them.
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Sorry he often wouldn't see me because of his parents. He did accept his role in it saying he had taken me for granted and been self-centred. He said when trying to break up that this could be the biggest mistake he ever makes. he also can't seem able to commit to spending more time...he actually lookedsurprised when I said we should see eachother more often.
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Should I just ask if he wants to talk it through or not. bring it to a head. He had been very depressed and he essentially lost his whole way of life and I made it worse by demanding attention from him when he couldn't give it to me. he needed to think of his job and health but I made it about me. he wouldn't let me be there for him as he was always with his parents. I don't know what to do.
Gottabestrong Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Amelie, it does not sound good. He may be a decent guy, but he does not seem to be capable of being a good partner to you at this time, if ever. My advice is to not waste time on a 'break', but actually break up for real, like you originally planned. Then, if he grows up and realizes he made a big mistake, you could still try to start a new relationship in a few months, if you are still interested in it. Did you set a time limit for this break? Are you willing to sit around for an unspecified amount of time, waiting for him to make up his mind while you can barely function? I think it would be better to end things now and start the healing process.
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 I am assuming he's not coming back. he is s decent guy. ee roughly agreed a month. he needs to get his arm better. I did nite contact him and he texted me once a week since it happened updating me on his arm. We are nearly on week 3. I don't like leaving things unfinished. I don't know what to do and think we should talk even by email. I don't know.
veggirl Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I know but if you'd lost your job, major illness, family problems etc within a three month period wouldn't your relationship take a back seat. He is 36 and has never left parents home for any length of time, not even when he went to college. he has his own house but won't move in until every finishing touch is complete and he seems to have trouble accepting that his new house is his home for& not his parents. he spends a lot of time with his parents and often would see me at weekends under the guise of 'helping' them. Okay a 36 yr old who never moved out? Seriously, that is not even attractive whatsoever. He sounds more and more like an overgrown kid with every post you make. Yes my R might take a backseat to those issues, but I would at least be mature enough to explain that and not act like a brat about it. Why is he still so attached to his parents? Being close is one thing, but he sounds like he needs to cut the cord and get in the real world with the rest of us grown ups.... I am assuming he's not coming back. he is s decent guy. ee roughly agreed a month. he needs to get his arm better. I did nite contact him and he texted me once a week since it happened updating me on his arm. We are nearly on week 3. I don't like leaving things unfinished. I don't know what to do and think we should talk even by email. I don't know. Well if you agreed to a month, then wait the month. If I was you and hellbent on not just ending this, I'd email him or text him and say I am going to give you the break you requested, in return I want one month of no contact so you can figure yourself out, after that I need to know if you are with me or not, no in between. And then stick to that!!
flitzanu Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I know but if you'd lost your job, major illness, family problems etc within a three month period wouldn't your relationship take a back seat. He is 36 and has never left parents home for any length of time, not even when he went to college. he has his own house but won't move in until every finishing touch is complete and he seems to have trouble accepting that his new house is his home for& not his parents. he spends a lot of time with his parents and often would see me at weekends under the guise of 'helping' them. if his entire dating career consists of two years of experience, how exactly does he understand "a break" to be anyway? somthing is very wrong with your perception and his projection.
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 He's done IT again. week three and have another long text updating me on matters and how his arm is. still not good & very week. I feel like sending him an email and talking about it. I've been really ill, should I tell him?
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 The whole relationship sounds dysfunctional. He doesn't know how to be in a relationship and even if he did, he is not in the right place for one. Even if he did, your response to "taking a back seat" to him losing his job, becoming seriously ill and evidently disabled, and having major family problems does not depict you as exactly ready to be in a relationship, either. A person with all that going on would need a lot of support and a partner who understood that paying attention to a relationship and someone else's needs would be impossible for a while. Why don't you let this one go, and in the future, steer clear of men in their late 30's who have never moved out from their parents' home. 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 I did understand that he needed a lot of support and tried to be there. even my offers to see him in hospital more often got a Luke warm response. Even before the illness he dictated most things about the relationship, when we met, and he was always very very late. he isn't disabled, its just sore now and he can drive but can't lift any thing heavy. he will recover fully in a couple if months I would have thought. All of my attempts to support him were turned away. he knew i was worried sick about him but when ge got out of hospital I didn't get a call or a text for a while but he had been well enough to go out to see relatives. I was supposed to be his girlfriend but he wouldn't let me near him to be there for him. He.accepted he had been self centred and ignored me. I'm not giving up just now. so what would you do?
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Also all of his problems have never stopped him from sorting out his families messes when they are quite capable of doing it themselves. the same week he got out of hospital his brother dumped all of his financial problems on him. But sending me a text message and calling was apparently too much trouble. I didn't pressurise him. I let him be but it got too much.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 Okay. This "relationship" is a no-go. Carrying on about all of his shortcomings is not helping you any - he / the relationship did not meet your needs; you gave it 9 months and it did not get better. It got worse. Time to say goodbye to this one.
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 None of it would have happened if he hadn't lost hi job he was fine until it happened. That's why its so hard to deal with.
flitzanu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 None of it would have happened if he hadn't lost hi job he was fine until it happened. That's why its so hard to deal with. everyone has problems. it doesn't stop them from maintaining relationships they actually want to have. quit making excuses for him. 3
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 None of it would have happened if he hadn't lost hi job he was fine until it happened. That's why its so hard to deal with. Read back what you've posted about him and your relationship in this thread. You have very little positive to say. Losing the job is just a fraction of your litany of complaints.
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 All of the complaints I have did not happen until after he lost his job. Before that happened we saw each other 2-3 times a week and spoke on the phone all the time. I should have seen that he was depressed. he changed so much & I should not have loath my temper. He texted me Saturday morningcalling me his special nickname for me. I don't know what to say back. When other guys have ended it, they were gone completely. He initiated contact and keeps doing it.
flitzanu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 All of the complaints I have did not happen until after he lost his job. Before that happened we saw each other 2-3 times a week and spoke on the phone all the time. I should have seen that he was depressed. he changed so much & I should not have loath my temper. He texted me Saturday morningcalling me his special nickname for me. I don't know what to say back. When other guys have ended it, they were gone completely. He initiated contact and keeps doing it. so now this whole thing is your fault because you didn't pay attention to his depression!
geegirl Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I have a feeling this guy wants the benefits of keeping you as a crutch without you having any expectations of him. You have to be emotionally healthy and available to invest in a relationship. All the excuses in the world won't matter because at the end of the day, he's emotionally immature and vacant. If you are willing to settle for bits and pieces, then settle. If you want more, and he's not giving you what you need, it's time to cut your losses and move on. It's obvious that he's has no qualms about losing the relationship.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 All of the complaints I have did not happen until after he lost his job. What difference does it make which item in your long litany of complaints about this guy came first? Anyway, he failed to ever move out from his parents' home before he lost his job ... It is a fairly new relationship. You are learning about each other. You have a lot of complaints about the way he is. I would too. He won't turn into a different person. He WANTS to be on a "break." He is not very into your relationship … don't take a text or call with your nickname included so seriously. Either move on, or be prepared to complain and be miserable. 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted December 19, 2012 Author Posted December 19, 2012 He texted me on Saturday and I texted him back on Monday telling him how I was doing and that I hadn't been well but was fine now. He comes to my office yesterday with a card & Christmas present for me. the card days "lets hope 2013 is a great year". he didn't ask to see me. It is followed up with a text an hour later, speaking to me as if I am his girlfriend and calling me all the nicknames for me and ending it with kisses. I'm getting tired of these games.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Are you posting here just to vent and complain about this guy?
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