MrTedd Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new here to hopefully get advice on my recent relationship. I hope this is an active and informative forum.... Ok let me explain it all, briefly. I met this lady 2 years ago and fell in love... We live 35 miles apart, both with our own kids to sort... After a year of traveling the m1 to see each other a few times a week it was last Xmas when she had a very heavy flu... This led to certain sensitivity problems in fingers etc... To cut a long story short she was diagnosed with 'mild' MS. This changed everything.. I ended up quickly moving into hers to stop her commuting.. I changed jobs and changed routine with my kids. I stayed there 10 months till I could take no more I felt unsettled as its her house.. Her kids.. Their mess. I felt so down at times so eventually I got my house back from renting it out and tried to live parttime at mine and hers so I could do school runs etc. still felt unsettled and now I'm back permanently. I haven't spoke to her in a month and I'm finding thing still very tough we haven't fallen out which makes it worse... I know she wants me back and to change... But I honestly don't know how it can be better after trying to compromise everything I fear if I contact her its for my own selfish reasons and not thinking about her feelings, ESP just before xmas... On the other hand maybe she wants me to... I know I can't give her hope of a fix and that's a fear contacting... I just know I can't go on.. I'm constantly thinking about her it's like a berievement. Just want to explain why I'm not in touch but then perhaps that defeats the whole objection! Really sorry to waffle on.... Via iPhone it's bloody difficult too ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 7, 2012 Author Share Posted December 7, 2012 129 reads and not one reply! I'll try other forums, but thanks for reading... Link to post Share on other sites
Quest4_TheLost Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 I'm really not sure what your question is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 I'm currently in the process of changing jobs back to my old place... 4 miles away rather than 28... I changed initially for her to be closer... This change is killing me as it feels like I'm wiping all ties with her. When she finds out (and she will as we have mutual friends) I want her to know its the time and petrol NOT about being nearer her..... I don't want it all to feel like a kick in the teeth I'm basically wanted to know whether I should email her to explain, to see how she is. I still love her... Why wouldn't I?? I've left because I miss being around my kids, it's nothing to do with her. She's beautiful kind and very caring. I just don't know... I'm dying inside. She may be feeling the same I just don't know. It's hard because of how it ended... No arguments, no bad will... Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 TBH I'm not really clear on why you broke up with her. Or even if you *have* broken up with her? You said you felt "unsettled" living at her house. Why does that mean you can't be with her anymore? You said she wants you back and 'to change' - do you means she wants to change, or she wants you to change? Change how? You're going to be 4 miles away from what? Her house or your house? So can't really comment on whether you should email her, because I don't understand why you're not with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 Sorry Movingon12, I have broke up, I left because I couldn't relax. I was unsettled because I was living at her house with her kids. Occasionally it really hurt when my kids wanted a lift or help and I was 35 miles away and unable make it in time that night. I felt selfish and not much of a dad tbh, I felt like I'd left them. During the week my relationship with my kids became text messages and thats very difficult with an 8, 12 and 16 year old.. infact this soon fell flat as my younger boys kept losing phones etc etc. The job situation.. and why this is killing me right now > I used to have a job that was 4 miles away from my home. I was single and fairly settled... when I met her and then diagnosed etc.. I changed jobs to be closer to her house, where I moved into. Now things are different, I know I can't live at hers and be happy.. after a month of NC Ive decided to look my old job back up and they want me ASAP. This would save me upto 2 hours commuting a day and £200 in petrol a month.... that and perhaps a change will help me heal too?! after all I went to the new job for her. It all makes sense but doesn't make it any easier as I'm 'moving away' from her... I JUST want to know she understands WHY I'm doing this.... and I cant because I'm scared of getting in touch. I know she still loves me and I'm sure she wouldn't have me back without knowing I will change and accept how it is. She's an intelligent woman, teaches neurology and does OT, but her heart rules her head more I feel I'm scared that if I get in touch our emotions are going to get the better of us and all this will start again and upset us. Yes I'm waffling.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 MrTedd, I am also not exactly sure, what you are asking. But it sounds to me like you do not want to get back together, but you want to check in on her to see how she is doing and tell her that you still care and are sorry you hurt her? Is that correct? I'd say that depends on how long you have been broken up, whether you have had any contact since then and what the last communication between the two of you was. Can you give us those details? Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 Well forget jobs, petrol, and feeling unsettled and whatever. But I can understand, and I'm sure she could too, that living that far from your kids (I assume they live with their mum and you're divorced?) is causing you pain and you feel like you've had to choose between your children or her. I also assume that you're saying that you can't imagine a time in the future when you would feel comfortable living with her and her kids, which is why you're not trying to maintain a L-ishDR? I do think she deserves an explanation if you haven't already given her one. But my last assumption is that she does already know why you've broken up? Before you moved out of her house you must have talked about the problems? I really really hope you didn't just leave her with no explanation!?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 Thank you to both of you for responding.. big hugs Yes she knows why I were unsettled.. my feelings had gone on for months. Gottabestrong.. I left over a month ago to go back to my house full time. The last time I heard from her was around a month ago. She text me at 1am saying she couldnt sleep and that she couldnt accept that we werent a couple anymore I replied and said I was so sorry for being messed up... I've not heard anything since and all I know is she talks to our mutual friend about it all. Movingon12 Yep you got it right... I'm sure she understands why and that I had to choose between her and being around my kids. There is NO WAY she would have done what I've done to try and make things work. I compromised everything to please everybody. And yes, I cant honestly see a time when I could work.. ie memoving back in and maintaining a long distance relationship. Me sleeping at mine every other night so I can do the school runs!! I Know this can work for some but pelase remember she is has MS. What if she becomes more dependant on me to help out and yet I also need to be around for my kids. That would really hurt. God forbid it will never happen and she remains healthy forever. You say she deserves an explanation.. I've talked dozens of times believe me ... she knows why I'm not settled there. Its more about the job change now thats killing me right now. I dont want to hurt her if she is thinking I'm wiping my hands of her in my thoughts. NEVER WILL..... its about making my life a little easier now Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 But if you've broken up and are now NC, why does it matter where your job is? Your new ('old') job is closer to your home and kids, you broke up because you wanted to be nearer your kids, so it makes sense that you would move your job back. Is it a 'final nail in the coffin' kind of thing? She'll find out you moved, through the mutual friend, and be upset? Unless there's something I'm missing, I really don't think breaking NC to tell her your changing jobs is a good idea. You're not together anymore, she knows why you've broken up, she knows you're not speaking to her, so contacting her to talk about jobs (even with the best will in the world) is only going to stir up emotions unnecessarily. She doesn't need to know. If you and the mutual friend are close, then you can make it clear to the mutual friend that you're moving back to your old job to be closer to your home and kids. If s/he decides to discuss it with your ex, I imagine the mutual friend would mention the reason, if s/he thinks it will help your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 You're right movingon12 Breaking NC to explain could in a fashion rub salt in the wounds. Our mutual friend knows exactly why I'm changing jobs so I presume she can explain this, if needed to be explained at all. I know its only been a month and I'm still hurting a lot. It feels like a berievement .. still in love, no bad will.. its hard work and takes time I guess. Perhaps next year I could ask how she is, I dont know.. it will be easier on us both by then. One things for sure and I'm sure youve all experienced this.. during NC its very easy to forget WHY it happened and just concentrate on missing the person. That isn't healthy and something I've got to remember to justify all this. x Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 Let her go. If you contact her, even next year, it sends out all the wrong signals. I'm sure you've seen on the breaking up section the hundreds of 'my ex contacted me - what does it meeeeeeeeeeeean??????????' threads. Getting friendly (or not so friendly) messages from an ex does nothing but confuse and upset people. You're not going to be 'friends': it would be too awkward and you'd feel too guilty. You're not going to be together again either. You've said goodbye, now walk away so she can too. Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 If you don't want to get back together, please let her be and don't contact her. You will only confuse her and cause her pain if you tell her you still love and miss her. It's been a month and it does not sound like anything has changed. Just let it be. She knows the reason for the breakup and you don't have anything new to tell her. And she really does not need to know about you moving for your old job. If she has not contacted you in a month, then I am sure she is trying to stay strong and move on with her life. If you contact her now - without wanting to get back together - than you will only cause her pain and interrupt her healing process. Please, stay away and let her heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 You're both right... I'll leave it be and try and be more positive. I'll have my old job back and a new start won't I. My kids are happier and that's what this is all about. I also hope you understand my situation. Love does not conquer all. Love is part of a package, everything involved has to be taken into account... I'm 45 and have been through the mill, esp after an 11 year marriage. My time to be happy will happen one day I'm sure :\ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrTedd Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Just a quick update.. I received a very long text from her last week saying how she is etc.. she has recently had a meltdown. Going to her parents at 4am crying etc she called me insensitive for me inviting our mutual friends for xmas day night and boxing day. I didnt want to hurt her anymore and simply cancelled this This Xmas has been horrendous, particularly Xmas day alone without the kids and just my thoughts... I'm dreading New Years Eve I did reply to her text even though she asked at the beginning and end NOT to reply. There were a couple of things I disagreed with and had to tell her how I was too. I really miss her still I just dont know how long I will be questioning myself about my decision... I feel like I will always be uphappy now, gradually made worse by worrying about her illness and how she is missing me. She is a beautiful and caring person and deserves to be so happy... I gave her that and failed because I couldnt settle at hers. I question every piece of it Link to post Share on other sites
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