I Finally Let Her Go. But what do I do now?

[source24]

Feeling a bit down lately, and I needed some support, so I thought I would come ask you guys for some help. Sometimes you just need to hear what someone else thinks when they aren’t all tangled up in the emotion of things.

We broke up a few months ago, and I haven’t really had a chance to vent, so I thought I would let out some of my thoughts here. This is my journey, 2 years, and a lot of learning about myself and life in general.

 

 

We met a couple of years ago, back in 2010 when we were both freshmen at college. We started dating at the start of the school year, and it was just amazing. Like your typical college love story. We did everything together. It wasn’t long before I let her know that I was falling in love with her, and she told me she felt the same way. Everything was amazing those first few months. We spent everyday together. We shared music, she got me cookies, we would eat every meal together. We could sit in silence and it would still be the most amazing time of my life. I have never felt so close to anyone. The sex was beyond amazing, not just the romantic moments we shared, but also all the crazy places and things college kids try. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

 

 

That first semester ended on a bittersweet note, because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go back to university the next semester. When she found out, all she could do was cry, she was crushed. I still remember the moment I told her, those 50 seconds of silence spoke thousands of words. During this time, she met a random guy who she started texting. Eventually I was able to make my way back to university, and when I got back, I found out that she wanted to keep texting this guy. She even asked him what he thought of “Friends with benefits” because she was afraid I wasn’t coming back. I was crushed, but she deleted him off her phone and apologized and things were good again. She said she was just worried, and I felt bad, but I knew she was in a ****ty state too, and her deleting his number outright and never contacting him again was a big enough gesture for me to forgive her.

 

 

The second semester we were together was perhaps the best time we spent together. Sure we had a couple fights, nothing too big, we always overcame the rough patches because we cared about each other so much. The second semester was as perfect as it gets. We were clicking on so many different levels. We shared things about each other that no one else in the world knows, and perhaps no one else will for quite a while. Also, the sex was damn good. lol We shared deep dark secrets, intimate memories, stories about our past, everything. Every day I spent with her would only get better.

 

 

This is when it really became serious. I know in retrospect how silly this all was since we are just young kids, but we talked our future together. We had names for our kids. We knew what kind of dog we were going to get. I mean we were so madly in love, everything seemed like it would work out. We balanced each other out really well. I was a really intelligent, but creative person who often got caught up in emotions, and she was a much more rational, practical, and independent person who would be really logical about things. She really was my better half, and she was the reason that I was able to become a better person, and this is something that I will always be thankful for, no matter how we ended. At this point, we were really just so happy together, all of our friends saw us as the cute perfect couple that would get married one day, and would tell everyone this cory story of how we met on the first day of college. It really felt like a storybook.

 

 

Then came the junction that began to complicate things. Due to family circumstances, I had to transfer to a school a few states away. I didn’t ask her to come, but she insisted, and eventually she decided to go to a school in her homestate a few hours away from where I was. (In retrospect, this was a really tough decision, and I wish I could have just forced her to stay, but it was her decision to come up to her new school.) But we truly loved each other and we seriously wanted to make it work. We left our first University, and moved to our two separate ones.

 

 

This is where she did the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me. She worked the entire summer, two jobs, one at a Music Store and the other at a Retail store. She would spend her entire week just working, she put in hours and hours of effort. She told me she had to do it due to family circumstances, and knowing that she came from a poor family in a small town, I believed her. But in truth, she was saving up all the money to spend on a surprise trip to New York City on our 1 year anniversary. And honestly, I don’t think anyone will ever give me a gift like this. That is and forever will be “our city” and it was the greatest, craziest trip of my lifetime and I will never forget it. I mean it still makes me feel all tingly inside when I sit and think how crazy we were about each other. We transferred to our new schools and in mid September 2011 we went to New York. This was perhaps the peak of our relationship. We were totally crazy about each other, and the only way things could be better was if we were together all the time. We went back to our universities after that trip with a lot of hope for the future, but it was downhill from there.

 

 

The issue with our Long Distance was that I was unable to drive, and she was too far away for me to visit, and we both were really busy. Due to this, our relationship suffered. I mean we still loved each other and texted and called each other almost every day, if not every day. I was dealing with a lot of family stuff and a busy schedule and I could talk to her, but she didn’t really have any friends at her new school. She was pretty lonely. She went to a party, got drunk and kissed some dude. She told me, and said that she was drunk, she really missed me and that it was “so easy to pretend it was me.” This happened in mid October, a month after the NYC trip. After all this she deleted him and took him out of her life completely. I forgave her, as hard as it was, because I still really cared, and I understood that she was alone. There was always a tension after this though. But I think we were doing just fine after a while.

 

 

I wasn’t able to visit her for the rest of the year, but we would talk everyday, occasional skype sessions, texting all the time. She was still my best friend, but I believe this was the time we started truly drifting apart. She was alone. She even told me that she had thought about sleeping with someone else, which she didn’t do, she was just missing what it felt like and the guy was apparently nice to her. I don’t think she emotionally cheated, but I guess I am just giving her the botd.

 

 

At this point, she started struggling with anorexia. I tried to be there for her, but I guess I wasn’t there enough. She was depressed. She eventually pulled out of it. I was there to help her and I was talking to her every day.

In the summer, she decided to go back to our old school. I chose to go to a school close by, only an hour away, so that I could drive and see her occasionally, and so that Long Distance wouldn’t be so hard.

 

 

We were talking on the phone one night, and she just broke up with me. I told her she was just scared and lonely and afraid of commitment and getting hurt again. So we decided to try to make it work. She asked for some space, I guess I didn’t understand this concept at the time and I suffocated her with messages and “being cute” and calling all the time, and she didn’t need this.

We finally met on memorial weekend the first week of school at our new universities. It was a good weekend. I kissed her, held her hand. I felt happy. Like things were eventually going to be okay.

 

 

Then a few days later, she breaks up with me on the phone. Saying that she can’t deal with the long distance. I struggled with it but I kind of accepted it.

She visited me that weekend. It was nice, like old times. We kissed, we held hands. We didn’t have sex. But we agreed that this was more of a break. And that she couldn’t do this right now because it was long distance and that this was more like a break. If I had been back at the university It would have worked.

 

 

I told her to tell me if she wanted to move on, because out of respect for how much I cared, I felt like I deserved to know if she had feelings for someone else, or started something new. Because she can’t just string me along, have me as a friend and hurt me. So I agree, and we move on. I should have done no contact, but she insisted we stay friends, and being the nice guy I am, I did stay friends. I did a lot of things for her. Talked to her. Helped her with work. She did the same for me.

 

 

Then in October she suddenly became distant. She was dealing with some big problems but she didn’t want to tell me. I later found out that she started having sex with my old friend. And that she only stopped when he slept with someone else. She didn’t tell me. She felt distant from the world, ashamed. She was doing lots of drugs. She even called me tripping on shrooms, feeling like complete ****. The only thing that made her feel better? My voice.

This made me feel really ****ty, because I was still in love with her, and she slept with my friend. Multiple times. And she enjoyed it. But she told me it was “just sex” they had an agreement to be exclusive sex buddies until he ****ed someone else. She made out with some dude at a party when she found out my friend, lets call him Zach slept with another girl. Apparently she was hurt.

 

 

So Thanksgiving rolls around, she tells me. I get ****ing pissed. I forgive her, I guess we were broken up, but she still went about it the wrong way. She made me believe there was still hope, that she hadn’t moved on, that she still loved me and that this was just about her focusing on school.

We met for a wedding that weekend. First thing she said was that she couldn’t believe how cute I was and that she wanted to hold my hand. I let her. I kissed her. We didn’t have sex, even though I wanted to in the back of my mind, I am glad we didn’t.

 

 

So I left, I guess it was on good terms. I kind of forgave her. She was overwhelmed with emotion.

 

 

Then a few days later, I tell her, that I am getting ready to come back to our old university. She FREAKS out. She tells me that it is over. That if I come back it won’t be the same. That she just said all that stuff about me coming back to soften the blow. I was coming back for more reasons than just her, but I guess she thought I was doing it just for her.

Then, we had one last phone conversation. I told her I needed to let her go. She needs to figure her **** out. I told her that she can’t just go around ****ing people, because it is stupid and irresponsible and she will get an STD. I also acknowledged her drug problem, and she agreed that she has one. She shouldn’t be drinking so much rum that she passes out because she can’t sleep otherwise. (This was a day before when she told me she slept with my friend.) She smokes weed a lot and she said she needed to stop because it was affecting her life. She didn’t. She keeps trying to escape and not deal with her problems, or her anger, or her depression. Like everything is just about distracting herself from coping with the real problems in her life.

I told her that I needed to let her breathe, get out of her way. She has to figure out if she gives enough ****s to be with me.

 

Since then we have been in NC for just over 1 week. For 2 years we talked every day. She called me on my birthday twice, I didn’t pick up. She texted me about how she got an A on a speech I had helped her on when I visited. I didn’t respond. This has been unbelievably hard. I don’t know if we should be friends or not. I don’t know where things are headed. I still miss her, but I know I deserve better.

 

I deserve someone who makes me a priority, that isn’t so selfish and interested in her own ego. But deep down I know that she is just a scarred puppy from a bad childhood, and I feel like I am one of the few people that will actually help her. I am the only one in the world who cares about her having enough food, enough money, not struggling in school, coming with anorexia, not even her family or best friends ask her and check up the way I did.

 

I was sad, but I have been focusing on improving myself. Reading, going out, watching new lectures, learning more about psychology, watching tons of movies, listening to music. I feel like I am focusing on myself, working out, and doing what is supposed to make me feel better, but I still feel empty. I miss my best friend.

What do I do? I guess I am just looking for some support. Am I doing the right thing?

 

TLDR; 2 year relationship. Tons of complications. Broke Up. Really Miss her. Trying to do all the Right things. Still feel empty. She was my first love, hell my first everything. I deeply care. I think she does too, she just can't bring herself to cope with the pain. Still feel like I need to help her. What do I do now? How do I stop missing her?

 

Thanks for reading, Internet Strangers, hopefully you can give me some guidance.

[Chi townD]

Dude, this chick is a train wreck. Move on, move on, move on......

 

She cheates on you multiuple times, uses drugs....due, you deserve better. SHe freaked out on you when you stated that you were coming back. Do you know why? Because there's a lot sh*t she's not telling you. Dude, obviously she's not as serious about a relationship than you are. So, you need to continue to stay NC. Heal and move on.

[Arabella]

Well, I read the whole thing

 

Beautiful story... but bottom line? It has ended, and you know that.

 

I was in a relationship with someone a lot like her... immature, promiscuous, who did drugs, strung me along, etc. I, like you, felt that I was one of the few people who were capable of helping him.

 

Not only did I never manage to get him out of the hole in 2 years, but it nearly destroyed me. Walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it because I had to.

 

You know what you have to do too. Keep up your NC and DO NOT be tempted to break it. You deserve better, you know it, and if you go back to being "friends" with her, she will only continue to hurt you.

 

Be strong.

 

-A

[source24]

Dude, this chick is a train wreck. Move on, move on, move on......

 

She cheates on you multiuple times, uses drugs....due, you deserve better. SHe freaked out on you when you stated that you were coming back. Do you know why? Because there's a lot sh*t she's not telling you. Dude, obviously she's not as serious about a relationship than you are. So, you need to continue to stay NC. Heal and move on.

 

Ever since posting this and just getting it all of my chest, I feel so much better. I think I was holding it all in, almost as if I was protecting her. I think once I had it all written out I really saw that it wasn't meant to be.

 

I will always be happy for the good times, but there was a lot of stuff that was messed up about what she did to me, and I know I deserve better. Now I am just looking forward to improving myself and really finding someone better for me.

[jwhite]

YA it was messed up! Never EVER go the friend route with an ex AGAIN!

 

No CONTACT! Deactivate FB, BLOCK her number, throw away almost ALL of the memories.

 

These chicks are weirdos. I think we just dated the wrong ones

[source24]

Well, I read the whole thing

 

Beautiful story... but bottom line? It has ended, and you know that.

 

I was in a relationship with someone a lot like her... immature, promiscuous, who did drugs, strung me along, etc. I, like you, felt that I was one of the few people who were capable of helping him.

 

Not only did I never manage to get him out of the hole in 2 years, but it nearly destroyed me. Walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it because I had to.

 

You know what you have to do too. Keep up your NC and DO NOT be tempted to break it. You deserve better, you know it, and if you go back to being "friends" with her, she will only continue to hurt you.

 

Be strong.

 

-A

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I truly appreciate the insight you gave to me. I think you are so right. They can't really be helped, and we shouldn't let ourselves get pulled down with them. I think she will realize what she lost in my when she is all alone and with no one left who wants to help her or cares about her, but it may be a long long time till that happens. I wish I could help her, but I guess I can't.

 

I won't break NC right now. I do deserve better. I can't let her keep hurting me.

 

Thanks for your kind words, really. I needed them, today has been hard.

[magnoliasoutherly]

Wow. I read the whole thing too. It seems I'm coming in late here because you sound like you've resolved in your mind what you need to do.

 

I just wanted to point something out though. If not for you, for any future reader of your thread. Scarred puppy or not, she is responsible for herself and no one, not you, not anyone, can fix her or help her. Trust me. Until she seeks help on her own, she's a done deal.

 

My ex didn't have drug problems but he sure had alcohol issues. I put up with it for over 7 years, thinking that I could help. Well, let's just say that I'm remarried to a dreamboat now.

 

You were absolutely right that you deserve better. You don't want that kind of destructive relationship.

 

Again, I'm very glad you felt better once you got it all out. I'm also glad that you seem very level headed about it. That alone will help you in the worst of times.

 

Many hugs and good luck to you.

[source24]

Wow. I read the whole thing too. It seems I'm coming in late here because you sound like you've resolved in your mind what you need to do.

 

I just wanted to point something out though. If not for you, for any future reader of your thread. Scarred puppy or not, she is responsible for herself and no one, not you, not anyone, can fix her or help her. Trust me. Until she seeks help on her own, she's a done deal.

 

My ex didn't have drug problems but he sure had alcohol issues. I put up with it for over 7 years, thinking that I could help. Well, let's just say that I'm remarried to a dreamboat now.

 

You were absolutely right that you deserve better. You don't want that kind of destructive relationship.

 

Again, I'm very glad you felt better once you got it all out. I'm also glad that you seem very level headed about it. That alone will help you in the worst of times.

 

Many hugs and good luck to you.

 

Thank you for reading, I truly appreciate it. When people read your story and empathize with your situation, it really helps that lonely feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you feel all alone, so thank you for that.

 

I feel like there is a sense of resolution, of moving forward and being okay with what happened and what I need to do, but sometimes it is hard not to think back to what could have been, and those times are hard, but I get through them and continue to look forward to the future.

 

But like you said, she has to deal with her problems on her own. I eventually came to the realization that holding on was only hurting me, and pushing her further away. She shouldn't be able to abuse my kindness, and she needs to get her stuff together on her own. This was when I decided to let her go, and it was so so hard, but I know that it is the right decision.

 

Also, I hope you and your dreamboat are super happy! haha Best of luck to you two! I hope someday I can find someone to share my love with again.

[Axee]

I say the same as everyone above. Leave her, she is immature will continue to hurt you.. maintain NC...

 

On a side note, I am really glad and pleasantly surprised that loveshack has such good mature and responsible members who are able to correctly assess a situation and give the right assessments and in a way that people can understand . and not just one or two almost 90% of the posts.. Great !!

[source24]

I say the same as everyone above. Leave her, she is immature will continue to hurt you.. maintain NC...

 

On a side note, I am really glad and pleasantly surprised that loveshack has such good mature and responsible members who are able to correctly assess a situation and give the right assessments and in a way that people can understand . and not just one or two almost 90% of the posts.. Great !!

 

Loveshack has been great. People are supportive, and give great advice. Coming here and reading other stories and responses, threads about recovery, it all makes me feel so much better. Not to mention the great responses I have gotten to my own story.

[Arabella]

Hey there OP,

 

Any updates? How are you holding up?

 

-A