I don't want to marry you.

[blue_jay_bird]

That pretty much is the gist of what i'll ever get from my ex.

 

But that still doesn't stop me for looking for answers. And since i can't get them from the ex. Well, i was hoping i could ask you lovable internet people.

 

Why would you stay with someone so long (7 year) if you didn't see a future with them?

 

And yes people change and what they want changes, but.

 

Why would you then date someone like your ex? When what you wanted changed?

 

Two clean questions. or Loaded question, from my perspective.

[itsmyfault]

You have really got to stop doing this to yourself.

 

The If's and but's do not matter. What matters is that He wants to be with someone else, NOT you.

 

No amount of answers will make you feel any better, Get back out there and forget him.

[KatZee]

My ex stayed with his girlfriend before me for over 6 years. He never saw a future with her. Why stay? It's convenient. He had all the perks of a wife without having to commit. Sex on the regular, a caring person, a companion. He was enjoying things "in the moment" and not really taking the future into consideration.

 

He didn't let that go because he was selfish. Why give up all those comforts? And if a girl is willing to stay for that long? Even better.

 

And who knows why he went for someone that's like you. My ex did the same thing. He basically spouted out a lot of garbage about what he thought he wanted and needed. First he said he needed to be single, then he was saying he wanted his kids to be Baptized? I have no idea why this even came up b/c I'm not religious at all and wouldn't have an issue with that.

 

So when we end, not only did he NOT stay single, he went and got with a girl that looked exactly like me. Which is hilarious because he always was like "ohhh love boobies, Love blonde hair! Love blue eyes!" and then the girl he gets with after me is on the smaller chest size like me, same dark hair, same dark eyes, same overall build, and the kicker... JEWISH. More Jewish than me. He basically tried dating a carbon copy of me. I'm sure he tried to replace me, but it actually didn't wind up working out. They ended not even 30 days later.

 

Who knows why these people do what they do. Obviously he missed me to some capacity and wanted what I had to offer but just wanted a new person.

[itsmyfault]

^^^ the part where you described, Boobs and blonde made me laugh

 

My Ex always thought that was what I wanted, Tbh I sort of did, I love blonde hair. As time goes on what people want changes, I myself will settle for what ever the person has, Big or small, Blonde or other.

 

However I am trying my hardest to stay away from ex look a likes, Even though she was extremely attractive.

 

The reason he is with someone like you? People don't like change, Change makes people uncomfortable. He will be feeling familiar with her.

[movingon12]

That pretty much is the gist of what i'll ever get from my ex.

 

But that still doesn't stop me for looking for answers. And since i can't get them from the ex. Well, i was hoping i could ask you lovable internet people.

 

Why would you stay with someone so long (7 year) if you didn't see a future with them?

 

And yes people change and what they want changes, but.

 

Why would you then date someone like your ex? When what you wanted changed?

 

Two clean questions. or Loaded question, from my perspective.

 

Is it 'I don't want to marry.'

 

Or 'I don't want to marry you.'

[Cutiepie1976]

You have really got to stop doing this to yourself.

 

The If's and but's do not matter. What matters is that He wants to be with someone else, NOT you.

 

No amount of answers will make you feel any better, Get back out there and forget him.

 

Completely agree with this!

 

I would also add a few things as you get back out there:

 

#1

Be clear in your own mind about what you want out of dating and your end goal.

 

#2

If you're dating to find a suitable spouse or life partner, then focus on dating those who share your goals. Dating someone who is in it just to date and have fun, in the hopes that he might someday see the light and change his mind is an exercise in futility. Of course he might. But chances are it will be years down the road with someone who isn't you. Figure out where a date stands early on before you become emotionally invested, otherwise you'll probably get frustrated and waste a lot of time reliving the second scenario over and over.

 

#3

Be observant. Does his lifestyle reflect swinging bachelor or stable responsible guy looking to settle down? Do his priorities, actions, and choices match that.

 

#4

Also people are entitled to change their minds. That is the whole point of dating! Even if someone is dating with an eye to marriage, you're still dating to find that person. It's a bit of an audition process. With each date you learn more and hopefully have a better sense of compatibility and potential for a shared future. In most cases, the answer becomes "no" along the way. Granted, it shouldn't take six or seven years to figure that out! While you hope your partner would tell you as soon as he realized there was no future, sometimes that doesn't happen. I check in every so often, and certainly if the future talk starts to die down. Time is a precious gift that I can't get back.

[Cutiepie1976]

Is it 'I don't want to marry.'

 

Or 'I don't want to marry you.'

 

If you're the person to whom it's being said, it really doesn't matter! The fact is he won't be marrying YOU.

 

Sorry, but it's a needless exercise in self-flagellation and torture to nitpick which exactly might have been the case in his mind.

[flitzanu]

how is that not an answer?

 

"i don't want chicken today."

 

"i don't want to marry you."

 

THAT IS YOUR ANSWER. that is your closure. reasons are irrelevant, because this is your ultimate reply.

[blue_jay_bird]

1. Women today will give Men everything they want without requiring a thing, much less a relationship or a Marriage. (Sex, FWB, no commitment, live with you and they will even pay for dates, etc.)

 

2. Guys do not think Marriage is the end all, be all of the world and this is due to a variety of reasons.

 

Truth being, most of us have had relationships longer than friends and family who were married. Sadly, Marriages today are disposable and people no longer take it seriously. (Where I live, divorce attorneys have billboards where they advertise getting a divorce for as little as $299).

 

There isn't a man on the planet who is not aware / been warned about two types of women. "Bait and Switch" women and the ones who monetized their vaginias. Both "types" of women have done a major disservice to the normal / good ones.

 

Therefore, a Marriage for most Men today is a Financial Contract where the guy assumes all the financial risks (We can and do get stuck with your debt you accumulated before we met you, lose our house, part of our 401k, cars, child support, etc.) For Example, since courts generally side with women, a cheating wife can still take a faithful man to the cleaners.

 

I am not a women hater and this is not intended to start a gender war. The "generalization" of this phenomenon is very real and every man is well aware / scared of it.

 

3. If / when a guy does want to marry, if need be... He can always go young. I have done this and so did most of my friends. We were just having "fun" until our early to mid 30s. Having "fun" can and did include several LTRs (I was in two 5 year ones and my friends were in some longer than that).

 

When we were finally ready for someone "more" and open to marriage, we dated and later married girls in their mid to late 20s.

 

 

 

The new "you" does not nag, bitch, complain and she is overjoyed and thrilled to have met and date us. Men get a new "honeymoon phase" and no longer have to deal with the pressure to marry you. (The "clock" for which we have to commit to marriage is now reset.)

 

 

 

See above.

 

 

Sounds like a fun sick world. Disposable women, reseting the clock till time runs out. Sadly most of its true.

[Solcita2]

A few years ago (let's say at least 5) I was talking to a male friend. He was dating a co worker.

He even lived with her for a while, while she was looking for a new place.

 

I don't know how the converstion started but he pretty much told me he didn't think he would get anywhere with this girl. I asked why he kept the relationship if he didn't think it had a future and he said:

"It's like when your parents give you the old family car. You don't love it and you don't think you'll have it forever, but for the moment it works and it takes you wherever you want to go... and you keep the car as long as you can't get a newer better model".

 

Five years later he's still with her.

 

I wonder if she knows she's the old family car... weird, huh?

[Simon Phoenix]

One of my buddies stayed with his ex for three years despite not really liking her at all. I would always ask him why he put up with her and he had three reasons.

 

1) He didn't have to work for sex. She'd provide it when he wanted it.

 

2) She would cook for him and she knew her way around the kitchen.

 

3) It took the minimum amount of effort to be in the relationship because she would cater to his every need. Basically, she was a default.

 

She tried breaking up with him twice -- once coming back within a week and once holding out for a month before coming back to him -- and when she'd ask back, he'd take her back out of pure convenience. Finally she realized what was going and dumped him and didn't come back. And he never once asked back.

 

A few months after that he met his current fiance. He made more effort to spend time with her within the first three weeks than he did in three years with his ex. Within seven months they were living together and were engaged within a year.

 

Cliffs: Convenience to our base wants (sex, food, companionship on our terms) helps explain why men stay with women that they see no permanent future with. That's not how I'm wired personally, but some people are.

[movingon12]

Is it 'I don't want to marry.'

 

Or 'I don't want to marry you.'

 

If you're the person to whom it's being said, it really doesn't matter! The fact is he won't be marrying YOU.

 

Sorry, but it's a needless exercise in self-flagellation and torture to nitpick which exactly might have been the case in his mind.

 

There's clearly a backstory that I'm not aware of, but the point I was trying to make was, there is a big difference between 'I love you, I want to be with you forever, but I don't believe in marriage' vs 'I don't see us having a future together'.

[Cutiepie1976]

Based on the question posed in the OP, we are discussing the latter...

 

...

 

Why would you stay with someone so long (7 year) if you didn't see a future with them?

 

And yes people change and what they want changes, but.

 

Why would you then date someone like your ex? When what you wanted changed?

 

Two clean questions. or Loaded question, from my perspective.

 

But it really doesn't matter. I understand there are varied reasons to not marry someone (philosophical reasons vs. she's not the one for me, etc.). Again, if her end goal is to marry, all that matters is that he won't be marrying her. Parsing which reason exactly serves no purpose. She's still not married to him or to anyone else for that matter because she focused on the wrong person for her. Their goals were incompatible. She wants to go to point A with him. He's lounging at point B with zero intent of ever making it to A with her.

 

If she doesn't want to go through the same disappointment repeatedly, she needs to identify when marriage is not in the cards rather quickly instead of focusing on reasons. Sometimes it's true from the very beginning. Sometimes, it's a change.

 

So sad, but as some posts show, some are happy to partake of all that is on offer even though they have no intention of meeting the other person's expectations.