City_Lover Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 The breakup background: I had been seeing a lovely man for a few months, and thought we were both deliriously happy. I had come to like and care for him a great deal, but last week he started expressing doubts about his 'readiness for a relationship', owing to residual heartache from a bad breakup that occurred shortly before we met. He realized he never properly healed from his heartbreak, and subsequently couldn't love me (or anyone) like I deserved. What he said ultimately amounted to: though he wished he could, he isn't able to be in a relationship. My response was that it made me sad, but that meant we both had to move on. He wanted to keep talking and seeing each other, but I said we'd have to go NC. The whole story can be found here, if anyone is interested. I asked him to send me my things the day we broke up, and our contact since then has been limited to the logistics of sending my package; we haven't had any contact at all in the last few days. ... Earlier tonight, he sent me an email, the gist of which is: He's been thinking of me, he's really sorry for the way things played out, and he misses me.He hopes he can get his act together, and that if that happens and I'm single, that I'll consider giving him and us another chance. He forgot to include a few things in my package, so he'll send another next week. Oh, and he included money with my things. ...he went on to say that he knows my first instinct will be to return the gift, but he doesn't want me to do that for several reasons: we had a bet that I won that he never made good on, he wants to do something nice for me, and he wants me to do something nice for myself. ... SO Points 1 & 2: I have missed him terribly. These last few days I have forced myself to go about the business of living my life, but through everything I do-at the office, at the gym, out with friends and when I lay my head to rest at night-I fight to ignore a dull ache in my chest where my hope for our future used to glow. It felt so VERY GOOD to read that he misses me too, but I know his message-as heart-breakingly sweet as it is-doesn't really change anything: he still isn't healed, and still isn't ready for a relationship. And I know that he may never be ready, and the only way I will get rid of that dull ache is to embrace NC. I can and will. As for point 3? Well, here is where I've been caught completely off guard. My ex is *extremely* wealthy, and I think it confounded him a bit that I never let him go crazy 'spoiling' me when we were together. I didn't take him up on offers of expensive gifts or free vacations, and even footed the bill once or twice when we went out. I haven't decided if his offer is insulting or sweet, but either way he is correct in that my first instinct is not to accept the money. On the other hand: he did lose that bet! And owing to some unexpected and daunting recent expenses (that he doesn't know about), I could really use it. What do you think LS; would you accept the gift? How would you react and respond? Thanks for reading.
2sunny Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Yes, just accept it and don't respond to his kind gesture. Use the money wisely. Pay a small amount forward to someone else that could use it too!
movingon12 Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 If technically he owed it to you for losing the bet, you need it, and he can easily afford it: keep the money - but don't reply. It's time for NC.
Own Worst Enemy Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 he could have sent something thoughtful if he'd really wanted to treat you. what could you buy with it now that you'd ever enjoy using? that being said, the moral high ground doesn't really pay your bills, and if you need the money and you won't use repaying it as an excuse to speak to him again, do whatever feels right.
Author City_Lover Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Thanks for the responses, and I LOVE the suggestion about paying it forward: I'll definitely be sending some of it to a charity. I am finding it very difficult not to respond to his message today, though. I want so badly to acknowledge the sweet things he said. I wish I could admit how hard this has been for me as well, and clarify that although the idea that things could work out between us is lovely, it's not something I will rely on or wait for. It occurs to me that he might genuinely feel sad and miss me, or maybe he just wants to know he can still get a response out of me for his ego. Maybe it's both. Sigh.
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