BF says he fsuddenly feels numb, emotionless and no love.

[Catty]

My story is long and complicated so I'll tone it down and say only the highlights.

 

Met boyfriend 21years ago when we were 15, best friends, in relationship for 6years till age 26. Seperated due to me wanted to travel and see the world, he wanted to settle. He got married two years later, has 3 daughters age 5 twins and 7. He got divorced this year.

 

After ex wife moved out, he contacted me, we got together in June and it was like we were never apart, the love and friendship and intensity of our romance was as good as ever. We live far apart though so see each other a week amonth. I love him more than anything. The kids live with him, ex wife is not a nice person. He got treated for mild depression when the divorce proceedings started. Is on mood stabilizers and anti depressants. In the months we were together he has been loving, caring and wonderful.

 

Now the crux of the post....

 

Three weeks ago in his words, in an instant, he went numb, lost all his emotions, can't feel any love for me. We don't know if it's the meds his taking, did he have a depressing episode, is it due to he huge amounts of stress he had to cope with that week (ex wife signed final papers, kids birthday, knee operation for him) and he is seeing his therapist on Monday. He went from a loving partner to a stranger in literally 5minutes. Flat ignored me for days, then messaged and said he literally lost his emotions, is terrified by it and doesn't know what to do.

 

So it's been like this for 3 weeks, first week was utter hell, I was in shock, like wtf!! then he started to talk a little, but still, it's terrible as all I can think of is he doesnt love me. Last night I asked him why does he care if I stick around or move on and he replied it's because he knows he shouldnt feel so numb, that his brain tells him to fight it and that he knows he shouldnt lose his best friend and soulmate.

 

I have been in a total state of madness, I have cried everyday ten times a day, been depressed, drink calming meds, cannot work and find it very difficult to be positive.

 

I know nobody will have answers, if it's his depression or if he is having an episode of no love for people...will it get better, is there hope for me?

If it isn't that, maybe he got cold feet and doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

What do I do till it changes, I am just not coping. I mean do I wait for him to love me again, do I still message him, do I ignore him to make him realise he is missing me, should we have no contact whatsoever. He is trying to be nice and at least saying hello and how are you each day but I have seen no real change in his affection. I know it's killing him too.

 

 

I guess I just want some ideas, should I be all loving and sweet and just say I love you it will be ok and make him remember how he loved and why he loved me? Or ignore him flat........and for how long, or do I just sit back and answer his messages when ever he messages me and wait to hear what his therapist says? I get so angry at him and feel guilty as I dont understand and then I feel sorry for him cause if I suddenly stopped feeling without understanding why I'd be equally upset.

 

I don't want replies of people saying he is a bad person and playing me, I know he isn't...I am not saying he perhaps doesnt want to commit or anything, it might be that, but I need to know when to stop waiting for him.....surely I cannot wait forever?

 

I am so confused!!

[todreaminblue]

i had a long period of this not caring about anything or anyone and struggling with depression.....i was on anti psychotics anti depressants and they didnt mix well....once my estrogen levels were 300 times the normal amount yes three hundred times...they had to switch my meds again because i became a cow.......

 

 

i had cotton wool brain most of the time,lack of desire for anything or anyone,was extremely depressed because the meds piled weight on my frame...so this year i just gave it up.still fighting still alive...and losing weight now.....i suggest talking to the prescribing doctor about the meds...

 

 

meds can cause lack of emotion and numbness....i still get numb sometimes normally when i am really anxious.....unless i say it you wouldn't know it......numb can appear calm......i feel a lot now including desire and anxiety and i worry a lot....

 

in your boyfriends case it might be the mood stabilizer...i have tried so many meds had years of therapy and intervention.....over it......relying on faith and good humour......i dont suggest your boyfriend do this...i think taking to the doctor who prescribed his meds and maybe adjusting the dose or finding a more compatible mix maybe......he can feel again....i would say it is the meds especially if they have been changed in the last month or if the doseage increased or decreased....good luck....deb

[Catty]

Thanks for the reply. His mood stabilizer was actually decreased in August, so it's 3 months ago already. He said his doctor warned him that there is a possibility to hit a very deep low on the meds at least once, that is why the aim is to ultimately be on no mood stabilizers and only anti depressants. I noticed when it got changed that he was a teensy bit different..just sort of less excited but I figured men and women are different, I am all jump up and down when I am in love and I figured he was over the hearts and flower stage. I never however expected him to say he doesnt feel love anymore.

 

Ok so, you are semi-certain it's the meds? Can you really feel no love, why does he still feel love for his kids though?

 

He is seeing his therapist on Monday so I am praying things will change.

 

In the meantime, what do I do..it's been 21days..he texts every other day and it's just how was your day, maybe one or two lines and thats it. I just still feel as if someone punched me. I want to be positive but honestly I am quite a mess.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the reply. His mood stabilizer was actually decreased in August, so it's 3 months ago already. He said his doctor warned him that there is a possibility to hit a very deep low on the meds at least once, that is why the aim is to ultimately be on no mood stabilizers and only anti depressants. I noticed when it got changed that he was a teensy bit different..just sort of less excited but I figured men and women are different, I am all jump up and down when I am in love and I figured he was over the hearts and flower stage. I never however expected him to say he doesnt feel love anymore.

 

Ok so, you are semi-certain it's the meds? Can you really feel no love, why does he still feel love for his kids though?

 

He is seeing his therapist on Monday so I am praying things will change.

 

In the meantime, what do I do..it's been 21days..he texts every other day and it's just how was your day, maybe one or two lines and thats it. I just still feel as if someone punched me. I want to be positive but honestly I am quite a mess.

 

 

You dont really know what you are feeling you know you love those around you but you struggle to be happy about it....i felt my head was wrapped in cotton wool.....i felt fuzzy uncoordinated and apathetic and just when the medication would start to wear off at the end of the day i would be due for the next dose which i had about 40 minutes and it would be lights out I hated the meds.......my family was there for me.....they put up with me.......i hardly spoke and was extremely reclusive....this is the longest time with episodes i have not taken them up again and i wont go back......meds do change behavior especially a mood stabiliser your boyfriend needs to document or journal his days and what he is feeling and any swings or lack of emotion he feels and take that journal to the doctor next visit....i know and understand how hard it must be for you to deal with.This stage he is in wont last forever , the doctor will find some way to help.....there are counselors specifically aimed for partners of people with mental illness...its not an easy road....see if there is a group near you where you can go and talk to others, going through the same things that you do...it does help...my family have mostly stood by me through the good and the bad and i appreciate them and i consider myself blessed to have people that care about me.......i wish you much love and happiness and hope that you gt shown the love you deserve to be shown...you know what??? I am sure you will...hugs......deb

[Catty]

Thanks again

 

I need advice now on what to do until he gets his feelings back..

 

Do I break all contact with him, if I send him a text message he 99% of the time doesn't reply. In the last two days he sent one or two hello messages, very much "Hello how was your day" two line messages.

 

I get the feeling that he feels guilty and thus he messages me every so often just to ease the guilt, or am i wrong?

 

Honestly I dont know how to handle it, do I just dont talk to him at all, do I answer his messages in the same tone as him and keep it short and sweet, do i not message / call him first but wait for him to do it.

 

I was also wondering if I shouldnt tell him to not contact me at all until he decides if he wants to have a relationship again, but that seems so mean??

 

I know my heart must be more important than him but it's difficult to not "wait" for him to be "fixed" magically.

 

 

If nothing changes, should I let go? I dont think I can carry on like this without a definite answer on if we are getting back together...I dont mind waiting but it can't be forever right? Dont get me wrong, I love him, I have loved him since we were 15 years old (we are now 36) and he is my best friend...but we are two people in this and I am hurting too...I just dont want to feel like this.

Edited November 14, 2012 by Catty

[Catty]

Hello everyone

Well here I am again and again I want help, confused beyond recognition but mostly about myself.

 

Ok so my bf (or ex bf?) didnt change drastically, things stayed pretty much the same till yesterday when he went to see his therapist, he had no emotions.

 

After his session he messaged me the outcome, and it sounded as if everything was put on me...according to the doctor...

 

Basically, he was not ready for a relationship, nor the committment, and because he liked me so much, he put too much pressure on himself.

He said he made a big mistake into letting me talk him into us sleeping in the same bed when I first met the kids... - I said to him we should do that so the kids can see we are serious and not think he is having a fling and he agreed...how I talked him into it?

I didnt like his ex staying with them in the same house overnight one week after I was there, thought it would confuse the kids and he told me the doctor said I have no right to say the ex wife cannot see her kids or stay over.... I was like WHAT...I never said she cant see the kids nor would I ever.??

He also said the doctor said we shouldnt change each other blah blah and I should accept him for who he is, again I was like wtf...I never had an issue with him or who he is or anything?

 

Bare in mind that we live 8hours away and I saw him maybe 20days in 5 months.

 

The doctor also said that he should tell me, that I can't give my bf any pressure, and if I can't handle not getting 100% from him then I should find someone else who will. Again...WTF? Also said I can't expect a ring and wedding and him to get a new job and move closer to me.........I want to shout WTF now as these were all his ideas and his suggestions, I was just happy to be with him...I hate that it sounds like it was me??

 

My boyfriend sounded like it was all okay, he said we shouldnt give up, just take a step back and have no pressure, I asked exactly what that means and he said it means communication via telephone and messages, definitely us still visiting each other and that is it...no pressure on getting a ring, married, moving closer to each other and a new job. Which is awesome if you take into consideration that a ring, marriage, moving and a new job were all his ideas, not mine.

 

So obviously I am upset and bewildered and not sure what to do. He is putting it all on me and he has said many times last night he thinks we should break it off for my sake, that I deserve someone with less issues, that I deserve someone who can give me what I want right now, that we should break all contact so that he can relieve me of any further pain blah blahhhhhhhhh. He also said he doesn't know if it is worth trying again, as he couldnt handle me looking at him with distrusting eyes and knowing that I am so hurt.

 

I asked him if he loved me and he said yes, I said if we were ending it, it will have to be him that ends it, he started it a year ago and promised me the stars and he now says I asked for too much when it was him who voluntarily offered it, I asked him a billion times if we are not moving to fast. He says he doesnt want to end it......and I said I need to take a few days to think.

 

What do I do? Do I end it and forget about him and our 21year friendship or do I try again and just hold back...help.

[Catty]

Hello all

 

Update, things were going okay-ish, then he said he feels guilty for thinking of marriage and livng together whilst he is legally still married even though the court date is around the corner, we got into a bit of a fight...later he apologised and said I deserve someone better than him and I should find someone else...I said as you wish (I was a bit upset and tired of his mindgames) and he said I should delete him of facebook and messenger etc and before I could reply he did it, he deleted me off everything and I text him and tried to call but he didnt answer.

 

What happened, so now we are over, and this is how he did it.......wtf??

[CptSaveAho]

Hes told you for a long time its over... you havent been listening

[Treasa]

I agree that he's been saying it's over for a while now. I don't understand why you'd even want him at this point. Would I suppose my boyfriend or husband if he were going through a hard time? Yes, but there had better have been A LOT of commitment built up until then, and I don't mean a long friendship where we were out of contact for a large portion of it.

 

I also wouldn't be ok with him saying he had no feelings, gaslighting me, etc. And this is exactly what he's doing to you - gaslighting. Look it up. It's a common term around here. My very very recent ex did it to me, too, but it just pissed me off and drove me away rather than having its intended effect of manipulating me.

 

This guy has just been through a divorce, isn't even completely done with it yet, and you're ready to give him all this unconditional love. No way. I wouldn't even date a guy until he had been divorced for at least six months to a year, and even then it'd be casual.

 

I suggest you pull away completely, don't reply to this texts, and focus on your own life. There's something missing that you're expecting from him that you should be giving to yourself.

[geegirl]

Hello all

 

Update, things were going okay-ish, then he said he feels guilty for thinking of marriage and livng together whilst he is legally still married even though the court date is around the corner, we got into a bit of a fight...later he apologised and said I deserve someone better than him and I should find someone else...I said as you wish (I was a bit upset and tired of his mindgames) and he said I should delete him of facebook and messenger etc and before I could reply he did it, he deleted me off everything and I text him and tried to call but he didnt answer.

 

What happened, so now we are over, and this is how he did it.......wtf??

 

You said he divorced last year in your first post but now you state he is still legally married.

 

If the man hasn't even finalized his divorce, there is certainly a high degree of emotional exhaustion that he's going through and I can safely say that he's trying to tell you he can't manage a relationship.

 

It's a possibility that you both started out strong because he was looking for crutch, someone to lean on during a difficult time. Granted, he may very well love and care for you but I don't believe he can sustain it because it's not coming from a healthy mindset.

 

My boyfriend was married for many years. Divorced three years ago. Full custody of his kids. We were friends before we started dating. When we met just after the divorce, he used to tell me that he felt empty and dead inside and even felt a disconnect from his kids. Sometimes telling his kids "I love you" felt like something he just had to say. He used to say he felt an emotional void for everyone because his whole world had fallen apart. Too consumed in hurt and pain. He was afraid of everything. Commitment, intimacy, relationships. The thought of doing it all again was daunting. I remember he would always use the term "emotionally spent" when we would talk about him dating or finding someone.

 

I have a sense that everything your boyfriend claims the therapist said are actually his thoughts. He just can't come out right and say that it's what he believes to be true, partly due to guilt.

 

Jumping from an impending divorce to playing house with you without having had the time to grieve and heal from the demise of his marriage is a recipe for disaster.

Edited November 26, 2012 by geegirl

[Catty]

Hello again....another update as it's been a while.

 

After my last post he sent an email to say that (what the previous poster also pointed out) he can't manage a relationship. He said he needed to get over the feeling of failure about the divorce part, that he has to learn how to love and give love etc. Said he can't be with me now as he cannot give me what I deserve and that we clearly cannot be just friends.

 

So I accepted it, didn't contact him, it was actually nice (weird) to not see him on facebook or wait for messages etc. I almost felt relieved. I still grieved but it was almost easier to know I won't hear from him. Still heartbroken though.

 

Exactly 3weeks later out of the blue he sent a text, just hi how are you, I replied back. Since then he has sent messages everyday..... it's almost as if he wants to talk to me but he doesnt. The messages are just one a day and it's hi how are you or what are you doing and when I reply he doesnt reply back. Or he'll send cute pictures of puppies (lol).

I don't know why he made contact again however I asume it was to tell me the news about him moving closer. We used to live 8 hours by car apart and thus saw each other once a month and now he will be 1hour away. When we were together he applied for the job and he got it. It is our home town where we grew up in and his parents are also there. He is very excited and i am happy for him.

 

I must say when I heard it I was so hopeful, he said we should go out for dinner sometime and he also said he is buying new furniture etc for his house and I should help him decorate and choose items etc. He said he is glad he is moving closer as distance create distance. That now he can have normal friendships and he now will have a support system.

 

We have not once spoke about us, but he did once say that he just wants to say time heals wounds and he thought he was healed when he was with me but he wasn't, and he also is struggling to get over how much he hurt me. (I didn't reply back).

 

So obviously I thought whoohoo this is it, he is moving closer, we will see each other like normal people...maybe a movie, dinner...hang out every so often and maybe later again have a relationship...I am up for that..

 

Then confusion - he sent me a picture quote and said he thought of me when he saw it..it's about a girl being single and proud of it, and waiting for a real man who gives her 100% commitment. Very nice but I mean wtf? It made it clear he wants me to move on with someone else...but why did he contact me then.

 

I know it's been 3wks only so I am not expecting a miracle and I am patient and I just want to know if it is wrong to be hopeful...even in the long run... We have such a long history as friends and more than that that I almost cannot imagine us not getting together again. However he has changed and now I am wondering am I wrong to be hopeful?

 

I guess I need to understand if I should keep answering his texts and if he moves closer and asks me out should I go out with him? At the moment I am very indifferent when he texts me, I just reply with a polite yes or no answer...like we are in highschool (hehe). Should I be nicer to him and reach out to him more or just leave things as they are now and see how the future envolds or should I again break all contact and ask him to only contact me should he be ready for a relationship?

[crashvector]

What meds is he taking and how long as he been on them?

Edited January 2, 2013 by crashvector

[Catty]

HI Crash.

 

Oh dear I don't remember but I know he has been taking them for about a year now. Antidepressants and a mood stabilizer. I know that the mood stabalizer has been decreased (dosage) every 3 months as the aim was to have him take only anti depressants. I just cannot remember the names of the meds sorry.

[crashvector]

HI Crash.

 

Oh dear I don't remember but I know he has been taking them for about a year now. Antidepressants and a mood stabilizer. I know that the mood stabalizer has been decreased (dosage) every 3 months as the aim was to have him take only anti depressants. I just cannot remember the names of the meds sorry.

 

The mood stabilizer would most likely be Depakote, Lamictal, Lithium or Abilify.

 

The Anti-depressant is most likely Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac, or similar.

 

any of this ring a bell?

 

did he start taking them before or after you met him?

 

Did you notice him acting erratic or different?

 

Did he complain of feeling emotionally numb AFTER he started the meds?

[Catty]

Hi again

 

Oooh sorry I honestly dont remember, I think it was something that started with an L...

 

He started to take the meds before he met me, about 6 months actually (I remembered he is probably now been on it for a year and a half). We only spoke on the phone and messages before we started dating again...he said he wanted to only meet with me when he felt like a human being again so by the time we got together it was 6months since meds started.

 

He was completely fine for the first 3months of us being together...then he went to the Doctor and his mood stabilizers got decreased and I must say I then noticed a change in behaviour. It was as if he wasnt as excited about us as before and he was more tired than usual. He complained about feeling numb about 5 months after we got together. It actually happened completely out of the blue. I went to him and met the kids and stayed for a week. After I left things were perfect for 4days. Then boom suddenly he went awol and I know it was because so much happened at the same time. I visited, the kids asked why I was there and not their mom, he had a knee injury and had to get a small operation and him and his ex signed the final divorce papers...all in a matter of 3days so I assume that is what triggered the numbness and I understand completely.

[crashvector]

Hi again

 

Oooh sorry I honestly dont remember, I think it was something that started with an L...

 

He started to take the meds before he met me, about 6 months actually (I remembered he is probably now been on it for a year and a half). We only spoke on the phone and messages before we started dating again...he said he wanted to only meet with me when he felt like a human being again so by the time we got together it was 6months since meds started.

 

He was completely fine for the first 3months of us being together...then he went to the Doctor and his mood stabilizers got decreased and I must say I then noticed a change in behaviour. It was as if he wasnt as excited about us as before and he was more tired than usual. He complained about feeling numb about 5 months after we got together. It actually happened completely out of the blue. I went to him and met the kids and stayed for a week. After I left things were perfect for 4days. Then boom suddenly he went awol and I know it was because so much happened at the same time. I visited, the kids asked why I was there and not their mom, he had a knee injury and had to get a small operation and him and his ex signed the final divorce papers...all in a matter of 3days so I assume that is what triggered the numbness and I understand completely.

 

 

yeah...that's a LOT of mess at once.

 

I'd say just hang in there for a bit since he hasn't told you he wants to end your relationship.

 

It isn't nice...but consider it an investment. Your patience with him now, whil he's going through a rough time WILL be remembered and appreciated.

[Catty]

Thanks for replying it's nice to get some positive feedback hehe...

 

He has actually ended the relationship end November, he broke all contact and said we cannot be together as he cannot handle being in a relationship. Now he has contacted me again and again said he cannot be with someone for now..... so yes I am patient but I dont want to get my hopes up for nothing.

 

Everyone has mostly said I must move on, forget him, get over it etc but I cannot because I have known him for so long and he is not a bad person, he will never hurt anyone intentionally. I do think things will get much better for him when he moves back home and have family and friends surrounding him. He has been very lonely where he was living away from everyone.

 

I just feel so very "high-school" with wondering should I text him, or only when he texts me, should I say this or that, should I wait till he asks me out and say yes or no..... should I break contact or not blah blah...

[crashvector]

Thanks for replying it's nice to get some positive feedback hehe...

 

He has actually ended the relationship end November, he broke all contact and said we cannot be together as he cannot handle being in a relationship. Now he has contacted me again and again said he cannot be with someone for now..... so yes I am patient but I dont want to get my hopes up for nothing.

 

Everyone has mostly said I must move on, forget him, get over it etc but I cannot because I have known him for so long and he is not a bad person, he will never hurt anyone intentionally. I do think things will get much better for him when he moves back home and have family and friends surrounding him. He has been very lonely where he was living away from everyone.

 

I just feel so very "high-school" with wondering should I text him, or only when he texts me, should I say this or that, should I wait till he asks me out and say yes or no..... should I break contact or not blah blah...

 

Oh crap...okay...i must be getting too tired to be here anymore for me to have missed that part.

 

My advice based on what you have just said is this: Move on. If he comes back and you are available and want to pursue something with him at that point...great.

 

If you have someone new that you really like and he's too late? Too bad for him and all the better for you

 

I'd play it cool: DONT text him. WHEN he texts you...wait a full DAY before you reply to him...keep your answer short, and say something like "I'm doing fine. Sorry..busy now...have to go."

 

and leave it at that.

 

He'll make the next move.

[Catty]

Eeeek.......okay I will try. I am okay with not textin first but to only reply a day later..... will require some commitment from my side lol.

 

I just dont want him to feel like I don't want to be with him anymore. He feels very guilty for hurting me (he should) and he feels he doesnt deserve me (probably doesn't) but I still love him and I can forgive him because I know he didn't do it intentionally. I am just scared if I play it too cool he'd think I really dont want to be with him and then accept that it is probably for the best....so in short I dont want him to move on because he thinks I have if that makes sense. I'll play it as cool as possible though.

[crashvector]

Eeeek.......okay I will try. I am okay with not textin first but to only reply a day later..... will require some commitment from my side lol.

 

I just dont want him to feel like I don't want to be with him anymore. He feels very guilty for hurting me (he should) and he feels he doesnt deserve me (probably doesn't) but I still love him and I can forgive him because I know he didn't do it intentionally. I am just scared if I play it too cool he'd think I really dont want to be with him and then accept that it is probably for the best....so in short I dont want him to move on because he thinks I have if that makes sense. I'll play it as cool as possible though.

 

you always want what you can't have.

 

You dont wanna seem TOO eager. Waiting one day between his first text and your answer will make him realize you have more of a life than just sitting around waiting for him to make himself available.

 

He will realize he can't take you for granted.