Knocked back keep questioning

[21flames]

Although I haven't been doing amazing the last month of NC is helping.

 

2 Days ago through no fault of my own I found out she is moving from the flat we shared tomorrow. I know this should mean it's the best closure I will get as she denied everything up till NC......but

 

It has made me question everything again and remember times together.

 

Was I really that bad?

 

Why she never made effort to work though our problems throughout the relationship? It was always me

 

Has she really only left for someone who has money and can offer her a stable future and children? ( Reasons she gave for part of break up )

 

Can money really buy happiness?

 

But then I think to myself how I started seeing her behind her ex's back and she has left me the same way 5 years on.

 

So now I'm thinking of how she is and if this new life will last?

 

Can she change and will someone trust enough to have a future and family?

 

Will she realise what I gave her and effort I put in?

 

I really can't see it myself ( Perhaps this is my male ego hoping I'm right and in a way hoping down the line she realizes what we had or at least what I was really like)

 

I know I shouldn't be thinking this but I have had no work for a few weeks so have a lot of time on my hands, although I go to the gym everyday.

 

Although she was a lazy partner and fooked me around so much and I never trusted her I still really loved her and genuinely cared for her and tried my best and I kind of hope in a way she does realise that when it's too late.

 

I know I could never take her back even if she did down the line, she asked if we could work it out a few weeks after I left even though she had been seeing someone for months and had her new life set up. I told her they was no way I could trust her especially as she was still lying to me.

 

It's sh*t to have to think all this but I feel I have been strong as I did not beg, I did send a few mushy e mails and texts after a few weeks which is when she asked to try again ( Like she needed me to write down how I felt and what we had for her to actually feel it and question what she was doing! )

 

Also I have kept NC for a month.

 

Does anybody else experience these feeling and questions or know when they might subside?

 

And don't tell me to man up as I'm being as strong as I can, and the people that usually come on here telling people to man up, go nc etc are the ones that break nc a few days later or sleep with the women so it's hypocritical really.

 

Thanks

[KatZee]

 

It has made me question everything again and remember times together.

 

Was I really that bad?

 

Why she never made effort to work though our problems throughout the relationship? It was always me

 

This happened with my ex as well. I was always there for him. Trying my best. Always working to fix the relationship. I may not have been perfect, I may not have always acted the way he wanted me to, but at the end of the day, I was always ME and I always respected him; and I never betrayed him by cheating and constantly lying the way he did me.

 

I don't think I was "really that bad" or if it was "just me" throughout our relationship. I think people like him have problems, and it has nothing to do with us, it has to do with THEM. They're probably miserable on the inside and the only way to feel better is to make others feel lesser than them.

 

When he dumped me I went and spoke to a friend of mine, and he looked me dead in the eye and was like, "Do you know why he always knocked you down? Why he always made you feel like you were worthless and that he was better than you? Do you know why he always told you that YOU were the problem? Because you were the alpha. He was trying to knock you down to his level."

 

I'm going to say that this is probably your exes issue as well.

 

 

But then I think to myself how I started seeing her behind her ex's back and she has left me the same way 5 years on.

 

So now I'm thinking of how she is and if this new life will last?

 

My ex did the same thing as well. For months while he was "courting" me he actually had a girlfriend of six years. I was completely unaware but after about 3 months of a "friendship" and flirting and obvious interest between us, he confessed he had a girlfriend but that he was "so unhappy" and that he "hadn't loved her for years" and that he "had been looking for someone like me for years but never found anyone."

 

I fell for his sob story hook line and sinker. She was so horrible. He was so miserable. She was immature and dull and boring and stupid and he had tried to leave her so many times and she screwed him over so many times, and blah blah blah.

 

I literally stood by his side and helped him through that relationship. He left her for me. After six years with her and that's how he treated her. By emotionally cheating on her behind her back. By hiding my number in his cell phone and renaming me as a guy. By swearing to her face up and down that there wasn't another girl. He actually dumped her over the phone. Six years and that's how he treated her. Like she was a piece of garbage. He dumped her and started dating me like 2 weeks later.

 

I honestly should have seen the way he treated her and ran for the hills. Because when he dumped me after almost 3 years together, he pulled THE SAME S.HIT with me. I found out he met someone at his new job. A month after dumping me, he was seeing her. I'm sure it started sooner than that, and I'm sure he met her while he was still with me.

 

After three years I was thrown out just like his ex before me was thrown out. As if we meant nothing. I don't think people who do this are capable of true love. If you truly love someone, you couldn't be so callous and cruel to act like people are things you discard.

 

If your ex did it to the one before you, and then did it to you, she will do it again to this new guy. Just the same as my ex will get bored with whatever poor soul he manages to date next. These people just leave destruction wherever they go. They don't grasp love, and selfless behavior. They are selfish, after one thing and one thing only. Their interests. They don't care about you, or me or anyone else. It's what they want, and when whatever person they are with no longer serves their needs, they too will be thrown out like trash.

 

I don't think you should sit around thinking you did something wrong. You didn't. And don't bother waiting around and asking if this new guy will work out. These people are black holes. Void of happiness, and no person will ever fill that void until they are happy with themselves.

 

It's been 6 months since my breakup and my ex hasn't contacted me once to tell me he realizes how amazing I was or to apologize. He's a self centered a.sshole and he continues to live his life with his head shoved so far up his a.ss.

 

Just continue on with the NC. These soul suckers will eventually reap what they have sown and we are better off without them.

[21flames]

Thanks KAT

 

It's sounds like my ex is just like yours (Why don't these kinda of people ever hook up? They can probably spot each other a mile off that's why!)

 

I agree it is them with the problems and you where probably right about being Alpha, like a power struggle in a relationship.

 

I was in and out of work, not out for long periods and she would pay for a lot, lt was never a problem to start, she new my situation and said money didn't matter but she would not contribute to work through problems and make a equal effort emotionally, yet on my low wage I would still surprise her with, perfume, flowers, ear rings even saw a top in her style once and got that, not many men buy clothing, also I cooked great food all the time, supported her in everything but it was never enough and at the end throw it all back at me making out I was the terrible one in the relationship who made her a skivvy and lived off her, her true colours came out then!!

 

I too stood by her side as she split from him, we hired a van and moved stuff out of there old place in to are new one, 18 months later after much suspition I found a secret phone she was having an affair with someone else. I convinced her that it was a fling as they had nothing in common just the thrill of the sex. I even wrote a list of how we could both change to be happy ( she should have been doing that if she really wanted me ) I was staying at my folks half the week until she begged me to come back, how it was my home how much she loved me etc and I stupidly came back for her not to change at all and over 9 months from then set up a new life ( With Same man I presume unless she went out looking shortly after i came back and found someone new )

 

 

She told me he had a stable job, house money etc, so she is what you said a totally selfish individual! She thinks all this will make her happy??

 

Course it will not, it wont stop her compulsive lying, or looking elsewhere and cheating again when things get bad, she's in totally denial, these people are not right!

 

She gets what she thinks she wants which I have heard is the big 4 bed house she is moving too and after a time it's not enough and she gets bored.

 

They must also be very insecure not to face being alone and that they are not adult enough to put effort into a ltr and make it work.

 

Just want want want, take, take, take.........No give!!! or very little

 

I know I shouldn't be wondering if they will work cause her track record speaks for it's self, it just hard, you think you weren't enough, didn't have enough to offer money wise etc.

 

She even took are pets, the one we picked together and 2 stray cats we took on, it's just hard to see how a person can move them to her new life but like you have said about what they are, they just can.

 

I spose it's a male ego thing, wanting her to some day realise and make contact, it's like a reinsurance it wasn't you. I know these feeling will fade.

 

She still had contact with the guy she left me for, when she was =cheating with the other guy last year her and her ex where actually discussing her cheating on me and considering leaving me..........how bizarre....she actually married him before leaving for me 3 weeks later, he must have fell into the friends zone, can't believe he would want to every contact her again!!

 

That's why I'm expecting some contact at some point down the line but I won't be falling into the old I forgive you lets be civil friends zone!

 

 

My ex before did a similar thing but didn't move in with someone and she came begging back 6 month then 18 months later and I told her in no uncertain circumstances it was never going to happen.

 

I will keep no contact as I know it will put me right back, I have heard nothing so far.

[Sameold]

Past behaviour is the best predictor of the future...

 

You need to stop thinking about whether or not she will be happy with someone else as ultimately her behaviour is that of someone who is flaky and is able too easily let go of everything.

 

Basically earlier this year my long term girlfriend of 4 years just up and left and moved her whole life to a new town and started seeing some guy straight away so I know how you feel. Is she happy? who knows...I hope not but who cares. There is no way we are getting back together and I hate her for treating me so badly considering how much love I gave to her. Shes also proven she isnt emotionally mature enough and solid enough to be the women I want as my wife in the future.

 

Start thinking practically about what has happened, you will soon realise who has done wrong here and take consolation of the fact it probably wasn't you.

 

Also though, you make it sound like you started seeing this girl when she was with someone else so welcome to the world of karma. That's not being nasty but next time you start dating remember this pain and be careful not to throw your efforts to women that may have problems in their relationships and just see you as a way out.

[21flames]

I was thinking practically until I found out tomorrow is her final moving day, I could have done without that, my mum saw some of our furniture on ebay and in the description it said it needed be collected no later than tomorrow......Thanks for telling me that one Mum!!

 

I was looking at everything logically before, don't worry I will again after advice on here.

 

And yes I was a fool to get involved with her while she was involved and I tried to end it a good few times but she came with the lies, she had left him etc etc and I took the bait for her to go and marry him and go on honeymoon then come back and leave for me.

 

Yes I was a clown to take her after that I just can't describe why this girl had this hold on me, it still felt right and I was really convinced it was me and how much she wanted me and love me even though all her actions contradicted that!

 

Looking back with hindsight I was taken in and weak but I can't turn back time.

 

Karma has come back to me and I deserve it for being foolish and thinking she would not do the same to me but it could be a hell of a lot worse. I could have married her, had a mortgage, had a child with her ( something she wants and I don't apparently )

 

God help the man who has a child with her and the child!

 

I just hope karma will strike her again soon, it did last time, she nearly lost her family and did loose her best friend.

 

Did you know something was going on, did you have any contact? How did it pan out?

[21flames]

And I defiantly won't pursue a girl who is in any kind of relationship, cause I would know how I would feel as the other person when they found out or where dumped.

 

I would like to think I know how to spot this type of person again but to be fair all my friends and family did the first few months. I was just blinded!

[Sameold]

Mine was quite complex. Basically we both finished uni, lived at home for 18 months or so in same town and things seemed perfect...then we both got on graduate schemes for two big employers about 100 miles apart. She suggested we live halfway between so we moved in together but after 5 months or so there she became more and more obsessed with her graduate scheme, her new friends, the job etc and the commuting we both did certainly never helped either.

 

Between us I guess we stopped working on things as much as we needed to an extent but ultimately she never made me aware of any problems. I wanted to spend more time with her but it became increasingly difficult. But yeh basically she went on a holiday with some girlfriends (just a relaxing one they all had bfs) and then when she came back despite seemingly being happy to see me and going for a walk around the lake etc she one day just said it was over and gave loads of BS.

 

I went on to break in to her fb account and found some flirty messages to a guy on her grad scheme at work and I could see that whilst there was no physical cheating she had checked out of what we had before. Her intention was to move to the place she worked as the her grad scheme buddies lived there and ultimately thats what she went to do. She is now seeing this guy but to be honest he is just some average jo there. The main reason we split was due to her arrogance around her new job and the new friends/lifestyle she could have. Suddenly driving 50 miles each way was too much as she bottled it and went for an easy life. But yeh, 4 years, the girl I wanted to marry and my first love gone....

 

Anyway, yeh I spent a month digging around and like I say found reasoning to remove her off her pedestal. I tried to rebuild it but all my efforts were futile and once it had really clicked just how bad she treated me I went total nc, blocked on fb and we havnt spoken since for 6 months now. Doubt we will ever speak again. Sad story but I'm no mug, I am proud I tried to fix a 4 year relationship that meant the world to me but I would never take her back now anyway.

 

I'm sure you are feeling crap, but remember marriages, babies etc should only come with one women and should stay forever. This women is a loose cannon and has already been married once. She will go from guy to guy taking her peice and moving on.

[21flames]

In some respects are stories aren't too dissimilar apart from yours was quite a ld relationship, we lived together ( in each others pockets virtually which is never good )

 

But you say it was down to her new friends ( guy really ), job, ect

 

My ex has gone for someone who has a big house car money, like stability but he won't be getting that, he will get the crazy rollercoster ride I had and she will rinse his money!!

 

So in a way both being totally selfish and shallow and looking for what they believe is better.

 

This stability she craves is madness, she doesn't know her mind from one minute to the next, as soon as the sex or honeymoon period is over that will be it, he'll be in the eye of the storm.

 

Marriages and babies ideally should be with one person and be forever in an ideal word but we both know these days that's very rare. I just hope she doesn't bring a child into her messed up life of jumping from man to man.

 

Also I looked at an online definition of flakey and it sums her up to a tee!!

 

You also deserve praise for trying to fix something that ment so much to you and at least like you said she proved she is not future wife material.

[theLWord]

I'm sorry you have gone through this, it sounds really awful. I don't think you have to worry about her being happy and having a dream life with anyone else, though. She sounds like she needs attention from anyone willing to give it to her and uses guys for an ego and self esteem boost. She'll never find true happiness until she is alone for a long time and realizes what she does to other people with her lies, cheating, and manipulation.

 

And take it from me, even when they do break contact, it doesn't help your ego as much as you'd think. Even if I had answered my ex when she called and she said everything she was supposed to say, deep down I know she will never realize the things that she does or has to work on. Plus, we will never trust them anyway, especially after all they put us through now.

 

You are very lucky you didn't marry her or have kids with her. You should feel bad for the new guy.. he will get played the same and she will continue always looking for something better. Trust me, she WILL regret leaving a great guy like you, but does it matter now? Her loss. As far as the money thing goes, I was in the same situation and they only use it against you, like they are doing us such a favor, but I bet you still did way more for her than she did you. You just didn't throw it up in her face. Money is just money, and any person who thinks that it, or possessions will make them happier, is really ignorant. Try not to think about what she's doing anymore.

 

You'll find your happiness and then find a great girl who appreciates you, while she'll always be stuck in the same circle of crazy.

 

Keep it movin and don't break contact!

[21flames]

Thanks L word, that really struck a chord all you said.

 

Especially the money thing, we still had holidays every year, weekends away I would arrange, good food etc etc with help from my family.

 

She also forgets too easily, she lived with me at my parents rent free for a year and a half before we moved, also she broke her wrist and I cared for her for 6 months, helped wash dress her take her too hospital. My emotional support and still doing and giving nice things more than made up for the low wage I was bringing in. Material things are exactly that, they hold no love, maybe only to a shallow person.

 

I know a few people who forget too quickly there very selfish. self centered people,

 

Your right I'm already getting better and focusing on me and she will always be in that vicious circle because she must really dislike herself, is in denial and far too scared to ever be alone. Something will have to give years along the line, hopefully someone will walk on her.

[21flames]

What originally made be upset has now made me laugh because I have thought her final moving day is today....... Halloween.

 

She will be taking the Black cats we had, jumping on her broomstick and flying off to an other poor mans house to **** his life up! LOL

[KatZee]

They must also be very insecure not to face being alone and that they are not adult enough to put effort into a ltr and make it work.

 

Just want want want, take, take, take.........No give!!! or very little

 

Yup. Again, it's like you're talking about my ex. He went from a six year relationship and jumped right to me. Instead of being single and healing from that, he got into something with me that lasted almost three years, and before leaving me, he met someone at his new job and jumped right to that!

 

That "relationship" or whatever it was ended a while ago, it didn't even last one month before it exploded in his face. He actually texted me some horrible stuff the day he made it official with her. I looked at the calendar of events, and he finally told me to "lose his number" and "have a nice life, this is the last text I'll be sending you."

 

Really? After I loved him and stood by him through everything for almost three years that's what he tells me? To make a long story short I basically told him to go f.uck himself. That he was nothing to me but a bad memory and I regretted ever meeting him. (harsh, but all completely true for me.)

 

Not even a month later I find out that their "thing" was over, and she actually had deleted him and all his friends from her FB account. I would give ANYTHING to know what happened. I hope he feels stupid as s.hit. Telling the woman he apparently "loved" for almost three years to have a nice life, all with the comfort of knowing that he had a new girlfriend... and then woops! It's gone! HAHAHAHAHA stupid jerkoff. I hate him so much and I hope Karma continues wooping his a.ss.

 

He never tried to make it work with me. EVER. Even when we had small problems he never felt it necessary to do the work, or adjust his behavior, or try. It was always me. Always me that needed to change, and sacrifice. He took from me and took from me.

 

If you've ever read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein... that was me. The faithful tree, while the selfish, self-absorbed boy continues to take and take and take until that tree is nothing but a damn sad stump. At the end of my relationship, that's what I was. A hallow, short stump of what used to be something beautiful. I was tired. I had nothing left to give. I felt used up and abused. I lost myself. I felt like nothing. And still I would have given up everything for him.

 

I realized once he left how much brighter my life got. No more anxiety. No more sleepless nights. He was like a dark cloud hanging over my life and the second he was gone those clouds parted and the sun came out. I didn't realize how truly unhappy he made me, how much I had given of myself, and how much of myself I lost until he finally left.

 

The greatest gift he ever gave me, was finally leaving. He was a poison in my life.

[KatZee]

Past behaviour is the best predictor of the future...

 

You need to stop thinking about whether or not she will be happy with someone else as ultimately her behaviour is that of someone who is flaky and is able too easily let go of everything.

 

There is no way we are getting back together and I hate her for treating me so badly considering how much love I gave to her. Shes also proven she isnt emotionally mature enough and solid enough to be the women I want as my wife in the future.

 

Start thinking practically about what has happened, you will soon realise who has done wrong here and take consolation of the fact it probably wasn't you.

 

Also though, you make it sound like you started seeing this girl when she was with someone else so welcome to the world of karma. That's not being nasty but next time you start dating remember this pain and be careful not to throw your efforts to women that may have problems in their relationships and just see you as a way out.

 

This thread has been good for me as well. I read that book "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" and it turns out I was the fallback. The girl he ran to, to avoid all his problems. I realize I was the rebound, and in my case, I wasn't even aware he had a girlfriend when he was getting to know me, and when I found out, it was too late to just leave, I was so emotionally invested and I fell for all his cheap words.

 

It's good to know that he is truly flaky, emotionally immature, and unable to have a real and lasting mature relationship. Even if we were still together right now, and even if we had gotten back together, we'd still be in a relationship going NO WHERE. Never progressing, and it would just continue being a huge waste of my time.

 

I ultimately think that's one of the reasons he finally left too. It was almost 3 years with him. All of his friends are now engaged or married. That's exactly where we were heading and he knew I wanted it. He was a coward, and too scared to take it to that next level, and I think that's why he tried dating a girl SIX YEARS YOUNGER than myself the second we broke up. A girl who was in no way ready to be engaged or married, she was just going to be a good time. He'll never grow up and even if some woman does manage to get him to propose, I guarantee he'll be divorced and split before 5 years.

[KatZee]

She sounds like she needs attention from anyone willing to give it to her and uses guys for an ego and self esteem boost. She'll never find true happiness until she is alone for a long time and realizes what she does to other people with her lies, cheating, and manipulation.

 

deep down I know she will never realize the things that she does or has to work on. Plus, we will never trust them anyway, especially after all they put us through now.

 

You are very lucky you didn't marry her or have kids with her. You should feel bad for the new guy.. he will get played the same and she will continue always looking for something better. Trust me, she WILL regret leaving a great guy like you, but does it matter now? Her loss.

 

Yup. These are the exact reasons I know I will never talk to my ex again, nor would I ever get back with him. He's never been single in order to actually take a look at himself, and I know he will NEVER be single to do this unless he gets professional help. He has too many demons and he's too scared to be alone for long. He needs someone there to mask his true life from himself. It's very sad.

 

So I know he will never be this amazing boyfriend or husband. He'll always be flawed this way, which is sad again because I did see the potential in him to actually be a good person. He just continues to run, make continuously bad and wrong choice, and continues to hurt people in his life. And then he acts surprised when people hate him and want nothing to do with him.

 

Even if my ex did come back around, I would never trust him again. I'm not that stupid. He did me so wrong, and there is nothing on this earth he could ever do to regain my trust. Even if I put 110% effort in trying and he did the same, I would never trust him. I could never look at him the same way again. I see what he's capable of and he's done it to others, so there's no way I would allow him to pull this s.hit again.

[21flames]

Our stories are very similar Kat

 

Not sure about you but all through the 5 years I couldn't trust her, was always suspicious and all the other stuff that comes with it, it felt like a black cloud in the end and I drank heavily.

 

Just like you said, all are problems where me! She thought the sun shined out of her ass and I a thorn in her side.

 

She would cry and go wild telling me I don't love her like she dose me ( Must have been guilt because it's clear I was the one who loved more ). I got this a lot.

 

And you say about settling down and future you wanted. Mine way the other way round.

 

She gave me all this at the end, I apparently promised her everything and a future and gave her nothing, I don't want a future or babies.

 

Jesus, you have read how this women was with me over the years, why on earth would it feel right for me to have children with her.

 

It's not about that, it's about her boredom in the relationship and not wanting to make it work and having the new 'loved up feeling with someone else', I now wonder if that's all she had with me until the honeymoon stage ended, I certainly fell in love with her and I know that cause of how I have hurt since we split.

 

Why on earth she has this idea of a great guy with money a big house and car, that she can have children with, is beyond me, it will not change how Sh*t of a partner she is in a relationship!!

 

I too did see the potential in her to actually be a good person, you really want to believe it when they are good at times and that's why I think I stayed around so long but you are right they run away like the cowards they are, to mess someone else up.

 

 

Even if my ex did come back around, I would never trust him again. I'm not that stupid. He did me so wrong, and there is nothing on this earth he could ever do to regain my trust. Even if I put 110% effort in trying and he did the same, I would never trust him. I could never look at him the same way again. I see what he's capable of and he's done it to others, so there's no way I would allow him to pull this s.hit again.

 

 

I agree with this totally, she tried to ask me to work it out after I moved out while she was already in the process of leaving and still lying and denying, just shows how unstable she is. I said no way I could trust her.

 

And I know for a fact she would not give 110% even if she, she proved that twice before when I gave her chances, she's a taker, doesn't want to make effort, work through rough times.

 

A women with severe issues that I can only see getting worse and I doubt very much she will every get help and even after all I still feel sad about that cause genuinly cared and loved her while we where together

[21flames]

He actually texted me some horrible stuff the day he made it official with her. I looked at the calendar of events, and he finally told me to "lose his number" and "have a nice life, this is the last text I'll be sending you."

 

 

I'm glad I never had that, that's pure nasty after all you gave, how old was this guy 12?

[KatZee]

I'm glad I never had that, that's pure nasty after all you gave, how old was this guy 12?

 

You'd think, right? After almost three years, a year and a half of which I stayed by his side when he moved 450 miles away to go back to school, that's what I get. After almost three years of me being loving, caring, respectful, honest... I get cheated on. Lied to all the time. Played. Made a fool of. Thrown out like trash. He's actually 27 going on 12. What a joke, right?

[21flames]

You'd think, right? After almost three years, a year and a half of which I stayed by his side when he moved 450 miles away to go back to school, that's what I get. After almost three years of me being loving, caring, respectful, honest... I get cheated on. Lied to all the time. Played. Made a fool of. Thrown out like trash. He's actually 27 going on 12. What a joke, right?

 

 

Completely! 27, why did you stay with him for that long when he moved so far away if you couldn't trust him? Or do you mean you moved aswell?

 

My ex is 34 next year, going on 14, that is certainly how she acts in a relationship, really klingy, always wanting renascence and generally immature.

 

I just can't grasp why people do this but from these forums there seems to be a lot, does it stem back to childhood or something?

 

God knows why I care, I suppose it just leaves your trying to work out why they are like that, like being a psychologist.

 

When there are blind to how they treat people, I tries to tell her all this lots of times to try and make her see but they are so in denial it just doesn't go in.

[KatZee]

Completely! 27, why did you stay with him for that long when he moved so far away if you couldn't trust him? Or do you mean you moved aswell?

 

My ex is 34 next year, going on 14, that is certainly how she acts in a relationship, really klingy, always wanting renascence and generally immature.

 

I just can't grasp why people do this but from these forums there seems to be a lot, does it stem back to childhood or something?

 

God knows why I care, I suppose it just leaves your trying to work out why they are like that, like being a psychologist.

 

When there are blind to how they treat people, I tries to tell her all this lots of times to try and make her see but they are so in denial it just doesn't go in.

 

I was still living in fantasy land when he moved. He actually moved at our one year anniversary. I didn't find out the truth about him cheating, lying all the time, and he didn't start going down the crappy path he went down until we were at our 2+ year anniversary. Prior to that I thought things were amazing.

 

So when he moved I was like, "we'll get through it!" he was saying he was in it 100% and said, "Your patience will be greatly rewarded." To me that meant engagement and a step towards a future when he came home. He would drop hints of engagement that he wanted it and things were great to me.

 

Then at 2 years in he confessed to cheating on me, I pieced together the entire relationship and the whole thing became a complete lie to me. Everything we had been through and done was now a joke. When I thought we were great, he was f.ucking his ex. When we were on vacation, it was actually mere months after screwing his ex. When we would go places and his ex was there, he would talk to her right in my face. Hug her, go off to the side to talk to her and I thought things were fine. Come to find out he had cheated and was making me look stupid in front of everyone without me knowing.

 

Honestly, my ex was a mommy's boy. I say "was" because she passed on. That deeply affected him and I think that's why he's so screwed up. I think all his issues stem from that and instead of getting help or taking a look at himself, he puts the blame and points the finger at everyone else but himself.

[21flames]

I was still living in fantasy land when he moved. He actually moved at our one year anniversary. I didn't find out the truth about him cheating, lying all the time, and he didn't start going down the crappy path he went down until we were at our 2+ year anniversary. Prior to that I thought things were amazing.

 

So when he moved I was like, "we'll get through it!" he was saying he was in it 100% and said, "Your patience will be greatly rewarded." To me that meant engagement and a step towards a future when he came home. He would drop hints of engagement that he wanted it and things were great to me.

 

Then at 2 years in he confessed to cheating on me, I pieced together the entire relationship and the whole thing became a complete lie to me. Everything we had been through and done was now a joke. When I thought we were great, he was f.ucking his ex. When we were on vacation, it was actually mere months after screwing his ex. When we would go places and his ex was there, he would talk to her right in my face. Hug her, go off to the side to talk to her and I thought things were fine. Come to find out he had cheated and was making me look stupid in front of everyone without me knowing.

 

Honestly, my ex was a mommy's boy. I say "was" because she passed on. That deeply affected him and I think that's why he's so screwed up. I think all his issues stem from that and instead of getting help or taking a look at himself, he puts the blame and points the finger at everyone else but himself.

 

 

Jeeze it sounds like he really had you wrapped round his little finger and I suppose the same can be said for me as well.

 

He flaunted it in your face though, like he had no respect at all for you that's even worse!

 

It makes you look after woods and think how sucked in you where by somebody.

 

I don't know about you but all my friends and family clocked on to her from the start and kept telling me all the way through but I ignored them cause she was so manipulative and I believed her tears and wanting. It does fell like our whole relationship was a lie and I suppose it was based on lies to begin.

 

Like I was just someone to be with and take what she could until she got bored and lined somebody else up.

 

Then take the easy way out so she didn't have to be alone and deal with it and what she does.

[21flames]

"Your patience will be greatly rewarded."

 

That is just wrong that he said that, like you where an object to him, someone he didn't really care for, like an object he could keep hanging on.

 

He was really emotionally abusive to you, what an ass!

[KatZee]

"Your patience will be greatly rewarded."

 

That is just wrong that he said that, like you where an object to him, someone he didn't really care for, like an object he could keep hanging on.

 

He was really emotionally abusive to you, what an ass!

 

Yeah he became really emotionally abusive towards me at the end. And I actually confronted him with this the first time I saw it, and he actually like chuckled. He's like, "So you think I treat you like s.hit?" And I answered him honestly, I was like, "Yeah. At times you really do and you don't even see it."

 

At the end of the day it was always my behavior that was a problem. It was always the way I lived my life that was the problem. It was always the way I acted around his friends that was a problem.

 

He never stopped to take a look at himself and ask himself WHY I was acting or feeling a certain way (always because of him.)

 

For example: he would allow his friends to talk s.hit about me right in my face. Obviously he can't control his friends, but at least say something to them. Stand up for me. SOMETHING. But no. Instead of taking my side he actually told me that I wasn't trying hard enough to get them to like me. And that I wasn't bending over backwards far enough for them. And that I had to be "extra extra" nice to these people because they had been around in "the group" longer than I had and they were allowed to act the way they were acting (disrespectful, snotty, snobby, rude, obnoxious, loud, etc) and that I wasn't allowed to be anything but super super nice because I hadn't yet "earned the right" to act like a b.itch.

 

Keep in mind, I never acted like "a b.itch." I would just get shy because I never felt comfortable around those people. They made me feel like nothing, and not having the support of my boyfriend made it worse. I always dreaded going out with them.

 

He would tell me things like, "You need to change, or else..." The "or else" part being that he would dump me. He would always hold the relationship over my head b/c he knew I would have done anything for him so that's how he would emotionally abuse me and manipulate me into doing whatever he wanted.

 

He never cared about my feelings, it was all about how he looked around his friends, and how I enhanced his appearance to make him look like the greatest person on planet earth. If I ever deviated from that, he would ignore me for days, and then be like, "I don't want a girlfriend that acts like you..."

 

Everything and anything always came before me. His friends, his job, whatever he felt like doing. He was so self centered and selfish and I never saw it.

 

He would tell me how he wasn't happy and wasn't sure he wanted to be with me, and he would say all this horrible stuff about what a failure I was, made me feel like I wasn't ever good enough and then after he verbally vomited all over me he'd be like, "Oh but I love you and I don't want to throw what we have out."

 

He pulled this with me about 3 times and after the second time I just shut down. And it's why when he dumped me I honestly didn't care. I didn't cry, I just stared at him as he stood there "sobbing." I honestly don't even think he felt anything. They were probably crocodile tears but I just stared at him and then walked out of his house. That was the last time he ever saw me. He really destroyed me as a human being. Not for dumping me, but for the almost three years we were together, he just took everything possible from me. My identity, my personality... I was just a shell of nothing by the end of our relationship. Always trying to be this or that for him. Never being myself. UGH.

[21flames]

Heartbroken_xo

 

I have read your blog and have been through similar but you haven't given details about exactly what happened, how long you have been together etc.

 

The first few days and weeks are so hard but you can't give up, you need to look at the person you where before you got with him and try and get back to that person.

 

I understand your emotions are all over the place but it sounds like you have good friends round you that will listen and that is what you need right now, no they can't be there at night and that is the hardest part but it will get better, trust me.

 

Everything hit me at once, we broke up, my dog had to be out to sleep and my mum had a stroke all in 2 weeks after we split and it was really testing and hard but these things in life are there to test you and I am in a better place now.

 

Don't beat yourself up or loose hope

[21flames]

Yeah he became really emotionally abusive towards me at the end. And I actually confronted him with this the first time I saw it, and he actually like chuckled. He's like, "So you think I treat you like s.hit?" And I answered him honestly, I was like, "Yeah. At times you really do and you don't even see it."

 

At the end of the day it was always my behavior that was a problem. It was always the way I lived my life that was the problem. It was always the way I acted around his friends that was a problem.

 

He never stopped to take a look at himself and ask himself WHY I was acting or feeling a certain way (always because of him.)

 

For example: he would allow his friends to talk s.hit about me right in my face. Obviously he can't control his friends, but at least say something to them. Stand up for me. SOMETHING. But no. Instead of taking my side he actually told me that I wasn't trying hard enough to get them to like me. And that I wasn't bending over backwards far enough for them. And that I had to be "extra extra" nice to these people because they had been around in "the group" longer than I had and they were allowed to act the way they were acting (disrespectful, snotty, snobby, rude, obnoxious, loud, etc) and that I wasn't allowed to be anything but super super nice because I hadn't yet "earned the right" to act like a b.itch.

 

Keep in mind, I never acted like "a b.itch." I would just get shy because I never felt comfortable around those people. They made me feel like nothing, and not having the support of my boyfriend made it worse. I always dreaded going out with them.

 

He would tell me things like, "You need to change, or else..." The "or else" part being that he would dump me. He would always hold the relationship over my head b/c he knew I would have done anything for him so that's how he would emotionally abuse me and manipulate me into doing whatever he wanted.

 

He never cared about my feelings, it was all about how he looked around his friends, and how I enhanced his appearance to make him look like the greatest person on planet earth. If I ever deviated from that, he would ignore me for days, and then be like, "I don't want a girlfriend that acts like you..."

 

Everything and anything always came before me. His friends, his job, whatever he felt like doing. He was so self centered and selfish and I never saw it.

 

He would tell me how he wasn't happy and wasn't sure he wanted to be with me, and he would say all this horrible stuff about what a failure I was, made me feel like I wasn't ever good enough and then after he verbally vomited all over me he'd be like, "Oh but I love you and I don't want to throw what we have out."

 

He pulled this with me about 3 times and after the second time I just shut down. And it's why when he dumped me I honestly didn't care. I didn't cry, I just stared at him as he stood there "sobbing." I honestly don't even think he felt anything. They were probably crocodile tears but I just stared at him and then walked out of his house. That was the last time he ever saw me. He really destroyed me as a human being. Not for dumping me, but for the almost three years we were together, he just took everything possible from me. My identity, my personality... I was just a shell of nothing by the end of our relationship. Always trying to be this or that for him. Never being myself. UGH.

 

All that is just terrible, did he ever hit you etc, regardless if he did or not, all that emotional abuse and controlling was bad enough.

 

No women should every have been put through that!

 

Like you said the best thing he gave you was letting you go, because you no longer have to deal with that and have to try and be someone he wanted you to be.

 

A man like this will end up very lonely with nothing and his friends probably will too!

 

You sound like a very strong, intelligent women and you are dealing with it all very well.

 

You will meet someone that will give everything you give and never treat you like this.

[KatZee]

All that is just terrible, did he ever hit you etc, regardless if he did or not, all that emotional abuse and controlling was bad enough.

 

No women should every have been put through that!

 

Like you said the best thing he gave you was letting you go, because you no longer have to deal with that and have to try and be someone he wanted you to be.

 

A man like this will end up very lonely with nothing and his friends probably will too!

 

You sound like a very strong, intelligent women and you are dealing with it all very well.

 

You will meet someone that will give everything you give and never treat you like this.

 

No he never hit me at all. He was by nature a very gentle person, and in the beginning his actions and personality really showed this... but then his behaviors started to shift, and the real person started to come through. I think he is the way he is because he's in a lot of pain. And instead of actually confronting it and getting through it, he bottles everything up, and he winds up treating people poorly.

 

I think he's either too immature to see he has a real problem, or too proud, or too much of a coward to admit he has a problem. So at the end of the day he will never be truly happy, he expects that someone will make him happy but doesn't seem to understand that he has to be happy with himself first.

 

I just know that it was never about me. It was always him, and it always will be him. He will never find the happiness he's looking for until he finds it within himself, and I doubt he ever will. He used to tell me all the time that he has a lot of "demons" and I never understood what he meant. Now I get it. As much as I hate him, I actually feel sorry for him, and I think one day that hate will just be replaced with feeling so incredibly bad for him. Knowing he's so lost in the world. I know one day I'll meet the guy I'm meant to be with in a marriage, and I will progress into an adult mature relationship and I will get engaged and married and have kids, and my life will always be a progression. He will always remain in the same stagnant place.