fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I've posted on and been on these boards for a few years through different break-ups and tried to help other people as well. I'm going through a situation now where I can pretty much guess what all the experienced posters are going to say now, but I still would like someone to listen if that makes sense. "Ex" and I have been seeing each other for about 8 months, and up until yesterday we worked together. I've never met someone that it's so easy with, everything in general is just easy. I like that, its a nice change of pace. Anyway, her ex and herself have been split up for over a year, they have a daughter together so occasionally still had to make contact to let him see her and things. He didn't want anything to do with her until he found out we were 'officially' dating. Then all hell broke loose. He came to her house and proposed to her with some cheap costume jewelry. Obviously, she said no that they were over and she wanted to see where things were going to go with me. Over the next week or so he was relentless with the calling, texting, showing up at her house unannounced, sending her flowers to our work (which she would just throw away). She is not a very assertive person, so although she was saying to leave her alone and to stop with everything this guy just wouldnt take the hint. So now she is saying that she is confused because she thinks she should just be with him because she is 'used to him' and things would just be easier. Even though she wont let him touch her or anything because when they were together he cheated on her more times than you can count, was emotionally abusive, etc. He is controlling every move she makes. I've offered to take care of everything if she will just back me on the situation but I can understand that she is scared of losing her daughter or having to do shared custody. She knows I am the one she wants, but she doesnt know how to get out of the relationship. I am trying to help, but I can understand that she is scared. Any suggestions guys? Anyone in a similar situation?
a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Blimey that's rough! Sit her down, just the two of you and talk. Lay down your cards and say how it is. Tell her you will support her through all this, but she needs to make a decision. She should make the decision based n what she wants, not what is easier. Hope someone can help better then me, as I really am stumped as what to say.
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks A.b. I've been sitting down and talking with her. She making herself sick over it, literally. I want to help so badly because I know I am the one she wants, but he really is crazy. She came over last night with her daughter and stayed for like 45 min to talk and just let me see the little one. It was good to see her but at the same time it really hurt, ya know? She texted me after she left saying she knows that is what she wants. But she said she won't tease me like that anymore and will leave me alone for a while, so she can really think about what it is she wants and how she is going to go about it. I suppose that is all I can ask for at this point. It really sucks, We were planning a trip to the mountains next month (she had never been), and I was going to propose to her.
a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 No prob, stick around there are some wise old heads in here hopefully this thread catches one of their eyses. I'm not really sure what to tell you, as i'd probably advise you to do the wrong thing. All 'll say is don't live life with regrets and what if's. I have too many of those moments in my life and they don't feel good. She'd do well to do the same.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 You're absolutely right that he's controlling her even now. She's acting out of the fear that she could lose her daughter, that's pretty extreme considering, I'm assuming she has full custody now? Why would it be logically possible that she lose the custody she has now? You said, in other terms, that she lacks a backbone, so it's no wonder she's bowing down to his aggressive behaviour, to make things "easier". Maybe the discussion should be more about empowering her to stand up to him rather than letting you take care of the situation? Because it stills leaves her powerless if you take over, and she will still be confused about everything. I'm not a parent but I do know parents who would go to any end for their kids. However, I was in a controlling/abusive relationship in my past and the only way I was able to not repeat the pattern was to change myself, build my confidence and have a zero tolerance policy to any type of aggression or controlling behaviour. She needs to do something or else she'll teach her kid some pretty bad lessons. I don't know that you have much control over this situation sadly, except through supporting her decisions and actions...it's all on her. Just my opinion though. 1
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I have tried telling/showing her that I would support her. I've tried telling her how and to be strong and courageous. I know it all comes down to her at this point, but everything is so good with us, I just wish there was something I could do. Currently there is no custody agreement. She has her daughter 24/7 unless the 'father' wants her which is rare. I can understand not wanting to break apart the 'family' for the daughter, but at the same time, she needs to think about what is going to be best for them both in the future, wouldnt you think? What's going to be stable. If she is not happy the the little one will sense it. Just my opinion.
a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I have tried telling/showing her that I would support her. I've tried telling her how and to be strong and courageous. I know it all comes down to her at this point, but everything is so good with us, I just wish there was something I could do. Currently there is no custody agreement. She has her daughter 24/7 unless the 'father' wants her which is rare. I can understand not wanting to break apart the 'family' for the daughter, but at the same time, she needs to think about what is going to be best for them both in the future, wouldnt you think? What's going to be stable. If she is not happy the the little one will sense it. Just my opinion. You are absolutely right. As for what you should do? I don't know. River rain makes some good points.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I have tried telling/showing her that I would support her. I've tried telling her how and to be strong and courageous. I know it all comes down to her at this point, but everything is so good with us, I just wish there was something I could do. Currently there is no custody agreement. She has her daughter 24/7 unless the 'father' wants her which is rare. I can understand not wanting to break apart the 'family' for the daughter, but at the same time, she needs to think about what is going to be best for them both in the future, wouldnt you think? What's going to be stable. If she is not happy the the little one will sense it. Just my opinion. I guess that's my point, you can't really do much more than you already have. A lot of women who've been in abusive situations will go back to what was desperately familiar to them because that's ingrained into their self-esteem, that this is what they deserve. They are blinded to what could be so much better for them. You see it all the time, women wanting to go back to the abusive ex and vice versa. I mean, I don't know her, but from what you're describing, it sounds like her self-esteem is still wrapped around this guy's finger. I agree she SHOULD do what would be best for her and her daughter and that would be to make sure this guy stays only in the daddy role. I hope you can get through to her though.
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I know she said she wouldn't bother/tease me again until she really thought about what she is going to do. But I can't decide if I should try to text her or just wait and see what she does. If I do text her and he happens to be around, I'm sure he will make her say whatever he wants. So I'm really at a loss..
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I know she said she wouldn't bother/tease me again until she really thought about what she is going to do. But I can't decide if I should try to text her or just wait and see what she does. If I do text her and he happens to be around, I'm sure he will make her say whatever he wants. So I'm really at a loss.. Forget the texting, it's too sterile. You need to actually speak with her. I don't think it's a bad thing to check up on her, just give her a call. You obviously love her, it wouldn't hurt to remind her of that too.
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Well, its only been about 12 hrs since we last saw each other and talked. Although we couldn't really do much talking with the daughter there, I mostly played with her. So maybe I should give it at least the rest of today to try and reach out for communication.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 If it were me, I'd call just to see how she's doing, unless she specifically told you not to?
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 She didn't say not to. But I feel like me asking her to not tease me like that, and then going back on it basically by contacting her is kind of counter-productive. Maybe I'm wrong.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 It could backfire because she's probably feeling so helpless right now...but I really don't think anyone should settle for being a back up...maybe it's too soon to tell her not to tease you and string you along...but I don't think it's too soon just to call to say hi and how are you doing.
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I know she's not trying to string me along, and maybe telling her the word tease wasnt the best choice. It just hurt having everything I want in the same house as me and then just watching them go. Her kissing me and telling me she loved me. And the daughter jumping in my lap asking if I could come home with them. I just cant handle that right now. I know she's hurting and scared, but it's hurting me too, ya know?
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Trust me, I know. If you're willing to wait and see, then the best thing to do is keep busy and distract yourself if you don't think checking up on her is a good idea. In her situation, she needs to find her own courage. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Author fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Still waiting. Still debating on whether or not I should call/text her.
Author fiser360 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Guess it doesnt matter anymore. a friend just texted me and said that shes Engaged on Facebook now. Wow. Ive never been so crushed.
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