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Messy situation!

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 20th October 2012, 7:47 PM   #1
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Messy situation!

Okay well short story, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. It was her decision. To put you in the context, we were dating for 7 months. She has been 10 years with her ex (I was her second boyfriend) and I've been 6 years with mine. We started dating way too fast but she jumped on me first after the 3rd date! I met her parents when we spent 3 weeks in the maritime and it was great! I had a good relationship with them and I really miss them.

Since we argued a lot by email because she don't want to talk about it face to face or by phone and we tried to see each other as friends and everything was fine for me, I was really chill and didn't talk about our common past but she said it was awkward for her. She gave me a ****load of different reasons, some that I know are bull**** because I know what were my mistakes and what weren't.

What I know is that things were going way too fast and I agree with that. But what really hurts is that few days ago, a friend of mine told me she gave him her phone number right after the break up. She pretend not to be interested in him and that it has nothing to do with the break up but she's been honest telling me she finds him really cute since she met him. Anyway, he is not interested and never called or texted her back so I'm not worried.

She removed me from Facebook 3 days ago. Last thursday I emailed her saying that we shouldn't communicate for a few days and take a break from each other even as friends to let the dust settle. Since, she is stalking me on Facebook about more than 10 times a day and always check her emails to see if I sent one. I know that because her best friend told me that and she's a bit worried. So am I. All that stuff doesn't make any sense.

So anyway, I think she pretends to be independent but she's not and she feels alone. She only have two friends, we used to get out a lot together and have fun together and now that we don't see each others she might start to regret it.

I was just wondering what should I do. Wait a few days before calling her or calling her right away to say Hi and keep in touch? The second option scares me because she might try to play the independence card again.

Anyway, I need advices from men and ladies. This is a really ****ed up situation and I really love that girl and hope to get her back but not right now because I still have a lot of work to do on myself. But I want to be around for her.


PS: sorry for the english I'm french-canadian.
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Old 20th October 2012, 8:43 PM   #2
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You need to decide what you want, and you can't have it all. Some of what you want is mutually exclusive: you want to be with her, but maybe not before you have worked on yourself, and you want distance, but you always want be there for her. You can't have all of that, so the first step is to decide what you really want and then ask yourself how to go about achieving it. There will be sacrifices, it's not do-able without letting something go.

If you want to be with her (note that that is different from "I want what I had with my ex and miss the situation rather than the person"), then you call her up and tell her that you love her and ask her if she'd like to continue the relationship with you. This is a question that requires a "yes" or "no" answer. Don't settle for anything like, "maybe", "don't know right now", "I'm so confused", "Uh ..." (followed by you quickly changing the topic) and so on.

Clarity is greatly undervalued in these situations. Half the time, people don't actually want to make a decision, but making a decision is the most important thing here.

When I read your post, I got the vibe that there is a hefty amount of compulsive behavior and obsession present in your relationship situation. I did wonder if both of you are rebounding and that unresolved issues from your past relationships (both hers and yours) play a prominent role in what's going on. Did both of you spend enough time being single after your previous relationships ended? How long?
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Old 20th October 2012, 8:56 PM   #3
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Thanks for your answer. It really helps. But I think I'm going to wait before calling her and ask her the question because you're right, I need to figure out what I really want.

I spend 7 months single, 4 months in her case. We're obviously rebounds but at the same time I know there is something between us that is more than friendship. She knows it too. This is why I said I cannot be in a relationship yet even if she would like to come back (she might not). But yea, you're right. There's a lot of things from our past that we need to fix.

So all of this is really confusing.
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