JSJS Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 This is a word of warning for those who are tempted to break NC. If you are trying to heal by doing NC then stick to it no matter how hard it gets - breaking it will only undo all your good work so far. I work with my ex and we split on bad terms after she had repeatedly treated me like crap. We sometimes have to work closely and it has been cold, horrible and often tense. Even though it was like this I was doing my version of NC (or LC) and it was working for me until recently when we had a blazing row at work which led to both of us sending angry text messages. This type of thing could jeopardise both our jobs and I decided to have a chat with her to sort things out and see could we get past the tension. At this point she told me she blames me for all the issues we had and that she has a new boyfriend. She then listed all my issues and told me how he was laughing at my text messagess. I didn't take this well at all well and things ended unpleasantly with more text messages. I know for sure now that I'm better off without her but I still have the same problems. I genuinely don't know what to do now but I'm back at the place I was weeks ago. Maybe I'll have a better go this time around but would appreciate any advice.
a.b Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 She sounds angry and unpleasant, but maybe that is unfair cause I don't know the whole story. Just go back to wht you were doing, don't get pulled into another argument, wont do either any good. I'm now 5 days into no contact! It's soooo tough so it must be even harder when you are seeing them at work. Stay strong pal. 1
Jack32 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 It sounds like she is saying things to spite you and upset you on purpose. Perhaps she doesn't have a new boyfriend and is just saying things to get under your skin. Even if she does I doubt she actually read them out loud to him etc. Try to be the bigger person and just ignore her behavior and act like it doesn't bother you, that will probably drive her crazy anyway. 1
Author JSJS Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 She sounds angry and unpleasant, but maybe that is unfair cause I don't know the whole story. Just go back to wht you were doing, don't get pulled into another argument, wont do either any good. I'm now 5 days into no contact! It's soooo tough so it must be even harder when you are seeing them at work. Stay strong pal. Thanks - her nastiness knows no bounds it seems but most people don't see that side, it took me a while. I don't like the tension at all but I'd choose it every time over now her calculated insults. She knew exactly what would annoy me and went for it in a very calm fashion. The big problem is that I can see this cycle repeating now and I'm even more annoyed and humiliated than I was previously. I feel like I don't have any control of this situation at all and I'm not sure what to do.
River Rain Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 The only advice I can give you is be strong, no contact. She may be saying these things out of bitterness, sounds like it. Don't give her any fodder. And never engage in conversation, even if she starts it. Well, you have to work together, but you know, personally. Yes, you're now back at day one...I'm sorry, I know how that hurts! I was back at day one a bunch of times, now I'm day....12, wow I had to count on the calendar, I'm proof that it gets better with time. I've made it my mission to move on. I actively went out and met new people, I'm keeping busy, distracting myself and feel pretty good. If you can take on an attitude that life is too short to waste grieving for lost love, then maybe it'll make things easier? I know it's easier said than done, but that's what I'm doing, and I've already met someone and feeling restored and myself again. What's his name means nothing to me now. You can do it! Be strong!!! Take care of yourself and remember carpe diem! I'm your cheerleader, lol! 2
a.b Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks - her nastiness knows no bounds it seems but most people don't see that side, it took me a while. I don't like the tension at all but I'd choose it every time over now her calculated insults. She knew exactly what would annoy me and went for it in a very calm fashion. The big problem is that I can see this cycle repeating now and I'm even more annoyed and humiliated than I was previously. I feel like I don't have any control of this situation at all and I'm not sure what to do. If she keeps it up take her to one side and make it very clear you want her to leave you alone and you don't ant to talk to her anymore, see what happens.... 1
Author JSJS Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 It sounds like she is saying things to spite you and upset you on purpose. Perhaps she doesn't have a new boyfriend and is just saying things to get under your skin. Even if she does I doubt she actually read them out loud to him etc. Try to be the bigger person and just ignore her behavior and act like it doesn't bother you, that will probably drive her crazy anyway. I'm sure she does have one - I can't rule out that we didn't overlap... Towards the end she was distant and cold and treating me like dirt. Reading them is exactly the type of thing she would do and I guessed she would have to confide in someone. It's just to have broken NC and hear these things confirmed is worse than not knowing. I could kick myself but will treat it as a life lesson. I'll have to try harder but I'm ignoring her from now on. I was trying to be pleasant by speaking when we met but I'm past it all now.
Author JSJS Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 The only advice I can give you is be strong, no contact. She may be saying these things out of bitterness, sounds like it. Don't give her any fodder. And never engage in conversation, even if she starts it. Well, you have to work together, but you know, personally. Yes, you're now back at day one...I'm sorry, I know how that hurts! I was back at day one a bunch of times, now I'm day....12, wow I had to count on the calendar, I'm proof that it gets better with time. I've made it my mission to move on. I actively went out and met new people, I'm keeping busy, distracting myself and feel pretty good. If you can take on an attitude that life is too short to waste grieving for lost love, then maybe it'll make things easier? I know it's easier said than done, but that's what I'm doing, and I've already met someone and feeling restored and myself again. What's his name means nothing to me now. You can do it! Be strong!!! Take care of yourself and remember carpe diem! I'm your cheerleader, lol! Thanks Rain - it's awful to be back at day 1. It might be bitterness and trying to hurt me. I don't know why I'm shocked since it is typical of her but it was a horrible discussion. I'm glad you are moving on and you have met someone else - that's great news. I thought I was doing ok but this rocked me and I feel terrible again. Knowing my luck I'll see her first thing tomorrow at work and that's the bit I dread. I'll think of the hurt every time...
River Rain Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks Rain - it's awful to be back at day 1. It might be bitterness and trying to hurt me. I don't know why I'm shocked since it is typical of her but it was a horrible discussion. I'm glad you are moving on and you have met someone else - that's great news. I thought I was doing ok but this rocked me and I feel terrible again. Knowing my luck I'll see her first thing tomorrow at work and that's the bit I dread. I'll think of the hurt every time... I can't even imagine seeing the ex at work, honestly...I mean, it's easy for me to tell you what has worked for me, but he lives on the Pacific Coast of Canada and I'm near Montreal...lots of distance. I know that makes it a lot easier...gosh maybe you need to take some vacation time or something...just 2 weeks to get yourself back to a place of strength? 1
Author JSJS Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 I can't even imagine seeing the ex at work, honestly...I mean, it's easy for me to tell you what has worked for me, but he lives on the Pacific Coast of Canada and I'm near Montreal...lots of distance. I know that makes it a lot easier...gosh maybe you need to take some vacation time or something...just 2 weeks to get yourself back to a place of strength? That's a good idea - I've never felt like running from anything before but maybe it's time to regroup and recover. In my heart I'll know the problem will still be there but maybe I'll be more ready for it! 1
River Rain Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 That's a good idea - I've never felt like running from anything before but maybe it's time to regroup and recover. In my heart I'll know the problem will still be there but maybe I'll be more ready for it! NOT running...healing and strengthening. Yes, she'll still be there regardless, but if you can take some time off, relax, maybe a harmless fling?...you'll be back ready for absolute NC with regards to your personal (former) relationship with her. I'd even say get a new job, but I know that could be unrealistic. Be kind to you and take care of yourself. She's not worth your kindness and your love. Remember who you are and make an effort to let go of those who don't. 1
Author JSJS Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks Rain - I don't want to change but her scathing words have been ringing in my ears and playing on my mind. I always let criticism get to me and will beat myself up after I hear it. I will take some time off as soon as I can and just be strong until then.
River Rain Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks Rain - I don't want to change but her scathing words have been ringing in my ears and playing on my mind. I always let criticism get to me and will beat myself up after I hear it. I will take some time off as soon as I can and just be strong until then. My ex was passive aggressive and he knew what to say to hurt me, he knew what to do. It still hurts, but when I think of the things he said (or didn't), then I force myself to think of something different...get myself out of that mind frame because it serves no purpose right? As silly as this sounds...I often repeat the children's rhyme: Sticks and stones May break my bones But names will never hurt me. Good luck, you can be strong and overcome this because you know who you are, and you deserve happiness and love. 1
Author JSJS Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks Rain and everyone else - your kind words have made me feel better for now. I'm going to try and be strong and even though it's unlike me I'm going to ignore her and cut her out of my life as best I can. I didn't deserve the treatment I got from her. 1
Calico Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks Rain - I don't want to change but her scathing words have been ringing in my ears and playing on my mind. I always let criticism get to me and will beat myself up after I hear it. What she did to you isn't criticism. It's a deliberate, calculate action to hurt you, in the full knowledge of what it would do to you. It is an attack. She knows you, and she knew exactly how to hit home. She wants you to feel this way, so consider not letting her have that. Feel differently! Look at it from this perspective. And I don't mean, "Yeah, I know, but ...", I mean, REALLY look at it from that perspective until you see the malicious blow aimed at your heart for what it really is, and not for a helping hand trying to improve your life by sharing an uncomfortable truth with you -- and then you break its power over you. I will take some time off as soon as I can and just be strong until then. Try being soft instead and let it wash over you. Strong things break, and usually they are dead. Soft things adjust, and usually they are very alive. 1
Author JSJS Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks Calico - I never thought of it that way. She does know me well and would have known exactly what to say to hurt me. I'm physically big and strong and often people wouldn't assume I am sensitive but I am like everyone else. I genuinely don't think anyone ever set out to hurt me in this way before and I felt physically sick afterwards and weak at the knees. Stupid I know but I couldn't help it. As for staying strong - maybe soft is the best option. I have never dealt with someone as mean and calculating as this before and it just feels out of control. Is there anything else I can do?
Calico Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Is there anything else I can do? Chewing on this new way of looking at her actions and the motivations behind them is plenty of work and will keep you busy for a while! Perhaps look for other incidents in your relationship where you may not have recognized manipulative actions to trigger specific reactions and emotions in you. It's an interesting "game" to play, I find. When you start seeing why people do what they do, and how much of it is really about them trying to control you (like a mother who beats up her child screaming, "But don't you know I love you!!!"), you re-gain a lot of power over yourself and take it away from them. Like so much, it's a deliberate mental effort and hard work. (And you always have the choice to not feel how they want you to feel. In "A Stroke of Insight", the author talks about how feelings only ever last 90 seconds. If they last longer, you fuel them with thought. Great book, by the way.) In general, and that may not work for everyone, I get by far the best benefit out of working on "acceptance", chiefly, accepting change and realizing why it's not a terrible thing even when seemingly terrible things happen. I like Pema Chödrön's talks and books. I don't agree with everything she says and I'm not actually Buddhist (I think), but much resonates and helps me relax more into all the crap that's going on. Her newest book, "Living Beautifully" dragged me out of some dark places that I wandered at the beginning of the week. I'd recommend it, if only for a different perspective. 1
sendme Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I agree with rain... My ex and I had tried NC previously and made it 9 days before I caved and I was worse then you I caved and went completely back to him!!! But this time I went NC and then went on vacation with friends... And an amazing time was gone for 9 days and came back not gonna lie the first day back was killer!! But each day is slightly better from 8:30-11 is usually hard because I'm lonely... But here's to staying strong and remembering that we're worth staying strong and staying nc!! It will get better! 1
Author JSJS Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Chewing on this new way of looking at her actions and the motivations behind them is plenty of work and will keep you busy for a while! Perhaps look for other incidents in your relationship where you may not have recognized manipulative actions to trigger specific reactions and emotions in you. It's an interesting "game" to play, I find. When you start seeing why people do what they do, and how much of it is really about them trying to control you (like a mother who beats up her child screaming, "But don't you know I love you!!!"), you re-gain a lot of power over yourself and take it away from them. Like so much, it's a deliberate mental effort and hard work. (And you always have the choice to not feel how they want you to feel. In "A Stroke of Insight", the author talks about how feelings only ever last 90 seconds. If they last longer, you fuel them with thought. Great book, by the way.) In general, and that may not work for everyone, I get by far the best benefit out of working on "acceptance", chiefly, accepting change and realizing why it's not a terrible thing even when seemingly terrible things happen. I like Pema Chödrön's talks and books. I don't agree with everything she says and I'm not actually Buddhist (I think), but much resonates and helps me relax more into all the crap that's going on. Her newest book, "Living Beautifully" dragged me out of some dark places that I wandered at the beginning of the week. I'd recommend it, if only for a different perspective. You are very insightful! She didn't need to say these things I know - we were talking about trying to ease things at work. I know now they were all precisely aimed at me for maximum effect. The bit about laughing at my texts was particularly annoying and she would have known that. I guess I need to stay in control more and think about why others do things. There were other examples when I think about it - it just depresses me to dwell on it. It all feels like a big waste of time and energy...
Author JSJS Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 I've had some sleep - not much but it helps. I can see her spitefulness for what it was and I'm going to cut her out for good this time. I'll live with the tension at work any day over going through a character assassination again and hearing tales of new, better guys. I guess I should take away some positives from the encounter we had. - If she has already moved on I can't have meant much to her so I know we had no future - I already know she is dating someone else so don't need to relive that again - I see her now as the manipulative, calculating person she really is Any others?
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