Still trying to find my closure, any idea?

[JayL]

I've posted about this before, we managed to fix things that worked for another week or two, but now, it really is over...

 

I was with her for 6 to 7 weeks.

 

Here's my story...

 

Monday, I picked her up at the mall, went for coffee to chat a little, which decided that we wanted to see each other again.

 

 

Friday, was our official first date, where her and I had fun and in the end of the date, she asked “where do you see us going?” I said that I don’t know how that well yet, but so far so good and if things keep going towards the positive side, then I do see us going somewhere. We ended that night with a kiss. This was the first week of us agreeing not to see anyone else as we both are not the type to date around.

 

 

Sunday, week 1, we went to the park, walked around and talked. We went to Starbucks and sat at the patio, one of my friends passed by, I smiled, said hi and asked if it was okay to join us, so I looked at her and she smiled and said “I’d like to get to know your friends better”.

 

 

Week 1, mid week, I could not remember the day, she messaged that she wasn’t feeling well, so I said I’d bring her soup, but she wanted to go for dinner with me and grab soup together, so I picked her up, had porridge together and dropped her off home.

 

 

Week 1 Saturday, I asked if she wanted to do anything, she said she’s busy, so I said okay, I’ll see you next time. Although, that day, I felt that something was wrong as she normally would message me something throughout the day, but that day, nothing. I asked her if something is up as I have this gut feeling that something is bothering her. She said we were going too fast, that she doesn't know what she wants, that she's not sure if she wants a relationship, so we met up and talked. That night, she kissed me before I left and said "I'll think about it".

 

 

Week 2, Tuesday, she asked if I wanted to have dinner, so we did, then we walked around her neighbourhood, we ended that night with a hug, no kiss.

 

 

Week 2, Thursday, she messaged and asked what I was doing after work, I said nothing, then I said I was hungry and going for dinner and asked if she had eaten yet, she said no, so we went for dinner. Ended that night with no kiss again and just hug.

 

 

Week 2, Friday, she was at a party, but around 11 pm she messaged and asked if I was doing anything, I said I was staying in because I was tired, then I asked what’s up? She said she was wondering if I wanted to hang out, so I said sure, you can come over.

That night, we had a talk, we got sexual, we became official bf/gf. She stayed at my place til Sat. morning then she went home.

 

 

Week 3, Sunday, Her and I planned to have lunch the night prior, her mother wanted to meet me, so her mother joined us, so did her brother. I did not mind as I wanted to get to know her family as well. Things were great.

 

 

Week 3, mid week, She messaged me and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner, her mother was inviting me, so I did come over.

 

 

Week 3, Saturday, I asked if she wanted to see a movie, so we went to see a movie together and had dinner, then dropped her off home.

 

 

Week 4, Sunday, she messaged me in the morning and said she will go to her cousin’s to babysit her niece, so I said okay, have fun. Few minutes later, she asked “are you busy?” , I said no, I want to relax, it’s Sunday. Then she asked if I wanted to go with her, so I said sure, I’m just sitting around being lazy at home anyway.

That night, I met her close cousin who unfortunately slipped her tongue about my ex-girlfriend’s past that she lied about. I got upset, but that didn’t last and I told her it’s okay, past is past, but I do hope that she will be honest next time and not lie. PS It’s about her being single for 5 years and she was, except I did not know that she had F buddies left, right and centre within those 5 years and she even slept with a random dude she met on her vacation last year in the Bahamas.

I let that all go, part of her past, nothing I can do but accept it, so I did. What bothered me is her past actions show the kind of girl she is, but I just trusted her.

 

Week 4, mid week, I came over just to spend time together, watch TV. The whole time, she was on her phone with the big grin on her face while reading a text message from a guy “friend” in front of me, I did not care. I got annoyed when it felt like her entire attention was on her phone and as if I did not exist, she was sitting on the other side of the couch. We settled the mini argument and things were good. Sometime during the argument, she admitted that she’s only 50% into the relationship, that's she's still not sure.

 

 

Week 5, mid week, we just went for a walk. I discovered that none of her friends knew I existed, except for 3. I said that’s fine if you’re not ready yet, I understand.

 

 

Week 5, Friday, I had to use my vacation day and she was off from work, so we spent the whole day together. During lunch, she randomly said “I saw my ex-boyfriend’s brother and it affected me”, I did not know what to say and asked her “if that will affect us, then maybe you’re not ready for a relationship. (Note : Her ex boyfriend was with her since she was 15 until she turned 20, they broke up when he cheated on her twice, she attempted to get back with him even after the fact that her ex knocked another girl up. She is 25 now, which is 5 years after their break up and she’s still affected. I am 26.) She said no, it won’t affect us. Later that day, we were cooking and she was turning on the oven and she commented "I remember me and my ex trying to turn this on and we couldn't". I ignored that comment as I did not want to start another fight.

 

 

Week 5, Saturday, it was a friend’s birthday and I brought her along, things were great. But she said a lot of things that day that bothered me, she always compared everything we did to when she was still with her ex. Again, I ignored all of it, as I did not want to start a fight.

 

 

Week 6, Sunday, I called and said I'll be busy the entire week and I could only see her that day and asked if she wanted to hang out, she acted as if she doesn't care if she won't see me the entire week, so I got a little annoyed and our conversation drifted to the topic that she always talks about her ex and compares. We argued, she said she needs time, so I gave her space.

 

 

Week 6, Wednesday, we talked again, she invited me over, she admitted that she’s been unsure the whole time we were together, that she’s only been 50% into it. I walked away, tears started falling out of my eyes and I could not stop it, I don’t know why. I was starting to fall for her, perhaps?

We communicated but I kept my distance.

 

 

Week 6, Thursday, I messaged her and told her I wanted to end it. She rushed to my place, she cried and said she wants to try it because she knows there could be something. I felt bad and I saw that she was genuine… or maybe I thought she was, so I agreed. Then she proceeded on explaining why she's so distant, because her ex hurt her 5 years ago, and she started crying again. I hugged her and told her " I'm here for you now, I won't hurt you...".

 

 

Week 7, Monday, we planned to do something, but she spent her entire day with friends first, which was fine with me. 5 to 6 pm, I got a message from her and told me to come over. When I came, her music was blasting, her mother was sleeping in the next room so I asked her to turn the volume down, she got annoyed and told me to stop telling her what to do.

 

 

All her complaints came out that I’m too proper, that I’m too anal. She said she gets turned off whenever I’m being too neat and I help her mother clean up, that I’m too polite etc, because her past boyfriend was not like that. She does her own thing, he does her own thing.

I was speechless and did not know what to say to that. All I said was “I’m sorry if I’m not a slob like your ex”.

 

 

She wouldn’t even kiss me back that day, she didn’t talk as we walked. Then I popped the question “Want to talk about this? Because we need to compromise, meet in the middle, otherwise, we’re both wasting time”. She said to just drop it and she doesn’t want me to change for her because it won’t be me, all I said was “I won’t change, I’m just going to meet you in the middle so we can make this relationship work”. She did not say anything, I got annoyed and said “if we won’t communicate, this is pointless…” that’s when she snapped and said I’m threatening her and that she wanted to end it.

 

 

We broke up that day saying that we always argue and it’s only been over a month, my response was “because you always refuse to communicate, you do your own thing and you go your own way, that’s not how relationships work.” She said I was pressuring her and it’s only been over a month.

I tried to fix it, but nothing… She offered to be friends, I said no. I know I had my faults in the relationship, I may have been asking for too much too soon…. up to now… I still blame myself, but should I really?…

 

 

I asked for a closure, she said she likes me and she wants to be with me because of all the qualities I posses, because her family loves me and that her family hated her ex, but she said that something is missing. I asked what was missing? She said “I don’t know”…

I’m still confused… I really, really, really liked her… now… I just hate her…

 

Going back to day 1, what could the real reason be why she could not fully get into it 100%?

 

Reasons I can think of :

 

1. She's not over her ex even after 5 years and everytime we're together, she thinks of him.

2. She really did not feel the connection after 3 dates but still gave it a shot because she found good qualities in me as a potential boyfriend.

3. She's really just not ready or genuinely does not want a commitment, considering she was single for 5 years.

 

I've been trying to forget her, but I think the reason why I can't get her out of my head is because I keep playing things over and over again in my head trying to think what went wrong, why things did not work out.

 

Any feedback?...

[Minka333]

The mere fact she mentioned no connection means there is no chance at all..you wouldn't want to stay with someone who will just settle for you but there's no actual passion. You surely deserve more than that. Be glad that she was honest and didn't string you along.

[JayL]

The mere fact she mentioned no connection means there is no chance at all..you wouldn't want to stay with someone who will just settle for you but there's no actual passion. You surely deserve more than that. Be glad that she was honest and didn't string you along.

 

Well... she kind of strung me along by introducing me to her entire family, having sex with me every week etc.

 

What I realized though is maybe she really tried to establish that connection because she really wanted to be with me because of my qualities.

 

Unfortunately, it's something that just cannot be taught or learned...

 

I owe her that she tried, that she gave me all the warning signs a few weeks in, but at the same time, she did it for her potential future benefits as well.

 

I guess that really is it and I really should just move on from this...

 

Thanks...

[JustALittleBit]

I don't think it was no connection... I think she has serious issues she needs to deal with. I also think her issues and the way she treated you goes beyond the point of having compassion for someone and their baggage and into psycho territory.

 

You sound like a super sweet guy... particularly with your patience towards her. I really think there needs to be more guys like you in the world so I hope you won't let this affect you and get frustrated next time these signs show up. Sometimes people really do need a bit of time to work through things, so my only advice to you is to find someone "better" next time. You said that stuff about how her past shows the type of person she is - I'm sure some people would disagree with you, but personally I agree. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

 

So yes, pick better next time. The only thing I can think to watch out for is the part where she said you were pressuring her, I personally think her actions were beyond acceptable since she didn't appear to be showing much effort to communicate with you and change, but just be very wary that some people can't jump straight into a relationship and might not be as ready as you are for full blown intimacy. So take it slower next time, keep it to exclusive dating (not being bf/gf), don't meet the family so soon, hold off on being sexual and try build more of a connection with the person first. And then at 6 weeks when you find out their friends don't know it won't bother you so much, you can't expect to be integrated into someone's life straight away especially if they have a history. But still, be glad you're done with her!

[JayL]

I don't think it was no connection... I think she has serious issues she needs to deal with. I also think her issues and the way she treated you goes beyond the point of having compassion for someone and their baggage and into psycho territory.

 

You sound like a super sweet guy... particularly with your patience towards her. I really think there needs to be more guys like you in the world so I hope you won't let this affect you and get frustrated next time these signs show up. Sometimes people really do need a bit of time to work through things, so my only advice to you is to find someone "better" next time. You said that stuff about how her past shows the type of person she is - I'm sure some people would disagree with you, but personally I agree. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.

 

So yes, pick better next time. The only thing I can think to watch out for is the part where she said you were pressuring her, I personally think her actions were beyond acceptable since she didn't appear to be showing much effort to communicate with you and change, but just be very wary that some people can't jump straight into a relationship and might not be as ready as you are for full blown intimacy. So take it slower next time, keep it to exclusive dating (not being bf/gf), don't meet the family so soon, hold off on being sexual and try build more of a connection with the person first. And then at 6 weeks when you find out their friends don't know it won't bother you so much, you can't expect to be integrated into someone's life straight away especially if they have a history. But still, be glad you're done with her!

 

Thanks very much... I think you're right...

 

We did go too fast though... big, big mistake.... but I didn't even notice. All I knew was I was interested in her and I wanted to spend more time with her to see how she is and if she really was the type of girl she said she was. Although, personally, I don't believe in going too fast or going too slow, I like to just go with the flow. I hate texting/chatting/phone conversations. It makes me feel overwhelmed. I'd rather be with someone in person and talk and do stuff. I'll never see the point in holding back and playing the mind games, the thrill, the chase etc... Maybe it's just me... I've always been a relationship type of man and I'm very straight forward.

 

If I went on a date with someone and I didn't feel a connection, I go for another date and try, if there's still none, I end it right away and not drag it on. On the other hand, if I like someone, I tell her and show her.

 

I just feel numb at the moment and don't feel any interest in anyone. I do still want her back. I sent her a message today wishing her all the best and thanking her for trying etc. I told her I owed her that thank you. No response though... Oh well...

[JayL]

I sent her a text message...

 

Me : Hey, it's been 3 weeks now and I just figured that how we ended things wasn't really the best way to do it. Would you like to meet up tonight, talk and end things like 2 adults would? I guess it's safe to say that I am still looking for my closure. I just want to apologize in person for the harsh things I said when I was hurt and angry. Let me know.

 

Her : It's been over for awhile now and if you really wanted things to end like 2 adults would, you would have dropped it long ago and not message me again. I will not respond/read anymore of your messages.

 

Funny how for her almost 2 months of us spending that much time together, making out, having sex, doing things together meant NOTHING and 3 weeks of no contact is AWHILE for her. (I sent her a message once each week to say hi but she did not respond).

 

I can't believe this..... How did I get this attached to her and she did not feel any emotions towards me at all...

Spent 3 to 4 days together each week, had fun, made out, had sex, and in the end I was the only one who thought something was happening, while for her, nothing...

Edited September 27, 2012 by JayL

[okiedokie]

She was obviously hurt in her last relationship and as you have accurately described is not over her ex. It sounds as if you have done everything humanly possible to show interest and a hurculian effort to discuss and work on the issues she is throwing out as road blocks, but, she is not showing a willingness to put forthe the same effort.

 

As far as closure goes, you have to work with what you have...she doesn't want to work on things and is not willing to put forthe the effort it takes to be in a committed relationship. She is not over her ex. you have attempted to discuss and work on things..she's not willing to. This is your closure. It may not be what you want but it is what you have to work with, along with the fact that you did all you could.

 

I think you did the right thing in walking away from someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. She needs to address some things before she is ready to be in a committed relationship and is fully emotionally available to anyone.

 

PS, her text message shows her ability to compartmentalize people and emotions.

[JayL]

I guess I really have no choice but to just let it be...

 

It's sad that her and I have a great compatibility and similar family values, as well as our plans in the future "individually" fall within the same timeframe... hence we talked about putting them together provided things turned out great a couple years from now.

 

I guess that's why I'm so hooked to her, since women I meet these days just don't have ambitions and just party all the time. The ones with ambitions that I meet are just too stuck up and expecting a man to have this and that and to provide this and that.

 

She's the one in the middle... except carries a major baggage... *sigh*

[okiedokie]

yeah except for the fact that you are minimizing that the baggage is the whole issue with her. It's not you, anyone she gets involved with is gonna face same unless that person is emotionally unavailable to her in which case it will probably trigger some deep rooted abandonment issues and she will be all about that guy...the thing you have to realize is that you got the best she had to offer in the brief time you were together...people often think that things will get better with time, but withpeople with an emotionally deficit it never gets better unless they get help to address their core issues.

[JayL]

yeah except for the fact that you are minimizing that the baggage is the whole issue with her. It's not you, anyone she gets involved with is gonna face same unless that person is emotionally unavailable to her in which case it will probably trigger some deep rooted abandonment issues and she will be all about that guy...the thing you have to realize is that you got the best she had to offer in the brief time you were together...people often think that things will get better with time, but withpeople with an emotionally deficit it never gets better unless they get help to address their core issues.

 

I guess I should have been that a-hole boyfriend who never cared about her and maybe things would have worked out great......

 

But again... it's a relationship with a weak bond if that's what happens...

 

2 different people... I guess... I'll just have to move on and cease her existence in my mind and my life.

 

It just makes it harder for me since everywhere I go, we've been to... my couch, my bed, my car, the park, the mall, restaurants in my city... *sigh* great..

 

Thanks everyone for the great advice and wake up slaps... This has been haunting me for awhile and it shouldn't... I just feel like her and I have been together for long..

 

I've been in relationships that lasted for years, 3.5 years the most, but I never felt this before after a break up. Maybe because I was on cloud 9 when I got shot down and my face fell flat on the floor expecting she would catch me.

Edited September 27, 2012 by JayL