How do I convince her that leaving me is the best thing for her?

[The_Good_Me]

Hi all

 

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but I'm thinking of ways to try to make my girlfriend see that being with me is just holding her back. I don't want to finish with her because it would crush her, she's made it clear she is very much into me but I am not worthy of her and she see's me through rose tinted glasses.

 

Basically I have no qualifications, I've been stuck in the same dead end job for the last 9 and a half years and barely moved up the ladder. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm not smart enough to do much more than minimum wage jobs. I don't have the kind of financial backing to go into education even if I thought I could succeed at college or university. I have no prospects for the future and soon it looks as though the company I work for may go under and I'll be in severe trouble.

 

Before I got with my girlfriend I was only just managing to make ends meet and now that I'm with her and we're dating, I'm slowly losing money each month and that's while I have a job so I'm already living beyond my means, never mind after I lose my job at the end of the year. She's a bit younger than me, has a very well paid and stable job and she's ready to settle down with a man. I look in the mirror and see a boy who hasn't found his way in life and hasn't got a future. I'd love to be able to provide for her but sooner or later she will see the loser that I am and leave anyway for someone more stable, which I am actually fine with.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and I sincerely just want to see her happy! I have spoken to her about my issues! I told her I was selfish to have gotten with her knowing that I have problems and it wasn't fair to drag her through the mud with me. Not only do I have learning difficulties, financial troubles and a severly bleak looking future, I also have zero confidence because of it all. She burst into tears and said "I know you think you're being selfish but I accept you for who you are and I just want you to give me a chance!"

 

It broke my heart to hear her say that! She's already emotionally invested in a loser. I know this relationship is doomed and I've already been through the mill losing my fiance after a 10 year relationship. I know I can survive the most emotionally crushing pain there is to feel out there but I don't want her to go through that! We've been together for only about a month so getting out early would certainly be better for her!

 

I feel so guilty for getting with her in the first place. I never should have done so! I should have just liked her from afar and never expressed my feelings towards her! Lesson learned and now I have to do something about the predicament she's in.

 

I haven't slept with her yet, I don't think it would be right to and then leave her! I'm not the kind of guy to have sex and leave! I've only had 1 sexual partner in my life. We were about to have sex at the weekend but I couldn't do it, instead I confessed my fears. I couldn't hide my feelings and just have sex with her! I needed to warn her about me and I hoped that, that would have made her run a mile but she stayed. She's so nice and again shows that I am not worthy of her! She needs to get out of this dead end relationship, heal from it and find a real man!

 

How on earth do I make her see this while she's into me so much? Should I just ride out the storm and allow her to see it in her own time? I know this would be the most moral way of doing it as I have no right to manipulate her, I just know that the sooner she gets out, the better it is for her! Should I just be a man, finish with her now and take the abuse that comes with it? I don't mind doing that as I know it'd be right for her in the long run but at the same time I don't want to hurt her if that's the wrong thing to do. Or is there some way I can speed up the process of getting her to sever her feelings from me? I'd much rather it be her decision to leave as she'd recover much faster!

 

Any advice here would be extremely welcome.

 

P.S I'd just like to add that I'm honestly not looking for people to try and boost my confidence. Nothing anybody says can make me feel better about myself and as I know myself better than anyone, I already know and accept that I won't be able to better myself to become worthy of her. If I could do that then I wouldn't be posting here! I just want her to be happy! I know I make her happy now but we're in the "Honeymoon Period" and she won't see it without help! There's no way I can keep her happy with my emotional baggage & financial trouble! It was unfair of me to get with her in the first place!

[Calico]

Two options:

 

- Man up and let her go, and don't cowardly push her away until she leaves you. If you want to be without her, for any reason, take the responsibility for your decision.

 

- Work on your self esteem and don't presume to know what's best for your partner. If she didn't love you and didn't want to be with you, she would not.

[betterdeal]

Every man is a mystery to no-one but himself. You sound mildly depressed to me and you can get help for that. It's a classic sign of depression that we throw away the good things in our lives and then say, "there's nothing good in my life" and by the sounds of it, this relationship is the best thing in your life. Am I right?

 

Now, she has a well paid job you say. She must have some intelligence to achieve that, I'm guessing, so maybe she's just smart enough to see what an awesome, loveable, kind, fun, humble, loving man you are, and that's what she wants from a man. Can you accept that she likes you, even the imperfect you? You better learn to because you are AWESOME.

 

Say it! Say "I AM AWESOME" and then say it again, with feeling. Shout it out! And tell me how you feel when you do that?

 

Does it feel good?

 

You bet it does! Getting yourself out of a slump can take time and you may need help. Maybe anti-depressants would be of use, to give you a kick start. Talk to your GP about that. It's okay to ask for help. And have a look at http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au and see if that helps you lift your mood.

 

You'll find your path, I'm sure

[Leigh 87]

Well your not that stupid; you can sure write well enough, so as to sound at least average in terms of your intellience level. My boyfriend cannot even spell and never reads but I love him. Look, every one is adept in some area, and even if their not, not everyone needs intelligence in a person.

 

For some people, as long as a person has a passion for life, has hobbies and interest they are passionate about, and has good qualities about them ( kind, honest, funny, and a joy to be around) then intelligence is not on everyones " List".

Of course for a lot for a lot of people, intelligence and careers mean a lot; a lot of people that attend University/college, also prefer like minded people who have studied and have a white collar, corporate job, OR a certificate in something respectable (for instance, a person who is successfull in real estate does not need a Uni degree)

 

Basically, it comes down to:

 

- she loves being around you.

 

- you posses qualities that make her love your company; be it humour, kindess, or just the way you see the world and the things you talk about.

 

- you make her happy enough to want to be with you, which means intelligence and education are not top priorities to her.

 

- You may lack academic prowless, yet you come across in a way that paints you as a person who knows how to have a conversation..... You can obviously sit down with this girl and talk about things that are just as meaningful as a better educated person.

....Intelligence aside, you clearly have enough to offer to be able to interact with this girl in a way that satisfies her as much as a better educated person.

[I'm nuts]

Man you need to have a bit more confidence, money and success are all BS, nice to have but come on, why would you want a girl that just see money? Money don't buy happiness.

 

I don't have any qualifications either, nada de nada, nothing, I am dyslexic, but I get of my back side and find what I am good at, so what if I don't have high qualifications, but I can get up in the morning, I'm a grafter, I play to my strengths and my good points and that's what you need to do, stop moping about pull yourself together and get a bit of confidence and say to yourself, 'hey I'm a good person, I have worth and value' if you don't then you will always be stuck in a rut and a women will sense it.

 

Everything and everyone is attainable, it's all in the mind.

Edited September 17, 2012 by I'm nuts

[Leigh 87]

And neither my boyfriend nor I have a well paid job or any job at the moment. He is into driving things and opperating heavy/deagerous machinery ( hwo his father got rich) and I am into studying/reading. however, I have delayed my academic pursuits, and am not only JUSt heading towards my career.

 

...We love each other to pieces and I cannot imagine loving my partner less because of his lack of education. It is a deal breaker to some people, but I just feel so much love for my partner, even though I am a person who is adept at studying and does well at it, where as he is a person who is not geared that way.

 

I am enjoying studying, and when I start working in a decent job soon, I only need a guy who I click with, and who is passionate about life and who is passionate about learning in some form; it does not have to be through studying in the conventional way. It can be through learning music, through watching science and space, war, and history documentaries, and through just loving to learn about new things and to have the DRIVE to learn more about politics to a small extent.

 

Bring book smart is one thing; I am book smart, yet I lack basic grammar and sentence construction at times (due to dropping out of school albiet being good at studying when I get around to doing it) as people on loveshack point out to me. They assume I am stupid, but who cares? I have people who like and love me for who I am.

[Leigh 87]

aww this thread is really sad:(

 

I want you to know that as long as your a kind, loving, honest, and preferably funny guy who is really lovely, you really ARE enough for a lot of women out there!

 

As long as you are not a stoner who sits at home smoking pot with no passions in life, being a kind hearted and lovely person should be ENOUGH to attract a decent girl!

 

don't let anyone ever tell you that your not good enough; your not the right person for them, but your defiately more than enough for some women out there.

[I'm nuts]

No offence to anyone, but personally I find academic people dull and boring, they bore the pants of me, imagine two academics together

 

My little experience tells me that the best person to be with is someone who makes you laugh, builds you up, encourages you, a person that is you're rock, money can not buy you such things, most people with money love to talk about them self and how they made it

 

There is always something to do and learn, don't put your self down, I spent over 6 years encouraging someone, it is the best feeling in the world helping and supporting someone you care about.

 

Don't push her away if you love her.

[The_Good_Me]

Every man is a mystery to no-one but himself. You sound mildly depressed to me and you can get help for that. It's a classic sign of depression that we throw away the good things in our lives and then say, "there's nothing good in my life" and by the sounds of it, this relationship is the best thing in your life. Am I right?

 

Now, she has a well paid job you say. She must have some intelligence to achieve that, I'm guessing, so maybe she's just smart enough to see what an awesome, loveable, kind, fun, humble, loving man you are, and that's what she wants from a man. Can you accept that she likes you, even the imperfect you? You better learn to because you are AWESOME.

 

Say it! Say "I AM AWESOME" and then say it again, with feeling. Shout it out! And tell me how you feel when you do that?

 

Does it feel good?

 

You bet it does! Getting yourself out of a slump can take time and you may need help. Maybe anti-depressants would be of use, to give you a kick start. Talk to your GP about that. It's okay to ask for help. And have a look at www.moodgym.anu.edu.au and see if that helps you lift your mood.

 

You'll find your path, I'm sure

 

You are a very nice person for saying such things! You have hit the nail on the head, I am suffering from depression but alas I have been to my GP and from there I went to counselling to try and resolve it but I had 2 problems. 1. The counselling wasn't working in the months that I was there, though I understand that counselling is a long process and 2. I could not afford to keep going. Even if I could afford it I no longer believe in counselling and I think you have to believe it'll work before it has a chance too.

 

The relationship is the best thing in my life right now. Other than her I have some incredible friends that I spend my time with too. I am not alone fortunately.

 

I'm not too bad though, I do accept that I am a very kind person, very loving, I can be fun to be around and I can be charming and romantic. My personality isn't the issue. I am a nice guy but the phrase "Nice guys finish last" definitely applies to me (though doesn't to all nice guys). Obviously when depression sets in my mood does change. I don't get angry, I go quiet as I sit and worry about my future which I know is very uncomfortable for other people to be around especially when the change in mood can be so sudden.

 

I realise she loves me for the type of person that I am but there are loads of nice guys out there like me and a lot of them come with the complete package. The stable job, the stable mind, the confidence, everything. I am not the complete package at all, I just have one piece of it! I could be homeless living on the streets at the end of the year!! I'm basically a complete failure in anything academic or work related! I just don't have what it takes to become a better person in those areas of my life! If I'm lucky enough to get another job I will certainly have to move out of where I live now and into a smaller, rougher area working in another dead end job!

 

I just don't like the thought of her being stuck with a loser like me and wasting time when she could be out there meeting Mr Right!

 

I'm sorry I can't do the "I'm awesome" thing, I'm just not that sort of person, I would just feel silly.

 

One final point is the anti-depressants. I have heard horrible stories of people becoming dependant on them... I fear that so I cannot go down that path.

 

Thank you again for being kind. I think option 1 from Calico is the best course of action though as I have to think about her before myself! I can't do option 2, I've tried, I've failed. I'm not good enough to succeed! I love her so much that I can't put her through it!!

 

I'm seeing her tomorrow, I'll be completely honest with her and tell her why. I know how hard it is not to recieve closure and not have the full story. I will aim to be gentle and try to reassure her that this is a good thing. I fear she will only see it though when she finds the right guy.

 

Thank you for your help guys :-)

[yessy21]

Every man is a mystery to no-one but himself. You sound mildly depressed to me and you can get help for that. It's a classic sign of depression that we throw away the good things in our lives and then say, "there's nothing good in my life" and by the sounds of it, this relationship is the best thing in your life. Am I right?

 

Now, she has a well paid job you say. She must have some intelligence to achieve that, I'm guessing, so maybe she's just smart enough to see what an awesome, loveable, kind, fun, humble, loving man you are, and that's what she wants from a man. Can you accept that she likes you, even the imperfect you? You better learn to because you are AWESOME.

Say it! Say "I AM AWESOME" and then say it again, with feeling. Shout it out! And tell me how you feel when you do that?

You bet it does! Getting yourself out of a slump can take time and you may need help. Maybe anti-depressants would be of use, to give you a kick start. Talk to your GP about that. It's okay to ask for help. And have a look at www.moodgym.anu.edu.au and see if that helps you lift your mood.

You'll find your path, I'm sure

 

 

I am 100 Percent sure that you are Depressed. your making up excuses also. if you really really like her... then you will accept it and fight to be a better person for yourself. you can take online classes. you can apply for a better position in your job. but you will never find another girl like that. what if this is the real deal? and you let her go and then bam! you land a better position and then what? you go out and date chicks who only want whats best for them? she wants whats best for both of you. you have potential.. i say let her take it out of you and reach for the stars.

[I'm nuts]

 

I'm not too bad though, I do accept that I am a very kind person, very loving, I can be fun to be around and I can be charming and romantic. My personality isn't the issue. I am a nice guy but the phrase "Nice guys finish last" definitely applies to me (though doesn't to all nice guys).

 

Oh no they don't, not with the right person, the nice guy will always come first.

 

Just try to build a bit of confidence in yourself, a lot of this stuff is all in the mind, think better of yourself and keep positive and don't put yourself down or think others are better than you, you have to think positive, I will get a good job, I will better myself, I am the best bloke on this planet for this girl, job done guv

[ihateslowjams]

Two options:

 

- Man up and let her go, and don't cowardly push her away until she leaves you. If you want to be without her, for any reason, take the responsibility for your decision.

 

- Work on your self esteem and don't presume to know what's best for your partner. If she didn't love you and didn't want to be with you, she would not.

 

Man... I was in the same exact position as you. My BU happened because of this same exact reason. I tried breaking up with my ex 3 years ago for the same reason as you, but she refused and said the same exact things as yours. So I decided to stay with her and go back to school, but 3 years later, she broke it off because I wasn't trying "hard enough" and it was taking much longer than she expected. Believe me when I say it hurts like no other to be dumped because you're "not good enough".

 

Calico listed you're options. My advice to you because I was/am in the same position, never stop trying to improve yourself. Just because you feel like you're in a dead end job, doesn't mean you're stuck to that for the rest of your life. If you feel like you don't have the capabilities for education, I scream out BullS***. Education is that thing you have to put effort in with all your might and it will be paid in return with a grade and a degree.

 

Honestly OP, all you can do is the 2 things Calico listed. Man up and leave her, or stay with her and man up and improve yourself. Either case, you gotta man up.

 

Everyone here listed issues about your depression/confidence. They may be right, but your gf/ex knows what she's getting herself into and so do you. If you truly cared for her, you'd try to improve yourself for both of you and your future together. If you'd rather leave her and go back to your usual ways of living life because its much more comfortable/easy, then leave her.

 

Honestly, I say stay with her and try your hardest to improve yourself/job. Why would you want to settle with your job/career if you yourself know that its something to work on? Stick with her, and put in the effort to improve yourself. It'll be hard, but it'll be well worth it in the end. It would be such an amazing feat to accomplish what you want to accomplish and your gf stuck with you for the whole ride. I could only wish for that since mine ended, but yours hasn't.

 

I tried to stop positing on here, but your story hit home...

 

Ill say it again, STAY WITH HER AND MAN UP. Don't leave because you're afraid of failure. Let her decide to leave on her own. So go out there and improve yourself with all your effort. I promise it will pay off.

[I'm nuts]

Try to think positively, by this I mean you don't need to be super qualified to be successful, look at all the entrepreneurs who are successful, now ask why are they successful?

 

They have ideas, they got of their back sides and they make it work, like you feel they to will like throwing in the towel and giving up, but no they don't because they have a back bone and they get out their a fight until they are successful, it's just as I said, it's all in the mentality and mind set and willingness to do something a learn, I do e -commerce and importing from China, Taiwan, Japan,etc, and jeez man is frigging hard, every day I feel like giving up due to what these bankers and politicians have done to the economy, but no I struggle on to make a living, it's all about self belief, give it a go!!

[betterdeal]

I'm sorry I can't do the "I'm awesome" thing, I'm just not that sort of person, I would just feel silly.

 

Feeling silly is the best part!

[The_Good_Me]

Wow thank you everyone for the replies! Loveshack has always been full of such wonderful people with nice things to say.

 

You're all right in saying that I am not completely stupid and I do realise this. My fault lies in learning difficulties! I struggled so hard at school/college/jobs. No matter what I put my mind too I am always the slowest to learn and never reach the same level as others no matter how hard I try! Writing and holding conversations isn't a problem for me as such. There is just something wrong with my brain! I can't store information very easily. For example if someone shows me how to do something, even a simple task like mopping a floor, I will have forgotten by the end of the tutorial. This actually happened at my first job as a barman which was very amusing for those around me as I didn't "ring out the mop" but I forget such simple things. Whenever it comes to something difficult say like at a lecture, I cannot keep up with what I am being told, I can't get notes down fast enough. I have been to college and I grafted very hard! I would spend the day at college for the alloted hours and then I would come home and work for another 4-6 hours every day trying to keep up with everyone else that had no problem with just the core hours! While they were out having fun I was working hard at trying to keep up. I'm actually glad I didn't get a job in that field because I would have failed anyway! It's very expensive to go to University or to do night courses and I simply cannot afford to do it. I could get a loan to do it but it really would be a waste and leave me in debt! I am the sort of person that tries really hard and then ends up with nothing at the end of it!

 

I know what you're all saying, get some confidence and all that but say I picked myself and said "Right, I'm going back to school" I get a loan, I go through up to 4 years of trying with everything that I am to pass whatever it is I set myself to doing and at the end of it I fail... I have no qualification, I have several thousand £'s of debt looming over me and I've proven to the girl I love that I am a loser... even if she stayed with me I would feel inadequate as I do now which would result in me pushing her away anyway through depression... why lead someone so lovely through all that hell??

 

I get that some people just want a nice guy, but I think everyone needs to be with someone that is comfortable with themselves! I am not comfortable with myself because I cannot achieve something no matter how hard I try! If you're not comfortable with yourself then you become depressed and we all know how unattractive that is!

 

I really like this girl and I can't bare the thought of keeping her from a real man! A lot of people say "If it's meant to be, it will be!" so say I leave her and give her a chance to find someone else and she doesn't and in that time I achieve something... would I not find my way back to her a better man, one who is happy with himself and hence one that can give her the kind of relationship she deserves? If she did find someone then great for her!! If I failed to achieve something in that time apart then I have stopped her from staying with a loser... I can't see how this isn't good for her!?

 

Someone mentioned I am afraid of failure and someone else said I am making up excuses. It's not fear of failure or making up excuses though I can see why you would think that when I had not explained myself fully. I accept that I am a failure already and have come to terms with it. I base this on my past failures and the knowledge that I am not capable of achieving success just because I set out and work hard.

 

I now look forward and see a beautiful bright woman deserving a man. I feel selfish staying with her knowing that something better for her is around the corner. I don't want to be in her way of long time happiness!

[Berna]

And how do you know what's best for her?

[The_Good_Me]

And how do you know what's best for her?

 

I don't know what's best for her, I just know that I personally am not good enough for her, hence there is better out there.

 

I've known myself for nearly 30 years (I suppose you could say 26 years if you only count the years where you have a "conscious mind"), I've seen what kind of person I am and judged myself a loser. She's known me since April, she's fallen for a nice guy and the part of me I actually like. She's in the honeymoon phase of being with a new nice guy who treats her well. When that wears off and the cracks start to show, soon she'll see the cracks lead to chasms rather than just stay cracks.

 

I'd like to show her a safer route to protect her from that chasm.

[hinatticus]

You don't know what she will feel in the future. What If she's cool with all your "faults", you end up having a child. Maybe you end up being a great care giver for your child. Maybe you end up writing children's books from home. You my friend are not dumb. There is something out there for you to be passionate about.

 

If you feel like a failure all of your following choices will lead you to failure. There's nothing wrong with failing as long as you can learn something from it. It sounds like you don't want to learn from your past failures but rather accept it. Get out if that mind frame! Your gf sees something special in you that you don't see. Honeymoon phase or not, you're not putting up a front of being a nice, trustworthy, honest man. Those are your core attributes. Use them for something. There are plenty of jobs that require those traits.

 

You wanna talk about failures? I failed my ex and my son, but i will learn from those mistakes and redeem myself. Someway, somehow....

 

Anyway, you sound like a decent guy, just don't be a quitter!

Edited September 17, 2012 by hinatticus

[betterdeal]

I don't know what's best for her, I just know that I personally am not good enough for her, hence there is better out there.

 

You don't get to decide what goes on inside her head. Her choices are hers to make. If you have problems with the relationship, if you don't feel ready for it, or have other challenges to face before you feel comfortable and secure in it, then you're getting somewhere, but trying to sublimate it into her head is not going to work. If you have issues with her behaviour, that's something else to think about, but that is not the same as you not being good enough: you are good enough and I know that because you two are together. She has chosen you. A perfect relationship doesn't start with two perfect people: it starts with seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

 

Now, if you will, please stop sugar coating this as being kind to her and tell us what it is that bugs you about her, or the relationship. What is it that you don't like?

[The_Good_Me]

You don't get to decide what goes on inside her head. Her choices are hers to make. If you have problems with the relationship, if you don't feel ready for it, or have other challenges to face before you feel comfortable and secure in it, then you're getting somewhere, but trying to sublimate it into her head is not going to work. If you have issues with her behaviour, that's something else to think about, but that is not the same as you not being good enough: you are good enough and I know that because you two are together. She has chosen you. A perfect relationship doesn't start with two perfect people: it starts with seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

 

Now, if you will, please stop sugar coating this as being kind to her and tell us what it is that bugs you about her, or the relationship. What is it that you don't like?

 

I don't like that this thread is starting to become an accusation. I have been completely honest from the start. There is absolutely nothing about her that bothers me. I have said the following to my friends from the start "I feel as though she would be perfect for me, but I do not feel as though I am perfect for her!" with the utmost sincerity!

 

My problems are not with her in the slightest, they are with myself! If that hasn't come across in what I have said already and people think I am just trying to find a way to dump someone I am not happy with then this conversation has to end! If I wanted to end the relationship because I simply wasn't happy with her then I would do!

 

Last year I was dumped by my ex a few weeks before our wedding! It came out of the blue (for me) as we were sleeping together still. There were no signs of her leaving! We had sex and 4 days later I was dumped and she ran for the hills! I never got the truth about why she left, she never spoke to me again. I know how hard it is to be dumped and not be told why and if I ever found myself in a position where I had to end a relationship I would do so and I would tell them exactly why to give closure! I'm sure many people out there know how not getting closure leads to a longer healing process as it prolongs the state where you wonder why on earth it happened!

 

I can only say this through words on here because I cannot take you to the pub, buy you a drink and show you that my concerns are for her future well being! I will say it one last time though... My issues are not with her, they are with me! She is a successful bright young woman, very caring, very loving and incredibly special! I feel as though I am nothing compared to her, I don't feel as though I can provide for her! I'm not clever enough to get a well paid job to give her the things she deserves! More importantly I am not happy with myself so how can I expect her to be? I feel inadequate in every way apart from I know I am a kind, loving person! I have hang ups over all the other issues! I just want to be a proper man for her but I know I am not!

 

If you read these words and still believe "this guy doesn't like her for some reason" then I don't think we should talk about this anymore. It's not like that I promise!

 

I think it's wonderful that people have tried to pick me up on here and boost my confidence and I genuinely feel terrible for throwing it back in your faces! I am extremely depressed at the minute and words of encouragement are not getting through this wall I find myself behind!

 

Being in that state of mind is not a man deserving of a woman like her in my opinion and I think if I do pull myself out of depression and manage to go back to school and achieve something, it won't be for many years! I was looking at courses last night as they all just blow my mind! There is nothing out there that I am good at and it would literally take years of frustration with a large chance that someone like me would fail! I don't want to drag her through that! I want her to be happy, I want her to be with a real man!!

 

Just because she chose me, doesn't make me the right person for her! I clearly am not right for her with all these fears and doubts about myself!!

 

I think Calico's response from the start has been the correct one so far. I wish with all my heart that I had it in me to do option 2 but as I cannot achieve that, option 1 is the only one left :-( I truly wish it was different!!

[fallen.angel]

Honestly IMO ur totally wrong to leave her, can u even begin to imagine how she would feel? She loves u for "YOU", im sure she can see the pros and cons and she has made the decision to stick by ur side. I am in the same situation with my bf, he is older, less educated, min wage job etc, but I LOVE HIM. And he too like u is trying to tell me always how id be better without him, and this has been going on for almost a yr now, I feel so depressed these days and he keeps telling me that il thank him one day, and i can do better etc, but what he fails to understand is that I LOVE HIM, and that I KNEW all this when we started dating but for me whats most important is a persons character and values more than money, that I can earn but whats the guarantee that the next so called "perfect" guy I meet will indeed possess these qualities? But anyway my advise is fight for her if you love her, dont let her go, like what my bf wants. I am soon moving out because I cant take fighting everyday for him (not a literal fight just him always putting himself down) but I am hoping and praying that my staying away from him will make him see our relationship better, if not yes I will move on, but 2+yrs of a relationship does matter to me. In the end looks, charm etc fade, and if you both can earn enough to have a decent life why are you even thinking of letting such a loving woman go? I hope u understand how much it will hurt her as I can feel the pain too, and I hope u stick by her. Hope that helps.

[The_Good_Me]

Honestly IMO ur totally wrong to leave her, can u even begin to imagine how she would feel? She loves u for "YOU", im sure she can see the pros and cons and she has made the decision to stick by ur side. I am in the same situation with my bf, he is older, less educated, min wage job etc, but I LOVE HIM. And he too like u is trying to tell me always how id be better without him, and this has been going on for almost a yr now, I feel so depressed these days and he keeps telling me that il thank him one day, and i can do better etc, but what he fails to understand is that I LOVE HIM, and that I KNEW all this when we started dating but for me whats most important is a persons character and values more than money, that I can earn but whats the guarantee that the next so called "perfect" guy I meet will indeed possess these qualities? But anyway my advise is fight for her if you love her, dont let her go, like what my bf wants. I am soon moving out because I cant take fighting everyday for him (not a literal fight just him always putting himself down) but I am hoping and praying that my staying away from him will make him see our relationship better, if not yes I will move on, but 2+yrs of a relationship does matter to me. In the end looks, charm etc fade, and if you both can earn enough to have a decent life why are you even thinking of letting such a loving woman go? I hope u understand how much it will hurt her as I can feel the pain too, and I hope u stick by her. Hope that helps.

 

Thank you for your reply Fallen.Angel and I'm sorry to hear you're going through what you are with your bf. You are my gf's future if she stays with me and this is exactly what I don't want for her! There is no quick turn around for me to start feeling better about myself, I've felt down & doubted myself since I can remember. I'm not a strong enough person to pull myself out of this pit of despair which is something I accept won't change. It's not fair to know this and drag a perfectly decent woman through my misery. She doesn't deserve it! We have only been together for about a month, we haven't said "I love you" yet and we haven't slept together for reasons I won't go into. We were going to for the first time on Saturday but what did I do? I cried like a baby, confessed my fears and completely ruined the moment! I dragged up things from my past which I think are key to feeling like this! Is that a man?? Is that a stable person for a relationship?? The answer is clearly no! I maybe a man, but I am a broken one! She is ready for a proper relationship with a proper man. I do not see that in myself when I look in the mirror and be completely honest with myself!

 

If I had been with her for 2+ years like you have with your bf then I would try counselling again for her, I would try to fix things but I've spotted these issues early, before we've had sex and before we've said "I love you!". I think leaving her before we do those things would be best as I don't want people thinking I was just out for a bit of fun and then left! I will not use her for that I will not lead her down a road that I know will be bad for her!

 

It will hurt her now a bit for sure, or it'll just make her angry or more than likely both. Her pain can't last too long, we've not been together long enough! She'll heal quickly and she'll find another man. Whether or not the very next man is "the one" is unknown but everything happens for a reason and the reason is that these things need to happen in order for you to find "the one". Surely it is better to do it now than later!

[soccerrprp]

OP, your post is extremely self-deprecating and "deceptively" self-less. It's hard enough to find people to date, but for you to essentially dismiss and undermine your friend's own feelings is simply wrong. In fact, your attitude seems rather selfish.

 

You clearly have self-esteem issues, but here is a woman that wants to be with you regardless of what you are going through. Suck it up and let her be a part of your life and enjoy, unless YOU don't want to be with her for other unexplained reasons.

 

You don't want to get her way of happiness? She wants to be with you? It seems that your distance and contemplation of sabotaging this relationship goes directly to getting in the way of her happiness.

 

Dude, you may have a winner on your hand! Someone who genuinely cares about you and not your "things." Why undermine that? Think! Think! Think! (Winnie the Pooh)

[The_Good_Me]

OP, your post is extremely self-deprecating and "deceptively" self-less. It's hard enough to find people to date, but for you to essentially dismiss and undermine your friend's own feelings is simply wrong. In fact, your attitude seems rather selfish.

 

You clearly have self-esteem issues, but here is a woman that wants to be with you regardless of what you are going through. Suck it up and let her be a part of your life and enjoy, unless YOU don't want to be with her for other unexplained reasons.

 

You don't want to get her way of happiness? She wants to be with you? It seems that your distance and contemplation of sabotaging this relationship goes directly to getting in the way of her happiness.

 

Dude, you may have a winner on your hand! Someone who genuinely cares about you and not your "things." Why undermine that? Think! Think! Think! (Winnie the Pooh)

 

Hello Soccerrprp, thank you for your reply.

 

I see what you're saying about my actions being selfish as I do acknowledge that she wants to be with me right now and me leaving her would make her unhappy. The thing is though that this unhappiness I would bring her would only be "now, small and temporary" based on the fact that we haven't been together for long. If I stay with her and become a carbon copy of Fallen.Angel's current bf then her unhappiness would be "in the future, large and long lasting". It's harder to get over a long term relationship than one that only lasted a short time (not saying short term break ups are easy, they aren't, they hurt!). I have been selfish because I got together with her knowing I had these fears! I was stupid enough to think I could brush them under the carpet and the joy we brought eachother would conceal them and that I could be the man she deserves. How naive of me! I realise I have gotten into a situation where no matter what I do I will hurt her. Option A, Stay with her gives her more pain while Option B, Leave her now gives her a smaller amount of pain! It would be more cruel of me to stay with her, cause her pain and hold her back in life!

 

The other part of your message where you mention "unexplained reasons for wanting to leave her", trust me, there aren't any! I am being totally honest, otherwise there is no point me seeking advice and feedback. If I don't give the full facts, I don't get a proper answer and that helps nobody!

[Berna]

I still think you are leaving without a fight. Many people had bad jobs, or no jobs, low salaries, etc. You don't like it? Change it! Try something else. Do something for yourself and your life.

 

The thing you are saying that she will leave you when her crush wears out sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I never liked the "I am not good enough for her/him". It's dishonest. If you honestly love someone, you will change for him. Maybe you don't love her enough, deep down? Think about that, too.