WaitingForDunno Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Apologies that my first post is not only an essay but a long one, although I realise this is how most people get started here. Currently I'm 4 months out from a 2 year relationship that ended mutually. We were very much in love but distance plus both our busy schedules had gotten in the way and neither of us wanted to put the other second. Contact was good at first, within the first three weeks we spoke a couple of times, when she returned to my area we even saw a film together (we'd both wanted to see it for a while) which was a bit awkward but we got through. However, this is when things started to go wrong. At the end of this film viewing, as I was saying goodbye she suddenly hit me with "I don't mean to be a *****, but your stuff is in the boot of my car". I was annoyed by this (maybe I'm being too sensitive) as I thought this was something that got arranged, but I didn't say anything. After this I was unfortunate enough to suffer several personal issues (job loss, death of a relative and personal injury) in the space of ten days. I was devastated and became quite depressed. I hoped that my ex would offer some kind of support, but after having informed her of these events, she offered some weak "you'll be ok" advice and stopped contacting me. I feel very hurt and very betrayed, if the roles were reversed she would not have stopped hearing from me, making sure she was ok. The strangest part of the whole thing is that she was never like this before or during our relationship, she is a kind and loving woman who always put other people first, consistently. It feels I've gone from being one of her best friends to a casual acquaintance who gets contact when it's convenient It may seem from all this that I no longer have feelings for her, but in fact I'm still crazy about her. All summer I've had to fight the urge to ask her to start over (the answer would be no, the situation is a complete deal-breaker until next year) and would take her back in a heart beat. I still think about her now, consistently, despite a lot of recent positive changes in my life (great new job, new house with friends, more active social life). If you've read all that, what I wanted to know from you guys is: -Am I wrong to be hurt by how things have gone? -Do I need to cut contact? If so, permanently or temporarily? -Is there a viable friendship here? -Is there any way to get her out of my head? Thoughts, advice, rampant criticism are all welcome, if I'm being a creepy jerk let me know (in fact I'd feel better, if I'm weird all I have to do is change!) but I just needed to get this out of my head so other people can take a look. Thanks for your time...
TopCat22 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Hi Waiting! It sounds like you guys drifted apart somewhere which seems to happen a lot in LDR. I think the problem with amicable splits is that you don't really get to the heart of the matter. The fact that she could just return your stuff without a heads ups tells me there is more going on in her head than she's telling you. I don't think you're wrong to feel hurt by the lack of support, however it's wrong to expect the same sort of support from her now you're not together. It must be tough for her as well as she may have wanted to support you more, but thought that it would look like she was wanting you back if she showed too much. I don't think you can be friends. The fact that you still want her back will torpedo any chance of a normal friendship. I'd suggest you tell her that you need time and space apart to get over each other and then go NC. It will take a while to get her out of your head but it's probably the only sane way to go.
Sav Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I would advise you to stop focusing on her. Now its all about you. Ever since you broke up, she should be out of your life. You will not be able to deal with ANY situations that involve her in a mature fashion because you have feelings for her, and we all know feelings always screw up our rational thinking. First off, you need to cut contact. You need to cut contact in order to focus entirely on YOURSELF. Any friendship can happen after you cool down. That means after you feel nothing for her. If not, you will keep wanting more if you keep in contact. Then you're only setting yourself up to get hurt even further. Understand that once a relationship breaks down, one of the parties are bound to get hurt. You are not wrong to be hurt. Embrace and remember this feeling. Do not escape it because it will only come back to haunt you. Take things slow and do not ever blame yourself. What's happened has happened. Now just take your time to heal. Everything happens for a reason. It may sound cliche but it's quite true. Take time off and improve on yourself. Reflect on the relationship and what went wrong. By not contacting you, she is actually doing you a favor. You may not see it now but look at it this way. She is not giving you any false hopes nor try to string you along. Accept that the relationship has run its course and move on. It will get rough and the road is a very bumpy one. But while she is moving along, you are stuck in this rut. Don't ever do this to yourself. Move on. Do what's best for YOU. It's your story now. You're the man running the show. So buckle up and prepare yourself and well, for a lack of a better word, move on
Author WaitingForDunno Posted September 16, 2012 Author Posted September 16, 2012 Hi guys, Thanks for the responses, you both speak a lot of sense, I'm glad you raised it not being easy for her TopCat, I was thinking that too. Sav you're also right, I'm definitely heading down this path but I'm getting to that painful stage where I know I need to pull away from these feelings and it's hard to make the transition, but will ultimately be worthwhile. I didn't want to go into details overload in my first post but the stinger in this, and the reason I think I'm still hung up is what was said when we ended it. Basically about 6 months before it ended I was on a night out with a lot of my cousins (I'm from a big family) and my eldest cousin told me she and her new husband were trying for a baby. I was delighted for them and we were all very excited at the news, so the conversation centred around everyone's relationships and the future. My family adore my ex and spent a large chunk of the evening telling me how great she is and what a match we were. I was drunk and giddy on all this so while calling my ex to tell her the baby news I let it slip that I would like to be with her "for a long time". She got very panicked and I had to reassure her that I was drunk and that while I had thought about the future generally I had no plans and anything steps we took in future would be mutual decisions (like moving in together) which seemed to placate her. We ended the conversation laughing with her laughing and telling me she thought I was going to propose and almost had a heart attack. Bear in mind I am 25 while she is 22, not a big gap but while I'm a wage slave she was a 2nd year uni student, we weren't ready for any big commitments beyond what we already had. Sorry this is a long post again! Anyhow, the reason this matters is because despite such subjects never coming up again, when we broke up she said "I'm crazy about you and I wanted to move in with you and have a future together, I was really serious about us" and she went on to say "if in the future we're both in a position to make something work, I really want to". I was amazed, I didn't say anything about it at the time (which I really regret now) but now I'm faced with a dual problem: We both want something to work between us but until next summer at the earliest nothing can (she's too busy at uni, I'm too poor to see her more than once a month) so I'm stuck between waiting for her or moving on So in this light her behaviour takes a more troubling turn, has she changed her mind? Will she see someone at uni (I would be devastated) or is she waiting for me (so that I can't see people, not that I want to at the moment). Hence my pickle and why I'm asking for advice, hope this makes sense...
TopCat22 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 It's really difficult to know when someone says that. A lot of the time it's said to make the breakup seem less harsh. She feels bad for hurting you so rather than say "no this is it, we're done forever", it's easier to say that there's a future. It's false hope and it's bad as it will make you wait around wondering. However, the flip side is she might really believe that. You are both still quite young and settling down at 22 would be quite scary for her. There's a whole world to experience still and it would be wrong for her to settle now without exploring it. It's not what you want to hear, but maybe she does need to date some other guys and see how they compare. You don't really want her to settle down with you having regrets do you? Either way you can't wait around for her to decide. It's over, so move on (easier said than done). You will both go on to date other people and you know what, maybe you will come back to each other in the future when your circumstances are different. Sometimes life just gets in the way. Wish her well and move on.
Sav Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Heyy there, hope you're still doing fine. First of I would like to say, Don't bother. Be it commitment issues, finding someone new, or just plain bored, the relationship is gone. I don't want to sound harsh but I have no other way to say it. I truly believe in the saying " If someone wants to be with you, nothing will stop them". Apply this to your situation and see that she doesnt want to be with you. Simple. I know it hurts and believe me, I've gone through the same thing. But the thing is, she isn't there for you anymore. You have to stand up for yourself by yourself. Only by being fine alone, can you be truly happy. We are always here for you. If you need to talk, I'm always open to talk. If you need support, we, I, will always be here for you. Do not go back to her for support because you will not be able to get the answer and support that you need from her. Stay strong and the sun will shine once again.
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