My ex text to say she will be back for a few days and wants to meet

[k100danny]

I got a text from my ex today, she text a few weeks back saying she would send my watch back for anyone who is familiar with my story. anyway it didnt turn up and today she text saying she would be back in my town for a few days from the 11th and she would like to give me it back in person and could we meet for a coffee.

 

I said I didn't think it was a good idea as I really wouldn't know what to say to her at all. I said i wasn't being a dick or anything I just would feel awkward and she said that she understands and she will leave my watch with her friend for me to pick up once she leaves

 

I really wish I didnt know she was coming back, she said she will be in england for 2 weeks but not in my town the whole time. Then i guess she is either going back to italy or travelling somewhere else. This is going to be on my mind now knowing she is coming back, it's taken a long time to start to feel better but in this last hour all I can think of is when she gets back I won't be able to concentrate. I will know she is here somewhere and staying close to where I live. I haven't seen her since we split up as we split while she was in another country working.

[TaraMaiden]

You did the right thing......

 

What's your 'question'....?

[k100danny]

I don't really have a question I just needed somewhere to say something.

 

She said she understands I don't want to meet up. I've told her I wouldn't know what to say or how i'd feel and I just don't think i could do it. Then I think the honesty came out. She said she just wanted to see that I was ok!! I'm guessing she feels some guilt or something which i've told her not to and wanted to see she hadn't hurt me or something.

 

The thing is I don't know if I still have feelings for her but it's definitely causing me some anxiety knowing she will be here. I know I will be wondering what she is doing (not like who she is with or if she is with someone else I am 99% sure she has had a ne boyfriend for quite a while) just genral knowing that she is around. It was easier with her being away and I would rather have not known she was coming back. why is this?

[TaraMaiden]

Because it opens old fresh wounds and brings back old memories.

Not only would I cease contact, but I would arrange to be as far away as you geographically can, when she visits, if possible.

go away somewhere for the day.

It's extremely inconsiderate of her to not have sent the watch, and to try to arrange to meet, to give it to you. Dumpers sometimes are astonishingly naive about the damage they wreak....

[k100danny]

Yes I agree, I thought about leaving for a few days but I can't because I am so busy at work at the moment I can't take the time off. I do think it was inconsiderate of her not to send it back especially after she got a new boyfriend very quick and I was still very polite about things and wished her happiness but asked if she could send it back asap and then i could move on and it wouldnt turn up a month down the line and make me think of her. then i blocked her on facebook and did not contact her again

 

After around 6 weeks she text me from a new number so she had obviously saved it, and she said she still had my watch but she would be sending it back this week and she hoped I was well. I replied and said that would be great I'll drop your stuff off at your friends. she replied to that and it seemed like she wanted to have a conversation but i just stopped in dead in its tracks. I wasn't rude but i was just replying very bluntly so as to not let it progress into a conversation.

 

anyway around another two weeks go by and now I get this text. You see I was ok lately, still thinking of her ect but in general I knew i wouldnt bump into her or anything and i wouldnt see anything on facbook ect so i was getting on with things. I don't know how this break up would have panned out if he was still living here, im sure it would have been harder had she not been in another country. Just the thought of her being back here in my home town right near where I live is making me feel sick. I don't know if i still love her but it's definitely not something i want to deal with and I wish she had not told me she was coming here.

 

She said she understands why I don't want to meet up and she said she wont contact me again. but she also said that it would be hard for her too because no matter what I think she did love me. and she just wanted to see if i was ok. I don't want her to see me out of guilt, I have always said you dont nothing wrong but try and do what will make you happier so i cant hold a grudge for that.

[k100danny]

So after me being strong, starting no contact and not breaking it, or even thinking of breaking it for a long time and a text from her has set me back a bit. Knowing she is coming back even if it is only for two weeks made me want to talk to her.

 

I called her and we spoke for about 40 minutes, Didn't really mention a lot about us just asked how each other have been and she told me a few stories from her travels and asked how i was and how was business ect.

 

She said a couple of things on the phone that threw me a little bit, I said we hadn't really spoken since we split and it just kind of went straight to no contact, she said it was strange because she had always had a reason for breaking up with someone, not getting along or similar and she said I am the only person she has broken up with for NO reason. I didn't get this as there was obviously a reason for her to break up, we werent getting along very well and i was doubting the relationship as she was going to spend the summer in another country. I mentioned how I knew she wasn't happy here so i didn't ask her to stay. she said she is very happy in italy and travelling and the fact she doesnt have a true home or all of her nice things doesnt bother her. she said she doesnt get headaches anymore and england has some bad memories so it was like a fresh start for her.

 

so saying she found it weird that we had split up for no reason was the first thing I found odd, secondly toward the end of the conversation she asked me if i had been on any dates. I didn't mention anything like that to her, didn't ask if she was seeing anyone or anything so it caught me by surprise. When she had to go because it was time for work she said you can call me anytime and if you change your mind about meeting up for a coffee I would like to meet up.

 

we both said we reason to bad mouth each other and she said it will be awkward coming back here and people asking about me.

 

I had mentioned that I will take her stuff to her friends tonight so it is there for when she gets back and she had said I still have your tshirts, I loe wearing them. I still have a lot of your clothes and i wear them all of the time. I told her the things i had packed to take back to her friends as she couldnt remember everything that was there and she said you can keep my teddy if you like, I bet you sleep with it anyway. I said no actually its been in a bag in my spare room and he said, what so you didnt even take the stuff out to remember me by? I said well I did when you left but when we split up obviously no i didnt keep those things around.

 

The awful thing is i probably would have married this girl but it would have been a mistake, not because I didn't love her but because i know we have a couple of major differences. She wants to do the whole backpacking thing and she likes the country life, no stress, no material things and just being with her horses outside and im more of a city guy. If she wanted to settle down and do that whole thing i think we would have been happy together or maybe not.

 

Now i can't get her out of my mind, I think i hadn't really dealt with it i'd just blocked it all out while she was away. I think I will probably end up meeting up with her and then I will either be back to square one or i will see her and be able to move on.

[k100danny]

Thats another thing she said, when she asked me if i had been going on dates ad things i just said i'm so busy with work and things and im not really interested. she said well aren't you interested in sex. I sex well i think everyone always is but the stuff that comes along with it isn't always worth the hassle. it seemed strange her asking these things.

[TaraMaiden]

Stop prolonging this threads, with answers to yourself. You are clearly not over her, so do not contact her for any further reason.

Read the 'Caliguy' link in my signature.

You are now going to set yourself so far back, that basically it will feel like day one again.

Why oh why did you bother to re-contact her and chat?

For goodness' sake - she opened the wound, but you ripped out all the stitches and dug around a bit, huh??

There is no hope there.

She threw you breadcrumbs so she didn't feel like the 'bad guy'. Contact of this kind makes the dumper feel better. It's all for their peace of minds, not yours!

 

Leave her be, block, delete do not engage in any further contact of any kind at all, period!!

[k100danny]

I didnt get in touch she got in touch with me.

 

I'm sorry but im using this as a place to vent. It gets a bit worse now too, I found out that calling italy was quite expensive and my phone call this afternoon will cost me around £50 ($80) This isn't a problem but in one of my replies to her i said god I didn't realise how expensive it was to call italy, she said I used to cost you more when we were together and i replied with yeah but when your a couple there are benefits you get too.

 

she replied with this " I will never forget the sex it was amazing" and then said a few things about my manhood that sounded a bit flirty. at no point do i think we would get back together but here is the curve ball, I went to drop off her things at her friends just now and we were chatting, not about her really and this girls boyfriend said how ome you are bringing her stuff and i mentione she was coming back and her friends said yes she is bringing her new boyfriend to england with her!!!! WTF!!!

 

She could have just walked away, she asked to meet me, to see i was ok, on the phone she said she would still be with me if she was still in england and that is the only reason we broke up and then talked about our sex life and all the time she is bringing this new guy back with her.

 

I am so confused and I really did wish her well before even though i wasnt happy she was with a new guy i wished her all the best but any respect I had for her is slowly going away. She has caused me pain and ive still been nice. I just cant stop thinking about her now and it's killing me. why couldnt she just leave me alone? she has moved on and if i had I'm sure i wouldn't be contacting my ex.

[TaraMaiden]

I didnt get in touch she got in touch with me.

No, you did get in touch with her. You should never have called her back.... is what I mean!

 

I'm sorry but im using this as a place to vent. It gets a bit worse now too, I found out that calling italy was quite expensive and my phone call this afternoon will cost me around £50 ($80)

And this was another silly reason to call!

 

This isn't a problem but in one of my replies to her i said god I didn't realise how expensive it was to call italy, she said I used to cost you more when we were together and i replied with yeah but when your a couple there are benefits you get too.

Oh good grief.....!

 

 

she replied with this " I will never forget the sex it was amazing" and then said a few things about my manhood that sounded a bit flirty. at no point do i think we would get back together but here is the curve ball, I went to drop off her things at her friends just now and we were chatting, not about her really and this girls boyfriend said how ome you are bringing her stuff and i mentione she was coming back and her friends said yes she is bringing her new boyfriend to england with her!!!! WTF!!!

There you go - rip the stitches out - just yank them out!

 

She could have just walked away, she asked to meet me, to see i was ok, on the phone she said she would still be with me if she was still in england and that is the only reason we broke up and then talked about our sex life and all the time she is bringing this new guy back with her.

You are sooo the Backburner Guy.....!

 

I am so confused and I really did wish her well before even though i wasnt happy she was with a new guy i wished her all the best but any respect I had for her is slowly going away. She has caused me pain and ive still been nice. I just cant stop thinking about her now and it's killing me. why couldnt she just leave me alone? she has moved on and if i had I'm sure i wouldn't be contacting my ex.

There you go. "Helloooo Square One, here I go again"....

 

Did it never occur to you to follow the No Contact Guide, play it cool and just keep it all to a bare minimum?

FWIW I'm British too, UK-side, and half-Italian....

 

I get it.

[k100danny]

I was following strict no contact and didnt contact her for almost two motnhs, blocked her from facebook and never once got the urge to call or unblock her so i could be nosey. the last time she text i was quite proud of how i handled it. This was a couple of weeks ago, i replied and was polite but nothing else at all and made sure it couldnt turn into a conversation, didnt dwell on it too much and got on with my life.

 

This time when i found out she would be coming back to the city I don't know what happened. we havent seen each other since we broke up and have only spoke on the phone twice right at the very beginning. It just made me so anxious knowing she would be back here, i would never have contacted her again had she not contacted me I fully believe this. I did want to see her but i knew it wasnt for the best and that is why i refused. I know i will feel anxious until she has gone now, and finding out she was bringing some other guy was a shock. Now i kind of knew she started seeing someone soon after we split this is when i went fully no contact but she hadnt mentioned it at all and i didnt ask about her life in that way once.

 

I can understand people not wanting to eel bad so they do things to ease the guilt and not feel like the bad person but I've told her she didn't do anything wrong, I never begged her to come back and she could have done as i asked and walked away. I feel like she has me on a hook now and it's driving me mad.

[TaraMaiden]

No contact.

 

Day one.

[Mike_d]

I was following strict no contact and didnt contact her for almost two motnhs, blocked her from facebook and never once got the urge to call or unblock her so i could be nosey. the last time she text i was quite proud of how i handled it. This was a couple of weeks ago, i replied and was polite but nothing else at all and made sure it couldnt turn into a conversation

 

but we all know that this isn't NC right?

[Decorum]

I feel so bad for this young man, hang in there, make good choices and you will get through this.

 

This young woman is damaged (though she may be very sweet and all) – permanently--unless she takes an active role in her own recovery.

 

You know in your heart that this girl/woman is toxic. I promise you that by the time your children are teenagers you will hate each other and one of you will have cheated (want to know my guess which one?). She is controlling and abusive and that is not healthy. She would emasculate you. It’s a train wreck. She went to “find herself” in Italy, and all she found was your replacement, a guy she can barely communicate with. She asked you how you can get along without sex, obviously she can’t. This DID NOT prepare her for a healthy relationship.

 

You are a man!!! Find your dignity and keep it intact, Take the bigger knowing perspective, be at peace with yourself as you work out your own kinks, we all have them!

 

I admire your ability to reclaim you friendship with your former ex, but you do not have that foundation here, indifference will come, friendship maybe, but don’t fantasize about it.

 

It changed my life 30 years ago when I committed myself to stopping the fantasizing/sublimation whenever I caught myself doing it, no big act of willpower just recognizing when I slipped into it and stopping the thought, leaving it unfinished, and I have never looked back, we are similar you and I.

 

She did not return the watch for a reason; she wanted to give it to you personally.

 

What could the purpose of such a meeting be?

 

1. To blindside you with her new boyfriend- *cruel for whatever reason she would do this.

 

2. To tell you about her new boyfriend (without him being there) herself, to break it to you personally- *ignorant (for a woman her age) to such a level that it begs her need for maturity and growth as said above.

 

3. To make sure (selfishly) you are “ok” to assuage her guilt/ego. *Ignorant See #2 above

 

4. To keep you as a “back burner” boyfriend (my opinion), as mentioned in another post. *Cruel See #1 above. She may realize that the relationship with the boy toy she is showing off can’t last because once he learns to speak a little more English he is not going to let her snip off his nuts and put them in a mason jar. (Do you have them in the UK? Jars that is?) This is also why she was probing you about your sex life. No pun intended!

 

5. To truly boost you ego (hence the “amazing sex” comment) so that you can move on, yeah ok …how noble.

 

Never look for a long term relationship with a woman, who is overtly or covertly,

 

1. Damaged-i.e., broken relationships (just broke up fits here), victim of any kind of abuse or rape, crappy parents, etc

2. Needy- i.e. seeks constant validation/happiness from others, and attention whore

3. Narcissistic- i.e. an extreme preoccupation with themselves. Self-centered and selfish.

 

Yes we all have them in small amounts; you know what I mean, take some time to look for these in a woman you are dating, before you give her you heart. It takes good character and compatible personalities for a relationship to work. See her in multiple settings not just hanging out in bars(or Pubs), past actions are indicative of future behaviors!

 

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:31

 

A parting shot- Remember the wife who said “I have been trying to change my husband for twenty years and he is not the man I married!” You think!

 

May you find your peace! And when you do, sit down in it and don't get up! Sorry for being a little(?) preachy here but I'm hoping it brings a little objectivity.

Edited September 9, 2012 by Decorum

[k100danny]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

 

I am just venting here as even though I knew i wasn't 100% over her I was starting to get to the point this last month that I could just put her out of my mind when she popped up. I already knew she was or had been seeing someone but never asked about it, she was aware I knew though.

 

The thing that has thrown me is she was always picking at something, never seemed happy and blamed other people and was very controlling. But when i spoke to her yesterday she seemed so happy, very happy in where she was in life and she said "rememeber how i always got headaches and was unhappy with things and complaining, well It's different here, im a different person" so this leads me to think she has made the right choice and happiness relly was somewhere else.

 

I am very angry that she got in touch, I am by no means a saint or the best boyfriend in the world but i am supportive and loyal and i give all that i can when i can. I respected she was with someone else and sent her a goodbye message and then i didn't contact her again. I wasn't rude, I said she had made the right choice and that im glad she is happy.

 

I do think she wanted to see me maybe to see if i was ok so she can not feel guilty about it, I don't think she intended to tell me he was here or anything. she said she is sorry that i found out he was coming.

 

after I confronted her last night and said Look I don't want to sound like im picking a fight or argument but what exactly did you want from me? why didn't you just send it back and you would have never had to be in touch again. I told you i was happy for you and wanted you to be happy, I don't need you to check up on me I am a big boy and I am fine. I asked why she had said those things, why she had asked to meet up ect and she just said she didn't know what to say to me but it wasnt how i thought it was with her meeting someone new so quickly.

 

She said when she spoke on the phone to me there was still something there and it brought up feelings, but she contacted me a couple of weeks ago and i could tell she wanted to chat but i stopped that conversation and was proud of myself. she didnt follow through and then contacted me again so I think the previous contact wasnt to tell me she was sending it back I think she just wanted to be in touch for whatever reason.

 

sorry if im boring people I was just starting to feel ok, I have made myself very busy at work and decided it was time to expand my company, just as I am busier than i have ever been I get that text and it takes me off my feet. I was holding it together ok until I knew she was coming back and i think it was wrong of her to get in touch with me. I don't think she will get in touch again after she knows i know about the boyfriend coming ect. I think she will feel too bad to get in touch, I don't need her to feel bad for what she did, she did what was best for her to make her happy and thats fine. I just wish she had not told me she was coming.

[TaraMaiden]

OK, cool.

That's that sorted.

I get it.

WE get it.

 

Now - back to square one and No Contact.

 

see. the reasons, the whys, the rationale - it's all unimportant. Completely and totally immaterial.

The plain fact of the matter is - for whatever reason, she broke No Contact, and you fell into it.

What you should have done was to say to her -

 

"Leave the watch with a buddy.

Please do not contact me any more."

 

But you didn't.

The wound got poked, re-opened and now it all hurts and is bewilderingly, confusingly painful, all over again.

 

I do understand what you're saying, but for all your words, it really isn't of any consequence who contacted, re-contacted, reiterated, stated, said what or when.

NC got broken.

 

Now - fix it.

[Dblock10]

hey man, been following your posts for a while since my ex has done a similar thing (working abroad now etc)

 

i think you did all the right things, very polite etc, genuine guy. but..

 

did you really do anything for yourself? you seem to have focused on her so much, like you say how you said your goodbye to her all nicey nicey etc, but did she do the same for you? no.

 

everything you have said about her is saying that she is selfish, she hasn't and doesn't think about your feelings. like what on earth is this stuff about her new bf. and "its not like that",.. er,, your bring him to the UK.. how is it not like that. and then asking you about sex and all sorts, where is she going with that? other than for you to say how many or who else you have slept with, so maybe she can tell you about her guilty pleasures to?

 

she is trying to ease her guilt, massively. you'd be a fool to elevate it for her.

 

it sounds like, she still has feelings for you, after all you guys never broke up in person there was distance involved etc, so i'm guessing you were LDR? or did you break up before she left?

 

how long were you with her for again?

 

my recent experience in this sort of situation, well my ex was back for a few months and i saw her the week or so before she was due to leave again.. slept together and expressed all the feelings etc but she still left and is happy being single.

 

so yeah id protect yourself on this one as best as you can. there is no point seeing her. it will effect you. but maybe you need to see her to make it real for you. on the other hand i personally wouldn't bother. not with everything she has said and done.

 

its like she is rubbing her new life in your face. she left you behind and moved on a long time ago just like my ex did, then they feel they can come back pick you up and drop you as it suits them.

 

 

@decorum

 

Never look for a long term relationship with a woman, who is overtly or covertly,

 

1. Damaged-i.e., broken relationships (just broke up fits here), victim of any kind of abuse or rape, crappy parents, etc

2. Needy- i.e. seeks constant validation/happiness from others, and attention whore

3. Narcissistic- i.e. an extreme preoccupation with themselves. Self-centered and selfish.

 

Yes we all have them in small amounts; you know what I mean, take some time to look for these in a woman you are dating, before you give her you heart. It takes good character and compatible personalities for a relationship to work. See her in multiple settings not just hanging out in bars(or Pubs), past actions are indicative of future behaviors!

 

 

very interesting and i agree. how do you mean past actions are indicative of future behaviours? example?

[k100danny]

Thanks D

 

We were together just over 7 months while she lived here and then she got a job working away for the summer, she always planned to travel for the summer this was something i knew about. I didn't take her leaving too well and stopped innitiating contact with her when she left and we argued once after her being there about a week and i didnt speak to her for around 5 days and she contacted me saying I think we should split up. I thought she was acting out as she did this quite a bit but we split. I contacted her for a couple of days, never asked her to come back ever. then after a few days i tried NC, she broke it after a week and said she was thinking of me, then again after around another week.

 

I stuck with NC until I found out she deleted me from facebook (i asked her to) and then i sent a polite message asking if she could send back my watch insured so it didnt get lost and that was all. when I was sending a message to a friend I noticed in my inbox (the little side pics) her profile pic had changed and she was with this guy. this is two weeks after she messaged me telling me she was thinking of me everyday ect and this is when I blocked her and I didn't contact her or was even tempted to.

 

6 weeks later she gets in touch and i was proud of how i handled that one. then another two weeks go by and she hits me with the im coming back for two weeks but will be in town for 4-5 days.

 

You're right in what you are saying, I think i have been too nice about the whole thing but it's hard not to be nice when I still loved her. But no she didn't do any of that for me. I never got a full explanation of why it was over, no sorry or anything like that. I expected a letter or something to arrive I had written her once since the split. and it never came. Even now she has offered no explanation to why she got back in touch and we spoke yesterday and exchanged texts and this morning i text her a couple of times and got nothing in return. it feels like she has taken all of the power back and it's left me feeling so weak.

 

That's correct we didn't break up face to face or even really have a full on conversation about it. as i said i didn't think it was for real for the first couple of weeks and then it sank in a bit and then i was hit with the picture. I do think it is mainly down to guilt as to why she wants to see me to make herself feel better about leaving. She isn't keeping me on the back burner I don't think as she has made it clear she wont be moving back to england for a very long time if ever.

 

Thanks to anyone who has offered advice. tara you may not like what i write but you don't have to read it, and judging by your number of posts It seems you have posted a LOT here and im using this as a place to type and put my feeling down rather than contact her again.

 

I'm tempted to message her with a big **** you!!! I mean she can't have any respect for my feelings if she not only get in touch but then once she started contact and telling me you can contact me anytime she has ignored me. I am finding it hard not to care but i really wish I hated her. And for anyone who has read my post you will realise I have plenty of reason to. Being told i am the reason she is getting an abortion because she thinks my anxiety condition would make it hard for me to be a dad. basically being controlling and nasty a lot of the time. calling me names and putting me down when we argued and all this time i treat her like a princess and did what i could so she would never be unhappy.

 

After she had an abortion she had always said she would love to go to a spa for the day. Now this was a stressful period for us both but obviosly more for her so i paid for her to go to a very exclusive one as a gift. she said to me, is that a gift out of guilt for knocking me up, then when we argued she said i don't want your gift.

 

I maybe am a doormat, i fear abandonment and this makes it easy for me to be taken advantage of. I knew i wasnt fully happy but i put her first and blamed myself for her unhappiness. Now im not blaming her for everything, I could have walked away but i didnt, even knowing it probably wouldnt work out. One day hopefully I will meet someone who actually does truly love me because I really doubt from whatever she says that she could have.

[TaraMaiden]

It's not that "I don't like what you write" at all - what I'm trying to convey is that, no matter how much - or how little - you may write, vent, journal or blog - the answer is still the same.

She hurt you, healing wounds were opened, (and how!) and now, sadly you have a hill to climb again.

I'm sorry for that.

But fundamentally, the basic answer to every long post, or short paragraph you submit, is that No Contact has to start, all over again.

 

[k100danny]

I agree NC should be applied from right now. It was so much easier not knowing and her being in another country though. Now I know she is coming back and after our conversation it is hard to get her out of my mind.

 

I totally understand that its most likely that she wants to see me to see there arent any hard feelings and im doing ok so she doesnt feel guilty about what happened. I am being too nice and I have wished her well but truly she rippedd my ****ing heart out and hearing she is so happy made it worse. I was blamed a lot for her unhappiness and often controlled and made to feel guilty. I felt that bad that i would try and cheer her up and do as she wanted. It got to the point where I was happy when she would leave my house and it felt like i could relax again.

 

During the worst parts of being together and arguments I was belittled and put down, called a pussy and i should just be a man and get over my anxiety condition because it isnt a real illness like cancer. I didn't get supported i got told there were certain things I can't do instead of her helping me through it. the worst part was her saying " I am getting rid of this baby and it's your fault!" those exact words, then telling me i was anxious and she didn't want children growing up like that. I adore children and all i have ever wanted is a happy loving family and someone who accepts and supports me and in turn I will be the most loyal person to them. I had a rough time when she left and even before and at times i would just burst into tears even when we were together just thinking of her arguiing with me and saying awful things. I really haven't felt so low as I did at points in that relationship, i was made to feel so small and worthless and yet i seem to have forgotten all of that now and still love her for some reason. Just sat typing this is making me cry and I don't have anyone to turn to.

[TaraMaiden]

See, this is what has happened.

It's like she's taken a long stick, and stirred the pond and made muddy, rank, smelly waters, all over again.

You have to calm yourself, let the mud settle, and "find your centre" once more.

Things will be clear again soon, you'll be fine....

But really, you must protect yourself.

And - forgive me for saying so - but in a way, you're churning up your own waters now, by going over history, and using it, like lemon juice, to squeeze into your painful, open gaping wound.

Just typing that, hurts....

 

Please try to let things go, for a moment.

go out for a walk, clear your head, be still.

If possible, go for a long drive, even, and go somewhere you love being.

Turn your computer off, and get yourself away from reading this thread.

It's just full of bitterness....

So not good for you.

all you're doing now, is causing your own pain.

You're not venting, you're re-awakening feelings.

see?

 

Day one.

All over again.

[Decorum]

Dblock10,

 

I guess that was a little cryptic, it’s a play on words from an investment disclaimer. What I mean is that good character over say a person’s lifetime is a good indicator of future behavior. People develop when they are impressionable i.e. when they are young or facing hardships, some make very little progress otherwise. Examples, is he or she a player, red flag obviously. Its sounds corny but how did the fellow treat his Mom, good indicator. Most people have some strengths, but what have they struggled with? Find that out and don’t minimize it, Porn? Drugs? Theft? Excessive Promiscuity?, Gossip? Cheating?. Unfortunately the youth culture today stresses superficial values that often become the basis for evaluations of a future mate. What is a person giving them self to that is of value, something that actually costs them something, caring for an ill loved one. I have a niece who for years has stopped by my Mom's place (she is 87) and takes her shopping (brings tears to my eyes) and to dinner, she works with the emt rescue service and volunteers elsewhere, (she also plays rugby) she is a very pretty young lady, very strong too. Look for someone who is exceptional in character. Not just someone who flirts well is fun to go out with and is cute.

 

Young men and women should have a sense of calling by the time they are in their mid-teens, granted as screwed up as this world is that is often not going to happen. But where ever you are rekindle that calling follow it and find someone going that same way. Having said that it seems a law of relationships that we tend to draw to us people who correspond to us. That’s why it important to keep growing as a person. Opposites attract. It a standard line among marriage counselors that the things that draw us together eventually push us apart, it is a test we have to pass in a relationship, and sometimes life brings a perfect storm that challenges our relationship at these very points. Ouch!

 

K100danny,

 

I understand now, when I first read you post my heart went out to you, maybe I said too much. With all those thoughts in your head it’s hard to hear what someone else is saying. You are rehashing everything trying to find your equilibrium again, you do feel like you wish you could turn to someone, I hope your burden gets lighter, and it will with discipline and time. So take the advice shut off the computer and get some healthy diversion.

I will tell you this, within our souls there is 1Volition 2 mentality and 3 emotion. And women have a unique ability to speak out of all three in connected paragraphs, and this can sound quite contradictory, but they just happen to have full use of both hemispheres. An example would be, You want to go out with you friends, you know she wants you work on the house, but she says, I think you should go, and then she is mad you did. I will not drag this on, but she wanted you to "want" to work on the house but she did not want to get blamed for ruining you weekend. If you listen carefully you can often tell who is talking, I think = mentality, I want = Volition, I hope/like = emotion, Mind, Will, and Emotion, this is often the source of mixed signals for men. That is why a woman can have her mind completely made up that she is done with you and still have feelings for you, they are just more consciously aware of the state of these three faculties. That is why it sometimes seems that a woman just throws a switch and BLINK she is different. I saw this up-close with a very close friend of mine and his wife some years ago. I worked with both of them and when she was done with him that was that, very sad. (ea, pa and big D).]

 

Now that I'm saying too much again, you need to give it a rest with your concern for her happiness, that is her responsibility and you are not a better person for obsessing over it, though you are a good bloke for wishing her well as from one human being to another, but be impartial about it. You are a very accomplished person and I give you high marks for your endeavors. You are just hurting and vulnerable now so make your peace and purpose your concern.

 

BTW she is living the dream, but dreams only last so long, I promise. She didn’t find happiness there it’s just an experience; a face book picture that one day will be taken down and replaced with another. I have a fairly difficult life, but give me six month in a new and interesting area with a hot passionate lover on a beach and I would come back quite refreshed feeling like a new man ( not that I looking for that, I am content, just trying to make a point). Don’t be so provincial.

 

Well I have been up for more than 24 hrs so I need to lay my head on a pillow. Honestly I have never posted much anywhere, I’m old enough to not have been young enough when all this forummania began so if I need to re-address something I said with a clearer head I would be glad to at another time.

Take care all

Edited September 9, 2012 by Decorum
Format

[k100danny]

Thank you for all of your replies

 

I do understand that i needed to take a breath and just look at things again. i think the contact with her reignited something that wasnt as much feelings of love but anxiety at speaking to her which is obviouly the same physiological feeling as excitement.

 

I was not doing too bad and i think she was out of line to say some of the things she said but i do understand that she must have felt guilty and this is what could have made her initiate contact for a second time after getting nowhere the first. Now im not claiming to be a saint in relationships and the thing you mentioned about women talking from three different places have also been guilty of. when my ex was ready to leave for the summer she said she would stay if i wanted her to but i didnt want to be the one responsible for her missing out on that experience so I said i don't want you not to go i want you to either want to stay or go if that is what will make you happy. But when she did leave i was angry and acted out.

 

taking the time today to go over things in my mind I feel slightly more clearer, I went into panic mode and thought I needed to speak to her which obviously isn't the case, I didn't want to contact her before an the fact she is coming back for a few days shouldnt affect if i want to see her or not.

 

 

I will try not to contact her again and I think you are right about me being obbsessed with her being happy, I wanted her to be happy with me and although i don't wish her unhappiness or anything bad I don't actually care about her happiness im just being the nice guy which i shouldnt have to be, i've been nice enough and proved im not a bad guy I think.

 

 

I think acceptance of who the person actually is is the hardest part, accepting they didnt actually feel the way they said or the fact you may have been manipulated so you tell yourself they must have loved you. I think she cared but I don't think that was love. If it was then I feel sorry for her new guy if she acts the same way, she may say she is happy but ive heard she has been like this not only in relationships romantically but with friends also so like you say, one day the holiday will come to the end and wherever she is will end up being the norm and happiness levels will return to baseline. This is a proven thing in psychology and i found it very interesting that often people think moving to another place is what will make them happy, moving to another job or winning a lot of money but after around 6 months in that place, with that money or in that job you will return to pretty much how you were and unless you have actually changed within yourself nothing will have a lasting effect on your happiness.

 

well as i say thank you for your replies and support. I do feel slightly stronger now and i realise that i just started to panic like so many do when a relationship ends in the beginning, Because i didn't get a real ending to the relationship then maybe it came out now who knows.

 

I will try and stay out of her way while she is here, I don't know if i will regret never seeing her again because the last time i saw her we were together but i definitely think it could do more harm than good. hopefully she will see that it wasnt easy for me and respect that and stay away from me and not contact me.

[Decorum]

Bravo K100danny, you have real depth, you know the healthy paths, walk in your peace and take care.

[Dblock10]

@ de hmm this means my ex was a saint lol. she looked after her sick member of the family for months living away from home to do so.

 

k1 you sound pretty level headed, a very good trait to have in times like these