Complicated Issue after breakup: Terminally ill Sister....

[steveblack]

Long story short, i got dumped, but it was somewhat a mutual thing. Our futures didn't match up, and she said she wasnt happy (needed to be a lone). I took it like a man, stopped talking to her and havent contacted her for a bit of time. She is 27 I am 30. 3 yr relationship

 

 

So I am over 3 months of NC until yesterday. My life is beginning to change and I am starting to feel like I am turning the page on things. I started 'seeing' someone and we seem to have a lot of common.

 

All the advice on here has helped a lot!

 

Last night I was out at a party and I ran into my Ex's good friends. We started chatting about why he hasn't seen me around and I said I wanted to give both of us space. blah blah.

 

He then drops a bomb that she hasn't been in town for 6 weeks because she is tending to her terminal ill sister in a different state. I started talking to another mutual friend and said she (meaning the friend) should of told me earlier.

 

So I called, and we chatted about what was going on for 2 hours. It wasn't tough, because we didn't talk about us, we talked about what was going on, I felt like a friend.

 

It was uncomfortable to say the least, but I was there. I asked I am there if she needs me (which might of been wrong) but I really didn't know what to do. She asked me to call her occasionally and send her an email here and there.

 

She said she was beginning to wonder why I havent contacted her.

 

By her nature, and I know the way she is, I was the last person she would want to rely on regarding this. All that being said, she never contacted me.

 

 

I know what everyone will say here go back the NC! NC! NC! which i know is right for a normal breakup, but I dont know about this. (but what is a normal breakup eh?)

 

I am so over her being there like a bf, but is there a passive way to give her support that does not compromise my own healing?

 

Any advice would be great

[geegirl]

There's nothing normal or abnormal about a break-up. It's a break-up. No matter how it happens, it's riddled with pain and confusion. NC is a tool to help you detach emotionally and move on, if that is what you want. Dabble here, dabble there will always keep you in limbo, if you are still emotionally invested.

 

Support would entail you having communication with her. If communication doesn't affect you, then support her. If it does, I don't believe there is a passive way to be there for her. And if it affects you, then you have to decide if your healing is priority or if it's a hidden motive to have one foot in the door, for hope's sake. You have to decide what you can handle.

 

I'm sure she has friends and family to support her. I'm sure she will understand if you told her that while you want to be there for her, you're still nursing a broken heart and can't be in contact with her.

 

Your well being is your responsibility and priority.

[steveblack]

There's nothing normal or abnormal about a break-up. It's a break-up. No matter how it happens, it's riddled with pain and confusion. NC is a tool to help you detach emotionally and move on, if that is what you want. Dabble here, dabble there will always keep you in limbo, if you are still emotionally invested.

 

Support would entail you having communication with her. If communication doesn't affect you, then support her. If it does, I don't believe there is a passive way to be there for her. And if it affects you, then you have to decide if your healing is priority or if it's a hidden motive to have one foot in the door, for hope's sake. You have to decide what you can handle.

 

I'm sure she has friends and family to support her. I'm sure she will understand if you told her that while you want to be there for her, you're still nursing a broken heart and can't be in contact with her.

 

Your well being is your responsibility and priority.

 

 

To be honest the foot in the door (hope) is out the window. There would be a lot of rebuilding and repairing before anything like that would happen (and I am not ready for it either, I need my time).

 

If I KNOW that the relationship is done.... And it feels good dating another person (to be honest).

 

I want to be a bigger man and just be there with no attachment and be compassionate for her (thank you two buddhist books). But that is tough.

[geegirl]

I want to be a bigger man and just be there with no attachment and be compassionate for her (thank you two buddhist books). But that is tough.

 

I think now is the best time to be an emotionally smart man rather than a bigger man and decide if your priorities are to heal or to look good in her eyes.

 

The relationship can be done and it can be hopeless but if you believe contact could possibly still derail you or delay your healing, then you have to do what's right for you.

 

If you can be compassionate with no attachments, great. If you can be compassionate while you struggle with an attachment, not great.

[steveblack]

If you can be compassionate with no attachments, great. If you can be compassionate while you struggle with an attachment, not great.

 

I guess this is the question I need to figure out.

 

Thanks Gee

[steveblack]

So. Since our conversation, I have texted her maybe 2 times, and called her once. She has only responded with a email saying thanks for calling things are ok.

 

There was a big operation yesterday that will finalize a lot. I texted saying call me if you need anything to no response.

 

I think I will call her today and that will be it.

 

This is very hard to navigate.

[geegirl]

So. Since our conversation, I have texted her maybe 2 times, and called her once. She has only responded with a email saying thanks for calling things are ok.

 

There was a big operation yesterday that will finalize a lot. I texted saying call me if you need anything to no response.

 

I think I will call her today and that will be it.

 

This is very hard to navigate.

 

It's not hard to navigate. It's very clear. It's hard to navigate because you're emotional, hopeful and in denial.

 

Her lack of communication is telling you something. You already told her if she needs anything to let you know. Mean what you say and let that be. Stop beating a dead horse.

[steveblack]

It's not hard to navigate. It's very clear. It's hard to navigate because you're emotional, hopeful and in denial.

 

Her lack of communication is telling you something. You already told her if she needs anything to let you know. Mean what you say and let that be. Stop beating a dead horse.

 

 

You are probably 100% right. I am emotional I will say, but I am not hopeful or in denial about the relationship.

 

I am hopeful to be in each others lives later in life. (is this stupid?)

 

So if I tried to be there for her during this awful time, and she doesn't want to contact me, I can at least hold me head up high and say well i tried to be there to maintain something. If she doesn't want it now or ever so be it.

 

 

I think I will call tonight and that will be it.

[steveblack]

So I called left a message and she responded via email. I have emailed her a total number of 4 times in 3 weeks just to lend her support. She has never contacted me, Nor give me any sort of an update about what is going on.

 

Feeling like this is a one way street, which is fine when it comes to death and coping. My ex is very indirect with her needs, and has always been a guessing game to figure stuff out.

 

The last email I just sent a picture of something funny (which she asked for in the conversation ) and she responded with:

 

"lol everything is as ok as it could be"

 

She has made it 100% clear that she does not want to open up to me anymore and would rather talk to random strangers than me. I think that kind of hurts the most.

 

 

 

Yeah back to NC for me. I have put my self out there as much as I can, now it back to healing.

[Balzac]

Best decision you can make. Moving on is the task.