drakewrites Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I was with my girlfriend for about 2 weeks before we broke up. We were friends for a while before that, though, and she ended up going out of town. When she was out of town, we were on Skype, and I noticed her laughing about something. I asked her what, and she pasted me a conversation between her and this guy on FaceBook. It was something along the lines of him saying things like, "When we gonna ****? What do I have to do to **** you? You know you want me... Jk jk, you know I'm just kidding with you!" She replied and said things like, "I have a boyfriend, are you serious? You're not very smooth..." etc. Now, at the time I just remained calm and didn't say anything. We were having a good time on Skype, and I was about to go to bed. I've been known for getting too emotional here and there in relationships and acting childish, immature, etc, so I just didn't reply to the convo she pasted, and tried to evaluate what action I should take, if any. Plus, I didn't think the conversation was that bad, since she said she had a boyfriend, so I didn't say anything, but then she told me that once this guy told her if she ****ed him, he'd get her into clubs. Then I just went off, mentally. I asked her to un-friend him, and she said no, that he was just joking. She had to get off the computer then, and I was left with feeling a variety of feelings. I let her know I was upset, and she was like, "Whatever". I was mad because this guy talked to her like this. Confused as to why my girlfriend would even be friends with some guy like this. I was also slightly upset that my gf wouldn't un-friend someone if I asked her too, and a few more feelings. Obviously, as a guy I know guys don't say that to just joke around. He was very persistent, so I know he probably wants her to some degree. I'm not stupid. Now, my ex-gf has a LOT of guy friends, and I had no problem with that. But she told me that she has a LOT of guy friends that talk to her that way. That did upset me, a bit. I just didn't feel it was right for a guy to talk to my girl like this, even if we were together just two weeks. I might have acted rash in asking him to un-friend him, but I wanted her to at least tell him not to talk to her like this. Turns out, she did say something in the conversation like that (but I didn't find out until later) like, "Don't talk like that to me, I ain't no ho." However, at the time I only saw a small part of the conversation, and she told me about the club thing, so that's why I was so upset. I didn't feel she really defended herself appropriately. I didn't see the whole conversation, though, just the first few lines. That night I got really upset and wrote a long letter to her explaining in the nicest, best way possible that I didn't want guys talking like that to her. I communicate my feelings best through writing, so that's what I did. I explained that I didn't want guys talking to her like that, period, that it made me feel uncomfortable, etc. I explained I know how guys are, and he probably meant it to some degree. She responded by getting really upset, saying I had no right to send her this letter after just two weeks. We got into a big fight, (our first fight, too), because she wanted space, and I wanted to talk about it. She kept saying it wasn't a big deal, that all her guy friends talk like that to her, that it's just her humor, etc. I didn't understand, and I kept wanting to talk about it and figure out a solution. But she just wanted space, so we kept the pressure up until suddenly I found myself breaking up with her out of fear of getting hurt more in the future. My question is this, what is the correct behavior of a boyfriend in moments like that? Obviously, if a guy spoke like that to her in person, I would have been very upset. Should I take things differently like that if it's on FaceBook? My feelings after 2 weeks since the breakup are that I definitely reacted in a bad way, that I shouldn't have exploded by writing a long letter, I should have given her space to some degree, maybe not even get upset at all, etc. But I'm more concerned with her behavior. I just don't understand why she would be friends with a guy like that, period. She said he helped her out once and is a good friend, but if he treats her like that consistently, why would any self-respecting woman allow it? I want a woman that is a lady. That doesn't let guys talk like that to her, period. I want a woman is respected by her male friends, not treated in a sexual way. I reacted poorly, I think, but I'm wondering how I should handle that kind of thing in the future. What if my future girlfriend gets treated like that on FaceBook again? Or in person? What if the guy says he is joking? What if my gf is okay with it as long as he says he is joking? What if she says she has a lot of guy friends like that? I just don't know if I over-reacted or if I was acting how any boyfriend would. I definitely want a girlfriend that doesn't allow that kind of talk, period, but I also don't know if that's me expecting too much.
Gab09 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Hey drake, I just want to let you know that in my opinion. You did not over react. If her guy friends treat her like that, they do because she allows them to.. And maybe even corresponded to a certain degree. Imagine you guys are dating for 2-3 months. All of a sudden you guys break up and she goes out partying with her "guy friends".. She's all messed up and they start "joking around" with her that way.. What do you think could happen? A person like that you shouldn't bother for, if she really really cared she would of tried to fix things or cut that person off, leaving it as an example. 1
Author drakewrites Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Hey drake, I just want to let you know that in my opinion. You did not over react. If her guy friends treat her like that, they do because she allows them to.. And maybe even corresponded to a certain degree. Imagine you guys are dating for 2-3 months. All of a sudden you guys break up and she goes out partying with her "guy friends".. She's all messed up and they start "joking around" with her that way.. What do you think could happen? A person like that you shouldn't bother for, if she really really cared she would of tried to fix things or cut that person off, leaving it as an example. Wow, thank you so much. I didn't think about it that way. I guess the line on whether I did the right thing or not got blurry at some point. I always doubt my actions, and try to stand back from myself as far as possible. If you think I did the right thing, and didn't over-react, then I'm very happy. And you're right. She didn't try to fix things, she just got angry with me and wanted space. She also didn't cut off the friendship with that guy. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize she made me feel bad for the reaction I had. Maybe that's why I keep looking for approval that I did the right thing, as well. She made me feel pretty awful for getting upset about the issue, so I keep doubting myself, wondering if I am just crazy. Thanks. A lot. What did you mean though by, '...leaving it as an example'? Edited September 4, 2012 by drakewrites
SadPanda22 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 No, you did not overreact. The way he was talking to your gf was gross, it was way inappropriate. If you spoke to your female friends like that how would she feel? Even if you were only "joking?" It's inappropriate and disrespectful. Period. My male friends don't speak to me that way. My ex would have flipped his sh*t if I "joked" with my male friends in that manner. If this happens again in the future with another girl (I really hope it doesn't), I would handle it the same way you did this time. Let her know how it makes you feel. Someone who cares about you will respect your feelings and not engage in behavior that makes you upset or uncomfortable. 1
Author drakewrites Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 No, you did not overreact. The way he was talking to your gf was gross, it was way inappropriate. If you spoke to your female friends like that how would she feel? Even if you were only "joking?" It's inappropriate and disrespectful. Period. My male friends don't speak to me that way. My ex would have flipped his sh*t if I "joked" with my male friends in that manner. If this happens again in the future with another girl (I really hope it doesn't), I would handle it the same way you did this time. Let her know how it makes you feel. Someone who cares about you will respect your feelings and not engage in behavior that makes you upset or uncomfortable. That's what I thought, too! I have a ton of friends that are girls, and I don't ever speak to them in that kind of manner. That's why I was so shocked to see some guy talk to her like that... especially her being totally okay with it since he said he was 'joking'. That last paragraph... seriously I appreciate it so much. I've been confused for a week or so, but you telling me that that's the same way I should handle it again with another girl, by telling her my feelings, is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much.
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