Should I show my ex GIGS?

[mistermr]

I am wondering if I should tell my ex about GIGS to see if she can relate?

 

When we first broke up, she could not give me or herself a solid answer as to why she wanted to leave.

 

I'll try and briefly tell you my story.

 

I [m27] was with my ex-gf [24 soon to be 25] for 4.5 years. We lived together for 4 years. We were very happy and would often talk about the future, although both of us were slightly jaded by our own parents divorces and regrets. So we'd both proceed in these conversations with caution but nonetheless we still talked about a future together quite frequently.

 

Nearly 2 months ago she slept with a co-worker at a party. Two days later she confessed. I dumped her and came back home to give us both space. Even though I had dumped her, I wanted a cooling off period. So to me the "dumping" wasn't final. Some of her last words to me in person were "It's just a break, it's just a break...".

 

Three days after that I try and contact her. She informs me that she is with the guy she cheated on. This guy is someone she has had a crush on for awhile, she promises me that she never thought she would act on those impulses and I believe her her intentions were true, just timing and alcohol got in the way. I even read through her texts and could see the relationship develop from that party until this point, so nothing happened before that event.

 

So at this stage I get angry. I slur her Facebook page with words like "WHORE!" it was my only way of retaliation being so FAR away from her. She deletes them and after a few days, we are back on talking terms.

 

For the past two months, I have contacted her pretty much everyday in some form. When we talk on the phone I end up being too emotional, either angry, upset or sad. On rare occasions we have had a "nice" chat where we joke and laugh but that has been VERY rare.

 

She's still seeing this guy and she is completely honest with me about almost everything. She even confessed this guy admitted to being a commitment phobe. To which I can only interpret as a ticking time bomb! (Co-worker/commitmentphobe/rebound)

 

I've obviously told her to take a second look at her situation, regardless of anything it has to do with me. And I know she knows but she is going in full steam anyway. She claims she wants to take it slow but it's rather too convenient that he also has commitment issues. Anyway, that is up to her to discover if it's a good move or not.

 

She's a smart person who works with and has interests in psychology and all things related.

 

I think she's still confused. Reading about GIGS definitely gave me some perspective. It's still hard to deal with but I'm no longer wanting to keep asking her questions constantly, which in turn makes NO CONTACT a helluva lot easier.

 

She always expressed doubts about being in one relationship for the rest of her life, I could relate to that too as she was my first (everything!). So I've never really been angry at the way she feels.

 

She tells me she still loves me and I still love her. I'm finding it harder to cope because I don't have the distraction of a rebounding relationship. But I still believe she is having a hard time too. On the surface she is having fun/partying more. But I can hear the frustration in her voice, it's very faint but after so many years you can pick up on your loved ones vulnerabilities. I can't answer for her but I believe she has got herself into a situation where she now has to convince herself it was the right choice.

 

I'm just wondering if I show her this GIGS thing. She may find some peace in her mind too?

 

She gets angry when I try to analyse her behaviour (and rightfully so). Because it was so sudden how events occurred, I'm kept telling her she isn't thinking straight, she is panicking and has ran to the exit without consideration.

 

She promises me that she had not emotionally/mentally broken up with me before she had cheated. I believe her and I felt her love and happiness everyday. But it was the timing and a opportunity and she took it.

 

I'm trying NO CONTACT but it can be hard when you lived with someone for so many years. There are too many strings to tie up, concerning bills and other little things I keep remembering about.

 

I would love to get back with her one day. But realistically I know that's not probable. Plus, I still hold resent over what she did and is still doing, even if I can explain it with GIGS, I still hurts me.

 

You're probably wondering why I would want to show her GIGS, why the hell should I care what she thinks?

 

Well, I suppose if she could relate to it as much as I could then maybe it will give her a push in the right direction? That direction being me haha.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post, although I'm sure you're used to them.

 

Thanks!

[Crila16]

Your ex doesn't have gigs. The reason she couldn't tell give you a solid answer as to why she wanted to leave, was because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. It's tough telling someone "I just don't love you or want to be with you anymore."

 

She does love you, but she doesn't sound like she's in love with you. I don't think she's in love with this other guy either. GIGS is just an excuse and I see it used a lot on this site. I guess then I've had the GIGS when I'm not that into a guy...and the GIGS tend to go completely away when I am, and all I want to do is be with him.

 

She doesn't have the GIGS. She's just keeping you around until something better comes along.

[mistermr]

Your ex doesn't have gigs. The reason she couldn't tell give you a solid answer as to why she wanted to leave, was because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. It's tough telling someone "I just don't love you or want to be with you anymore."

 

But she is painfully honest with me about every other detail. I've pushed her right to the edge with her inhibitions where my feelings don't matter and she still insists she didn't know why.

 

She says the met someone new and wanted to try it with him. Ouch! I should probably take that as someone who doesn't love me yeah? Well what about all the stuff she talked about days before she cheated? The future plans, her love for me, the passionate sex we've always had?

 

Which one do I believe? Which one is stronger, a long loving relationship or a brief encounter?

[Crila16]

I've been her before. I've been that one in her shoes...and I've had it done to me in reverse.

 

People talk when they're in the moment. She felt close to you, at that moment. You can't ever listen to what people say...it's their actions you have to watch. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

If this girl wants to try and explore other options, it's because she's not in love with you. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you and care about you...but she's not able to love you in the way you want. You love her...do you want to explore other options? Whenever I'm in love, I only want to be with that one person. It's really that simple. We tend to overthink it.

 

I just know when I'm in love...and from everyone I've ever seen in love, they would never want to mess it up and certainly wouldn't break up with the person they were in love with. Not for anything. It just doesn't happen.

[mistermr]

I suppose you're right but **** me it hurts.

 

My ideal situation right now would be to continue with my own life and if there's any chance of reconciliation, then great. It's very hard to imagine that possibility and not create hope from it.

 

How can I accept both? Is it just NOT a possibility? Nothings impossible though. So where do I go from there?

 

Does GIGS have NOTHING to do with this then?

 

I can't believe if I stood in front of her RIGHT NOW that she wouldn't feel the same IN LOVE with me that she once felt. I haven't been face-to-face with her in 2 months.

 

I can't deny that when you're IN LOVE you are blinded to the rest of the would. But surely this is just an event/a chapter. The story hasn't ended yet. It's been two months. Her lust has clouded her judgement much like a drug would an addict.

[Crila16]

I'm not saying that the girl may not realize you are a catch and way better than the loser she's with now. It has happened, and it's been known to happen.

 

I think GIGS usually exists when someone (X) has been involved with someone (Y) for a long time, that X ends it with Y and Y has no choice but move on. So Y moves on and eventually meet someone (Z) who's so good for them...and he realizes she's/he's really great...but can't get X out of his/her head. Then X comes back and he ditches Z for X...only to realize, X wasn't as great as he originally thought.

 

The GIGS also only comes into play, when you're really just not in love with any of the people involved. That's why you can't decide...and one day you like this one more...and the next day you like the other one more...until you meet "THE ONE" that you just can't be without. Then you just don't want to be anywhere but with that one person.

 

I don't mean to be harsh or mean...just truthful with you. I'm not saying she won't swing back to you as some point and think you're the better option at the moment, but she'll most likely stray again and then you'll have egg on your face.

 

I know it hurts...I know you're hearts breaking...I've been there one too many times to be able to even keep track. It will fade, it will get better...you will meet your princess. This flakey girl...she's just not good enough for you. You need to allow yourself to find what you really want and need. This girl is just too wishy washy and you're too good for this and too good of a catch to just sit around and wait for someone unworthy of someone so fabulous, that he'd actually take the time to write on a love blog, because he has such a great heart with a lot of love to give.

[mistermr]

Thanks, I appreciate your honesty.

 

It hurts the most and the regret comes from the fact that I thought I knew my ex so well. I was so involved in her life, that it felt like it was part of mine. She shared her deepest, darkest secrets with me and I did with her. She understood me and I really can't imagine going through all that again.

 

I suppose everyone feels like that at at least one point in their life when they've been with someone long enough. It's just odd to carry that around and at some point having to dump it because it doesn't matter any more. Everything about her, her hopes and dreams, her favourite things from songs to pair of socks. All of that I just has to toss away. It's really hard to comprehend.

 

All those memories and good times I shared with her mean nothing any more if I can't look back with someone to reflect upon them with. It's like writing a book that only I will read. What's the point? I don't mean to sound so cynical lol. It's just that what it feels like when I have to accept that we are no more.

[Crila16]

Like I said, I'm not saying she doesn't love and care about you. She may just be young and needs to explore other options. I'm just saying that right now...at the moment, she's not in love with you. If she were, she wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Think about it.

 

A little advice...if you want to even see if maybe she'll miss you when you're gone and realize what she had with you...then you need to NC. NC is really the best thing on this site that people discuss. I absolutely hate the GIGS excuse. people on this site use it way to frequently as a reason to why someone does not want to be with them.

 

If it makes you feel better...I had a guy who kept breaking up with me and treated me poorly for years. Finally I stood up for myself and did the NC. He came running back, pledging his undying love for me. 10 years later, he's still trying to get me back. I can't stand him now, yet I was soooo in love with him at one time.

 

The point is...no one knows what could happen. This girl may wake up, or maybe you'll be walking down the street and meet someone else who will blow your sox off. Either way...it doesn't matter, because you will be happy again. The bad stuff is only temporary. That I can promise. In all the years you have left on this earth, you will be in love again, you will hold a woman in your arms and be completely happy, you will most likely get married and have children. Then in the future, you'll want to go back to the past (which is your current present) and smack yourself for being sad and depressed, only to have it work out just fine.

[mistermr]

Then in the future, you'll want to go back to the past (which is your current present)

 

Great Scott!

 

Well in return for your great advice, can I just say you've done a pretty good job of giving a guy the cold hard truth whilst cheering him up at the same time. Thank you.

 

All those memories and good times I talk about, would be great if I could share them again with her one day. Even as a friend. I know that will take a long time. But I am not a grudge holder and hopefully the point of NO CONTACT will mean by the time I'm over her, no hard feelings will persist and we can be friends once again.

[Crila16]

Oh good. I hope I did help. I don't like to candy coat things, which some people don't like very much.

 

I actually was so depressed when I was younger over my ex who broke my heart...that now, I seriously want to go back to the past and smack my younger self for wasting all the time I did. I missed out on so much being depressed over him, dating other guys, nights out with friends...only to have him chasing me 10 years later and I can't get rid of him. Life can change at the turn of a dime...is the saying.

 

I've been chatting with one of the other posters. You should read his story. He actually has GIGS. His ex dumped him for another guy, and months later wants him back. He's got another girl and was actually thinking about ditching his awesome new gf for the ex. Now the ex is acting a little psycho, and he's realizing the new girl is 100 times better.

 

It's success stories like this that make you realize, don't sweat the small stuff.

[Hobbit]

I feel for you mistermr, I really do. Im in a similar boat

 

Id like to say thankyou to Crila16, your posts have put my mind at ease about a lot of my concerns / issues too

[Crila16]

I'm glad Hobbit. I'll check out your post next.