Ex started dating best friend and we all work together. How to handle this?

[danderson3]

ey,

 

My ex of 10 months and I broke up and less than a week later she started dating my then best friend. They started doing it behind my back and denied it for a while, he even promised that he would never do anything like that. Sure enough they were both lying and I found out.

 

The messed up thing is we all work at the same place and I have to see them all the time. It can be really hard. The betrayal from both of them is what really stings. Needless to say things at work can be very uncomfortable, I try to ignore them both but it isn't easy when parts of your job means being around them for 7 hours a day. I also get the feeling she overly flirts with him in front of me to try and get a reaction.

 

I don't know how to handle the situation, I don't want to get back with her in anyway or have either of them in my life. But I am finding it very hard to move on and heal, when they are in my face all week long. Does anyone have any advice or anything that's helped them in a similar situation?

[Mike_d]

your "best friend" certainly doesn't consider you a "best friend". you need to find better friends. cut them both from your life, do your best, it's all you can do at the moment. if finding a new job is possible then do so.

[TaraMaiden]

i know it's an extremely hard lesson to absorb, but - people affect us because we let them affect us.

You're permitting yourself to be vulnerable, and letting their behaviour infringe on your mental state.

 

Let's take it up a notch:

Pretend you're Hilary Clinton, your husband's arguably the most powerful man on the planet - and you know he's a serial cheater. in fact, it's so public, that you'd have to be living in a cave to not know every single sordid, awful, nasty, deceitful thing he's done - it's all over the papers, and everyboy who can string three words together, hear, see and think - knows about it.

how do you think that made HER feel?

 

But her dignity spoke volumes about her.

People may not like her, her politics or what she stands for - but I don't think anybody could ever criticise her reaction to all the sordid scandals, and her public face.

 

in a nutshell;

you may be dying the death of a thousand cuts inside - but outside, you have to project that you absolutely give a damn.

Let them carry on.

People are human, this goes on al the time.

This shows character.

Theirs - and yours.

 

this WILL pass, and one day, I promise you, you'll shrug your shoulders looking back on this, and "meh, well, that's the way it went."

 

But you have to adopt, and give yourself that mind-set, NOW.

It's the biggest favour you could do yourself.

And will do much to bring you much-needed relief.

[danderson3]

Thank you for the reply. Yes regrettably I have let it affect me much more than I ever thought it would.

 

I'll take your advice onboard, I have been getting better but the I'll have really bad days where I just get angry and upset. It's the feeling of powerlessness that gets to me, in that they are happy about what they did and don't give two hoots about how they treated me a supposed friend. Then they rub it in my face it creates a very stressful environment for me at work and social events as we share a lot of the same friends.

 

Well hopefully with this mindset you've suggested it will help me get over it a lot quicker, cause i'm sick of being a depressed sad sack.

[2muchlove]

My friend,

 

a similar thing happened with my most recent ex.

 

She and my then best friend/roommate went behind my back and got drunk with each other at my friend's birthday and then went off denying anything happened after lying to me about where they were and what they were doing later on in the evening when her and I made plans.

 

To this day I don't know if anything really happened other than the fact they lied to me. But it's not something I let bother me anymore. (and I still live with the guy until next week) Unfortunately after that I still wanted to make things work with her.

 

I wish I had the advice of some people on here during the month I was trying to make it work with her. I would have been much further a lot quicker.

[oracle]

i know it's an extremely hard lesson to absorb, but - people affect us because we let them affect us.

You're permitting yourself to be vulnerable, and letting their behaviour infringe on your mental state.

 

Let's take it up a notch:

Pretend you're Hilary Clinton, your husband's arguably the most powerful man on the planet - and you know he's a serial cheater. in fact, it's so public, that you'd have to be living in a cave to not know every single sordid, awful, nasty, deceitful thing he's done - it's all over the papers, and everyboy who can string three words together, hear, see and think - knows about it.

how do you think that made HER feel?

 

But her dignity spoke volumes about her.

People may not like her, her politics or what she stands for - but I don't think anybody could ever criticise her reaction to all the sordid scandals, and her public face.

 

in a nutshell;

you may be dying the death of a thousand cuts inside - but outside, you have to project that you absolutely give a damn.

Let them carry on.

People are human, this goes on al the time.

This shows character.

Theirs - and yours.

 

this WILL pass, and one day, I promise you, you'll shrug your shoulders looking back on this, and "meh, well, that's the way it went."

 

But you have to adopt, and give yourself that mind-set, NOW.

It's the biggest favour you could do yourself.

And will do much to bring you much-needed relief.

 

 

Well put, I could not agree more.

 

If you haven't read my thread at the top of the section, do so.

 

And let me add this piece to my story.

 

At the beginning of my separation my ex became buddy buddy.. very close with the 18yo sexually confused bus boy working for us. He lived down the street from us and my ex would pick him up for work and drive him home at night.. They would go for lunch and go out for drive thru milk shakes on the way home. There was definitely something more to it going on it seemed. The kid would follow him around like a puppy. I was going thru some other nuts stuff to.. but ya it was BRUTAL to have to witness 5 days a week and I had to keep the appearances up to my staff and family that everything was more or less OK.

 

You are stronger than you think, and you can get thru anything.

[TaraMaiden]

.....

Well hopefully with this mindset you've suggested it will help me get over it a lot quicker, cause i'm sick of being a depressed sad sack.

 

This - is important: Being sick and tired, of feeling sick and tired.

 

This may sound like a whole load of psychobabble, but ...

 

Ok, (run with me on this one....) you know how toothache can make you feel irritable, and all you can do is focus on the pain in your head?

Or backache... you just feel a notch below par, because it can be debilitating....and it makes you feel down in the dumps? You know how any indication of physical pain, can make you feel mentally miserable.... Yes?

 

That is physical pain, affecting your mind-set.

You feel physically unwell, and your mind follows suit.

 

If you were to visit a hospice, or a hospital wing with long-term patients suffering from life-threatening illnesses, you will find that one thing medics encourage - is a PMA.

Positive Mental Attitude.

 

There is a mountain of evidence out there which indisputably shows that if people manage to achieve a PMA - their medical progress improves, their pain diminishes and their conditions often go down a notch - even several - in severity. A PMA is absolutely vital as a strong factor in the healing process...

 

Well, get this:

Developing a Positive Physical Attitude (PPA) - works on the mind, too.

This is why in such places, they lead meditation classes, exercise classes and keep people physically active.

I taught meditation in a Hospice for 6 months - and believe me, I learnt more than they did...

 

So do some form of exercise, and before you go to work - stretch. Breathe deeply. Stand straight. Turn your gaze 'up' towards the horizon, not down at the floor.

 

And really - breathing deeply, and looking at your posture is important - consider how you stand - what attitude does that project to people?

 

The better you make yourself look - the better you will feel.

I promise you - if you do this, it will make you both physically and mentally, fitter and stronger....

[Mike_d]

TM is delivering the goods in this thread. We'd all do well to read hard and work to implement, regardless of how hard it might seem

[danderson3]

Hey again,

 

Thanks for all the wonderful advice and input, it has really started to make a difference in my daily outlook. There were some recent develops I have learnt about and I don't know how I feel about it...

 

Apparently they're not seeing one another any more after only a month or so. And the word is that he cheated on her, but I'm not to sure on the reliability of that source. But either way it seems they have split up, at first I was very happy about it, kind of like karma has come around and slapped her in the face.

 

But another part of me feels worse as all this pain and anguish I've been through has been for nothing... sounds weird but the fact that it was just a 'fling' that ended so quickly makes it kind of worse. Seems to trivialize all the bad stuff I went through emotionally... I don't really know how to describe it or express it properly so hopefully you can understand where I'm going with this.

 

I'll continue to soldier on with the great advice given here, thank you all so much!

[TaraMaiden]

....Again, with the 'Karma'.....

[Chi townD]

Personally, I would have been looking for another job, but that's just me. And you're right. Seems a shame that she threw away a relationship and he threw away a friendship over a "fling". Something that didn't even last a month. Chances are she did that to make you jealous and you took TaraMaiden's advice and she might have thought that the jealousy thing wasn't working on you (even though it's only been a few days) and the "best friend" wasn't so attractive anymore.

 

Damn, what they did was cold as hell! Did they try to talk to you about it?

[Crila16]

Oh wow...this is a horrible situation to be in. They're both horrible people...and the flaunting in your face.

 

Well...nothing beautiful can grow from something so ugly. What they did to you, was ugly and mean. If you ask me, their relationship is doomed. If they could something this cruel to you...they could and will eventually do it to each other.

 

This happened to me one time. I was a waitress and the guy I was dating started cheating on me with a co-worker. They flaunted and flaunted and flaunted. I lost so much weight from the stress and not eating. I was always in the bathroom crying. after 3 mos, I finally quit the job. I couldn't take it anymore. They ended up getting married, and he ended up cheating on her within 2 months of marriage. LOL.

 

Best thing is to put an invisible wall up. Pretend it's not there. Walk away when you see them. Pretend they're medusa and you'll turn to stone if you look at them. Make it a game. How many times in one day you can avoid turning to stone.

 

Another thing that my mom always says when things are bad...

 

"And this too shall pass."

[CptSaveAho]

i know it's an extremely hard lesson to absorb, but - people affect us because we let them affect us.

You're permitting yourself to be vulnerable, and letting their behaviour infringe on your mental state.

 

Let's take it up a notch:

Pretend you're Hilary Clinton, your husband's arguably the most powerful man on the planet - and you know he's a serial cheater. in fact, it's so public, that you'd have to be living in a cave to not know every single sordid, awful, nasty, deceitful thing he's done - it's all over the papers, and everyboy who can string three words together, hear, see and think - knows about it.

how do you think that made HER feel?

 

But her dignity spoke volumes about her.

People may not like her, her politics or what she stands for - but I don't think anybody could ever criticise her reaction to all the sordid scandals, and her public face.

 

in a nutshell;

you may be dying the death of a thousand cuts inside - but outside, you have to project that you absolutely give a damn.

Let them carry on.

People are human, this goes on al the time.

This shows character.

Theirs - and yours.

 

this WILL pass, and one day, I promise you, you'll shrug your shoulders looking back on this, and "meh, well, that's the way it went."

 

But you have to adopt, and give yourself that mind-set, NOW.

It's the biggest favour you could do yourself.

And will do much to bring you much-needed relief.

 

Projecting is fun!

 

I love this advice it teaches people that are standing in a FIRE, to continue standing in that fire and pretend like it doesnt exist. Its not really real. That pain is just a figment of your imagination.

 

Hillary is using her husband just as much as her husband is using her. She gets the recognition and the job for name sake alone. She's just as guilty as he is in that relationship for continuing to be in it.

 

As for this situation, if I am standing in a FIRE, I want to step out of that fire. If that involves me looking for another job, guess thats what i am going to do. It doesnt matter the job, whose getting paid etc, get the **** out of the fire.

 

Your own well being is more important then projecting a FALSE persona of strength and power on yourself.

[danderson3]

No they didn't talk to me about it, but he did send me a text a week later just to let me know that they were hooking up and he didn't care if it was my ex. That was nice.

 

Yeah I never expected such an act from either of them, part of me wanted to scream and yell at them, but I kept my composure and politely said what I thought of the situation. I have to be careful as to what I say because i'm sure they would show anything the slightest bit hostile to my managers at work.

 

As much as I hate the situation at work, it's a really good job and close to home. I am keeping my eye out for better opportunities but I also don't want to give them the satisfaction of what would look like me 'running away'. I'm going to give it a few more weeks and I'm praying i'll get to a stage of indifference or something..

[TaraMaiden]

Projecting is fun!

 

I love this advice it teaches people that are standing in a FIRE, to continue standing in that fire and pretend like it doesnt exist. Its not really real. That pain is just a figment of your imagination.

That's not what I said at all...

Read the bit about 'dying inside' which you conveniently glossed over....

 

Hillary is using her husband just as much as her husband is using her. She gets the recognition and the job for name sake alone. She's just as guilty as he is in that relationship for continuing to be in it.

Nobody said she wasn't profiting from the situation. I merely said she handled the public aspect properly.

 

So....?

 

 

As for this situation, if I am standing in a FIRE, I want to step out of that fire. If that involves me looking for another job, guess thats what i am going to do. It doesnt matter the job, whose getting paid etc, get the **** out of the fire.

That's right, defeatist - run away. You could be so much stronger, but it's too much effort....

(see, two can play at 'putting words in my mouth'.... )

 

Your own well being is more important then projecting a FALSE persona of strength and power on yourself.

It's not false. It's just another aspect - he's not going to be in the mind-frame of 'standing in the fire' for ever - that's a transitory emotion - just like all the others. So he can either focus it to his advantage, or his detriment. The choice is his...

Don't you think, scaredy-cat?

[Samilia]

ey,

 

My ex of 10 months and I broke up and less than a week later she started dating my then best friend. They started doing it behind my back and denied it for a while, he even promised that he would never do anything like that. Sure enough they were both lying and I found out.

 

The messed up thing is we all work at the same place and I have to see them all the time. It can be really hard. The betrayal from both of them is what really stings. Needless to say things at work can be very uncomfortable, I try to ignore them both but it isn't easy when parts of your job means being around them for 7 hours a day. I also get the feeling she overly flirts with him in front of me to try and get a reaction.

 

I don't know how to handle the situation, I don't want to get back with her in anyway or have either of them in my life. But I am finding it very hard to move on and heal, when they are in my face all week long. Does anyone have any advice or anything that's helped them in a similar situation?

 

Keep on ignoring them, look for another job. Don't try to suck it up and stay there to prove anything, walk away from this situation. You're the better man and everybody knows that.

[CptSaveAho]

but I also don't want to give them the satisfaction of what would look like me 'running away'. I'm going to give it a few more weeks and I'm praying i'll get to a stage of indifference or something..

 

I wouldnt have this mindset contrary to other peoples' advice on the forum. Its about stepping out of a fire. Why would you care about how someone perceives your actions for your own well being. There is nothing wrong with "retreating" and losing a battle to win the war (moving on). I think too many people try to fight the entire war at one time (the breakup) instead of dealing with the actual battles as they come along and keep themselves in the grief of the breakup way longer then they need to.

 

Some of these long time posters are still in the war because they like standing in the fire for their own ego and pride and project that here for other people to run foolishly along with.

[oracle]

I wouldnt have this mindset contrary to other peoples' advice on the forum. Its about stepping out of a fire. Why would you care about how someone perceives your actions for your own well being. There is nothing wrong with "retreating" and losing a battle to win the war (moving on). I think too many people try to fight the entire war at one time (the breakup) instead of dealing with the actual battles as they come along and keep themselves in the grief of the breakup way longer then they need to.

 

Some of these long time posters are still in the war because they like standing in the fire for their own ego and pride and project that here for other people to run foolishly along with.

 

 

You are assuming far to much...

 

Sometimes lifes situations require you to stand in the fire. Sometimes the situations have a high cost and standing in the fire is required for a time not to loose everything.

 

in the OPs situation, he could cut and run with no real loss at hand (I would assume)

 

But I diagree with your overall "paint every situation" with the same brush.

 

I find its the people that constantly cut and run (and I don't mean literally, I mean taking the EASY WAY OUT in general) from their problems that continually repeat history over over. Sometimes you need to fight the hard fight, to really go to the depths on something.

[oracle]

I wouldn't just up and quit, I would seek out, pursue a even better opportunity and leave that job (which is meaningless) and those two people in the past.

 

Sure thats fair.

 

But in the meantime, don't go to pieces. hold your head up high. People are stronger than they think, especially when they are caught up in the hopelessness of the moment.

 

Yea it sucks but there are far worse things in life.

[Tezza]

OMFG the same thing happened to me..I am so glad I read this!!

For me it go to the stage where I couldn't handle the flaunting in my face any longer - felt like salt added to wounds...HUGE BETRYAL.

I ended up speaking to my Manager and asked to be moved to another area.

My manager was so understanding and supportive..It was the best thing I've ever did.

It has been 31 days today with no-contact from either one (ex and new co-worker G/F).

I feel so empowered and gald I got the courage to speak with my manager.

You can't stay having it thrown in your face - to me putting on a brave face daily is one of the most excruciating things to ever do.

I wish you all the best and understanding what you are going through.

Hugs and Kisses.