Complex

[MyHeartTakesOver]

3 months ago my partner of three years broke up with me. He's bi (I'm gay) and is 20 years older than I am (I'm 26). We had a stormy relationship where we argued a great deal and where he once cheated on me but begged forgiveness and I know deeply regretted it so I forgave him (he originally asked for an open relationship but I said no). Despite this, there was genuinely a truly immense amount of love in our relationship and we both would have taken a bullet for each other.

 

Towards the end of us being together he become increasingly distant towards me romantically which caused me to "up" things a gear to try to get a response out of him. I would tell him I love him all the time though when he responded I never felt like it fulfilled my need to be loved by him.

 

We had a row three months back which ended our relationship. Within five days he started a relationship with a girl he used to work with, who after two glasses of wine and within an hour of meeting him, told him she loved him so much she'd leave her fiancee for him. She and her fiancee broke up before we did under difficult circumstances. Both this girl and my ex partner are now in a relationship which I very much suspect is a rebound relationship that seems new and fun. I'm very upset about this as my ex partner spent the first month of our break up talking to me about getting back together while telling this girl she makes him happier than I ever could (I read their emails to each other). I knew they were messing around during this month but when I found out that they were professing undying love for each other I created drama. Big drama. Anyway, they moved into the house which I made a home, earlier today.

 

Despite that, on Sunday my ex partner told me that he is still deeply in love with me and that life without me is "even more unbearable than life with me" but that it's just all too painful for him to think about it.

 

There's such a huge part of me that doesn't want to extinguish my flame for him. At the same time, wrong though it may be, I really want his new "relationship" to fail because I don't think it's fair that I suffer for his actions while he's off having fun with someone else.

 

I'm still deeply in love with this man. I'm deeply hurt by him at the same time and I know that my love for him deserves much greater respect than he has given it. I think about him all the time and part of me believes that we are "soulmates". I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can let go. These past three months have been three of the worst months of my life (I've twice seriously considered suicide) but they have given me a greater sense of who I am and have helped me to remember parts of myself that I'd forgotten.

 

Please offer some advice. Please someone from the outside look in and tell me what is the wiset course of action because right now I can't think for myself. Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

It seems to me he wants his cake and to eat it.

What he wants is to be able to see - and have - you both (you and this girl) and for it to be perfectly ok with everyone.

well that's a nightmare, if the other parties cannot be involved in such a way.

 

I have no doubt he still loves you.

he just wants moral/open permission to play the field and have involvement with others.

in other words - he's angling for the open relationship.

 

Deja vu....?

 

You sadly, for your own sanity and peace of mind - need to close this one off.

You need to tell him that it's either her, or you.

 

Nothing more, that's it.

you are not prepared to have your emotions strung up this way, you deserve better, more respect and the acknowledgement that no matter who else he wants or desires, if he puts it into action, he's cheating.

 

We have had threads from people asking (either for themselves or their partners)

 

"bisexual, committed, but want(s) sex with someone else of same/different gender, is this cheating, because of bisexuality needing both-gender connection?"

 

it doesn't matter if he were having a relationship with you (as a guy) and he wants the connection with a woman, (which might be how he's explaining his 'need') or if he was in a steady one-to-one with a woman, and felt he 'needed' a male relationship too.

 

It's CHEATING.

 

He doesn't have it in him to remain faithful and with one partner.

 

Realise that this is the bottom line.

 

And go no contact, stay no contact - and read my Caliguy link.

it will save your life, if you but stick to it 100%

 

Good luck, keep in touch.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

You sadly, for your own sanity and peace of mind - need to close this one off.

You need to tell him that it's either her, or you.

 

He's made his choice. He's choosen someone as shallow as he is.

 

That means that your first sentence is even more true. I really hope, I mean really hope, with every breath in me, that he gets his due for this. I hope he feels all that I've felt in the same intensity and I hope that when he does, he knows why.

 

Thank you for your help. I'm going to be hanging around on here whil I rebuild my life.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

Last night, about 11pm, I had a missed call from a number I didn't recognize. I called it back about 15 minutes later. It was my ex partner calling me from his new girlfirends phone (I presume she was present in the room with him though I didn't hear her in the background).

 

I asked what he wanted and he said he'd felt low all day because he knows that I'm not happy and my happiness is a "precondition of his own". He said he loves me "with all that he is" and that he's heartbroken that we didn't work out and the thought of me not being in his life is horrific to him. He also said he doesn't want me as his partner but as a person in his life that is way beyond the kind of relationship one has with friends or even family.

 

I told him that no I'm not happy with either him or the way things are but that making myself happy doesn't depend upon having a man in my life. I told him that I love him too and always will but that the man who can make me happy is still out there and I will find him.

 

We hung up and an hour later I got a text saying "whatever happens know that you are truly loved". I cried myself to sleep.

 

What do I do here? I know him through and through and I know that every word he said last night was genuine (his words aren't always genuine - this time though he wasn't playing around). I can't deal with the pain of this anymore but if I cut him out, the pain I'll feel at his loss will leave me even more miserable. I can't even allow myself to consider getting back together given what he has done and he doesn't want that anyway.

 

Is he still in love with me but we've damaged each other so much he feels we can't happily live together so he's making best of a bad situation? Does it strike anyone else as odd that he'd say this with his girlfriend nearby enough to let him use her phone?

 

I woke this morning again thinking the best thing for me to do would be to take a walk into the sea. Please someone help.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh stop it.

no other human being is worth killing yourself for.

remember one thing, and one thing only - if he REALLY wanted to be with you - that's whewe he'd be.

He wants forgiveness and approval. That's why he wants you in his life - not for you - for him.

If he has you as a 'friend' then that's damage limitation - he can't be all bad if you hang around.

And that last line of his...

What was it - ?

Oh, yeah....

 

"whatever happens know that you are truly loved"....

 

Liar.

Someone you truly love, you truly do not sh.i.t on, and truly yank their chain.

 

that line screams, "Have you ever met anyone as noble or dignified as me? I know I messed up, but see how I am still able to reach out and throw you a condescending, patronising line which, even though I'm the complete jerk here, makes me sound a real catch, and you [in view of previous discussion] a heartless bitch."

 

Go No Contact.

Honestly sweetheart, not only is it the best way - it's the ONLY way to retain your dignity, confidence and will to live.

 

because all this crap about 'walking into the sea' is wonderful as a Hollywood movie final scene (make sure it's sunset, and you wear the long, white flimsy floaty 'dress'.....) but in reality is distressing, frightening, lonely and completely pointless.

He's a temporary glitch.

Don't make your solution to something as trivial as him, permanent.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

make sure it's sunset, and you wear the long, white flimsy floaty 'dress'.....

 

That gave me a smile!

 

Namaste!

 

I hear you. I really do and I know that this is all about his feelings not mine. Everything is all about him.

 

I know him though and I know that he has felt things, deep things, with me. That surely can't just go and be done with as quickly as all this can it? Maybe it's just my own nature but I can't concieve how someone could just let go of that and move on to someone else, someone who isn't me and who he's told me straight out, doesn't have the love in her that I have but who'll let him have his way and not argue.

 

There's a part of me that really wants to chastise myself for giving something as valuable as my love to someone so undeserving.

 

I'll say this as well; the times when I was with him, even the really good times, I always had a niggling feeling there was a depth in me that he couldn't reach. As though his love was all surface and was more about the expression of it (he is an excellent cook and that was a major way of him showing me his feelings for me) than the person recieving it. Sometimes you just want someone to feed you a bag of chips on the way home while looking in your eyes, not a four course michellen starred meal with the cook as the centre of everything.

 

I'm going to go no contact. I made that choice yesterday and, had the number not been unrecognized, I'd have stuck with it. Will hang around here as well and vent.

 

Thank you for your help.

Edited August 19, 2012 by MyHeartTakesOver

[TaraMaiden]

That gave me a smile!

 

Namaste!

 

I hear you. I really do and I know that this is all about his feelings not mine. Everything is all about him.

 

I know him though and I know that he has felt things, deep things, with me. That surely can't just go and be done with as quickly as all this can it?

no, it can't but ultimately, it's about nourishing his needs before acknowledging yours. He's trying to sustain his emotional well-being, concerning you, not your emotional well-being concerning him....

 

Touching on your comment about him calling you with her possibly present - I doubt that very much. Unless she's complicit with his bisexuality and feels that an open relationship would be fine by her, I tend to think that he made the call in secret....

It's such a new relationship, and so much happened at her end to enable them to be together - I cannot see her being in agreement to now sharing him with his ex-....

I'm of the opinion that if he resumed a relationship with you - he'd be cheating on her....

 

Maybe it's just my own nature but I can't concieve how someone could just let go of that and move on to someone else, someone who isn't me and who he's told me straight out, doesn't have the love in her that I have but who'll let him have his way and not argue.

there's the nub of it - she will let him have his way and not argue.

She has satisfied his bisexual need to have sex with a woman.

I don't think he was counting on you to back your disapproval with the actions you took. Now he's chasing you again.

He wants you - but only to 'balance his books'.

 

There's a part of me that really wants to chastise myself for giving something as valuable as my love to someone so undeserving.

Hang on - how were you to know the guy would renege on his agreement with you?

Nobody can predict infidelity - and you can hold your head up with dignity and confidence and know you gave it your all.

He's the one who fell short - not you!!

 

I'll say this as well; the times when I was with him, even the really good times, I always had a niggling feeling there was a depth in me that he couldn't reach. As though his love was all surface and was more about the expression of it (he is an excellent cook and that was a major way of him showing me his feelings for me) than the person recieving it. Sometimes you just want someone to feed you a bag of chips on the way home while looking in your eyes, not a four course michellen starred meal with the cook as the centre of everything.

Ooooh, as a pretty nifty cook myself, I'll drink to that....

....Bag of chips!!

 

Cooks are egocentric.

correction - Chefs are. Cooks are ok.

the difference between a chef and a cook is heart.

Gordon Ramsay is a chef.

Two Hairy Bikers - are cooks.

 

I'm going to go no contact. I made that choice yesterday and, had the number not been unrecognized, I'd have stuck with it. Will hang around here as well and vent.

Let it always go to 'message'.

If it's him, he will either leave a message you can delete, or he won't.

if it's someone else, they'll either leave a message, or call back, if it's urgent.

If it's me, I'm just trying to sell you something.

But it's great - every home should have one!

 

Thank you for your help.

 

no problem.

Just call me 'mum'.

And don't wear those jeans, wear the other ones. They fit better.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

Touching on your comment about him calling you with her possibly present - I doubt that very much. Unless she's complicit with his bisexuality and feels that an open relationship would be fine by her, I tend to think that he made the call in secret....

It's such a new relationship, and so much happened at her end to enable them to be together - I cannot see her being in agreement to now sharing him with his ex-....

I'm of the opinion that if he resumed a relationship with you - he'd be cheating on her....

 

Hey mum

 

I've only met her twice and that was when she was working with him and we were together. She struck me as very needy and, to be perfectly honest, mentally unstable.

 

She knows and approves of his sexuality and the relationship is an open one (I read their emails to each other). She also sent me an email a while back saying that she knows that he loves me very deeply and she approves of us having a "deep connection" to each other and wouldn't mind if we were sleeping together.

 

There are only two solutions I can figure to this. She either doesn't care about him, is playing along and was simply looking for an older man to use as a get out of her own engagement or she's superwoman and is absolutely perfect for him. I'm not sure which and I'm quickly getting to the point of not caring either way as it doesn't effect me; unless it's years down the line and he's radically changed as a person and is willing to do what it takes to make up for what he has done - I'm not sure that's even possible - then I wouldn't consider taking him back even if he wanted to.

 

I know it feels like it's going to kill me but I have to walk away from this.

 

By that definition he's definitley a chef; God forbid anyone playing around in his kitchen.

Edited August 19, 2012 by MyHeartTakesOver

[TaraMaiden]

There is one other view:

If she's needy and mentally unstable, actually having a man that fulfils her needs and makes her feel good, prompts her to do whatever is needed to keep him - and if that means behaving like a doormat (yes, you can see other people, yes they can be of your gender, yes you can have sex with them, yes, yes, yes... yes chef!) then she will do whatever it takes to make sure that she becomes the perfectly compliant partner.

even at the expense of her own dignity.

She may appear trendy, open-minded and laid-back - but inside, she may not be feeling that way at all.

 

Who knows?

That, basically, is not your call....

 

Your call is to look after yourself during the period of 'mourning'. It is a loss almost akin to a bereavement.... and it takes time.

But don't listen to people who tell you that 'Time Is a Great Healer'.

It isn't.

All time does - is pass. YOU heal.

But you take whatever time you need.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

Thanks.

 

A lot of her emails to him talked about her fantasising about him with other men (including me who she's "very attracted to"). She has been sleeping with other men in the time since they've formed a couple and he really likes that about her. It's possibly novelty, I don't know. You're right; it's not really any of my business anyway.

 

In fairness to this man, he did constantly tell me when we were together that he's not by nature a monogamous person, that he's hardwired differently and that he didn't like to talk about this with me because it upset me so much and he hated to see me upset. If he's genuinely polyamorous and capable of loving numerous people then I think it's possible that he's telling the truth when he says he's in love with me and her (I, of course, can't deal with that - and I won't put myself through pain for him to sit looking smug!). He also used to constantly talk about how sex and love were very different things and having sex with a person does not mean love and visa versa.

 

I find it very difficult to get my head around; I'm a true old fashioned Romantic when it comes to love and I am very much a monogamous person; I genuinely don't even want to watch porn when I'm in love with someone. I don't want to judge others, especially when I don't have any certain answers on this, but it seems the poly thing is often an excuse for not investing in a person.

 

Years before he met me, he was very deeply in love with a woman who left him after four years because she wanted kids (he's pathologically against the idea of children) and that left him devastated. He tried suicide a number of times. I think that experience might have been the reason behind the poly thing now. The worst part about it, he told me, was that she dissapeared without any contact. She left the circle of friends and everything behind. This was the killer for him because even if they weren't together he wanted to feel her presence in his life. He's basically said the same thing to me.

 

NC is going to destroy him when he realises that's what's happening. There's a dark part of me that feels vindicated by that but I know that everytime I'll delete his unanswered emails, I'll be in pieces.

Edited August 19, 2012 by MyHeartTakesOver