Think i'm now in the anger stage

[k100danny]

It's now been just over 5 weeks of nc after I blocked my ex from communication. To give a little background here goes. I had been with my ex 7 months and we had our ups and downs and shares of arguments. I always knew from day 1 that she planned to travel for the summer and that time came two and a half months ago, I always thought how can you say you want a future with me but you want to leave and risk it all, but she wanted to stay together. The few weeks before she left i was distant and yes i guess i was very angry with her for leaving but i would never have asked her to stay.

 

she did say if it meant losing me she would stay for me and wouldnt leave if we werent together so even though i was 90% sure it either wouldnt last or she would come straight back we stayed together, she cried the day she left and said she didnt know if she wanted to travel anymore and she didnt want to leave me but i told her she had worked so hard to save for this 7 days a weeks that even if she just went for two weeks and had a holiday she could always come home if she didnt like it and she left.

 

I withdrew pretty much as soon as she left and she was the one contacting me and stuff but i admit i was short with her quite a few times but i was hurting, someone I loved had just left. We argued a few times in the first few weeks then i didn't speak to her for a few days and then she contacted me and said she didn't think it was working and i kind of agreed although i said i loved her and wanted to be with her i also said that if i was the one this wouldnt have happened.

 

we spoke on and off and she would contact me if i went a few days nc and i said that if we werent going to be together then it was too hard to stay in touch. i tried to get some closure but didnt get it. i asked her to delete me from facebook and block me and she deleted me about 2 weeks after i sent her the message to do this (i couldnt bring myself to do it although i wasnt looking at her profile i couldnt cut the string) she did this after my ex previous to her posted something on my wall with lots of kisses, now i dont know if this had anything to do with it but i think it may have.

 

Anyway during the break up i had always said i wish you well and hope you find happiness and a place you want to stay and settle down and i didn't hold anything against her, I told her not to feel guilty as everyone deserves to be happy. a few days after deleting me from facebook (she didnt block me) I went to send her a message about getting some property back to her and getting an item of mine back that was very special to me and noticed there she was in her profile pic with a new guy, and it ripped my heart out.

 

I thought I dont expect you to stay single but its like announcing a new relationship so soon and i just find that disrespectfull and if she cared like she said she did even after breaking up surely you would try not to do that to someone.

 

I sent her my final goodbye, again very polite before i blocke her. I said that i hoped she was happy, I would return her things to a friends who lives near my home and just basically do what you need to to be happy, I dont hold any grudges but i will be blocking you as I need to move on and heal also and find somene good for me too. I said hopefully I will bump into her in the future when we are married ect and i truly wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

so that is the back story, this is where I am at now. Im so f***ing angry at her and for a few reasons, she often used to say things to me like if you loved me you would do this ect and make me feel guilty and now im thinking if you loved me would wouldnt have left, or got into a relationship so soon.

 

she put a lot of pressure onto me to find a place for us to live when she got back and said i would need to support us both for a while until she got a job, basically i felt like a bank card. I did everything she asked and i would have given her my life even if at times I didnt like her as she was emotionally abusive and blamed me for her having an abortion which almost pushed me over the edge.

 

I feel i was a rebound from her last relationship even though she ended that one and had been out of the relationship a few months and they had been on and off for a year. I feel that i was lied to, made out to be more serious than it actually was and i feel that she shouldnt have done that. I really do have some resentment toward some of the things she did, how she treat me and although i do still wish her happiness in the future i do now feel some dare i say hate toward her.It is strange that i now cant rememeber her voice, I cant picture her face fully in my head and i cant remember how it felt to be in the realtionship yet she still occupies my thoughts all of the time, well daily lots of times.

 

The one thing i have found so disrectfull also is that I did pretty much everything she ever asked of me, I didnt put her down or stop her living out her dreams. I didnt make her feel guilty and wasnt nasty to her but in my final message i asked for ONE thing that i wanted her to do for me. I wanted her to post back to me my dead uncles very expensive watch i gave her to rememeber me by while she was away (it wasnt a gift to her and she had mentioned sending it back as soon as we broke up) I said please send this back and be assured I will send your stuff back to your friends you know i wouldnt keep it. I said i didn't want it coming back in a months time and bringing back feelings, I said now she has moved on I wanted to aswell.

 

Well it's now been 5 weeks and there is no sign of it, surely you would honour this one thing if the situation was the other way around? she had said previously to this as its been nearly two months since she first sent it back was that she had been working almost everyday and needed someone who spoke italian to insure the item as she is staying in a small village and they dont speak much english. I know she has this new italian friend (boyfriend) surely he could translate, or on her day off she could go into the city and someone could work it out, jesus the have translators on the internet how hard would it be.

 

anyway this was just a rant really, still not wishing her any bad luck in life but definitely lost a lot of respect and understand that i was basically so polite in the beginning because i still loved her dearly. Its been over 5 weeks and nto once have i been tempted to unblock her to look at her profile pics or to message her and I don't know if i will ever hear from her again. I have basically given up on the watch coming back to me and i no longer feel sick when i hear the postman at the door and im not expecting a package.

 

Hopefully me not thinking the world of her anymore means im moving on. hopefully soon i will find someone i want to give my everything to again but I'm not ready just yet.

[not-a-drive-by]

Perhaps its not a priority on her mind to post the watch back to you. Or she wants to hold onto memories of you. Are you certain that she has a new bf in her life? Or are they just friends?

 

Stay strong and remain NC as you are doing well.

 

Sigh. Why is love so difficult? If there really was a God out there, why can't he just pair us up right from the beginning with someone who is meant to be ours? Rather than putting us through all this heartache, before finding someone who truly loves us and we love them just the same? Kind of sadistic...

[k100danny]

I totally get that it won't be a priority but I like to think i would do it for someone if they had expressed how much it meant to them to get it back, especially if they hadn't done anything wrong to me and she always said i was the first person to treat her that well.

 

she broke up with me and she admitted she thought she was selfish ect and she felt bad, so if it was the other way around I like to think i could do that 1 thing for someone. a week previous to us breaking up she had said she missed home and needed a few things, i went out and bought everything i could that would remind her of home, got pictures printed, all her favourite things, sent a tshirt sprayed with my aftershave because she always loved the smell and liked to sleep in my tshirts. It cost me a lot of money to send and she said it was one of the most thoughtful things anyone had ever done for her and always said how thoughtful i was so why is this 1 thing such a big thing for her to do for me? I am not willing to contact her not yet, if it doesn't come back then thats fine but I am just shocked at having not got it back by now.

 

Maybe she is waiting to hear from her friend to see if i took her stuff back there, not like i would ever keep her stuff she knows this or maybe she just doesnt care enough to even make the effort i dont know.

 

breaking up certainly isnt easy and i find myself more so now thinking i wont meet someone i feel that way about again, although i cant remember exactly how i felt and my image of her has faded a lot I'm still heartbroken and don't know if i can do that again anytime soon.