How staying in a bad relationship can ruin your life, a true story...

[madtek]

I've just had my life destroyed by a relationship and I want to share so people can learn from my mistakes and to be warey of getting into a relationship with someone with trust issues. Sorry this is a long post, but it might help others in recognising a bad relationship, being aware of the potential damage, people who may have just broke up and are thinking about getting back together, people in an emotionally abusive or controlling relationship, or those who can relate to any aspects within. Also, by writing this, I get it off my mind, and any comments are gratefully received about my mistakes, her mistakes, lessons learned, or an analysis that may provide information for those supporting people with relationship issues...

 

 

 

Warning: this is a very long post but read if you enjoy drama;

 

 

I moved to London about 5 years ago for an excellent job as a University Lecturer (after working my way up education through colleges etc.), was having a great time, good career development, travelling all over the world, loads of interests, projects, research, and doing really well. Had a relationship that turned out to not quite work so ended that, then another with a gold-digger who was just into getting money out of me, dealt with that (tho a little harder to get over cos she was a stunning ex-model!), got over it and was moving on with my life, about to start a PhD, etc. etc.

 

Anyway, three years ago I finally met a (what I thought was) a wonderful woman, we got together, she literally introduced me to all her friends and family right away, and we started hanging out nearly every day having an absolutely amazing time. First year we went travelling together, romantic get-aways almost every weekend, it was the most happiest time of my life, the best sexual compatibility, intimacy and a closeness like no other, then it all started to go downhill...

 

It all started because I knew there would be family arguments at my mums place one Xmas so I didn't invite her back to my family/home town for xmas (she hadn't met them yet however because my family lives about 150 miles away - requiring overnight stay and time off work for her). So she was hoping I'd take her to meet my family at Xmas but just let it go silently and expected me to ask her even tho I hinted that xmas at my parents was going to be unpleasant (due to my mum and aunt rowing over something) thus I didn't meet the "expectation" inviting her, she just dumped me with no chance of me being able to discuss it even tho I'd already explained! Following this, I tried to fix that issue, so I invited her back to my home town several times but she seemed not to want to come - like she was deeply hurt by it and couldn't now do it... couldn't swallow her pride. (It turns out she didn't enjoy socialising with family/friends of her partner and it was her own problem not mine)

 

Anyway, we patched that up, she still didn't meet my family/friends back home and seemed dis-interested in including herself in my social life but the relationship got back on track and enjoyable again. I gave her opportunities now to come to lots of things (friends weddings etc. but she always was saying either she had something else planned, or didn't think she thought our relationship was strong enough???). A couple of months down the line she now accused me of cheating on Facebook - "who are all these girls you keep adding as friends" basically my old school friends. We had an argument about that and since we'd both had enough of this jealous and hypocritical issue with social involvement we decided to end it, then she lured me back in again. I KNEW I was stupid to go back to her and felt so wrong about meeting her again driving to hers in my car that day... wtf was I doing, hooked on her, addicted. I WISH I HAD NEVER GONE BACK AT THIS POINT.

 

But now another thing started to creep, she started really pushing it for the long term - having kids/house etc. She started accusing me of having issues with money, criticising things like me not being interested in long-term plans and not owning my own property etc. (which I can't afford in London obviously on my own). Even criticised me for not having a Wallet (I prefer not to carry one since it's been stolen in the past)

 

She started raising serious issues about wanting to move forward cos of her fertility, so I took a good look at myself and me and her and I started taking on extra-work (contracts etc.) and attempting to fix the issues she had flagged about long-term stability - these seemed sensible and I felt like maybe I was a little laid back in my approach to life and money, but I was doing a job I LOVED and had worked for that all my life. Note she has her own flat and a deposit of about £30k given by her parents (something i could never dream of being handed), she has a well paid job (only because it's in London) etc. so had a bit of an edge over me financially. I truly loved her and our times together were so enjoyable, so I set my heart on committing to her in the long-term...

 

So by this point I was now working on loads of projects and life got quite heavy to try and meet her expectations and make the steps to build a future with her and give her what she wants. But my self-confidence was dropping low now because of the constant criticisms. I looked at myself at this age (34) flat-sharing in London with no property and it pretty much destroyed my self-esteem, without her criticisms I might not have got so depressed or concerned about those issues, but yes, these seemed quite reasonable issues to bring up right? I didn't see any fault in her put downs and started to blame myself. Underneath, I became silently more and more depressed, feeling worthless - she would often say stuff like "people at your age should be at the peak of their financial earning power etc." making comparisons about me and the other "hypothetical guy" she should be with??? She would say "I want a man that does xyz..." making out I was not it... while the next day telling me she's not materialistic etc.

 

Then all of sudden she dumped me yet again, saying I don't meet her expectations in a man again! I found myself doing all this work for a future for us with seemingly no point to all my efforts, suddenly alone, and lost, totally stressed and having to complete all these contracts. After 1.5 years together and being very close, I tried to deal with the break up with no real family or friends to confide in and help me through it (I have friends in London but not close one's), and this escalation sent me into a deep depression... I felt the most unbelievable feeling of meaningless and loneliness I have ever experienced in my life! In a dark room in east london, where there was no community and a very unfriendly place. The constant criticisms and dumping then getting back together combined with her saying things like "I want a man who does xyz" like I was easily replaceable completely screwed my head.

 

After dumping me again, she texted me to say she's off on holiday with her sister on some posh virgin Atlantic first class trip, (that she got for free) she didn't seem to understand the damage and how she was playing with me dumping me and making up with me again and again while pushing me into a long-term commitment with her. In my loneliness in London finding it difficult to get emotional support, I found myself going crazy with non-stop voices in my head. I'd hit the beer and despite being quite emotionally stable and self-confident before meeting her I suddenly had a nervous breakdown. Funnily I ran out into the street, necked 4 cans of lager and started talking to tramps, I just HAD to talk to someone! I had called my family/friends for support but it wasn't enough.

 

Then texted me she missed me etc. AGAIN. I had become addicted to her. Now she had complete control of me, I'd minimised and thinned out my social life in London cos of spending time with her all the time, I'd become more and more reliant on her for emotional support, and I my life now revolved around doing things for her, making her happy, and walking on eggshells about who I talk to, who I add on Facebook, and even things like making sure the toilet seat was down after a piss!

 

I was reluctant but AGAIN she lured me in and we got back together again... I felt so weak at this point I had no choice. A couple of weeks now back together, she had been searching over a number of dating sites, suspicious to see if I'd gone on them (trying to find me) after breaking up with me... She found my old profile I forgot to delete, so guess what she dumped me AGAIN for accusing me of on-line dating (when we weren't even together at that point, and I hadn't actually logged in anyway). When I tried to explain she would not listen to my explanation that I forgot to delete it.

 

Then we got back together again (again she lured me in), she went through my phone without permission and found messages off a female friend who had planned on visiting to cheer me up after the initial dumping. I'd asked a female friend if she wanted to visit since I was feeling pretty bad and lonely, and she was JUST a friend. The texts said things like "love you mucka" as in being supportive were interpreted as I was going to cheat on her - with my friend who came to visit?? Just cos she was female? Moreover, even if I had intended to we weren't officially going out at that time...

 

Anyway, eventually we got back together AGAIN, but never really resolved those trust issues. She had been cheated on badly in the past and I believe she has trust issues from that. I opened up my entire phone passwords email everything to show that nothing was going on but it was like she didn't WANT to believe it or be corrected on a false accusation. I set up a shared computer, and did everything I could to become transparent about my life.

 

At this point then, I find myself totally emotionally battered from trying to convince her I wasn't cheating, re-assuring her etc. I was now working on loads of projects etc, and with the self-esteem reduced to nothing I felt totally inadequate in meeting her "expectations" of what a man should be, a total sucker for basically emotional abuse...

 

But unbelievably, things were about to get even WORSE. We went out for a nice bike ride one sunny day and just as if fate was trying to kill me I got attacked, beaten up and my bike stolen, it totally shook me up. Then the very next week in my very street where I rented, the London riots kicked off, cars burning in the street, etc it was like a warzone!.. Me and her took a holiday for couple of days so I could relax, but by this time I was so depressed and negative about everything it wasn't going to cure it. Then believe it or not another blow to my life, I got my hours cut at work, so now I was only earning half of what I was earning before and being threatened with ongoing total redundancy... it was like the final nail in the coffin!

 

Having been through all this, I was having serious doubts about living in London anymore and obviously the relationship, so I took a break. Since I work as a lecturer I got the whole summer off. I decided to go back to my home town and get some emotional support from friends/family not just rely on her - cos it didn't seem to help. Moreover, the now part-time mode of my work meant I was spending most of time alone, cos all my other friends were at work. I noticed she would say things that were a little insensitive and that I was being "stupid" and "weak" for being so depressed, I actually needed professional help after my nervous breakdown and I told her that.

 

So I went back to my home town for a LONGG think. All my friends and family we're saying get the hell out of London etc. This woman is crazy! What do you want to live in that s**thole for, come back home etc. Withmy low self-esteem, missing her, hating London, worrying about my job and future, that confusion sent me on a downward spiral and I ended up on meds totally psychotic and almost suicidal for around 3 months. I couldn't even tie my shoelaces at one point and almost got sectioned... Time passed and I wasn't ready to be back at work... time passed and I went off sick still not well enough to go back to work or make the desicion. By this time my flat had now expired and I had to organise a new place to live even if I wanted to go back.

 

Then after a while, I felt better, immediately got off any medication and got into exercise. Was starting to get very bored in my hometown and missed her, sorted myself out. I had to make the choice to leave my job (take my friends/family advice) or go back to her and continue the house/kids path etc. and make a real commitment to spending the rest of my life with her before the next teaching semester started.

 

After getting counselling etc. I rebuilt my strength and thought, ( and by recommendation of the councillor) I'll go for it! I can make this work, and why leave my job and my woman etc. give it all up for what? If it goes wrong you'll only be back in the same position you are now.. I felt positive about the opportunity to settle down with someone I really love etc. etc? It took weeks of deciding to make that commitment and put my trust in her with endless discussing it on the phone, she was telling me she loved and missed me so much and she said "I promise it'll work 110% etc" and she really did appear to love me more than ever, was really really excited about us getting back together and had waited 4 months for me to return...

 

So I went back... she said let's live together so I moved in. But then it got EVEN worse! Since I was still a bit mentally confused and fearful of such a big decision (house and kids with someone who had put so much pressure on me previously) it started to show - and to her it appeared like doubt. I was a bit reluctant to move my stuff in to hers and wanted to do it gradually, also my family/friends weren't in any way approving of the situation. She however expected me to be over the moon with job about moving in with her. Despite me actually REALLY loving her emotionally it took me about a month to finally commit to her after I arrived cos I simply heard those warning voices in my head constantly, I had to trust her 100% after the dumpings and accusations of cheating? She was the one who needed to be patient and show commitment if she loved me for real, but just 2 weeks after I moved in with her, she now said it wasn't working again and that I don't love her etc. Then by just four weeks after I moved in (after the months of hell I'd been through) she was telling me to move my stuff out and leave with nowhere to go? How was I supposed to get to work now?

 

I moved my stuff out as she requested reluctantly but since I was now totally committed to her (and my work responsibilities) I asked if I could stay while and we can work it out. She was saying I could stay for the days I need to get into (my now part-time) work, but also each week she's then saying to me "I love you" and "I want to make it work" then the next day changing her mind. She's saying "what I really want is a house and kids etc but you have no enthusiasm." and that I have no interest in it when I WAS now totally committed and keen to make it work in my heart. I was trying to get extra work again and prove to her I was committed, but then when it came to things like interviews I could not take it any further because I had no idea if I was with her or not?

 

She now could not decide and put me through 4 months of difficulty getting to work, and living out of a suitcase. One night I slept in the car!

 

I researched a lot about relationships and told her the ingredients required for success and that TRUST is the main issue we need to resolve. I also told her that her "expectations" and subtle criticisms maybe damaging our relationship and she should try and love me and support me the way "I am" rather than trying to push me to being someone I'm not. I also told her that no matter what I'd stand by her and we even got onto the subject of marriage.

 

So that brings me to the closing chapter. We took a really posh holiday and had an absolutely amazing time together literally a month ago. Then a week after we get back, I am repeatedly requesting we need to discuss what's happening with us cos I have to give notice if I'm going make changes to my life (job or flat) OR if we're together I promised her I would do the absolute best for us and make sure we start moving forward towards a family and a future life together. If this had continued, I would be in terrible trouble at work. She seemed to skirt around it, but while accusing me of skirting around it.

 

She said "if you were serious you would have got another job by now" etc. (which I cannot if I don't know where I'm living but I was TRYING). "If you are serious about buying a house you would be looking for one" .. "If you want children with me you never seem to mention it or get excited" when she hasn't confirmed our relationship?

 

Then the next thing she sends a text saying "I'm lonely this weekend" blaming me? cos I'd gone back to my home-town yet again to give her space to think about things - as she requested. Now she accuses me of having an affair up in my hometown because why would I never invite her up there? (I've tried, she won't come and even admitted to her friend that she likes me cos she doesn't have to get involved with family/friends does - I'm easy.. whence it was finally revealed WHY she'd never shown an interest in my social life... her friend showed me the email). Then I get a another text message from saying that she is thankful she's not my friend on Facebook because one of my X girlfriends from 7 years ago had commented on one of my photos? it was the most nasty message, jealous message I've ever received, for doing what wrong exactly?

 

Then the final straw came the other day. I told her I wanted to talk about stuff (cos it was literally the last chance I have to make the decision otherwise I won't be ready for going back to teaching etc.) and she decides that rather than talk, she goes out with a male friend after work... I called her while she was out and she didn't answer and she just tells me she's in a noisy bar and can't talk. So anyway, I accept this and go to sleep.

 

The next thing she comes in from her outing drunk, wakes me up and starts shouting at me about something trivial (like some split water or something in the kitchen). I get out of bed, lose my temper (cos of the frustration over her avoiding my need to talk and reach a decision - not because I was jealous) and throw a mug coaster across the room then go off to the bathroom to calm myself. But she follows me and starts trying to kick me so I grabbed her arms by her side in order to calm her down. Then I let go and she starts attacking me again. Since she won't stop I slap her. Someone next door hears the commotion, calls the police and I get arrested for assault! She's claiming I just started hitting her... I spend 14 hours in a police cell and get a caution on my record cos the solicitor said it's easier to admit you slapped her rather than take it to court etc... What had driven me to this? I have never hit anyone before especially not a woman! This was INSANE.

 

While I'm locked up she then goes through my computer and reads all my emails and messages. She finds loads of messages/chat with other "females" friends and Xgfs (which I wasn't allowed to be open with cos of her trust issues). She accuses me of cheating with my Ex, and trying to set up a date with an ex-student who wanted to meet up just because we share an interest in music and I wanted to meet her...

 

Anyway, it all calms down then, I ask her where my stuff is. She texts and says "I'll send it to your new Girlfriend". Anyway, I reason with her, go back to get my stuff and say we need to talk one last time. We make up, and she tells me she loves me and we then have the closest, most calm and intimate evening ever... I tell her I love her am committed and apologise profusely about letting it get physical argumentative. We agree to sort our issues and that this cannot happen again, then again I say however I need to know what were doing, especially now (now only 2 weeks before I need stability to get back to work) Are we together or not? I say I'll cook dinner and she agree's. As soon as I leave the supermarket I get a text and says "I need you to leave me alone for a while so I can think..."

 

To me this is quite painful. So in my mind I call it a day, I'm ending this rubbish forever. I throw the groceries into the bin, get in the car get all my stuff and leave her. I understand her need for space but I've been waiting 4 months for some stability in my life (living out of a suitcase) and with only two weeks to go before starting back at work I need answers! I cannot wait another week... I've been giving her all my commitment and love and deeply inside I want it to work but she won't listen or trust in me...

 

So I break it off, no contact at all and I ignore her. Its done, over.

 

By day two of NC she won't stop calling me and texting me, emailing me. She says "how can I desire someone so much and then have it all taken away from me..", I love you and all the rest. She makes a threat to email my own sister "what has happened" (i.e. to make out I'm sort of woman beater to my close family) if I don't respond to her...

 

A couple of days later, I give in and a have a huge 3 hour long talk with her about how we're going to fix these issues, that I am committed to her and I love her (as I am), I convince her I haven't cheated (which I never have) and she wants me back again. Then literally overnight her minds changes "I can't be with someone who is still in contact with their ex like that etc.) is emotionally abusive, hits women, is cheating etc..."

 

Then I explain that SHE is the one trust issues, I tell her the truth about what her "expectations" have done to my self-esteem, and that I HAVE NOT CHEATED EVER, she replies with "**** off", and now she won't talk to me at all... we haven't tried to contact each other now for a few days. "**** off" was just the most childish thing I've seen her do.

 

I called her briefly after that message the other day and just tried to talk to her rationally and try and end the relationship peacefully, but she just started screaming down the phone...

 

 

 

So now what do I do? I'm supposed to start work in about 2 weeks, have nowhere to live (it's difficult to get affordable accommodation in London, you even have to "interview" to pay £600 a week for some shoebox in an Xfactor type housemate stand off to rent a room in London) and probably couldn't stand going back to flat-sharing in some ****ty part of the east-end of London again, and having no emotional support (friends/family) around me trying to get over this, I feel if I go back I'm setting myself up for severe depression again. Trouble is, I'll find it hard to get another job like this and seriously this was my dream job... I was a uni lecturer in a really specific and exciting field, had lots of projects going on, and interesting research. I'd just saved our department from closing down pretty much and alleviated any danger of being made redundant. Getting another job like this will never happen again because literally there is no other job like it. Also I've now got a caution for common assault on my record (which won't look good if I want to become a college lecturer or work with under 16's again) and since I was applying for loads of jobs with major agencies and then wasting their time (due to not knowing what was going on with the relationship etc.) I think I have p**sed off those agencies that may have been able to get me another job.

 

I feel totally guilty for everything, for hurting her, having doubts, not having my future sorted out, not good enough and like I have set my life back 10 years now. I just don't know what to do!

 

 

All the ingredients are there for a future with her, I have a good job and it's easy to get another additional part-time job down there which will bring in £50k+. We were even looking at houses together.... and despite all the negative portrayal it was a beautiful union. We had an intimacy like no other, the relationship had never gone stagnant in any way, the sex was amazing, we both find each other really attractive, loved a lot of things commonly, and the romance levels are out of this world and loved our time together when these issues weren't showing their ugly face. We have the combined income for a house and family easily and could buy a house tomorrow, but now I have to move back to my mothers, ditch my job, and try to deal with this break-up with nothing! no life! or money! to distract from the depression of it. Somehow get another job? and find a woman in my soulless home town...

 

She is now almost 37, it might be too late to have time to build another relationship and buy a house/kids with someone else. She has to get it right with her next date (probably crossed her mind with me... I am convinced that was the reason she was judging "me" obviously, her desperation to have kids). I was committed to her, loved her and would do anything for her, but her trust issues and constantly accusing me of cheating, and not wanting to get involved in my social life yet blaming ME for it has ruined us.

 

 

 

 

 

So there it is, how to have your life ruined by a relationship, a warning to all! I know it might be nothing in comparison to having your wife leave you and take your house and kids etc, but it still doesn't make it any easier. I have no job, will find it difficult to get a job, no woman and no children and no life now aged 35, now stuck in my "bedroom" from 15 years ago with depression, when I was doing ok in life before I met her...

 

 

Thanks for reading! comments welcome

[2muchlove]

Forget about her, she is "damaged goods". Always has been and always will be.

 

You need to look in the mirror and work on yourself. A healthy person would never be with a women like that, allow themselves to go through the crap she put you through, etc.

 

Being "Captain Save A Ho" or dating and entering into relationships with "Fixer Uppers" is a no win situation and if you were healthy... You wouldn't dream of it.

 

My Advice...

 

1. Take a time out from women, dating, relationships.

 

2. Clean up the mess you made.

 

3. Get Healthy

 

4. Never speak or have anything to do with this life sucking b1tch ever again.

 

While I am sorry you went through all of this. I do have to agree with Gibson.

 

I am a big culprit of this with my last girlfriend and while I'm still devastated from the break up I am grateful knowing that kind of toxicity isn't in my life anymore.

 

Life isn't over. You still have great friends and family to look after you.

 

It's a new chapter.

 

Make sure you don't get yourself back into this mess.

[Mike_d]

does this read like "I hate you, don't leave me!" to anybody else??

 

your life is not ruined, quite the contrary, you have your life back, you didn't marry her, you didn't have kids with her, you don't have real estate or any other huge financial purchase with her. you, my friend, have been touched by an angel. there are many many many here who would trade places with you in a heartbeat given that you have the opportunity to go stone cold NC on this 'colorful' ex of yours. others here have kids, real estate, future family issues, deaths in the family, etc that in most cases require further interaction. not for you my lucky friend

 

I totally understand that you cannot begin to fathom this ^ given the current condition of the chemicals coursing throughout your brain at the moment. You will get there. A hearty congratulations for surviving. You are clearly strong enough, having gone through all of that, to make the investment in yourself and get back on your feet. you can do this

[2muchlove]

does this read like "I hate you, don't leave me!" to anybody else??

 

your life is not ruined, quite the contrary, you have your life back, you didn't marry her, you didn't have kids with her, you don't have real estate or any other huge financial purchase with her. you, my friend, have been touched by an angel. there are many many many here who would trade places with you in a heartbeat given that you have the opportunity to go stone cold NC on this 'colorful' ex of yours. others here have kids, real estate, future family issues, deaths in the family, etc that in most cases require further interaction. not for you my lucky friend

 

I totally understand that you cannot begin to fathom this ^ given the current condition of the chemicals coursing throughout your brain at the moment. You will get there. A hearty congratulations for surviving. You are clearly strong enough, having gone through all of that, to make the investment in yourself and get back on your feet. you can do this

 

Exactly.

 

Read the book and shed some light on the situation for yourself.

[Mike_d]

here, I'll do it again for y'all

 

<cough><cough>torrent<cough>stop walking on eggshells<cough><cough>pdf<cough>thepiratebay<cough>dot com<cough>

 

sorry, something in my throat, took me a second to get that frog out of there

 

lol

[weallfalldown]

35, now stuck in my "bedroom" from 15 years ago with depression, when I was doing ok in life before I met her...

 

mate 1'm 37 and in the same boat.......i know how it feels.....

 

Human's were're the worst species of all!!!....

[Tree_Salmon]

I agree with all of this.

 

No use in trying to fix a damaged woman.

 

Pick yourself up and move forward.

[Dblock10]

head ache much? this is madness, and possibly the longest post ive ever read

 

she doesnt deserve you. that isnt love

[soccerrprp]

madtek,

 

I feel for you. Good luck, but it should be noted that your efforts show a man genuinely committed to giving himself even when things are just not meant to be...hopeless romantic...we need such people in the world. It sucks...

 

I don't know many women at all that doesn't have some baggage or damaged from previous relationship. Especially for women...

 

I met one who was in a 7+ year engagement and knew that it wouldn't work from the beginning, but held on thinking that she could fix it...couldn't and was taken advantage of...our time together was difficult needless to say, but I made efforts to try to show her that I wasn't like her ex'es. Still, her past made it difficult for her to be more open, etc...

 

Some women are worth helping, holding on to, but this one certainly didn't sound like one of them.

 

Good luck!

[2muchlove]

There's your Problem!

 

 

 

Oh... You go for these kind of women.

 

A woman fresh out of a dysfunctional 7 year engagement who you tried to "fix" and "prove" to her that you were better than the ahole she still had feelings for and wanted.

 

How did that work out for the OP, you and every other "Captain Fix A Ho" or guy who chases after "Fixer Uppers"?

 

You think you have to "prove" yourself for someone to want you.

 

You go for "damaged" women because those are the only ones you can "prove" yourself too.

 

My Advice...

 

1. Learn to love yourself.

 

2. Get your self-worth, value, validation, approval, happiness, identity, self-esteem, etc. from within.

 

3. Have boundaries.

 

4. Use your brain.

 

Your life and love life will be amazing!

 

 

 

Don't date unhealthy women who need help.

 

Date women who are healthy, happy and full of life. Who want to share themselves and experience life with you.

 

I have the same problem Gibson. Not to thread jack or anything. But it's a real issue for me. I'm the epitome of captain save-a-hoe.

 

But the irony is that the only time I've started any kind of relationship is when I am at a time in my life where I feel like I'm at my finest and most confident. But once I realize how damaged they are I'm already too emotionally invested and don't want to give it up.

 

Any advice or books you could offer on this matter?

[Tree_Salmon]

 

Date women who are healthy, happy and full of life. Who want to share themselves and experience life with you.

 

Truer words were never spoken.

 

Damaged women are a waste of time.

 

I had the "superman" complex enough to know that it just wastes good opportunities for other things.

 

Grow your balls and be happy with yourself. There are stable women... somewhere.

[soccerrprp]

I'm not into seeking out women with such issues...as these things come up when you have become invested as 2muchlove suggests. I am at the top of the world right now and always am when i get into a relationship...i don't believe in ditching someone when I see that she is trying to make efforts to move on as well from previous negative relationships... it' didn't work out for me with my ex, but i am a very confident individual...always have been and always am...

 

it takes time to see where a relationship is going and I am about giving the time needed to see if it will work out...I don't abandon people because of their past w/o giving them a chance....

 

Frankly, you don't need books to make yourself more less prone to being understanding or caring...just be blunt and honest about what you will accept and what you will not...

 

btw, i wasn't giving the OP advice to stay with his ex...i was merely saying that there are women who deserve and worth the time...that, my friend, is a TRUTH...and why people who have been hurt sometimes find the person they deserve despite the hurt of the past...

Edited August 11, 2012 by soccerrprp

[soccerrprp]

gibson,

 

it sounds like you have some issues to overcome yourself. good luck to you. i hope you find all the good that we all deserve...

[Xestenz]

 

Hurt People, hurt people.

 

The sooner you figure that out, the better off you will be.

 

Your post is awesome Gibson -- powerful and perfectly insightful and true. Thank you.

 

I just learned this the hard way with an otherwise very cool woman who was 1.5 years out of a bad eight year marriage, but was clearly not healed or over it. She had baggage, damage, ailments, and issues galore.

 

Man did I get hurt. I ignored red flags, tried to work with her, tried to compensate for her issues. It was just a big waste of time for me.

 

Another issue with dating damaged people is that you often end up getting really sucked into their lives, so you're not only dealing with her issues, but those of her family, parents, kids, ex's, sister-in-laws, failed businesses, lost dogs, finances, etc. This makes it even more difficult to unravel your emotions after you've invested in all of this.

 

Knowing what I know now from this experience I will not allow myself to get into this situation again - a hard won lesson. The warning signs are always crystal clear if you are paying attention.

[Sugarkane]

Wow I lost count how many times she dumped you WTF? I'd completely cut her off no matter what. Why did you even put up with this?

[Downtown]

Madtek, like you, I lectured at the university level (at two different schools). And, like you, I spent time in jail -- 3 days in my case -- for allegedly "brutalizing" my partner (my exW). I agree with MikeD that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, inability to trust, verbal and physical abuse, rapid flips from loving you to hating you, always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy all of the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD.

 

Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether she is a good marriage candidate, you don't need to know whether her traits surpass the diagnostic threshold. Even when they fall well short of that threshold, these traits can make your life miserable. Moreover, strong BPD traits are easy to identify when occurring in a woman you've been dating for 3 years. There is nothing subtle about symptoms such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, and temper tantrums. As Gibson explains, it is important to be able to identify the red flags.

Her trust issues and constantly accusing me of cheating...has ruined us.

If she is a "BPDer" (i.e., has moderate to strong traits of BPD), she will be incapable of trusting you until she learns how to trust and love herself. Sadly, the chance of that ever happening is extremely small. The result of this lack of trust is that a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. Indeed, that fear is so great that BPDers typically will preemptively abandon their partners -- usually many, many times -- to prevent the partners from abandoning them.

Then all of sudden she dumped me yet again!

As I said, this dumping is typical behavior for BPDers. A recent survey of the nonBPD members at BPDfamily.com found that 62% of the relationships had broken up and reunited at least 3 times BEFORE finally walking away for good. Indeed, 8.5% of the relationships experienced 6 to 9 breakup/makeup cycles -- and nearly a fourth experienced 10 or more such cycles -- before walking away.

Despite all the negative portrayal it was a beautiful union. We had an intimacy like no other... the sex was amazing.

Of course it was beautiful. And, of course, you experienced the hottest, most passionate sex of your lifetime. Otherwise, there is no way in hell that you would have kept going back -- again and again -- to such an abusive woman. As you say, you were "addicted to her."

 

BPDer relationships are so addictive because, when a BPDer is loving you ("splitting you white"), she is very VERY good. And when she is bad ("splitting you black"), she is very VERY bad. You therefore end up in a cycle of incredible highs alternating with terrible painful withdrawals -- just like any junkie experiences.

I found myself going crazy with non-stop voices in my head.... I suddenly had a nervous breakdown.

This is very common for the partners living with a BPDer. You never should have moved in with her. Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the one that -- by far -- is most notorious for making the partners and spouses feel like they are going crazy. The result is that therapists see far more of the partners coming in (to find out if they might be losing their minds) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

This utter confusion and disorientation is so common that the ex-partners have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie, Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. His objective is to get her institutionalized so he can run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to keep lowering the house gas lights a tiny bit each day, all the while claiming he is able to see and read just fine.

My life now revolved around doing things for her, making her happy, and walking on eggshells....

This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. MikeD mentions this book in post #6 above.

The constant criticisms and dumping, then getting back together... completely screwed my head.

This unending cycle of push-away and pull-back is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me! MikeD mentions this book in post #4 above.

She lured me in and we got back together again...

This "luring" creates such a powerful suction (consisting of adoration, love bombing and passionate sex) that ex-partners refer to it as "hoovering." It is name after the popular vacuum cleaner.

I felt so weak at this point I had no choice.

Nonsense. Of course you had a choice, as Gibson explains. Like I repeatedly did with my exW, you simply kept choosing to go back to her. Importantly, the toxic relationship was not something SHE was doing to you. Rather, it was something you BOTH were doing to each other. Her contribution to the toxicity is easy to see. Yours is more hidden, however.

 

What you were doing wrong is being an "enabler." You were enabling her to continue throwing temper tantrums and hissy fits -- behaving like a petulant four year old -- and GETTING AWAY WITH IT. In that way, you were harming her by destroying her opportunities to have to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them (i.e., learn how to grow up). For her benefit as well as your own, it is important that you stay away from her -- allowing her to suffer the logical consequences of her own selfish, hurtful behaviors. Otherwise, she will have no incentive to change them.

I feel totally guilty for everything, for hurting her, having doubts....

My experience was that the quickest way to get rid of the oppressive feeling of guilt (of leaving) was to educate myself about my exW's BPD traits. Being an excessive caregiver like you, I had trouble establishing strong personal boundaries. I therefore had trouble distinguishing between her problems and my own problems. Instead, I saw everything as OUR problems.

 

Once I started seeing HER problems, however, I was able to clearly see -- by subtraction -- what my contribution to the toxic relationship had been. What I learned is that, as an excessive caregiver, my desire to be needed (for what I could do) far exceeded by desire to be loved (for the man I already was).

I just don't know what to do!

Madtek, my advice is to stay away from the exGF and return to London and the job that you love so much. I believe you will be surprised to find out how quickly you return to your old, strong self when you stop hitting yourself in the head with a hammer every day, i.e., when you remove the emotionally unstable woman from your life.

 

I don't know whether your GF has strong BPD traits. I've never met the woman. I am convinced, however, that you are fully capable of spotting any and all red flags exhibited by a woman you've been dating for three years. Likewise, the Mayo Clinic believes you are capable of spotting such traits when they occur. That's why it posts the BPD traits for the lay public to read on their website at Personality disorders: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com.

 

Similarly, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) describes BPD traits on its website for the public at NIMH · What are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?. Indeed, hundreds of hospitals and mental health centers are now providing this information on their Internet sites to educate the general public. Health centers do this because, when people know the symptoms for a disease or disorder, they are far more likely to seek professional help and to do so quickly. Simply stated, knowledge is power.

 

An easy place to start reading is my brief description of these traits in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Madtek.

Edited August 12, 2012 by Downtown

[weallfalldown]

Truer words were never spoken.

 

Damaged women are a waste of time.

 

I had the "superman" complex enough to know that it just wastes good opportunities for other things.

 

Grow your balls and be happy with yourself. There are stable women... somewhere.

 

 

ROFL................yea where???????????

[madtek]

Thanks for all the support here! To be honest I'm not sure if it was BPD or just a severe desperation to find the "right" guy to have children... At 37 she's pushing it now.

 

But what I don't get is why she would let a text message from another woman saying things like "i love you mucka" completely destroy her relationship... and why since then the incessant trust issues. Also I don't understand why after persistently complaining about not being a part of my social/family life she then wouldn't take up any offers of being involved in it.

 

Surely the best thing to do would be to fix those issues, especially if I was her "last chance" to settle and have a family which I was offering her anyway...

 

I'm sad and kind of relieved in a way it's over. I've analysed and analysed every text, email and logged communication and it seems that after dumping me initially, and then her apparent idea that I was cheating, ruined it after 18 months, and the following 14 months have just been me trying to convince her that these issues can be fixed, but without any success...

 

How do you convince a woman who has trust and pride issues (damaged goods) that she needs help? How do you convince her that I wasn't cheating and why so incessant on having to believe the worst?

 

I really would like to talk to her to resolve things to get some closure. Still feeling really really sad that she couldn't see a happy future for us... and of course the not eating and feeling like I've lost my soulmate blah blah I'm totally heart-broken and life-broken

[Downtown]

I'm not sure if it was BPD or just a severe desperation to find the "right" guy to have children./QUOTE]Madtek, a desperation to have children fails to explain the abnormal behaviors you describe: the temper tantrums, inability to trust, verbal and physical abuse, rapid flips from loving you to hating you, always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking.

What I don't get is why she would let a text message from another woman saying things like "i love you mucka" completely destroy her relationship... and why since then the incessant trust issues. Also I don't understand why after persistently complaining about not being a part of my social/family life she then wouldn't take up any offers of being involved in it.

The answers to these questions are largely explained in my post in Rebel's thread. If you are sincerely interested in finding out, please follow the link I provided above.

How do you convince a woman who has trust and pride issues (damaged goods) that she needs help?

You don't. I tried for 15 years -- spending over $200,000 on taking my BPDer exW to weekly therapy sessions with six different psychologists -- all to no avail. If she is a BPDer, it is extremely unlikely she will ever have the self awareness and ego strength needed to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.

How do you convince her that I wasn't cheating and why so incessant on having to believe the worst?

With BPDers, the harder you work to prove your love and devotion, the more insistent they become that you MUST be unfaithful and not love them. Because they are incapable of loving or trusting themselves, they cannot believe anyone else would do so either.

I really would like to talk to her to resolve things to get some closure.

If she is a BPDer, you will never get "closure." A BPDer is convinced that her intense feelings MUST be true. You cannot reason with such a person. Moreover, because her intense feelings change every week or so, whatever she is convinced of now will almost certainly change anyway. And then it will change back again.