SeventhFloor Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 My friend Is dying. Today is his last day. I met him through my ex. His girlfriend asked me to please come see him one last time. My ex will most likely be there, with her new boyfriend. They have been dating for 1 month. Its their anniversary...the same day as ours. Anyway. I don't know what to do. Please help. My ex just texted me - he's dying, this is where we are. I haven't responded, I've been exactly 1 month NC. 1 month NC today. Their 1 month anniversary today. Same day as our anniversary. My friend is dying.
weallfalldown Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 ****....you'll just have to endure it........i'm sorry to hear that..........
Mike_d Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 (edited) wow, that's tough. anyway to figure out how to visit him without her around? contact other family members, explain the situation, make the request that she leave during the time that you are there? Edited August 8, 2012 by Mike_d really poor choice of words, ugh
Chi townD Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Screw her, this isn't about you and her. It's about seeing your friend and you're given the opportunity to say goodbye to him. Don't let her ruin that opportunity for you. Go see him, I think he would like the opportunity to see you, so don't rob him of that. Visit and as soon as you're done. Just leave. Here's the rub, (and I hate to sound morbid) I'm pretty sure that you'll probably see her the wake and funeral. So, there's no getting around that now. So, see him while he's alive and tell him how much his friendship has meant to you. 5
Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 Don't respond to her, just go to the hostpital and visit your friend. It's not about your ex right now. In the future, you will regret not seeing your friend one last time because of a sh**** ex girlfriend. f*** her and what she's doing and just block her out when you're there. I'm really sorry about your friend. 1
flitzanu Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 yup. your friend exists, and you need to see your friend. your ex does not exist in your life, and you should pretend that she doesn't exist if she's in that room. 2
beyond Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I'm so sorry about your friend. This is about him, not you, not your ex, not your ex's bf. Go and see him, concentrate on him, do what you can. Everything else is just wallpaper. xx 1
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 Thank you for the advice. This is greater than her and I. I'm parked at the hospital, about to go in. I can feel my heart breaking. 1
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I'm trying to gather whatever strength I can muster. The strength to see her, the strength to see him, the strength to watch my friend die. I don't want to cry, but I keep fighting back tears. I don't want her to see me cry either, not anymore. God please give me strength.
Chi townD Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I'm trying to gather whatever strength I can muster. The strength to see her, the strength to see him, the strength to watch my friend die. I don't want to cry, but I keep fighting back tears. I don't want her to see me cry either, not anymore. God please give me strength. Dude, it's okay to cry when you need to. Just let it happen and don't worry about it. You're human and this is going to be tough for you. Lean on your friends and family right now. They'll understand. They know you're going through a lot of crap right now. And you can post here too. People will listen. Good luck, and I'm also sorry you're going through this.
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I've just arrived home from the hospital. This is how my interaction went...it was perfect... It was tough seeing my friend, and his girlfriend, but she was really happy I was there. I broke down when I saw him, my ex was not around. In fact, my ex's new guy wasn't around either. I approached the family waiting room and saw my ex, and all our mutual friends (really, her friends). I ignored my ex, and just greeted all the others - they were very happy to see me! All hugs, smiles, etc...very well considering the circumstances. While talking to them, they really got a chance to see who I really was and I think they do still like me for who I am (in fact, they were all super awesome). I sat down, and my ex approached me and sat across from me. Had a short conversation, went really well on my part. She just asked how I was doing, I was smiling and saying fine and giving her very short answers. We cracked a few jokes, smiled and laughed but I didn't pay her much attention. A bunch of people had texted me, and I was texting them back while she was talking so I was very distracted. When I would look up at her, she was STARING at me straight in the face. She asked if I was uncomfortable with her talking to me. I LAUGHED! And said no! She smiled and while I was texting asked, "What - are you writing an essay to someone?" and I go, "No - a bunch of people have texted me and I'm just now getting a chance to respond." Then she said, "I still really have something I want to say to you. So can we talk?" the same exact time, my friend called me! So I said, "I have nothing to say." got up, answered the call and walked away! IT WAS PERFECT! Hung out with a few other people, etc, went back into the room and talked to people while still ignoring her. I left to go have a cigarette alone. As I was in the elevator, she approached me and said, "Hey. Can we talk?" I looked her in the eyes, said "No." and closed the elevator door. I saw her slump with rejection. Then, when I said I was leaving, she got up and said she was leaving too. So I walked the long way out so I didn't have to see her. Saw her on the 1st floor, she was texting (most likely her boyfriend, it IS their anniversary - and ours too), so I turned around and walked away. I wonder if she remembers that it's our anniversary too. I think this interaction went well...I have no clue how she now feels about me. She could now be seeing something to make her regret it OR she could be going, "Well he is perfectly fine and happy so I will be happy too!" I'm actually glad I didn't get a chance to talk to her (seriously). 1
notsure252 Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I think she remembered your anniversary. I would have probably said I had like five minutes and that's it just to hear it. But your way of handling was fine too.
Samilia Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 My friend Is dying. Today is his last day. I met him through my ex. His girlfriend asked me to please come see him one last time. My ex will most likely be there, with her new boyfriend. They have been dating for 1 month. Its their anniversary...the same day as ours. Anyway. I don't know what to do. Please help. My ex just texted me - he's dying, this is where we are. I haven't responded, I've been exactly 1 month NC. 1 month NC today. Their 1 month anniversary today. Same day as our anniversary. My friend is dying. To be honest I have no clue why it's so hard to answer to make your decision. If a friend is dying, you go say good bye. . That's my view on it. Who cares if the ex is going to be there? Ignore her if you must, just be strong!
Samilia Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) I've just arrived home from the hospital. This is how my interaction went...it was perfect... It was tough seeing my friend, and his girlfriend, but she was really happy I was there. I broke down when I saw him, my ex was not around. In fact, my ex's new guy wasn't around either. I approached the family waiting room and saw my ex, and all our mutual friends (really, her friends). I ignored my ex, and just greeted all the others - they were very happy to see me! All hugs, smiles, etc...very well considering the circumstances. While talking to them, they really got a chance to see who I really was and I think they do still like me for who I am (in fact, they were all super awesome). I sat down, and my ex approached me and sat across from me. Had a short conversation, went really well on my part. She just asked how I was doing, I was smiling and saying fine and giving her very short answers. We cracked a few jokes, smiled and laughed but I didn't pay her much attention. A bunch of people had texted me, and I was texting them back while she was talking so I was very distracted. When I would look up at her, she was STARING at me straight in the face. She asked if I was uncomfortable with her talking to me. I LAUGHED! And said no! She smiled and while I was texting asked, "What - are you writing an essay to someone?" and I go, "No - a bunch of people have texted me and I'm just now getting a chance to respond." Then she said, "I still really have something I want to say to you. So can we talk?" the same exact time, my friend called me! So I said, "I have nothing to say." got up, answered the call and walked away! IT WAS PERFECT! Hung out with a few other people, etc, went back into the room and talked to people while still ignoring her. I left to go have a cigarette alone. As I was in the elevator, she approached me and said, "Hey. Can we talk?" I looked her in the eyes, said "No." and closed the elevator door. I saw her slump with rejection. Then, when I said I was leaving, she got up and said she was leaving too. So I walked the long way out so I didn't have to see her. Saw her on the 1st floor, she was texting (most likely her boyfriend, it IS their anniversary - and ours too), so I turned around and walked away. I wonder if she remembers that it's our anniversary too. I think this interaction went well...I have no clue how she now feels about me. She could now be seeing something to make her regret it OR she could be going, "Well he is perfectly fine and happy so I will be happy too!" I'm actually glad I didn't get a chance to talk to her (seriously). Good job! No, great job!!! Glad you got to say good bye. PS: she either wanted to.. apologize cause she knows she hurt you but she's happy now or some similar sad self absorbed story.. we're glad you didn't get to hear that. Or maybe she wanted to throw breadcrumbs at you "maybe one day" blahblah... Either way, you kept all the power to yourself. I'm glad! Edited August 9, 2012 by Samilia
hopeful4someday Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 My friend Is dying. Today is his last day. I met him through my ex. His girlfriend asked me to please come see him one last time. My ex will most likely be there, with her new boyfriend. They have been dating for 1 month. Its their anniversary...the same day as ours. Anyway. I don't know what to do. Please help. My ex just texted me - he's dying, this is where we are. I haven't responded, I've been exactly 1 month NC. 1 month NC today. Their 1 month anniversary today. Same day as our anniversary. My friend is dying. Your friend's dying. Put the petty crap aside and go be there where you need to be. What's important right now is that you be there for your friend. Forget NC or the ex drama. It's irrelevant.
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 If you've read through the thread, you'll understand that I indeed did put the petty crap aside, and went for my friends' sakes. As for the exchange that happened between my ex and I... did I do the right thing? I guess we'll see in a few weeks. I wonder what her reactions meant. I wonder if it'll make her regret her decision... or miss me.
YorickBrown Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 If you've read through the thread, you'll understand that I indeed did put the petty crap aside, and went for my friends' sakes. As for the exchange that happened between my ex and I... did I do the right thing? I guess we'll see in a few weeks. I wonder what her reactions meant. I wonder if it'll make her regret her decision... or miss me. I'm sorry about your friend's condition.... And...sorry too...but you seem to be also "dying"...to find out if what you did was "right" while also trying to figure out if you somehow "won" your "showdown" with the ex...something like that right? Well, it did work out in your favor for the most part (showing how unaffected you are by her advances) but it was also a "hollow victory" for you since now you're again left "wondering" ... That's what happens when you break NC
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 If you've read through the thread, you'll understand that I indeed did put the petty crap aside, and went for my friends' sakes. As for the exchange that happened between my ex and I... did I do the right thing? I guess we'll see in a few weeks. I wonder what her reactions meant. I wonder if it'll make her regret her decision... or miss me. I think you did...okay. If it were me I would have done things a little differently and you can probably use this in the future if you have to go to the wake and funeral and she approaches you again. When she approached you and asked if you two could talk, I would have said, " Given the circumstances of why we're here and the stress that everyone is under right now, I don't think that this is the time or the place for us to be discussing things. This isn't about you and I. I'm here to support my friend who isn't going to be here much longer." Then, I would have walked away from her. This way, you would have made her think, " He's right, I'm such a selfish bitch to be thinking about myself right now at a time like this." It would have been a tactful guilt trip. 2
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Well, it did work out in your favor for the most part (showing how unaffected you are by her advances) but it was also a "hollow victory" for you since now you're again left "wondering" ... That's what happens when you break NC This is true, but I had no choice. "Hollow Victory" indeed, because in the end, she's still with him. And it's really bugging me to know whether they are happy together. I think you did...okay. If it were me I would have done things a little differently and you can probably use this in the future if you have to go to the wake and funeral and she approaches you again. When she approached you and asked if you two could talk, I would have said, " Given the circumstances of why we're here and the stress that everyone is under right now, I don't think that this is the time or the place for us to be discussing things. This isn't about you and I. I'm here to support my friend who isn't going to be here much longer." Then, I would have walked away from her. This way, you would have made her think, " He's right, I'm such a selfish bitch to be thinking about myself right now at a time like this." It would have been a tactful guilt trip. I should have had you as a coach Yes that would have been a proper response. But given the circumstances, and the unpreparedness, I believe I did alright. She texted me twice this morning with my friend's condition. He is gone. I would be devastated but I had the chance to see him and say good bye, which is a gift. I now wonder what she's thinking about me after yesterday.
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 Moreso, my mind is boggled as to why she wants to talk SO bad. What does she want to talk about? Just to apologize? "I'm sorry for cheating on you, leading you on, making your life hell, lying, being a really crappy girlfriend, but it's okay because the dude I'm with now makes me really happy and I love him"? Does she seriously want to pull that crap? Or is it that she doesn't like their relationship (probably NOT), and wants to see if I'm still around for her? I highly doubt this...she's such a bitch. Damn. Now I want to know what she thinks after I said No, we can't talk.
YorickBrown Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 This is true, but I had no choice. "Hollow Victory" indeed, because in the end, she's still with him. And it's really bugging me to know whether they are happy together. Well, now that I think about it....its not even a hollow victory...more like a "tie" really (in which case, she wins). Also, you did have a choice...you could have just gone and said goodbye to your friend and left immediately after. Instead, you "hung around" (please, don't make me quote back the entire show)...you broke NC, ok fine, but you could still have gone LC (although that would still have not helped)...keeping yourself "distracted" texting was kinda lame. The only thing I could think of for you to have come out really on top in that situation was to go nuts in breaking NC and flaunt that you're really doing OK without her by having an entourage of hookers (dressed as nurses) escort you around the hospital. Heck, you could have even gotten yourself paged... to the 7th floor! (Psyche ward?)
Mike_d Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 ^ I disagree I think he did great. Limited time to prepare emotionally for what was in front of him. He was strong and collected in front of her initially, shot her down pretty gracefully for winging it, then stayed totally consistent on the 2nd time he shot her down at the elevator. Supported his friends and showed his strength by standing tall and not ejecting while he was catching up with everybody while not allowing her presence to shake him. eff me, hoping that I would do something close to that if it was me in his situation. Given the circumstances of why we're here and the stress that everyone is under right now, I don't think that this is the time or the place for us to be discussing things. This isn't about you and I. I'm here to support my friend who isn't going to be here much longer." this is money, I too can't think that fast on my feet and would have never been able to pull this out of my behind in a situation like that, but what a great and on target response. In the end I give you 2 huge thumbs up for your effort. About todays 2 texts - keep up the NC, she is with another guy, eff her. Just sit back and take care of you as best you can, it'll settle down in a few days. Besides, you'll prob cross paths in a few more days at the service, so it's not like she is going anywhere. eh, who knows, maybe you can break that line above out on her then. but good job
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2012 Posted August 9, 2012 Moreso, my mind is boggled as to why she wants to talk SO bad. What does she want to talk about? Just to apologize? "I'm sorry for cheating on you, leading you on, making your life hell, lying, being a really crappy girlfriend, but it's okay because the dude I'm with now makes me really happy and I love him"? Does she seriously want to pull that crap? Or is it that she doesn't like their relationship (probably NOT), and wants to see if I'm still around for her? I highly doubt this...she's such a bitch. Damn. Now I want to know what she thinks after I said No, we can't talk. Girls are really weird and they can not stand to think that there's a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person on the inside. So, she's deseperate to get you in the friend zone in a bad way. Seeing you yesterday brought that guilt about what she did right to the front of her brain. If you see her at the funeral or wake. She might try to talk to you again. She might say she's sorry for everything. Here's the coach speaking now . If she says she's sorry, you can say something like, "In time, I'll be able to forgive you as a person. But as a girlfriend, you've crossed a line that we'll never be able to get back over." Then walk away. If she says, "I really want to be your friend." You say, " I didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with you just to take a step back and be nothing more than a friend to you."
Author SeventhFloor Posted August 12, 2012 Author Posted August 12, 2012 Thank you guys for your support, it means a lot. And that coaching is excellent. I couldn't have said it better myself, and now I know what to say. The thing is, I kind of want to hear what she has to say. BUT i DON'T want to make her feel better about what she did! Should I contact her? And just say, "I'd like to hear what you've been wanting to talk to me about for so long."?
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