Seeking some answers

[vais4loveha]

Ok so this is a long one and i kind of know what i should be doing but would like some others to chime in and give some advice.

 

So I got dumped almost 3 months ago, after an 11 month relationship. She said it was because of some things I said and did. First thing I did was i back off from having sex with her on a trip we were taking because I felt like the relationship was turning into a physical relationship and wasnt sure if it was still on track for marriage. I made the mistake of telling her that I had been thinking with my penis instead of my brain and that i needed to get back into an emotional relationship with her. This didnt sit to well with her.

 

Then came the trip. As we were making the car ride to the hotel I said how sorry i was that i had made that comment and that i didnt mean it in a negative way. I told her that I felt like we had rushed into telling each other that we loved the other person and that I needed to make sure that it wasnt just the honeymoon phase but a long lasting relationship. At this point things seemed like they were a little better and we started to talk about getting over it. We then got on the subject of the night i made that comment and she tells me that she went out and got smashed with some of her friends. Then she tells me that one of her close guy friends took her home and in her driveway tells her that, "if he were her boyfriend he wouldnt treat her like that, and that he kind of liked her." So i then asked if they did anything and she tells me no, that she made it clear she had a bf. So the trip continued. Now we didnt have sex but we did have a long passionate session with each other in the hotel which i took as a sign that things were better. So later on in the trip I screwed up again and made a comment about one of her facial features. Nothing to severe i just wanted to know how she made it look so good. yeah that came back to bite me in the butt!

 

so anyways we make our trip home and everything is great i get back to my house and hang out for a few hours then send her on her way home so that she could get her grad school homework finish. Which i thought was a kind gesture. Anyways as our 1 year anniversary gets closer i start making suggestions to things we could do. I wanted to take her to see her favorite baseball team play because she never had been to NYC before, cause her dad thought it was too dangerous. So i recommended a few things and was told that no matter what it was she would be happy because she was spending the time with me. No i did throw out one suggestion that she shot down because she had been to the place so many times before, but i was ok with that.

 

So anyways a week goes by and we send texts back and forth like nomal until that thursday. She suddenly seemed extremely cold and negative so i let it go for the night. Finally the next day i text her and ask if everything is alright. To which she replies cant talk to busy. Finally later that night she asks if we can talk after dinner. So she calls me up and starts by say that we need to just be friends. she then tells me that she no longer loves me, even though a week before she was asking about spending time together and our future? This took me back, but i let her go through everything that she needed to say. Finally I asked her at the end if she could she us getting back together sometime in the future to which she replied, " Wow i didnt even think you would ask me that." So i said yes i still love you and told her i needed to end the conversation because it was starting to hurt just talking to her.

 

Now I understand that i screwed up and said a few things that hurt her but always made the effort to fix them. Our relationship was only this way 1.5 months before she dumped me. Before that i would have done anything for her. I bought her everything, had her stay at my apartment for a few weeks while she was on break from school and even had her friend down so they could hang out. I also had paid for everything and bought her gifts that blew her mind. I even made an effort to become quite close with her parents, to which she told me that they loved me because no previous bf of hers had done this.

 

So anyways i let it sit for a few days while i was away at training. Then the hurt and pain kicked in. So i did the usual beg and plead for her to take me back. Now the past 3 months have been very interesting on both our parts but i will elaborate after a few responses. I believe she is with that guy that professed his love for her and i think it might just be a rebound?

 

So basically I am wondering did i screw up too much? Was I the typical a**hole, is she going through GiGS? How could her love for me just change over a week?

[KathyM]

You gave her some very mixed signals and you don't seem to know what you want. First you tell her you love her, then you say you moved too fast with that and that you don't feel that way, now you claim you do love her. This on-again-off-again with your feelings is no doubt making her feel like she can't trust what you say, that you don't know what you want, and that your feelings are insincere. You come across as a little borderline. Someone who tries to establish emotional intimacy too quickly, then pushes a person away as soon as you start feeling too close, and then desperately trying to reconnect. That's what people with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to do. You may want to get some counseling to clarify what happened in this relationship, and why you acted the way you did, because it may be a pattern that will be repeated if you do, in fact, have borderline tendencies.

[Canadian731]

I completely agree with KathyM, you don't seem like you know what you want with this relationship, at the beginning you say how you told her that you werent sure and you thought things were moving too fast for you and then you go on to tell her that you love her and how you are showering her with gifts and such. I would strongly recommend taking this time to just figure out your feelings towards this relationship, because if you aren't sure about it I would say that it has been damaged too badly to go back to her.

[vais4loveha]

I see what your saying and it very well may be true. But i guess it would help if I clarified things a little more. She was my first serious gf and as things were moving along I wanted to be sure that she was the girl I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I always told her that I loved her but I was scared because so many marriages end in divorce. When i started to to come across as not loving her it was because I was trying to figure out if I was ready for marriage because it seemed like something we both wanted.

[Ruby65]

1. You rejected her sexually.

 

2. You insulted her face.

 

3. You suggested baseball tickets -- instead of AN ENGAGEMENT RING -- as a one-year anniversary gift....

 

Dude, that's 3 strikes. You'd have to bring something MAJOR to the table if you want another chance, imo.

[vais4loveha]

Ok well since everyone seems to think that i permanently screwed it up let me tell the rest of the story. So here is how the past 2.5 months have gone.

 

After holding off for a few weeks I reached out and sent her flowers saying that the year we had together was amazing and thanking her for showing me that someone could love me the way she did. She never responded to them until I said so i guess you want me out of your life because you havent said anything to me or even said thank you for the flowers. She then said no i have been busy but yes i got them and thanks you. So then we continue to talk and I explain how I honestly screwed up and that I would like to come and see her when i got done training in a few weeks. She then said no, that the only reason I wanted to see her was because I just because i just didnt want to feel alone.

 

So when i got home i wrote a letter explaining that I could not be friends with her and that I need to end things with her or for us to work on our relationship. She called me up and started crying because she didnt want to loose me forever but yet she wasnt ready to be back in a relationship. So i told her that i would drive 3 hours at 8pm that night to sit next to her and fix the problem. When i got there she hugged me and we went to the park to talk. She explained that she needed some time because i had hurt her and that she wanted to hang out with friends without me asking who she was with. I told her that i could not be friends and that I loved her so much but i had fu**ed by saying different thing to her. I cried and said that I didnt want to loose her but being friends with her would just make things worse. She said that i would need to get over it and that it would get better. SO i told her she would never see me again because as a friend i would not drive 3 hours just to come hang out one day. I said that I was going away for a military deployment and i would like to write her letters and keep in contact though. She told me that that was impossible for her to do because i was just using her as someone to talk to and that I just wanted a booty call when i got home. I told her that that was untrue because I still did love her and wanted to be with her. Anyways she got upset t the fact that i was leaving in a few months to go overseas and stormed off crying. I knew that this was a sign she still loved me but was confused as to why she would not take me back. So anyways we finished talking and i drove back to her house for the night sleep on the couch and left in the morning. As i left i hugged her and told her i would miss her and she started crying which i knew meant she still loved me.

 

Anyway i keep in contact with her for another week but again the pain of just being her friend hurt like no other. So again i told her that maybe in a few months we could talk and i deleted her on FB. She then called me back and said that i was being a dick when she was trying to be a nice person. I told her that i still honestly lived her but could not live with just being friends. I knew that maybe a few months or so of not talking to her would make things a little better. But she didnt want any of this so she begged me to keep talking to her. So i stayed on the phone for 2 hours trying to explain how i did love her but that i was confused because she was my first love and i didnt want to hurt her down the road. I wanted to be 100% sure of what i was doing. She said ok and asked if the only reason i wanted to get married now was because all my friends were and i told her no, that i honestly did love her. So we ended that conversation on a good note and i woke up the next morning and sent her a birthday present since her birthday was the next week.

 

I explained to her that i had gotten over the relationship and that the talk the night before had made sense and that we could be friends because she was right about maybe working things out. Anyways i sent her a letter telling her happy birthday and wishing her good luck on all that was to come in life. Then i sent her 3 pictures that i knew she would like. The were of my dog(she loved her since she couldnt have one at home) and two pictures of her favorite flowers. I said that could not send her flowers this year because that was something a boyfriend did and i was not her boyfriend. The other two letters were wishing her good luck on her teaching exam she had soon, telling her that i knew she could pass it because she was super smart and finally a letter telling her that i was thankful she came into my life because she took me out of a dark place where i never thought i would find someone like her. So i sent it all and hoped to her an warm felt thank you in return. All i go was a text saying "i just want to stop hurting. I got your package, thanks. I guess i was just meant to be single." This took me by surprise so i tried to call her but she never picked up. The next day i asked if i could talk to her about it but she keep pushing me away saying that it was her being drunk and it mean nothing. So i sent a text say that it was hurtful that she couldnt even give me an honest thank you for my wonderful present it meant so much. I told her that it was amazing that she could be so nice to someone that loved her so much. She never responded and didnt talk to me for a few weeks. Over those weeks i sent sorry texts and even a sorry letter saying i didnt mean to hurt her but i just keep feeling like she was blowing me off while i was trying to apologize. Also i said that I was leaving her alone and that i wouldnt talk to her ever again because i realized that she just wanted to be left alone. So i thought she may respond by saying good bye or thanks but she went cold.

Finally a week later i asked her why i didnt after a year of dating i didnt atleast deserve a thank you or a good bye. She replied by saying i dont care what you think you deserve, you dont care about me and dont want to care about me she told me that she didnt deserve being treated like this and that she was really hurt. So I tried to apologize once again. To which she never replied. Finally I sent her an email saying that she needed to realize the break up was all about her and that she was the one who broke up with me. That i never cheated on her and that I loved her so much that i was ready to spend my last dollar on her. I told her that I even wrote her mom an apology tell her how i never meant to hurt her daughters feelings, that i had just been confused and didnt know what to do. In response to this she sent me a texts saying leave me alone, your annoying me. This continued to hurt me because i still could not get an official goodbye out of her. so anyways a few weeks ago i sent her a message saying that I had figured out what i had done during the break up and i was honestly sorry. I told her that i never meant to do any of that, that i just loved her so much that it hurt when she left me.

 

Anyways she has not responded to anything and i dont know where i stand with her.

 

Also during this whole time I keep track of her FB trying to figure out if she still loved me and everything that she put up still pointed to yes. She posted songs about loving and wanting to be with someone even though they had gone through a rough time. She even put up lyrics as to her still being in love. I just cant understand what she is truly feeling. Also I believe that the guy in my former post is now a significant person in her life as he constantly is liking and posting things to her FB. The weird thing is that she posted lyrics to a song about reconnecting with an ex and he liked it. I just dont understand. Then finally he started posting love songs to her FB which got me to thinking that maybe she is now dating him. This is just driving me crazy. He posted this song The Cab by Bad which is about leaving someone you know is good for you to try and find crazy love and live wild. She responded by saying that she wanted a crazy love and that it was great that he posted this. So now i am to thinking that she is dating this guy that she had said was previously not her type as maybe just a rebound relationship. Is this right? Also she finally posted a few nights ago, Going out tonight, need someone to carry me home?" And i could only figure that she was going out getting drunk because she was still upset that we had broken up.

 

So I guess what I am trying to figure out is did she still love me when we broke up and was she just thinking that maybe the grass was greener on the other side, or what was really going on. I have no idea what happened i tried to be nice to her but keep getting the cold shoulder from her. Then finally when i told her that maybe a break would help us and she freaks out? I guess this is me being a man and not knowing what is going on in her female brain.

 

Can someone maybe point me in the right direction? Do you think that there is ever a chance to reconcile with her? What should i do now?

[salmagundi]

I'm sorry man, but she is being very blunt with you. When she says she wants to be single, what she means is she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Period. There is nothing else to read into that.

 

And that guy posting all the time on her wall...well...you don't want to hear this but it sounds like they are dating already. It sucks to have to accept this and I understand you don't want to because immediately after comes great pain. But it is what it is...nothing in your post gives me the least reason to think you have the tiniest chance with her.

 

You just need to convince yourself that it is time to move on.

 

Because I think it is...

[vais4loveha]

Well thanks for the advice. It does hurt but I guess that is part of moving on. I thought that her continuously wanting to be friends was a sign that she still had feelings for me.

[salmagundi]

yeah man, I know...I have an ex that broke up with me but doesn't want to let go. A part of me wants to believe that its because we can still work things out. But my fear is that its because she is afraid of being alone and wants me around to be her emotional crutch. I don't know its thats it, but I think that is very common with women who break up with their boyfriends...

[vais4loveha]

Ok, well thank you all so very much for the responses. I guess my questions is now what do I do? She still has pictures up on her FB of us and I kind of want to ask her to take them down. I guess with time I have realized that I was a HUGE a**hole to her and really took her for an emotional ride. I dont want her to hurt anymore but I feel like my existence in any part of her life will continue to hurt her. Dont get me wrong I still love the girl but, I guess I have realized nothing will ever come out of it and I want her to be happy now.