Four and a half year relationship just ended four days ago. G.I.G.S.?

[KMC1990]

Hi all, this is my first post and I would really appreciate some advice, if anyone is patient enough to read it.

 

My boyfriend and I had been together for four and a half years. We are both 22, and got together as seniors in high school when we were 17. We were each other's first everything. For the first years in our relationship, we were seeing each other everyday and spending so much time with each other. I was getting a lot of love and attention from him - he truly showed me so much love that I felt I could never find anyone who would treat me better. Despite having some personal sexual issues, I was completely trusting of him. I still am. Trust was never an issue for either one of us.

 

Eventually, we both got jobs and I went to school and we started seeing each other less, but it was still all right for both of us. We would make time for each other, and text or talk on the phone regularly. I always had a lot of friends and interests outside of our relationship, so my whole world was not revolving around seeing him, although obviously he was a very important part of my life, and a top priority.

 

Around spring of last year, things started to change. He became more distant and did not put as much effort into hanging out with me or talking to me. He was putting a lot of effort into his career, which was understandable, but not making enough time to see me, which made me feel neglected and unappreciated, especially after years of being showered with attention. He became critical of me in many ways. He eventually confronted me and told me that he wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore. He said he felt like he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me anymore. I was very hesitant to accept this and taken completely by surprise as I thought he would never say that to me, and was visibly upset by it. Ultimately I left the ball in his court and let him decide what to do. He decided we should take a two week break. However after around three days, he called me saying he couldn't do it, and needed me in his life. He told me that he had picked up the phone to call me so many times and realized he did love me, and wanted to be with me. I was very relieved and happy with his decision and we stayed together. Even though our relationship was not perfect, I was happy and comfortable with him.

 

Recently though, things had been becoming the same again. I was being neglected - no calls, no texts, no making time to see me. He was completely consumed by his job, but I wasn't asking for much, just a glimpse of the person he used to be, who sent me sweet messages saying he was thinking of me or buying me flowers because I had a bad day. Whenever I did see him, he barely spoke to me, conversation and affection were both forced on his part. He wouldn't greet me with a hug or a kiss, or a very forced one. We would have awkward dinners in which I would desperately try to engage him in conversation but he would only offer one word answers. He never really wanted me to come over to his house anymore. It made me feel unwanted in all ways. However every once in a while we had good days, days that reminded me of why we were together, and it was hope for more of those days that kept me believing in our relationship.

 

I had told him he needed to change several times and he acknowledged it every time, but did nothing to change it. I told him every feeling that I felt. He said he was sorry and he loved me and would try his best, and I couldn't help but wonder, why would you have to "try" to show affection to your long-term girlfriend? I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt I deserved better and missed the way he used to treat me. I wrote about how much I valued my self-worth and felt as though he was bringing me down and criticizing me for everything, from my outfit choices to career/school decisions. It wasn't a break up letter, just everything I felt in writing. I held it in my room waiting for the right time to give it to him. I was confident that breaking up might be the right thing to do.

 

Four days ago, after spending time with some mutual friends, he came to my house and told me he didn't think he could do it anymore. I saw the break up coming from a mile away based on his behavior, so to not feel attacked I told him I also wanted to end it. He used the same line he used a year ago - he loves and cares for me deeply, but doesn't feel as though he is in love with me anymore. He said we got together when we were too young and have just been together too long. He and I both agreed there was "no point" in being together - because neither one of us are thinking about getting married. He said he is going to miss me very much. He was joking around a bit and smiling during the ten minute conversation - not sure out of anxiety, or out of relief that I too wanted to break up, I'm not sure...he kissed and hugged me goodbye and seemed very upset over it. He asked me if there was anything in his house I wanted back (that hurt me a lot, even though there was nothing.) I gave him my letter before he left. He said if I ever want to text him that he would answer, and I said if he wanted to talk he could at any time, but so far it's been NC. He also said he wants to be a part of my life. He also said he has no prospective rebounds, and he doesn't plan on getting into a relationship. He even seemed offended when I asked him if there was someone else.

 

Well it's been four days and I keep waiting, almost desperately, for him to call or text me and tell me this is all a big mistake and he needs me in his life just like he did the last time we separated. I have so much false hope and I have everyone around me telling me he'll reach out, he just needs time, but I'm not sure if he will. The first two days were hell. I had been crying for hours and just desperately wanted to call him and hear his voice...I've been doing a little bit better, but I still have moments where I'm in shock that we really broke up after almost five years, in a ten minute conversation.

 

I think this might be an example of Grass is Greener Syndrome, in which he is realizing he's young and should be out having fun instead of tied down to the same girl he's been with since high school. Maybe I'm not as exciting as he thinks our relationship should be. Maybe he's surrounded by single coworkers at work and it looks glamorized compared to the comfortable, loving relationship we've had for years. Or maybe he really has naturally fallen out of love with me over time. I'm not sure. I'm just waiting for him to realize he needs me back so we can be together again (something I really want to happen at this point). However, I think if we got back together, it might just be another cycle of stable good times eventually leading to him feeling like he doesn't love me anymore. I can't be with someone who doesn't feel love for me. But I'm having a really hard time adjusting to being alone after so long. The thought of being with someone else nauseates me for now, and I don't know how to go much longer without texting or calling him...our relationship was always such a stable, comfortable thing in my life. I love him, I feel as though I am still IN love with him, and I want us to get through this, but if we get back together only to break up again I'll feel even worse than I do now.

[lovehurts5]

I have a very similar situation to yours. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 4 years and have been broken up for 3 months. It has been the.most difficult experience and its best to try and keep busy. There will definitely be days that you are strong and some days where you just want to give up. It has been about 60 days NC with me and my ex. He tried contacting me a month ago but I ignored it because I felt hurt. Now I find myself regretting not answering his call. I too hope for him to call me again though. Only time will tell though. Keep your head up . If its meant to be things will arrange themselves to bring you guys back together

[blotter]

The quicker you can get the false hope of reconciliation out of your mind the quicker you will be able to heal. Put things in perspective, he was you first boyfriend, chances that it was going to work out in the long run with marriage and kids was probably close to nil. A whole new world has just opened up to you; new people, new relationships, new experiences, learning about yourself and what you want in a relationship. These things never would have happened had you stayed in a dead end relationship. Your life is about to get richer and deeper.

[DMS]

Sorry to hear about how things went down for you. My ex girlfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me in March when she claimed she fell out of love nearly 2 years before. I understand the pain and hurt you are going through. I have not heard from her in nearly 2 months after she moved in with the guy she left me for. I wont tell you it is easy because it is very difficult but it does get easier. My best advice is avoid trying to drink the pain away, stay busy and when you want to reach out to him post here instead. There are alot of good people here that will offer an ear to listen and encouragement along the way

[KatZee]

I'm going through the same with my ex. Together almost three years, and he too was wishy-washy saying he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore, and then days later was saying he loved me so much and didn't want to lose me, so we stayed together, only to have him pull the same thing again down the line again.

 

It sounds like you guys just grew up, and instead of growing together, you grew apart. My ex was also doing what yours was doing. Putting all focus onto career and other things, not us. He wasn't calling as much, wasn't really acting the way he was in the beginning. I too saw the break up a mile away, and like yours mine also gave me the, "I still want you in my life, if you want to call me at the end of your day to vent, or to ask for advice you can, text me any time, what we have is so amazing I don't want to lose you..." And then once I left his house, I never heard from him again. He never initiated contact with me, we were NC for 5 weeks when I decided to reach out, and after that contact, it was back to NC, no reach out from him nothing.

 

I think he was only trying to ease his guilt by pulling the "we'll still be friends" card. He doesn't really have any intention of being a "friend." I agree you also need to stop hoping he's going to come back around. I get that it's a shock and now you miss him, but he's not the same person, and you're not the same anymore. You weren't happy. You wanted what HAD been, and that's just not what it was anymore.

[KMC1990]

I really appreciate all the comments and advice, thank you. I think while NC is hard, it's definitely the right thing to do right now. Seeing him or hearing his voice or even reading a text would set me back so much...and I already feel like I'm getting better everyday. I will just wait for him to reach out for me, but try and expect it less...If things are meant to be, we will find a way back to each other. If not, there's a whole world out there. Thanks again for reading.

[dannykeyz831]

I have a very similar situation to yours. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 4 years and have been broken up for 3 months. It has been the.most difficult experience and its best to try and keep busy. There will definitely be days that you are strong and some days where you just want to give up. It has been about 60 days NC with me and my ex. He tried contacting me a month ago but I ignored it because I felt hurt. Now I find myself regretting not answering his call. I too hope for him to call me again though. Only time will tell though. Keep your head up . If its meant to be things will arrange themselves to bring you guys back together

 

If he called then I wouldn't say it is totally over. I believe that people with GIGS are the one's who end up regretting everything in the end. They won't realize what they have until it's totally gone. 3 months of nc is not that long but wait a while longer and either you get over him or he comes back. Its a win win situation.

[YorickBrown]

Sorry to hear about how things went down for you. My ex girlfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me in March when she claimed she fell out of love nearly 2 years before. I understand the pain and hurt you are going through. I have not heard from her in nearly 2 months after she moved in with the guy she left me for. I wont tell you it is easy because it is very difficult but it does get easier. My best advice is avoid trying to drink the pain away, stay busy and when you want to reach out to him post here instead. There are alot of good people here that will offer an ear to listen and encouragement along the way

 

Dude, really sorry for your "loss". We do have a bit of similarity, except for the length of time. I mean, 4.5 years? That's brutal! :(My recent, just barely lasted 1.3 years and....well, while it does still sting, I've kinda accepted it to happen eventually which brings me to this topic I started:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/338081-ls-vets-your-thoughts-pro-long-simply-short