JRP Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 3 weeks ago my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess...) said he wanted to take a break because he was sexually frustrated. We haven't done ANYTHING besides kiss. We haven't even made out much. We haven't done anything because of me, I had an abusive boyfriend (mostly sexually), so it's hard for me to do sexual things with out a lot of time to feel comfortable. He's 25, not an immature teenager. Part of me understands that he was frustrated, he was starting to take it out on me. Not aggressively, just very distant. He would never cheat on me, which is why he wanted the break. But even though we're technically not together right now, it still hurts me like hell. He left me so he could sleep with another woman, and she is better than me because she can fill those important needs that I clearly cannot at this point. Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 3 weeks ago my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess...) said he wanted to take a break because he was sexually frustrated. We haven't done ANYTHING besides kiss. We haven't even made out much. We haven't done anything because of me, I had an abusive boyfriend (mostly sexually), so it's hard for me to do sexual things with out a lot of time to feel comfortable. He's 25, not an immature teenager. Part of me understands that he was frustrated, he was starting to take it out on me. Not aggressively, just very distant. He would never cheat on me, which is why he wanted the break. But even though we're technically not together right now, it still hurts me like hell. He left me so he could sleep with another woman, and she is better than me because she can fill those important needs that I clearly cannot at this point. Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. hahah. you gave your boyfriend a free pass to bang some other girl and you are still willing to take him back? awesome. i'm sure he totally would never do it again right? or just maybe the next time he meets a girl and wants to hook up with her, you can take another "break" and he can sleep with her, and then come back to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 I would suggest not taking him back. What would happen if he decides after you're married that he wants to take a break from the marriage in order to have sex with somebody else, and then resume after he's satisfied his urges? Not a man you can build a relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JRP Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 He was frustrated, unhappy and getting angry with me. What was I supposed to do? While it wasn't fair to sleep with someone else, it's not fair for him to have to go without the sexual part of a relationship. He would much rather sleep with me, but right now that's not an option. He knew I didn't want him to and he knew how much he was hurting me, I didn't tell him it was okay. He wanted to breakup for a while, I have no control over that. Link to post Share on other sites
Zammo25 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 3 weeks ago my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess...) said he wanted to take a break because he was sexually frustrated. We haven't done ANYTHING besides kiss. We haven't even made out much. We haven't done anything because of me, I had an abusive boyfriend (mostly sexually), so it's hard for me to do sexual things with out a lot of time to feel comfortable. He's 25, not an immature teenager. Part of me understands that he was frustrated, he was starting to take it out on me. Not aggressively, just very distant. He would never cheat on me, which is why he wanted the break. But even though we're technically not together right now, it still hurts me like hell. He left me so he could sleep with another woman, and she is better than me because she can fill those important needs that I clearly cannot at this point. Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. She is NOT better than you. Do not let it ruin you. Be strong and you will find an amazing guy who will love you for who you are. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zammo25 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 He was frustrated, unhappy and getting angry with me. What was I supposed to do? While it wasn't fair to sleep with someone else, it's not fair for him to have to go without the sexual part of a relationship. He would much rather sleep with me, but right now that's not an option. He knew I didn't want him to and he knew how much he was hurting me, I didn't tell him it was okay. He wanted to breakup for a while, I have no control over that. Do not blame yourself. Love is far more than sex. Sex is great in a loving relationship but I could live without that to be with the person I love. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 3 weeks ago my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess...) said he wanted to take a break because he was sexually frustrated. We haven't done ANYTHING besides kiss. We haven't even made out much. We haven't done anything because of me, I had an abusive boyfriend (mostly sexually), so it's hard for me to do sexual things with out a lot of time to feel comfortable. He's 25, not an immature teenager. Part of me understands that he was frustrated, he was starting to take it out on me. Not aggressively, just very distant. He would never cheat on me, which is why he wanted the break. But even though we're technically not together right now, it still hurts me like hell. He left me so he could sleep with another woman, and she is better than me because she can fill those important needs that I clearly cannot at this point. Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. Hmmmm.....how should I put this in a way that would sink in. NO!!!!!!!!!!! Don't take that scumbag back! "Oh, I'm gonna break up with you to sleep with other girls. BYE!!!!" then, "WHEW!!! That was fun!....okay, I'm back..." SCREW THAT!!!! If he loved you enough, she should have respected your boundries. Whenever I dated a girl, I also told them that I would never do anything that would make them feel uncomfortable to be around me. I was always on their time. Look, guys that are worth it will wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 hahah. you gave your boyfriend a free pass to bang some other girl and you are still willing to take him back? awesome. i'm sure he totally would never do it again right? or just maybe the next time he meets a girl and wants to hook up with her, you can take another "break" and he can sleep with her, and then come back to you. Harsh, but OP please read this. He left you to go stick himself in someone else. He knows you have an abusive past, and instead of HELPING you with it, he started taking it out on you. This is NOT fair to you that he just gets to break up with you whenever he sees fit, just so he can get his rocks off, and then come back. He should just not be in the relationship if he can't handle the baggage that comes with you. And you deserve a guy who's going to help you, support you, care for you and be patient with you. NO. You do NOT take him back because he WILL do this again and again and again and again. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Answer: HECK. NO! Kick his rear to the curb! What a jerk! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain2012 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 My brother in law was not a virgin when he met his wife, who was. He was 25, she was 21. She remained a virgin until their wedding night 3years later and he never once needed a 'break' because he was frustrated. He and I have never had the best relationship but I commend him for this! When they first started dating I asked if he could handle waiting and he said "yeah, she's worth it". Sums it up pretty well, don't you think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Actually, Flitz has be helpful on a lot of threads. He might be rough around the edges and he doesn't sugarcoat anything. But, a lot of his advice is pretty sound. On this particular one. He's hitting her with a 2x4 to wake her up. Hopefully, getting her mad enough to see that this guy is doing her wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 You should not take him back. He can't handle a R that doesn't sexually fulfill him, that is understandable. You can't handle a R that involves sexual relations, given your past that is understandable as well. You guys are not compatible and that's not going to magically change now. He slept with someone else, how long til he needs to again? Honestly you need to be in therapy to deal with your sexual issues, you shouldn't be in a R right now. Or you have to find someone who is satisfied with a R that does not include the sexual aspect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RogerWallace111 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 How long were you guys going out ? Did you try to communicate to him that in time you would be ready to move pass just kissing ? Did he make any effort to be caring, understanding and patient ? Cause if it were a period of 6 months plus, and he was trying to be patient/supportive, but got the feeling you were never going to be able to let things get more physical, I could definitely see where he's coming from... It's a sad situation regardless of course. But if you weren't together long, he didn't make a strong effort to help you open up, and just got quickly bored, that'd just be douchebag sh*t. If it's the first situation though, and you love him, and you think that in time you would be ready to have a sexual relationship with him (so it doesn't just happen again), I don't think it would be too crazy to take him back. ****, people who are having sex with their partner go cheat on them, without breaking it up or being honest/open, and often end up being given a second shot. I think it all depends on if he conducted himself with a relative amount of compassion. Masturbation gets old quickly, unfortunate as it is. I'm sorry you're dealing with that whole situation though... Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 3 weeks ago my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess...) said he wanted to take a break because he was sexually frustrated. We haven't done ANYTHING besides kiss. We haven't even made out much. We haven't done anything because of me, I had an abusive boyfriend (mostly sexually), so it's hard for me to do sexual things with out a lot of time to feel comfortable. He's 25, not an immature teenager. Part of me understands that he was frustrated, he was starting to take it out on me. Not aggressively, just very distant. He would never cheat on me, which is why he wanted the break. But even though we're technically not together right now, it still hurts me like hell. He left me so he could sleep with another woman, and she is better than me because she can fill those important needs that I clearly cannot at this point. Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. Why on earth would you take that guy back? So the dude broke up with you, slept with another girl who gave him god knows what, and then wants to keep on going with you like nothing happened? Hello, that's abusive too. And no is the answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 It wasn't a R built on love and trust. He was/ is willing to hurt you. That's not right! Do NOT take him back! He's proven he's not worthy of you - your priorities. Seek counseling to help yourself with your past - you need to get past all that pain so you can have a healthy R in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. He thinks it was fair that you got very hurt? You had an abusive boyfriend who took pleasure in hurting you. Please do not take back this guy who also thinks nothing of hurting you. If you take him back, what will happen the next time he feels sexually frustrated and wants to sleep with another woman? Are you going to let him break up with you again? How often are you willing to let this happen? Perhaps once every few months for the forseeable future? No, don't take him back. He will do it again. He doesn't care about your pain. That's not love. You need to seek therapy for what you've been through so that you can recognise and stay away from guys like him and your other ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
morichu Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 3 weeks ago my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess...) said he wanted to take a break because he was sexually frustrated. We haven't done ANYTHING besides kiss. We haven't even made out much. We haven't done anything because of me, I had an abusive boyfriend (mostly sexually), so it's hard for me to do sexual things with out a lot of time to feel comfortable. He's 25, not an immature teenager. Part of me understands that he was frustrated, he was starting to take it out on me. Not aggressively, just very distant. He would never cheat on me, which is why he wanted the break. But even though we're technically not together right now, it still hurts me like hell. He left me so he could sleep with another woman, and she is better than me because she can fill those important needs that I clearly cannot at this point. Now he wants to end the break and get back with me. I'm very hurt and don't know what to do... I love him more than I've loved anyone, but that wasn't fair to me. He thinks, given the circumstances, it was fair. LOL you're kidding right? Link to post Share on other sites
morichu Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 My brother in law was not a virgin when he met his wife, who was. He was 25, she was 21. She remained a virgin until their wedding night 3years later and he never once needed a 'break' because he was frustrated. He and I have never had the best relationship but I commend him for this! When they first started dating I asked if he could handle waiting and he said "yeah, she's worth it". Sums it up pretty well, don't you think? This. If you truly care about them, this is not an excuse. I've had a few long relationships where we would have sex daily and if I met a virgin, that I was really into, and she wanted to wait until marriage, guess what? I'm waiting until marriage. My right hand can help me out until then. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 He wants sex more than a loving, emotionally/psychologically connected relationship. He will never value you and he's already proven it by breaking up with you so he can sleep with another woman. He is wrong on so many levels. You deserve better, and trust me, you will find it. Just don't waste your time on this guy, he isn't for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JRP Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 We were together for 13 months. He has felt like this before (angry, frustrated) but he didn't act on it. And don't say he's probably cheated on me because he hasn't. He knows about the abuse and he knows that, in time, I will probably be able to be physically intimate with him. It's not like he doesn't feel bad about it, he does. But it's not killing him inside. He still thinks, given the circumstances, that it was fair. He's always been patient with me and has never tried to push me to do anything. But he is use to do sexual things on a regular basis and not doing it is hard on him. He needs to feel wanted and desired and I guess I don't give that to him without doing something sexual. He said he would stay with me for a few years without sex (he was being honest) but that it would be hard on him and he might need to release those sexual needs/desires somewhere else (never cheat though). I told him from before we started dating that I wasn't okay with that but it didn't do much good. It scares me to death that he might do this again. I'm not an idiot and I don't think "Oh, it will never happen again." I know better than that. Yes, what he did was a dick move. My gut is telling me that he doesn't love me and care about me as much as he thinks he does. In previous relationships my gut feeling has always been right. Other than this he's been an amazing boyfriend and has treated me great, which is why this is so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Look, I said it before and I stand by what I said. Guy's that are worth it will wait. Actually, I like it better if a girl makes me wait a while. It let's me get to know her, understand her. See if we have a chance to actually make it long term, or figure out if she's actually batsh*t crazy then I'm out before anything gets too out of control and a physical relationship just compounds the issues. Getting to know her and actually start to care about her. Then, when things are right, the sex is AMAZING! Because you know and care about the person your with. If I ever hooked up with a girl in the short term, the sex was always so-so. Because we never had a connection on other levels. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 However, I do suggest that you seek help for the issues regarding sex. You really need to work through those issues. I can understand making a guy wait months, but years? Sex shouldn't make you freeze up that bad. Whatever douche rocket you were with before made sex something ugly and hurtful to you when it should be something amazing and beautiful. The ultimate way to communicate your affection and love you have for the person you're with. I strongly suggest that you see someone about this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 We were together for 13 months. He has felt like this before (angry, frustrated) but he didn't act on it. And don't say he's probably cheated on me because he hasn't. He knows about the abuse and he knows that, in time, I will probably be able to be physically intimate with him. It's not like he doesn't feel bad about it, he does. But it's not killing him inside. He still thinks, given the circumstances, that it was fair. He's always been patient with me and has never tried to push me to do anything. But he is use to do sexual things on a regular basis and not doing it is hard on him. He needs to feel wanted and desired and I guess I don't give that to him without doing something sexual. He said he would stay with me for a few years without sex (he was being honest) but that it would be hard on him and he might need to release those sexual needs/desires somewhere else (never cheat though). I told him from before we started dating that I wasn't okay with that but it didn't do much good. It scares me to death that he might do this again. I'm not an idiot and I don't think "Oh, it will never happen again." I know better than that. Yes, what he did was a dick move. My gut is telling me that he doesn't love me and care about me as much as he thinks he does. In previous relationships my gut feeling has always been right. Other than this he's been an amazing boyfriend and has treated me great, which is why this is so hard. Funny how you find excuses to justify what's his done and the logic behind it. You don't need a gut feeling here, just open your eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 JRP, listen to me. That man is a stupid, selfish, bastard. IF he was frustrated, he did not have to go to another woman. He could have taken care of those things himself. He is disgusting...just disgusting. He is just disgusting. How dare he do this to you? You have nothing to be sorry for...at all. If he wants to be with you, he should be accepting of you...and if he can't, you have to let him go. But know this...he is NOT a good person. He is a disgusting bastard. Please, believe me. Many people have open relationships...That's fine with me. But you don't want an open relationship. Neither does he. He wants you to be his girlfriend....then leave you and have sex with someone else...then come back to you and throw it in your face. Drop this loser and be patient with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Cl0udy Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Don't take him back You want to teach him a lesson on respect. Be the girl he once loved and lost forever because he was not understanding, comforting, and patient than the girl That he once loved accepted the disrespectful behavior took her back does not feel bad about what he did because you gave the green light years or months down the road he will dump you again for someone else. You take him back again and it's like you are similar to jello Screw him for hurting you this bad. Link to post Share on other sites
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