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Broke up with ex. We have a plan for NC. take a look. I'm clueless.

steveblack

By steveblack
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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steveblack Established Member

steveblack

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Hello,

 

We just recently broke up and a somewhat mutual term (she initiated) (about a 3 year relationship). My ex is unhappy, but she cant tell why. She is happy when she is with me, but it seems she has GIGS and is afraid of looking into the future with me. I am afraid of this too and have only recently came to that conclusion. We are both in love with each other. She is also going through some family problems right now as well.

 

When we called it quits, she said "I want you in my life still but i dont know how" "I need space".

 

She doesn't know why she is unhappy and she wants me in her life but not sure how?

 

I believe space is the right decision, we both can focus on ourselves and our own happiness (as hard as that might be). We went over ground rules, no contact, etc.

 

I need the space just as much as she does, if not more. (I am drilling this in my brain)

 

 

We decided to not talk for a month, and we decided to send a text, sometime next month to see where we are at.

 

I want to revisit this relationship, only if what we both want in the relationship coincide. I do not want to compromise what I want for her. If i can figure out what exactly I want, (and she wants to talk about it), and it doesnt match up, then we are done. Since there are too many I dont knows , I dont want to feel like I am standby with any relationship.

 

I am trying to move on, during this period.

 

If after a month of NC and we make that brief contact and either party doesn't want to talk about things, then we do another month of NC. After some more time, or more and more, I believe we both will be strong enough to walk away or walk towards each other. At this point I want to be happy, so I am trying not to care either way.

 

 

Does this sound like a good plan?

 

Or is this just a false hope? I am gearing on moving on, at my mental state right now. I am single! I am not with that person! Its tough but I am trying.

GeeziG Member

GeeziG

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I def think no contact is the way to go, but as far as it being planned out it just seems like it takes away from the idea in someway but I feel your pain and hope that all works out I'd like to know how it goes....thanks for your advice in my post we just gotta be strong I've learned taking your own advice is sometimes the best

Edited by GeeziG
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steveblack Established Member

steveblack

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Thanks Geezi. Yeah I am running through this not knowing anything. Thanks for your advice.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Don't live your life that in one month she's going to text you and want you back. You have to live your life as if she's gone. She wanted space, then you give her all the space she wants, but you don't put your life on hold. Time to act like she's not coming back, because chances are...she's not.

 

Time to heal and move on, dude.

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steveblack Established Member

steveblack

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This is so tough. I'm 30 and this is the hardest thing I have ever done. She dropped off all of my stuff yesterday. just my clothes and no letters or presents I gave her (which i think is great).

 

Today I went for a hike with a friend, and the first part of the hike I felt like I was turning the corner, the second part I fell into a depress area.

 

I got to be strong and move on. I got to be strong and move on.

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
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Please don't live your life one month at at a time. You can neither move on nor get back together if you haven't made a clean break.

 

She knows all she has to do is contact you and you'll be at her side. That doesn't give her the mental understanding that she's broken up with you, or what life would be like without you. She can't miss what is only a text away, whenever she wants.

 

You can't move on, truly, if you're waiting each month to see if she deigns to want to be with you. You'll ride a rollercoaster each month, building up hope until it's dashed again, each time.

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steveblack Established Member

steveblack

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nora,

 

When we talked it 'felt' mutually broken up. If she text me, I will not respond. I am not her boyfriend. I got to stick to my guns.

 

I totally understand what you are saying about "you haven't made a clean break." And that is my fear. If all month I am thinking about this day we are going to talk you will be 1000% right. And will cut that off there.

 

I am the one that is going to text her a month from now. That text will not be a "your ready to get back together" and more of uncomfortable chit chat. IF we ever did get back together it would be starting from scratch, the harm has been done already, and if we did rush into something, it would end poorly. I am trying not to hold my breath.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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nora,

 

 

 

I totally understand what you are saying about "you haven't made a clean break." And that is my fear. If all month I am thinking about this day we are going to talk you will be 1000% right. And will cut that off there.

 

 

Okay dude, you want to try and figure out women? You watch what they do and not what they say. Their actions should clue you in. Okay, if you were only taking a month apart, then why drop all of your stuff? Doesn't make any sense considering that you would be readdressing the relationship in less than 30 days? So, why take the time to pack up all of your stuff and haul it out of there if you're just going to be back in a few weeks?

 

Look, I'm not trying to bum you out, or make you feel bad. I AM trying to get you to see things is a different light. Letting you see the reality of the situation and not to cling onto false hope.

Tree_Salmon Established Member

Tree_Salmon

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Okay dude, you want to try and figure out women? You watch what they do and not what they say. Their actions should clue you in. Okay, if you were only taking a month apart, then why drop all of your stuff? Doesn't make any sense considering that you would be readdressing the relationship in less than 30 days? So, why take the time to pack up all of your stuff and haul it out of there if you're just going to be back in a few weeks?

 

Look, I'm not trying to bum you out, or make you feel bad. I AM trying to get you to see things is a different light. Letting you see the reality of the situation and not to cling onto false hope.

 

Listen to this man.

 

I'm going to give it to you like it is...this thing is over. It should have been over for you the second she wasn't into it anymore. Doesn't matter what happens in 30 days. Nothing will change.

 

You spoke on one of my posts about "boundaries" and you just let her cross yours. Now that she knows she can cross them it's over. You can not make this what you want. She will forever dictate the relationship because she's doing so right now. This is not a good one. You need to take the month to get over her and tell her you're not interested when she comes back.

 

I know you're thinking "what the hell?! I know i can make this what i want, they don't know" but you're wrong. We've been there. I've been there enough to know it doesn't work. You are just prolonging the inevitable.

 

Repeat after me...one chance for one girl, per lifetime. It's really that simple. and if you feel that it's not that simple then you have to become a man that makes it that simple. Her chance is up. Let it go before it wastes more time.

 

It's harsh but its the most honest advice you'll get. We don't want you to go through it because we've gone through it. Don't lie to yourself either. It wasn't mutual. She left you. She's probably not worried about talking about it either, shes probably looking at other guys already. And if she doesn't find a better candidate in 30 days she'll try you on again.

 

Cmon man, grab your balls and move on.

This is coming from someone who wants to save you grief.

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steveblack Established Member

steveblack

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TREE!

 

I told her to give my stuff back. She had some of my medicine and my laptop.

 

Even with that, I agree with most of your post. She did leave me. It felt mutual. but you are right.

 

Its tough we been friends for 10 years, she met my grandma, and I guess I am just looking for false hope

Edited by steveblack
Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Dude, again I'm not trying to bring you down. I just want you to look outside the box. But what you need to be doing is working on yourself right now.

 

What you need to do is start making changes in your life. Get a new haircut and some new clothes, change your self-image and helps your self esteem. Get a membership to a gym and start pushing weight and running your ass off on the treadmill. It's a great way to work off stress and frustrations. Go back to school and get that college degree or a masters or doctorate. Improve your finances by improving your career opportunities. Plus, better to be in a classroom where you keep your mind busy on schoolwork rather than thinking about your Ex. THEN, save your money and save for a trip somewhere. A place that you've always wanted to visit but you never had and just go! Go see it. Take a friend with you!

 

You need to start moving forward instad of standing still waiting for something that probably won't happen. Okay, you asked for you laptop and your medicines, but I have a feeling you got back a lot more than those two items. i could be wrong. But, I'm not wrong about the other paragraph. Time to start moving forward.

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steveblack Established Member

steveblack

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thanks chi town. I have started that process. Looking at future job opportunities, working on myself, just got a gym membership. I guess I am stepping in the right direction, but I am still hanging on to her by a thread. I got to let go, its just tough.

Tree_Salmon Established Member

Tree_Salmon

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Yeah, just keep moving. some people hang out in this pain for a long time. don't do that to yourself.

 

Everyone gives this advice but you dont really understand it until you are actually moving forward. You start to see the logic behind it. Take this advice from two guys who have been there.

 

Definitely start working on your image, your career and your life with the people closest to you. Forget this girl. You need to be the confident attractive male you were when she first met you and NOT for her but for yourself.

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