AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Hello everyone, I hope we're all doing well. For everyone who's been following my story I recieved a not requesting that I called my ex. She came to my house while I was out and left it on the door for me. Before you get all grumpy with me for letting you all down and breaking NC. I should tell you that the confrontation was going to happen no matter what and that I used the opportunity to go about it the way I wanted to. I was in control and I think I came out on top Heres the link for those who want to read in detail what happened last night. Things I said, things she said and the overall outcome. It's a good read actually, you get to see how petty and childish she is and what I have to put up with. But more importantly how I went about breaking NC without losing ground. - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/332807-youre-kidding-right-dafuq I hope also to help anyone who is struggling to ignore attempts from ex's to contact them. Or anyone who has broken NC and feels down. Anyway here's how Im feeling today. I didnt dream about her again like I did the night before. I went out last night and let close friends read the thread, it was good to hear their support as well as strangers online. I dont feel sorry for breaking NC, or like I've let myself down. I feel like I've actually made positive ground here. I was finding myself in a low point and it looks like by showing my strength and independance to her when she was expecting a depressed, wussy mess was quite liberating. Im actually feeling pretty damn good today. The only thoughts of her I am having are ones concerning my dog really. I feel like I havent heard the last of her, which many of you agree to be true. And it's only a matter of time before she tries to spark the flame again for her own benefit. It's just a matter of continuing to move forward and prepare not to be shaken by whatever she throws at me next. I am worried that she may let herself into my backyard to see my dog, or go around when only my housemates are home. I have told them not to let her see him if this is the case. And to be honest I even thought about her stealing him to spite me. I dont think she's low enough to do this, but the thought was there none the less. So im considering going to my neighbours and asking them to keep a look out. And to report it if they see anything. In the end I think the thing to get from this is that sometimes breaking NC is unavoidable. It is not enjoyable and the conversation definately didnt go how I had anticipated. But none the less I made sure that before I even considered picking up the phone and calling her, I had a strong game plan as to how I wanted to act so that not only did I look strong and successful, but I did not attack her or give her grounds to feel victimised or abused. So people if ever you find yourself in a position where you have to contact your ex. Be strong. Get your point across, tell them how it is and leave like I did. DO NOT let them take control of the conversation for a second. I used this to start off and it worked well. From the word go I came in strong with "You have 5 minutes before I have to go out. I want you to tell me what it is you want to discuss, then I will decide whether or not I want to discuss it further in person" I had no idea what she wanted to talk about, but I made sure I had all the power. And It did me wonders. So there you go, how to break NC and come out on top. Good luck all.
Svet74 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 good to hear, it all worked out in a postive way for you, As weird as this sounds today was not so bad for me either. You ever have that feeling where u want answers, but you cant straight up ask you ex?? Well most of us feel that way and we want to be able to know what we wanna know without asking, well today I got all my answers to my questions without having to ask him.. He slipped big time. But he also opened up to me as well which is well different. Long story short.. I think the whole car breaking down today was suppose to happen. weird
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 good to hear, it all worked out in a postive way for you, As weird as this sounds today was not so bad for me either. You ever have that feeling where u want answers, but you cant straight up ask you ex?? Well most of us feel that way and we want to be able to know what we wanna know without asking, well today I got all my answers to my questions without having to ask him.. He slipped big time. But he also opened up to me as well which is well different. Long story short.. I think the whole car breaking down today was suppose to happen. weird I think I know what you mean. When my ex first came to talk to me I had all these things I wanted to say and ask her but when she was there the words couldnt come up. Glad to hear you got a chance to clear your head and answer your questions. How did he slip up? Good on you for handling it well. Im happy things worked out for you
whoknows11 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 My ex wanted to keep in contact since breakup. To be honest we were. But it was alot of one word responses on her part unless we were arguing. At times she just stops responding anyway. Even when we re on good terms. But it was always me who initiated contact. We havent been arguing lately but she did get mad at something i said. Idr what it was i know it wasnt bad. It made her mad and upset. So next day i told her ill give her space to cool down and breathe. And think if she needs to. Havent heard from her in about two days now. This nc already seems hard. Im trying so hard not to give in and contact her.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Another thing I'm feeling today. I feel like I had so many more things I would have liked to say to her. Like about her agressive note and other things. And even getting mad and yelling. But I restrained myself. And looking at it now I think it was much more effective and powerful for me to have said very little and cut her off than it would have been to tear her a new one. So thats something to think of if you ever find yourself wanting to chew someone's ear off to make yourself feel better. I think theres more effective ways of going about it 1
whoknows11 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Another thing I'm feeling today. I feel like I had so many more things I would have liked to say to her. Like about her agressive note and other things. And even getting mad and yelling. But I restrained myself. And looking at it now I think it was much more effective and powerful for me to have said very little and cut her off than it would have been to tear her a new one. So thats something to think of if you ever find yourself wanting to chew someone's ear off to make yourself feel better. I think theres more effective ways of going about it Thats what i wanna do. I feel like i have so many things to say to her. Not really even negative or what not. Just to touch base. But i know im not going to hear from her so i need to deal with it. Theres people talking about how exs contact them during nc. I dont see how itll happen. Im not waiting either. Ive been let down enough lately.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 My ex wanted to keep in contact since breakup. To be honest we were. But it was alot of one word responses on her part unless we were arguing. At times she just stops responding anyway. Even when we re on good terms. But it was always me who initiated contact. We havent been arguing lately but she did get mad at something i said. Idr what it was i know it wasnt bad. It made her mad and upset. So next day i told her ill give her space to cool down and breathe. And think if she needs to. Havent heard from her in about two days now. This nc already seems hard. Im trying so hard not to give in and contact her. Learn from my experiences mate, I was in the very same boat. There was a time when my ex was always sending 1 or 2 word txts back to me unless she was horny and wanted to catch up for sex. I could tell she was keeping distant, and that there was no effort coming from her to be civil. (Which it sounds like you have noticed to). Looking back I should have walked away then, instead of giving her the opportunity to lure me in and screw me over. I ignored the signs and lead myself to believe there was hope for us and all it did was hurt me in a big way. Have you been following my threads much? I've had a couple about finding NC hard and how to deal with it. If you find yourself struggling have a look through my profile and my threads and have a read. Hopefully it can keep you on the right track.
whoknows11 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Learn from my experiences mate, I was in the very same boat. There was a time when my ex was always sending 1 or 2 word txts back to me unless she was horny and wanted to catch up for sex. I could tell she was keeping distant, and that there was no effort coming from her to be civil. (Which it sounds like you have noticed to). Looking back I should have walked away then, instead of giving her the opportunity to lure me in and screw me over. I ignored the signs and lead myself to believe there was hope for us and all it did was hurt me in a big way. Have you been following my threads much? I've had a couple about finding NC hard and how to deal with it. If you find yourself struggling have a look through my profile and my threads and have a read. Hopefully it can keep you on the right track. Yeah ive been reading them. Its given me hope somewhat on the situation. I havent seen my ex or talked on the phone since the break up a month ago. It was only texts. 1
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Thats what i wanna do. I feel like i have so many things to say to her. Not really even negative or what not. Just to touch base. But i know im not going to hear from her so i need to deal with it. Theres people talking about how exs contact them during nc. I dont see how itll happen. Im not waiting either. Ive been let down enough lately. Don't wait for it to happen. The aim of NC is to move on as a means to an end. Some people say they use NC as a way of manipulating the ex to miss them and come back. And I think this is a part of NC for everyone, whether they know it or not. I know for me that NC was my way of moving on for good, but at the same time a tiny part of me thought of it bringing her back. Take it from me though, I was 100% sure she wasnt going to get in touch. In fact I was depending on her leaving me alone. And I was lucky that she took as long as she did. But she did contact me. And it proved that they dont always break NC in the way we would like. Mine did it for attention. And all it did was feed me strength. So dont wait for it and dont hope for it. Because chances are if she does break NC, it wont be in the way you want. Just focus on moving on with your life. If she contacts you you can cross that bridge how you see fit. But dont let it take control of your progress. And if she doesnt well your already well on your way to moving on, and you will continue to move on until your completely over it
VandelayInd Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Good for you brother. Glad you are feeling good about it today. Question for y'all... I dont know if you are familiar with my story but Ive been struggling big time with the fact I didnt reply to my ex after she aggresively was contacting me 3 weeks ago. I have regret, and that "what if..." feeling. Im not sure if I did the right thing or not ignoring her. What do you guys think. Its been eating me up lately.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Good for you brother. Glad you are feeling good about it today. Question for y'all... I dont know if you are familiar with my story but Ive been struggling big time with the fact I didnt reply to my ex after she aggresively was contacting me 3 weeks ago. I have regret, and that "what if..." feeling. Im not sure if I did the right thing or not ignoring her. What do you guys think. Its been eating me up lately. I havent read the story but what I can get out of this is that you've done the right thing in ignoring it. If she was agressive in contacting you then there obviously wasnt any intention to reconciliate or get back with you or for anything of benefit for you to come out of it. She was most probably lashing out in an attempt to make herself feel victimised in order to ease her own guilt. Or to make you feel bad and stroke her ego. BOTH of which are things we definately dont want her doing. So be strong mate, your ignoring her and keeping up NC is having more impact on her than anything else you could have done. Playing along with her games would have taken your power and given it to her. And you would have been worse off. If I had known that my ex was only getting in touch for the reasons she did last night I would not have broken NC.
VandelayInd Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Those are good points. And definitely something I could see her doing as it seems its always been about her. Hard to know if I am doing the right things when you start to get a heavy heart though. On I go staying at NC. Thanks!
VandelayInd Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Also when I say aggresively texting me.. I meant she was texting and calling non stop.. not saying mean things. Not sure if that was misunderstood or not. Nonetheless..
BlazePT Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I'm very glad to hear that you've kept your cool and didn't step back in your recovery! Serves as an example to many of us Nice going, AJ
sweetheart5381 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I have been following your threads Mr Alexander. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems as though you seek attention. You seem to bask in the glory of being "right" in this post. If you were that "right" then you would not question her behaviour (since you know it well) and move on. Too bad, so sad, seeya! You broke NC. Your choice, no one forced you to, yet you blame it on her. Just sayin.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Also when I say aggresively texting me.. I meant she was texting and calling non stop.. not saying mean things. Not sure if that was misunderstood or not. Nonetheless.. Oh yep I misunderstood. Wat the nature of the txts good though? Or did they come across selfish? I saw someone was recieving messages like "If your seeing someone I deserve to know" and "I cant believe you can ignore me at a time like this" If it was anything along those lines then I'd say it was just her in need of some attention because she's finding it hard wallowing in her self hate and guilt. You can probably safely say that if she was calling and txting so often because she wanted you back, then one or more of the txts would have contained it. You didnt break NC because you didnt want to, you knew it was best. Dont start doubting yourself now mate your doing well.
Author AlexanderJames Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 I have been following your threads Mr Alexander. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems as though you seek attention. You seem to bask in the glory of being "right" in this post. If you were that "right" then you would not question her behaviour (since you know it well) and move on. Too bad, so sad, seeya! You broke NC. Your choice, no one forced you to, yet you blame it on her. Just sayin. No harm done I think you're implying that this is some sort of game to me? Like I get kicks from it? Whilst I find that somewhat offensive I concede that everyone is entitled to their opinions. I enjoy helping people, people come to this forum for help. If I can take something that I have experienced , and portray it in a way that lets others see that they too can celebrate little victories on their way to recovery and that its not all sadness and struggle, why not? I do not do it for reward, or for glory. I do it because it makes me feel better, and it helps others. I spend more time on this forum giving others advice, and helping them than I do posting my own threads. So im sorry if my success has been somewhat debilitating or provocative to you. I mean it in no harm at all. Like I said before, this forum is to help people who need help and support. I'm a little confused as to where you are coming from in the highlighted bit. Im more than happy to try and go into greater depths to explain everything that went through my head when I broke NC and during the conversation if it will help. Firstly, I broke NC because I had hoped that she wanted me back. But before letting this thought get to me I made sure I was prepared for the latter, which happened to be the case. I asked for outside opinion because it often helps to hear things from other points of view, yes I have my views on her actions and reasons behind them, but that doesnt mean I am correct. It wasnt until calling her that I figured out that there was no way of avoiding it. It had to with house leasing, billing and finiancial deals so she was going to follow it up one way or another. Therefor I considered it a victory in breaking NC and staying true to myself and my needs. Rather than leaving it and letting her catch me off gaurd. At the end of the day, my aim is to document every stage of my recovery and every hiccup along the way, in detail, on this forum. For a few reasons. One of which is to inspire people seeking help. Another is to show everyone what I did and how I got over my break up, a self help, step by step guide to breakup recovery if you will. But instead of being generic tips and "how to's" from someone after an easy dollar, its my story, how it happened, in ways many can relate, and the steps and actions (and sometimes mistakes) I made along the way. The final reason I am doccumenting my recovery in such detail is that It may be of future use to me. If I find myself hurting again I can come back and see just how strong and inspiring I was, and that I have it in me to do it all again should I need to. Thank you for your input. But I must request that should you feel the need to comment on my threads in future, you refrain. Unless of course it is going to be of benefit to myself and others on here. Because no offence when I say this, but the comment you left, and the time it has taken to respond have both been somewhat pointless. Regards, Mr Alexander.
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