Camping Trip w/ Ex

[RogerWallace111]

Sooo, just wanted to vent a bit. My ex of almost 3.5 years broke up with me about a month ago, basically saying she knew it would hurt more in the long run if we dragged things out (probably a roundabout response to my having broken up with her during a dull time a year prior, telling her I couldn't go all the way to marriage at that point in my life). Anyway, she insisted that she needed me to stay in her life, wanted to be friends, and even wanted to take the camping trip we'd planned on this summer. I tried to follow this route & be strong (even thought it was what I wanted), but after a week of her calling me daily but not being able to be with her romantically, I initiated NC to stop the pain.

 

After 3 weeks of NC, which has been going relatively well, with some liberating ups, some recurring sadness, etc, I find myself thinking a lot today, suddenly, about this camping trip that could have been. I had asked her how she'd be able to handle us doing that but not being physical - she said it would be hard but she thought we could do it. As much as I know her decision to break it off was right in the long run (cause we weren't going to get married at this point, and if there is/was any future hope for another go years down the line, she preserved it), I find myself thinking about how I might have been able to win her back on this excursion, missing the idea of her company, and missing her. It's not super painful to think about, but it's got me kinda down in the dumps.

 

Any thoughts ? I don't know.......

Edited June 26, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[RogerWallace111]

And now also feeling some worthless fear of her moving on too much as a result of my going nc. Then again I still believe she was completely sincere the times she said I was the love of her life, that she wanted to have my children, etc. And her post breakup tellin me she hoped it could work again someday, and saying "ok" when I told her someday I'd come back to marry her. It's damn unhealthy to look at it that way though, hanging onto hope, I know ! At least I'm nc with no intention of breaking it... ha. I think I really need some casual sex ..!

[AlexanderJames]

What can I say here that we havent already discussed on other threads haha.

It's good to read your story mate, I feel like I can relate a lot more to your posts and your position now I see where your at.

 

I dont blame you for being confused and trapped in a rutt here either .

Most of what you explain to be feeling we shed some light on yesterday when we were talking. The thinking about her more and things like that. I think its just your mind getting rid of the last of the thoughts and feelings as you get more and more accustom to life on your own. We've been in the same position lately so as long as we both keep backing ourselves up and reassuring us that we're doing the right thing (because we are) then we will get you out of this low point.

 

As for doubting yourself with this camping trip I think that you made the right decision in not going. If she wanted to experience this with you as a couple she would not have broken your heart prior to it happening. I think the fact that she didnt wait and use the camping trip as an opportunity to rekindle an exciting romance with you or perhaps reveal some exciting future prospects between the two of you says a lot about her dedication towards you. And going on the camping trip as singles would most probably have either lead to an awkward, unenjoyable few nights eventually leading to a confrontation. Or a spout of casual sex which wouldnt end in the two of you reconciling, just bringing up more hurt and feelings you had worked so hard to get passed. This is talking from experience here.

 

It is hard not to think what if though, I told myself not to break NC last night, but then found myself thinking "What if this is my last chance to get her back and if i ignore it I lose out". Which honestly is the reason I caved. But thankfully I was in control and came out on top.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and living for yourself. You're moving on and thats what's important. She hasnt made any attempts to break NC has she? And she hasnt done anything petty or childish. So your already in a good spot. All you have to deal with is your thoughts and where you let them lead you. And with the support of myself and everyone on here we can make sure you're lead in the right decision.

 

P.S. A bit of casual sex sounds like a good idea haha.

[RogerWallace111]

Yeah I think that "its just your mind getting rid of the last of the thoughts and feelings as you get more and more accustom to life on your own" is a good way to look at it... Though your ex seems a bit more wily than mine (read your latest thread), and of course our situations are different, it's awesome how much of your stuff i relate to, and, yeah, we're gonna both be moving forward in no time.

 

And when you say " I found myself thinking "What if this is my last chance to get her back and if i ignore it I lose out". Which honestly is the reason I caved." that's a lot of what my thoughts about this trip we're, realistically.

 

I sometimes (with no underestimation of the difficulty of your situation or even making any direct comparison), think it would be easier to move on if my ex had hurt me more, or was crazier, or something. But I don't have many unpleasant thoughts of her to remind me how much better off I am without her. If I had never given her reason to doubt my commitment, and expressed interest in continuing with her to marriage, etc, we would be having a happy, loving relationship right now and for a while to come- until that same part of me that got bored and felt trapped stirred again. Probably a couple years. Realistically, she was very good to me.

 

Really, the only reason I feel like our splitting up was the right thing, is, as I said- that I know we weren't gonna go all the way together at this point in our lives.

 

Fact is/was that I'm 24 years old, she's the only girl I've really loved, and my only relationship that lasted over about a month... And I have dreams, aspirations, and the desire to experience other women, flat out. I don't want to be the married-young type. 28 or 29 would be the earliest I would even begin to consider it. I guess it's just really hard to get over your first love, no matter how much of "the right thing to do" parting may be.

 

I guess a significant part of my whole issue is how she's expressed this interest in a future relationship down the road, when the timing could be right, and her insistance that it wasn't the "end". Though it in no way leaves me thinking "I'll just wait for her", and in fact compells me to do the opposite and mingle as much as possible, it does stay in my head. It's just so weird knowing how deeply she loves me, not being able to be with her, and also somehow knowing it's for the best. And no, she hasn't broken nc, but when the period of "could be a couple weeks, could be a couple months" that I suggested is up, and I still haven't contacted her, I know she will. I honestly underestimated it though, and I will respond with something cordial and short like "i'm sorry, just not ready to be in contact again yet".

 

Kind of free flowing train of thought there, ha, I'm out of it. Maybe that sheds a little more light on another side of my entire post breakup complex though.

 

So, AJ, I will try and be happy my ex didn't really do anything to hurt me or show me her bad side, while you can try to take solace in the fact that yours did- See what I'm getting at ? I really don't know which is worse.

Edited June 27, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[AlexanderJames]

Yeah I think that "its just your mind getting rid of the last of the thoughts and feelings as you get more and more accustom to life on your own" is a good way to look at it... Though your ex seems a bit more wily than mine (read your latest thread), and of course our situations are different, it's awesome how much of your stuff i relate to, and, yeah, we're gonna both be moving forward in no time.

 

And when you say " I found myself thinking "What if this is my last chance to get her back and if i ignore it I lose out". Which honestly is the reason I caved." that's a lot of what my thoughts about this trip we're, realistically.

 

I sometimes (with no underestimation of the difficulty of your situation or even making any direct comparison), think it would be easier to move on if my ex had hurt me more, or was crazier, or something. But I don't have many unpleasant thoughts of her to remind me how much better off I am without her. If I had never given her reason to doubt my commitment, and expressed interest in continuing with her to marriage, etc, we would be having a happy, loving relationship right now and for a while to come- until that same part of me that got bored and felt trapped stirred again. Probably a couple years. Realistically, she was very good to me.

 

Really, the only reason I feel like our splitting up was the right thing, is, as I said- that I know we weren't gonna go all the way together at this point in our lives.

 

Fact is/was that I'm 24 years old, she's the only girl I've really loved, and my only relationship that lasted over about a month... And I have dreams, aspirations, and the desire to experience other women, flat out. I don't want to be the married-young type. 28 or 29 would be the earliest I would even begin to consider it. I guess it's just really hard to get over your first love, no matter how much of "the right thing to do" parting may be.

 

I guess a significant part of my whole issue is how she's expressed this interest in a future relationship down the road, when the timing could be right, and her insistance that it wasn't the "end". Though it in no way leaves me thinking "I'll just wait for her", and in fact compells me to do the opposite and mingle as much as possible, it does stay in my head. It's just so weird knowing how deeply she loves me, not being able to be with her, and also somehow knowing it's for the best. And no, she hasn't broken nc, but when the period of "could be a couple weeks, could be a couple months" that I suggested is up, and I still haven't contacted her, I know she will. I honestly underestimated it though, and I will respond with something cordial and short like "i'm sorry, just not ready to be in contact again yet".

 

Kind of free flowing train of thought there, ha, I'm out of it. Maybe that sheds a little more light on another side of my entire post breakup complex though.

 

So, AJ, I will try and be happy my ex didn't really do anything to hurt me or show me her bad side, while you can try to take solace in the fact that yours did- See what I'm getting at ? I really don't know which is worse.

 

 

I think it's very bitter sweet. I have had 3 major break ups and all 3 of them I've been hurt pretty bad. Cheated on twice and then manipulated this most recent time. The only break ups I've had in which it was mutual or my decision where ones that did not last long or get serious so I cant really give an outlook on coming out of a serious relationship in a mutual way.

What I mean by bittersweet is that it may well be much easier to get over a girl who has treated you badly, and given you many reasons to think you deserve better. But at the same time the intial impact of the split is probably much worse. You have to deal with the thoughts of being betrayed, being played, used, unloved and manipulated. As well as losing companionship and a lover. It can cause future problems as well, mistrust and jealousy and the like through fear of being hurt again.

 

Im time you will be content and grow to cherish all the fond memories you shared with you ex. The thought of her and the experiences you shared wont lead to feeling alone and missing her, but make you smile and be glad you got to feel what you did. I can tell you this from experience.

 

You are still very young (although older than me ) and you have so much to live for and experience. She was a very significant part of your life once, but in the scale of things she was just a stepping stone in the journey that is your life. We cant even begin to imagine the wonderful things we are going to see and do in the future. Dont think too much into who it might be with, just look forward to them

 

The first breakup is always the hardest mate. Mostly because it's all new to you. Future breakups might be more significant or have more impact, but at least you have learnt how to deal with it. My first breakup knocked me out for 10 months. I was a wreck. My most recent one was more significant, but I've only been in recovery for a month and I'm already where I am now. Because I've taught myself many lessons in time

 

If she contacts you I wouldnt even say that. It's showing her that you are still hung up on the thought of her, and you're still finding things difficult. Not thoughts you want to put in her head, thats giving her your power.

[RogerWallace111]

Yeah, bittersweet is definitely the way to describe it...

 

You articulated exactly what i assumed/know the issues/complications of a "bad" breakup with someone who's screwed with you would be: That it may be "easier to get over a girl who has treated you badly, and given you many reasons to think you deserve better. But at the same time the intial impact of the split is probably much worse. You have to deal with the thoughts of being betrayed, being played, used, unloved and manipulated. As well as losing companionship and a lover. It can cause future problems as well, mistrust and jealousy and the like through fear of being hurt again." And you're right, that's why, like I said, I know I should be happy it didn't go that way. While I don't get to have the anger/resentment to say "good riddance, bitch !", it won't leave the same type of "scars" or make me question myself too much.

 

I thoroughly appreciate your thoughts/words on the future, etc. She & the relationship are just another "stepping stone" in the journey. And I wholeheartedly share your optimism for the wonderful potential of the future... It's true, there's no way to begin to imagine the great **** to come.

 

Yeah, I've of course always heard that the first is the hardest, and it's proven to be true. I've had week-long breakup sadness, hahaa, a few times in the 16-19 era, but didn't know what this would be like. Yeah, future ones can/will likely have more significance, as you've put an evolved/more whole version of yourself into it, but it's nice to know your coping mechanisms will be evolved too.

 

"If she contacts you I wouldnt even say that. It's showing her that you are still hung up on the thought of her, and you're still finding things difficult. Not thoughts you want to put in her head, thats giving her your power."

That's true... But I will have to say something, 1. because the cold shoulder just indicates the same hang up, the way I see it & 2. because I do feel like I owe her at least a minimal response, seeing as she was about as kind & loving as anyone could be through the breakup (not that that really helped). Plus in many ways I feel just as responsible for it as her, though she pulled the trigger. What might I say alternately ... Suggestions ?

[AlexanderJames]

Yes but in the same sense the recovery through resentment would probably be shorter than that of someone who treated you well. Because it would probbaly take longer for that fondness to fade for you. So in a way I've had it easier too. Maybe?

 

Glad you're looking at things as optimistically as I am Having a positive outlook really helps.

 

And I'm not 100% sure here. If you give her the cold shoulder it leaves her to ponder her thoughts. "He's ignoring me because he's struggling and not coping." will turn into "He's ignoring me because he doesnt want / need me any more. He doesnt care." as she processes what she's feeling. I think it will be the most powerful way of impacting her.

 

But if you really felt you had to grace her with a response without making yourself look vulnerable or weak I would go with a simple (This is assuming she asks how you are) "Im fine, thanks :)" And then to strictly go back to NC thereon. That way you have responded, all well and good you can be content with knowing you werent cold. You're not saying Im fantastic or im outstanding which she would just take as an over statement to try and rub it in her face. A modest, honest "Im fine" and a thankyou so she doesnt feel like she's wasted her time. And a smiley face cause chicks dig smiley faces . She see's your doing well, but thats all she gets to hear from you.

 

But this will most definately lead to her making small talk so be prepared to go back to NC from there. And if she said anything other than "Hi how are you?" I dont know how I would respond, but if it happens make sure you post it on here before you break NC so we can help you with your response

[Samilia]

Sooo, just wanted to vent a bit. My ex of almost 3.5 years broke up with me about a month ago, basically saying she knew it would hurt more in the long run if we dragged things out (probably a roundabout response to my having broken up with her during a dull time a year prior, telling her I couldn't go all the way to marriage at that point in my life). Anyway, she insisted that she needed me to stay in her life, wanted to be friends, and even wanted to take the camping trip we'd planned on this summer. I tried to follow this route & be strong (even thought it was what I wanted), but after a week of her calling me daily but not being able to be with her romantically, I initiated NC to stop the pain.

 

After 3 weeks of NC, which has been going relatively well, with some liberating ups, some recurring sadness, etc, I find myself thinking a lot today, suddenly, about this camping trip that could have been. I had asked her how she'd be able to handle us doing that but not being physical - she said it would be hard but she thought we could do it. As much as I know her decision to break it off was right in the long run (cause we weren't going to get married at this point, and if there is/was any future hope for another go years down the line, she preserved it), I find myself thinking about how I might have been able to win her back on this excursion, missing the idea of her company, and missing her. It's not super painful to think about, but it's got me kinda down in the dumps.

 

Any thoughts ? I don't know.......

 

Such a bad idea.. no no no... run from that idea... if you like camping that much, go with someone else!

[RogerWallace111]

Samilia - No no no is right - I wasn't ever contemplating going back on my decision or breaking nc, I just couldn't help having wistful thoughts about the past and what I may have made happen should we have done that. The question mark on the thread title may have implied a "should I do this ?", but that was never an option/possibility. And I am going camping & to what should be a very dope show in a couple weekends w/ a buddy. Think I'll get some some ecstasy as well !

 

Abelincoln - You honest mother****er, you ! Most of what you said is on point ! It's definitely time for a new girlfriend or some casual sex. I haven't been and will continue to not be her friend, as that would be just helping her through it to my own disadvantage, correct. I'm gonna be camping w friends, and continuing to do all the relatively great **** I do, while inevitably meeting new people. I don't know about a retriever though, ha. I may feel lonely but only in the wake of this ****. As much as it sometimes fails to comfort me, I've got a tight circle of close friends and lots of others whom I should be hanging out with more / getting back in touch with. And yes, the loose ends are a big part of whats getting me down...

 

Though I acknowledge theyre not technically inaccurate, failed & dead seem like relatively harsh words. I always thought situations like this were common. Maybe it was Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby putting thoughts in my head from a young age hahaaa. Where you can be mutually in love but know you're not ready for a lifetime commitment, and have to walk away... I know many people's tendency on here is to find some more ****ed up angle that reflects a "harsh reality" type of viewpoint, but come on, I know this happens to others.

 

AJ - Yeah who knows what's easier. I am glad for future relationships that I haven't been given extra reasons to be more wary/withdrawn/paranoid (I'm already a somewhat jealous type), but you're right the fondness may let it linger longer. And yeah, optimistic is right ! I've already got what most people seem to think is an awesome career, in a creative field, but my aspirations go way beyond ... And there will be ladies.

 

I don't think she'll ask how I am, that would be good though. It will be "Are you still not ready to talk to me ?" or "When do you think we can be friends? It's been __ months". She was the one calling me everyday post bu, and the one crying when i told her I couldn't keep talking to her... She really thought she would be able to keep me in her life, in fact that was probably a large factor in her having the courage to break it off. I don't how I will respond if she asks something like that...

 

Oh, and, you're right, smiley faces are crucial haaaa