eunpa Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 I'm sure it's a song you've heard before, but I'm looking for a little advice or validation. My relationship was a little different because I live in Korea and my boyfriend was Korean. We lived pretty far about and spent time together on the weekends, keeping in touch via phone and Korea's Kakao Talk (like sms). We were only dating for about a month but things were going really well. We knew from the start that his job would be sending him on a business trip to Algeria that could last anywhere from 3-12 months, but we went ahead anyway and kept seeing each other. I wasn't sure after a few weeks what would happen once he actually left, but he had been so amazing that I wanted to hang onto him. I'd decided I wanted to keep giving it a go while he was gone. He clearly didn't want to talk about it because it's a hard subject. It's pretty typical in Korea to just ignore and not talk about something that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable, so it didn't surprise me. However at one point he mentioned about me waiting for him after I said I thought I wanted to in such a way that made me think that's what he wanted too. Anyway, when it came down to the wire, visas were suddenly approved and right after our fantastic one-month date day his boss bought plane tickets for their team and suddenly it was less than a week before he was going to be shipped off to Algeria. He had planned on coming to see me the weekend before but canceled the plans so he could spend time with his family. I was very upset because we don't live very close to each other and it meant we probably wouldn't get to see each other before he left. My emotions run pretty high at times like these and I tend to bottle it up to stay rational. Of course I understood he wanted to spend time with his family. Suddenly talks were coming up that the trip would probably last a year. He said he didn't want to try to make time to come see me because he just feels guilty. He started saying he thought our relationship was screwed and that we were going to have to break up. I didn't want to break up, but I wanted to talk about it. However, he works something like 12 hours a day (most men do here) so I had to wait all day to talk to him about it. It gave me a lot of time to think, though; and call my mother. I know that trying to keep a relationship going at that distance after a month is pretty insane. I rationalized it out and decided that even if it hurts breaking up is the best decision. Maybe some other time we can pick it up again later and see what happens, right? When we finally did talk on the phone about it, I mentioned this to him. At first he was confused about why I wanted to keep in touch, but my point of view is this: we're not breaking up because we hate each other. Things have been going well and the issues either of us have now aren't things that are going to impact us right now. So, why shouldn't we keep in touch just in case, when he gets back, the opportunity to pick it again arises? We agreed that we didn't want to stop talking or lose touch, but after we had our serious emotional conversation we started talking just like we always did...which made me feel good and bad. The only time we talked after that conversation we said goodbye before his flight a few days later. This is the important/recent part: I did the depression thing over the weekend. I spent the week with friends, kept busy, and talked to people when I was sad. The following weekend I spent with my friends as well, which was great accept when I sat outside in public with my friend while I cried and told him how much I miss my ex and how I wanted to email him; but I didn't want to bother or smother him. I miss him so much it has been haunting me since we broke up. I wanted to email him and say hello and just see how things are going but I kept myself from doing it because I know the space is good for both of us. Then, suddenly, I got a text from him this past Tuesday after I had spent the night before crying and not emailing him just to say hello. There wasn't much to say. Just hello, how are you, and a little about what he's doing there. How they're busy and work all day and only get a day off every two weeks. Since then he only ever has enough time to say a little here and there and the time difference usually puts him at work when I'm awake and free and me asleep when he's not working. He can't be messaging me throughout the day like it used to be, either, because I'm certain he's using wifi to contact me. It just sucks. I want to email him, like a letter so we can have a little longer dialogue, but I'm afraid that's still too much pressure right now. Yes sometimes I still think I want to get back together. It's been over two weeks. I know our time was short, but he is really an amazing guy who treated me wonderfully. I'm not sure what will happen in the future, but I don't want to go no contact with him because I'm still emotional. Anyway, thoughts?
MooBear Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 My first reaction: don't wait around for him to come back. A lot can happen in that time period. An initial break from contact might be beneficial, or at least limited friendly contact - no I miss you etc just keep it simple. I would just try to think of him as a friend right now, keep living your life and then just see what happens when he comes back.
Author eunpa Posted June 24, 2012 Author Posted June 24, 2012 Actually today I agreed to go to a movie with a guy. Then movie turned into dinner and a movie. Suddenly it looks a lot like a date without saying 'this is a date'. I'm glad he finally made a move, but I feel a little guilty because I'm still getting over the ex.
MooBear Posted June 24, 2012 Posted June 24, 2012 Actually today I agreed to go to a movie with a guy. Then movie turned into dinner and a movie. Suddenly it looks a lot like a date without saying 'this is a date'. I'm glad he finally made a move, but I feel a little guilty because I'm still getting over the ex. That's good! Well done :-)
Author eunpa Posted June 26, 2012 Author Posted June 26, 2012 The date went pretty well. He's a bit awkward, but I tend to attract awkward. We'll see how that goes. The ex and I are still talking. He even started texting me in the middle of my not-a-date, which felt weird. I feel bad for him because he hates his job there so much. I still think a lot about how I want him back, even if I do also kind of like someone new. I feel like he cares about me, but clearly he has some reservations about our relationship with his job. He'd told me when we broke up that he had trouble meeting girls who wanted to date him because of his job. I guess he ends up going on trips like this a lot. He wants to try to retire before he's 40 (he's 29) and save up as much money as possible...then start a family. He'd asked me if I thought I could wait for him if this job was going to last a year, or two, or five. At that time, I said I didn't think I could. I don't know. However, I don't know if I believe him when he's said he wants to work like this forever. When I would question his boss' methods for having them work so much (he claims it's Korean style) he would say "What should I do? Quit?" He said it quite a few times. It leads me to believe he wants to quit. Anyway I'm just musing since I've talked to him a few times in the last couple of days.
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