goodintentions Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 My girlfriend of 4 months dumped me about 5 hours ago. I know, I know 4 months is nothing...but this is the first girl I've ever truly loved. I've dated other girls and been in another serious relationship (2 and a half years), but for some reason I've never fallen for anyone like I fell for this girl. We were friends before we started dating. Our relationship was awesome and we really were great together. Things escalated rather quickly, I said I love you pretty soon and she said it back soon there after. She would take it back a few days later, which stung, but I was always very understanding and never pressured her. She had been severely hurt a little more than a year ago when she offered up the L word to an ex of hers, so she obviously had an aversion to the expression. She also had walls built up, which she claims I broke down, but now I'm not so sure. I treated her like nothing but the best. Constantly treated her to things, gave her flowers when she least expected it, helped her without her asking; not to toot my own horn but I was a damn good boyfriend. And she used to constantly tell me that I was the best boyfriend and she felt so lucky to have me. However, I was uneasy a lot because she was very up and down. She was scared to death of being vulnerable and was horrified by how strongly she felt about me. I know she loved(s) me, but she was simply in denial because the thought of her feeling that way about anyone scared her. She even told me herself that she would think about a future with me and that scared the crap out of her as well. And just 2 weeks ago the L word actually slipped out of her mouth on accident a few times. Also, I have not said it myself in months because I understood that it freaked her out and did not want to rush her. But then it started going down hill....she started saying she felt suffocated and that I always had to be with her. Which is not the case, AT ALL. I respect her space and we had our own lives. I think she was just making up an excuse to make herself care about me less, I really do. I never called her and asked her where she was or who she was with when we weren't together and I hardly ever even asked her to come over. It was always she who invited me to come to her place. So that was BS and I told her so today when we were having the break up talk. She also really stopped appreciating me. Stopped saying thank you after I bought her food, never really offered to do anything nice for me. But I kept on giving to her. That's what the talk was about. I told her I just felt unappreciated at times and that sometimes I just need to see and feel it. That's when she said she knows, that she was in the relationship half-heartedly and that I deserved more. She added that she really likes me and likes being around me, but we just can't be together right now because she can't treat me like I treat her. I told her I was confused because if she liked me and we were so great together, why couldn't she just work on it within herself? She said that's not fair to me, to make me wait, and then said it was over. We couldn't be together right now. I told her I wanted to wait, but she didn't think that was the right or fair thing to do. So I asked if it was permanent or just a break to give her time to figure out what she wants, and she said she doesn't know right now, but she doesn't want me to wait around for her. She says whatever is supposed to happen will happen and if we have a future together then we will and if we don't, we won't. I've never been more devastated in my life. I've cried more in these past few hours than I have in the past 5 years combined. My entire body hurts from crying. My friends have been there for me, even her best friends, because they say they know she's making a mistake. Her friends all love me and used to tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I know she was right, I know I deserve more. But I love this girl so much and was/am willing to wait for her to figure everything out up in her head. The thought of never being with her again scares me to death...I definitely was beginning to think this was the girl I was going to marry. After all, college graduation is less than a year away, but now that's all gone. It also really hurts because I know deep down she does have strong feelings for me. I just wish she would go with the flow and stop being scared. She knows I would never hurt her...so I don't know what she's so scared of. What should I do? Should I hold onto what I had with her? Or should I move on. Thanks to anyone who actually reads this...I just need to vent right now. This is the worst feeling in the entire world.
Breck Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 After a breakup, especially with women, the dumpee is subconciously conditioned to feel that their last relationship was the one and 'felt right'. She said the L word and her ex eventually dumped her. She felt like she had to work hard to earn his love. A year later you came along and the two of you sound like you had a great relationship. At the 3-4 month mark, when things start to get serious in a fast relationship, on a subconscious level she compares what she feels with you with what felt 'right' in her last relationship where she was in love. She has been conditioned to equate the right relationship with having to work hard for love. You are loving her without making her work for it so it doesn't feel right to her. Have you played sports? Imagine working really hard for a coach that never thought you were good enough and then cut you from the team. Imagine a year later playing on another team where the coach thought you were the star athlete yet you were the same athlete as last year. At first you would be excited at being the star player, but subconsciously you would think your previous team was better and the one you wanted to play on. What you needed to do was make her work really hard, not give her so much praise, but keep her on the team. Then you slowly let her earn her playing time. Advice: Keep your distance. Try to move on. Eventually date someone else when you are ready. And as she said eventually things might work out for the two of you. The key is time. You need time apart because time will help her think that you might be harder to get (which is subconsciously whatshe wants). 3
Gulf-Delta Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 It's terrible. Here's some help for ya. 1. It isn't your fault 2. You will live through this 3. Don't try to figure out what she wants or needs. Let her figure it out. 4. Give her space. If she wants it, let her have it. It will do great things for you too. Don't think by giving her space, that's she's gonna forget you or hate you. If you guys had a good relationship, with mutual love and respect, she won't forget. 5. Most people will say to go no contact and just do your own thing. Right now, that isn't what you want to hear and seems impossible...and right now, it is. You are in a lot of pain. Your heart will want to reach out to her. You may beg. You may cry. You may plead and bargain. Go ahead and do it if you want to. This is your hearts natural process of coping and making sense of things. As you keep doing it, you'll most likely be hurt more and more until your heart and mind say "Enough", and you will be able to give each other the space you need. No contact and space should be your goal, but right now it's pretty much impossible. Your heat will tell you to do what's best at the time. 7. Time is the ONLY thing that can heal you. You may never let go of her in your heart, and she may stay in your mind forever, but your acceptance of her choice will become easier once you get over all the "icky stuff". 8. We're all here to help. You can even PM me here if you need to. 9. Your heart is damaged, and weak right now. Let it do what it needs to do. If you need to cry, do it. If you get the urge to call your ex, fine. Just be aware of the consequences of the actions you take. 10. Like my mother says, hope for the best, expect the worst. Could shew change her mind? Of course. Is it likely? Who the hell knows. You can hope all day for it, I know that's the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes, but do NOT expect it. 11. Everyone here has different opinions. Some will say ditch her forever, some will say fight for her, etc, whatever. The best thing I can say is, no one on here is 100% right because your relationship and you and your ex are unique people. What works for some may not work for you. Take everyone's opinions here and heed the parts that apply to you and your situation. 3
sweetheart5381 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 It's terrible. Here's some help for ya. 1. It isn't your fault 2. You will live through this 3. Don't try to figure out what she wants or needs. Let her figure it out. 4. Give her space. If she wants it, let her have it. It will do great things for you too. Don't think by giving her space, that's she's gonna forget you or hate you. If you guys had a good relationship, with mutual love and respect, she won't forget. 5. Most people will say to go no contact and just do your own thing. Right now, that isn't what you want to hear and seems impossible...and right now, it is. You are in a lot of pain. Your heart will want to reach out to her. You may beg. You may cry. You may plead and bargain. Go ahead and do it if you want to. This is your hearts natural process of coping and making sense of things. As you keep doing it, you'll most likely be hurt more and more until your heart and mind say "Enough", and you will be able to give each other the space you need. No contact and space should be your goal, but right now it's pretty much impossible. Your heat will tell you to do what's best at the time. 7. Time is the ONLY thing that can heal you. You may never let go of her in your heart, and she may stay in your mind forever, but your acceptance of her choice will become easier once you get over all the "icky stuff". 8. We're all here to help. You can even PM me here if you need to. 9. Your heart is damaged, and weak right now. Let it do what it needs to do. If you need to cry, do it. If you get the urge to call your ex, fine. Just be aware of the consequences of the actions you take. 10. Like my mother says, hope for the best, expect the worst. Could shew change her mind? Of course. Is it likely? Who the hell knows. You can hope all day for it, I know that's the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes, but do NOT expect it. 11. Everyone here has different opinions. Some will say ditch her forever, some will say fight for her, etc, whatever. The best thing I can say is, no one on here is 100% right because your relationship and you and your ex are unique people. What works for some may not work for you. Take everyone's opinions here and heed the parts that apply to you and your situation. This is some the best advice I have heard here, thank you Gulf.
Author goodintentions Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Gulf-Delta, thank you. That really helps a lot even though it still might not feel like that to me right now. Just for a little update, a mutual friend of ours called her last night to see what she was feeling and her true motives for ending it and then he called me. He said more than anything she was just scared. She was scared of how serious the relationship was, she was scared of permanent commitment, and she felt bad that I kept on doing nice things for her and she wasn't able to give me what I gave her. So she felt it was only fair to end it. She also said she still doesn't know what she wants. She said she might figure everything out, but she told him she doesn't want me waiting around for her because that's not fair to me. While I understand, I won't lie to myself - I will wait around until I know for a fact she's over me and doesn't want to give us another shot. Because she admitted to him that she still has feelings for me and cares for me a lot, she just didn't know if she was ready for a relationship. I ended up finally falling asleep, only to wake up around 4 am...of course only to think it was all just a bad dream before getting smacked in the face with reality minutes later. I couldn't fall back asleep and the tears came again. They've been coming all morning. I hate it and I want to stop...my head feels like it's going to explode. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I caved and texted her around 5. She replied around 8 this morning that she just needs her space. I told her I get that and I'm sorry. I definitely feel worse today than yesterday. It feels like it becomes more real today. We had scheduled a date night for tonight earlier in the week...and now that's not going to happen. I want nothing more than to just hear her voice and to see her....but I know that's not possible. Everyone is telling me to start moving on, but I can't. I can't. I love this girl and although she didn't mean to, some of the things she has said has left the door open at sights of a glimpse of hope. And just being the kind of person I am, I know I'm going to hold onto that hope until it's gone.
Author goodintentions Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Goodintentions. How old are the two of you? 21. Fall we will be starting our senior year of college.
NopeNah Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Start hitting the gym when you're up at 4am! Whatever you do try not to text her anymore. She told you what she wants... "space" being the giver you are, over do that request! Disappear! If she contacts you,cool! If not,cool! You are giving her what she asked for.
NopeNah Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I'd also block her Facebook ASAP! Sure does suck seeing the "girls nigjt out" pics of ex's!
Radu Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 You have a very good logical head on your shoulders, and you were given some pretty awesome advice. To add my own, you were the rebound guy. Rebound relationships generally don't last. She will go through a few more relationships untill she figures out what she wants. Do not get back with this girl, even if she matures, because she will remember this relationship and her last one. It was just not meant to be. Btw, if you move on [date some other girl], you will see her coming back faster than the roadrunner.
Breck Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Everyone is telling me to start moving on, but I can't. I can't. I love this girl and although she didn't mean to, some of the things she has said has left the door open at sights of a glimpse of hope. And just being the kind of person I am, I know I'm going to hold onto that hope until it's gone. What do you want? If you want to get her back then this is the worst choice you could make. Imagine someone breaking up with their boyfriend because he has anger issues. The worst move he could make is to say "I'm going to get her back by showing her how angry I can get." She cares about you. She would be willing to get back together with you. The one thing she doesn't want is for you to show too much interest. She felt smothered, not by how much time you spent together, but by how much you cared. If you want her back, stop holding on. Stop caring. Holding onto hope is what is keeping you from her. She wants to know that you've moved on and are not holding on. She wants to be comfortable around you and this will make her feel comfortable in seeing you again. If you genuinely want to be with her then don't scare her away. Give up hope to gain hope. 1
iPhone Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) You have a very good logical head on your shoulders, and you were given some pretty awesome advice. I hate to play the devils advocate here but I disagree. A very logical person wouldn't shower their other in gifts or affection, because they'd see the perils of it. At least if they were logical in psychology. I'd wager over 50% of the reason she felt suffocated was because you did too much. I will tell you like it is here... girls like and want nice guys, ESPECIALLY if they've just been in a bad relationship... but the nice guy effect WEARS OFF FAST, and it begins to be perceived as weakness and a lack of masculinity. I've had this debate with plenty of girls, and the psychology I am quoting always prevails. What girls ACTUALLY like is the guy who doesn't always do nice things (if for no other reason, than for the fact that when you DO do something nice, it is actually appreciated and doesn't get old like yours did -- she felt like she couldn't keep up. It actually probably came off desperate). Girls like polite guys with a bad boy side (that does NOT include abuse, cheating etc). By bad boy side, I mean things like they don't need constant reassurance, they don't shower their gf in presents, whether physical or verbal, and they make decisions and basically act like a cliche man (such as stubborn, able to make decisions, lots of confidence, NOT DESPERATE). If you feel like this is COMPLETELY not you, then I am being serious when I suggest you get your testosterone levels checked via your doctor (simply ask for the blood work, the whole thing takes less than a week). I am not bashing you here, I am being realistic. Edited June 16, 2012 by iPhone
Author goodintentions Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 This whole thing is just awful. Woke up in the middle of the night again and can't fall back asleep. Tried to go out tonight/last night, whatever you want to call it. Went to dinner with some friends and had a good time. However, as soon as we made it out to the bar, everything just caved into me. I looked around and the last place I wanted to be was there. I didn't want to be drinking and I didn't want to be in a place with loud music. I looked around and saw other happy couples. I then couldn't get it out of my head that at that point, if everything was fine, I would be on my date with her right then. So I left and decided to walk home. My house is only about a mile and a half away from the establishment. Although I will admit, it was a dumb decision to walk home, especially by myself because this town can be pretty dangerous at times. But whatever, I had been forcing myself to be around people all day and I just needed to take time to myself to think and let everything out that I had been holding in. So I started walking. That's when I got a text from....yep, you guessed it. My ex. She said she heard I was walking home from my friend and begged me to not do something so stupid. She then called me and insisted she pick me up. I didn't want to let her to because I didn't want to see her, but I had no choice. She came and got me. This is the frustrating part...we sat in her car for 20 minutes in my driveway talking. About our issues and also about just every day things and life....and it all felt SO normal. It felt like we were still together. She told me she had wanted to talk to me all day and I told her trust me, I've wanted the same. She clearly still feels very strongly about me...I just don't understand this. I asked her if we could just start over and start from scratch. I'd pull back on my emotions and wouldn't let things escalate so quickly this time. She said that's what we would do, IF we started dating again. Eventually just sitting there brought up so many emotions and I couldn't hold it in anymore and started crying. She begged me to stop and said she hates knowing that she's doing this to me...I told her I didn't know what to tell her. Well, I finally got out of the car, but she would call me when she got home to go to bed to make sure I was ok. We talked for another 20 minutes and again, everything felt normal. She started begging me again to not wait for her, but I told her that would be so hard for me to do, especially after tonight. I just know what she is capable of and it feels like she wants to be with me. How am I supposed to move on from that, especially when I love the girl? The conversation ended with me admitting that I guess I have to give her the space she needs and pull back on my emotions. She said that's exactly what she needs and to keep reminding myself that. She said again she just needed time to figure things out on her own, but she wouldn't give me a timeline on how long it's going to take her to be ready. That's why she wants me to move on. I'm sorry, but after this night it's just really hard to. I can't help but feel like I'm throwing something perfectly awesome away and that it's just going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I really think we can be together right now and just work things out together, but she doesn't seem to think that will work... I don't want to give up.
Breck Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 This whole thing is just awful. Woke up in the middle of the night again and can't fall back asleep. Tried to go out tonight/last night, whatever you want to call it. Went to dinner with some friends and had a good time. However, as soon as we made it out to the bar, everything just caved into me. I looked around and the last place I wanted to be was there. I didn't want to be drinking and I didn't want to be in a place with loud music. I looked around and saw other happy couples. I then couldn't get it out of my head that at that point, if everything was fine, I would be on my date with her right then. So I left and decided to walk home. My house is only about a mile and a half away from the establishment. Although I will admit, it was a dumb decision to walk home, especially by myself because this town can be pretty dangerous at times. But whatever, I had been forcing myself to be around people all day and I just needed to take time to myself to think and let everything out that I had been holding in. So I started walking. That's when I got a text from....yep, you guessed it. My ex. She said she heard I was walking home from my friend and begged me to not do something so stupid. She then called me and insisted she pick me up. I didn't want to let her to because I didn't want to see her, but I had no choice. She came and got me. This is the frustrating part...we sat in her car for 20 minutes in my driveway talking. About our issues and also about just every day things and life....and it all felt SO normal. It felt like we were still together. She told me she had wanted to talk to me all day and I told her trust me, I've wanted the same. She clearly still feels very strongly about me...I just don't understand this. I asked her if we could just start over and start from scratch. I'd pull back on my emotions and wouldn't let things escalate so quickly this time. She said that's what we would do, IF we started dating again. Eventually just sitting there brought up so many emotions and I couldn't hold it in anymore and started crying. She begged me to stop and said she hates knowing that she's doing this to me...I told her I didn't know what to tell her. Well, I finally got out of the car, but she would call me when she got home to go to bed to make sure I was ok. We talked for another 20 minutes and again, everything felt normal. She started begging me again to not wait for her, but I told her that would be so hard for me to do, especially after tonight. I just know what she is capable of and it feels like she wants to be with me. How am I supposed to move on from that, especially when I love the girl? The conversation ended with me admitting that I guess I have to give her the space she needs and pull back on my emotions. She said that's exactly what she needs and to keep reminding myself that. She said again she just needed time to figure things out on her own, but she wouldn't give me a timeline on how long it's going to take her to be ready. That's why she wants me to move on. I'm sorry, but after this night it's just really hard to. I can't help but feel like I'm throwing something perfectly awesome away and that it's just going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I really think we can be together right now and just work things out together, but she doesn't seem to think that will work... I don't want to give up. Goodintentions. You need to take my advice if you want any hope with this woman at all. Here is the problem. Nobody wants to be promised that you will like them less! She won't believe that you can like her less anyway. And you are giving her all the control (women don't want control in a relationship. Man in control = security). She wants you to hit the reset button on your emotions (stop liking her and start over) so you can like her MORE but at a slower pace. If you hold on, she is just going to end up resenting you for making her feel bad/guilty (which is how she'll eventually see it). If you haven't seen it (and I can't believe I am recommending it) go rent/watch The Vow. Watch how the main character wins her back. It wasn't because he held on. Seriously. Go watch it!! And tell your friends not to call her about you again.
Breck Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Goodintentions. Do you realize that all you had to do last night was act cool, calm, and indifferent and you could be dating her again about a week from now? All you had to say is that you moved too fast, you understand why she was scared off, and you're cool now. Not mentioning anything about getting back together but leaving her with the impression that you're the same cool guy she liked at the start. Then 1-2 weeks down the road, you could have casually asked her out. Why couldn't you do this?? Because you're holding on. You want her now. Your actions are telling her that you are afraid she can do better and she'll meet someone this week. If you loved her, you would want the best for HER, and what's best for her could be being with you.. but not the impatient, giving her control, doormat you. She wants the cool, take control, fun you. Stop screwing yourself over and give her what SHE wants. Distance yourself because you love her. Show her that you respect her advice. Once you have your emotions under control, you will be ready to start over with her. Right now, you are holding on and delaying this chance. She will probably still be available for 6-8 months. If you act like last night and hold on, by the time you're ready to ask her out, she wont be single. 1
Ajax Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Your situation sounds a lot like mine from a couple years ago. The breakup that brought me here to LoveShack had been a whirlwind romance that lasted about four months. And believe me, a short relationship doesn't necessarily mean the feelings aren't intense. I was brokenhearted for almost a year afterwards, and even now I still think about her. Like your ex, mine had some walls up, and it seemed that when things were starting to get serious she panicked and bailed. But while she was telling me how much I meant to her and how sorry she was that she needed to "figure herself out" and not be in a relationship for a while, it turned out she had someone else in her crosshairs. I know right now you're beside yourself. You saw a future with this woman and the relationship seemed to hold so much promise, only to have that potential go unfulfilled. You're playing the "what if" game. What if I'd done something differently? What if she regrets her decision? That's an easy trap to fall into, but that mindset is actually self defeating. As hard as it is right now, try to see the positive side of this situation. You "only" put in four months. Think of how much more time you might have wasted on a girl who can't commit? She showed her true colors pretty early. Sometimes it takes years to see that. So like most of the other advice you'll hear, mine is to stop communicating with her. It will only drag the pain out and give you false hope. Start doing things that you enjoy and that make your life more fulfilling. It might take a long time to really start to feel better, but the sooner you start to pick up the pieces, the sooner you'll be on your way.
favoritepills Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 I gotta agree with Breck here, you set yourself back several steps when you begged and cried in front of her the other day. She was pretty clear about what she wanted from you: she needs you to give her some space. You have to prove to her that you're independent, self-confident and self-sufficient. The more you beg, the more you push her away from you. Give her a chance to figure out what her life would be like without you, and give her time to actually miss you -- she can't miss you if you're always there. It's not a guarantee that you'll get her back, but it's your best shot at it. In the meantime, it's good to learn that you are capable of making yourself happy; that you're not dependent on the presence of someone else for your happiness.
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