The lesser of two evils.

[AlexanderJames]

A lot of people probably wont be bothered reading this massive journal but some might find they can relate or maybe find some comfort in knowing others experience these things too.

So here's my story for all that can be bothered reading. Not so much for advice but to show people that everyone goes through hardships and they're not alone.

 

In december last year I decided that I didn't want to be with my girlfriend any more. For a multitude of reasons such as we werent getting along too well, often picked unnecessary fights with each other, had short fuses with one another and stuff like that, just drifting apart really. There were no problems with intimacy or jealousy. A big factor in the decision was that we were getting very close very fast (We had only been together 4 months) and I had been hurt very badly by a previous partner whom I had given my heart to not a great deal of time before this. And I admit that I got scared.

 

She didn't take the break up very well as we had recently decided to move in together and it was a new experience for the both of us being of only 20 and 21 years of age. She got into a lot of bad habbits and went completely off the rails. I jumped straight into the angry stage to cope with it all and kind of blocked it out. I felt nothing at all which isnt like me considering im normally overly sensitive. I watched her suffering and miserable and did little to help her. Many would say (myself included) that I was a cold hearted monster. I turned down her final attempt at reconciliation which came about 3 weeks after the split and she moved out and that was that.

 

Well 2 months went by and I felt little to nothing as far as guilt or remorse which I didnt know whether to consider a good or bad thing. I knew I loved her but fear seemed to be in control and I was doing everything in my power not to feel the ammounts of hurt I had been exposed to in the past.

 

Slowly but surely regret started taking hold. I started feeling lonely, sorry for her, sorry for myself. But accepted that she was on her way to moving on and that what was done was done. But this is where the story gets interesting. In early march we started talking again, virtually out of the blue she contacted me. We spent time together as friends catching up on current events and all the 'whats new with you' stuff. Then mid march (This was the day of my birthday) she came around to see me and we slept together. From there on we regularly caught up and it always ended in sex. Most of the time we would sit close to each other talking and saying to each other that we're not here for sex and that it isnt going to happen but then we would start tickling and caressing each other and it always ended the same. As it wasnt bringing up any past feelings between us I let it continue as everyone has needs and it was a healthy and fun way of satisfying them (or so i thought)

 

After about 2 months of this our behaviour towards each other started to change. It went from coming over and having friendly ( but noticably emotionally distant) conversations that lead to sex to us walking through the park hand in hand, spending the night at each others houses without having sex and doing all the things a couple do (Kissing and cuddling in public and all that) It was utterly obvious that her intentions towards me were more than that of a friend as friends do not act in the way we were, not even casual sexual friendships involved such intimacy.

 

This triggered a lot of mixed feelings inside of me. All of a sudden I had stepped back and come to the realisation that I had acted so cruel and horribly towards her. I hated myself for the way I had acted and I had realised that I was only scared and that she was truly the person I wanted to be with. So on the night before her birthday I asked to take her out to dinner and a movie, then to go back to my house and stay together until midnight so I was the first person she was with on her Bday (Something that couldnt possibly be taken as a friendly invitation to hang out) to which she accepted.

We went out to dinner first and instantly I noticed she was somewhat different. A little bit stand off ish and rude. Thinking that this may have been a safety precaution or a reaction to my confident persona I was showing as I felt confident we were headed back into a relationship I let it go.

At the end of the meal we were talking about her weekend of celebrations she had just had. And to my suprise she started talking bluntly about a 3some she had had the night before. I thought it was a joke so I laughed it off but she responded with "I dont care if you believe it or not it doesnt change anything"

This hurt me a lot.. Then we went on to talking about us, I explained that she had known I still had feelings for her and that we had both been acting in a way so intimate that it was almost like we had both entered the relationship again without saying it. She replied with she never had any intentions at all and she was sorry that the message had been relayed to me as such. Feeling extremely anxious, hurt and stressed (And trying to keep my dinner from coming back up) I told her I had to take her home and that the rest of the night was off, she seemed shocked that I had said this (maybe expecting my feelings towards her sexual endeavours not to bother her as I had also had other sexual interactions since the break up but none of which I openly discussed with her at all) she got a little teary but thats it. The drive home was completely silent. Then when dropping her off at her car I decided to have what I was imaginging would be our final conversation. I made sure that she knew I wasnt ending the night because I was angry, but because I was heartbroken. I did not say goodbye, I just said well thats it then and walked off. No hug or kiss or anything. It was a very "Please dont go" moment but she didnt partake she let me leave without saying a word.

 

1 week after this, we had shared a few brief hope ur okay txts but nothing else, I decided to pour my heart out to her and had a long winded speech about how I feel terrible for the way I acted and would give my own life to go back and undo the hurt I caused and much more in depth about my feelings and regrets. It was a very touching and moving speech.. I have since read it to friends who have themselves been brought to tears. The next day I asked to meet her again to talk and she agreed. She came over and made sure to tell me she only had half an hour (even tho she had absolutely nothing on)

I gave her another short spill about the situation and my feelings, but I mostly wanted to understand how she was feeling. But she gave me nothing at all. The closest thing I got to a response was "I dont know, I dont think about you"..

The conversation went on for about an hour, her mood went from cold, hard and distant to teary and comforting as mine went from confident to sad. Eventually she said that nothing was ever going to happen between us again and that the feelings where no longer there. We both had a bit of a cry in each others arms but quickly moved passed it. I asked her about the intercourse and she simply stated that "I did it because it was easy, I dont regret it at all"

We lay still and quiet for a while thinking to ourselves then for a reason thats absolutely beyond me she seduced me, she said it was make up sex (which she later rephrased to goodbye sex) and I stupidly went with it hoping it would make her want me back. The minute it was over she got dressed, said "this cant happen again it was a goodbye thing' and left.

 

I felt okay about this for some reason. Maybe because of the chemicals released during sex or whatever I have no idea. Shortly after leaving she txt me saying "get some sleep you need it xx"

I replied bluntly with "thanks for seeing me tonight" to which she replied "If you ever need me I'm here, I know how hard break ups can be"

Then there was no contact for several days. I was an emotional wreck from the very next day, I felt all the things everyone always feels. That I will never have someone that good again, Ill always be alone, She doesnt care and all that stuff but I reminded myself that these where the exact feelings I had felt last breakup and I went on to find someone better and that it will definately happen again in the future. I was a mess, but not nearly as bad as I have been in the past.

 

Just when I was doing well and not thinking about her much (thanks to patient friends this only took a few days) she txt me asking how I was. I felt like I was back to square 1 but did not let it show. I replied I was great (To show her I was not crippled by her and that I was getting by) and she started making small talk. I stopped this instantly by saying Im not ready to communicate as a friend and that we should have some time without contact. I got no reply. 3 days later a friend informed me that she had been posting status' on facebook saying "I hate waking up in the night crying and not knowing why". Thinking that she was hurting over me I decided to break no contact (Dumb move) and sent her a message saying "Hope you're doing okay :)"

2 days went by before I got a response and all it did was cause more confusion. She replied by copying and pasting my message and sending it back "Hope you're doing okay :)"

I replied shortly after with Im great thanks, if you see me in town tonight come say hey. I did this because we were both going to the same concert and I would much rather have a mutually friendly night of putting up with each others company than having her or myself intentionally cause pain by flirting or picking up someone else infront of the other person. (She is a very good looking girl, and she cannot go to town without getting hordes of attention unfortunately) But alas, I got no response. I did not see her in town that night.

 

2 days after (I noticed that she would wait the same time before replying each time) she sent me a txt saying "I didnt see you, did you see me at all? Was a killer night" Which just annoyed me because I had already found out that she didnt even go to town that night in the end. I did not reply.. Then later that night about 7 hours after sending me the txt she sent a second saying "I hope you had fun :)"

She was now initiating conact with me more frequently, showing me that she was dependant upon my response (Although I was unsure if this was just to ease her guilt or for an ego boost or if she missed me) But never the less I knew I was on her mind. I saw this as a chance to further show my independance and strength by responding with "I didnt see you, I forgot to look. I had a great night"

Almost straight away she responded with Good work to which I did not reply. Then she sent me just a simple ":)" the next day.

 

I had spent many hours contemplating her motives and the situation and talking about it with friends seeking outside opinion. I had accepted that she was blunt about not having a future with her and accepted it as a form of closure, but she had not given me the grace of answering some questions.

Opinions given by others and thought up by myself as to her motives included;

-She was only ever out to get me back and that she had played a clever game of leading me on and picking the perfect time to hurt me.

-She had moved on, but felt lonely and wanted to keep me as a keep close for personal comfort and sexual relief until she found someone better.

-And one that I did not want to believe but couldnt help but ponder on, was that she was afraid to go back, but couldnt ignore her feelings and was contacting me because no contact had caused her to miss me. (I had a weak moment in which I read an article on here about the use of no contact to make someone miss you and want you back and I urge others to realise that this isnt a sure fire way of getting what you want and that No contact should be used as a means of moving on, not holding on and hoping.)

 

I have pretty much come to terms with the situation and accepted that its one of the first two, or even a combination of the both. So the day after she sent me the which happens to be yesterday I responded with a heartfelt message explaining that I ran away from the best thing ever to happen to me because I was scared and maybe its fear thats making her do the same. I shared a saying with her that goes "If you love something let it go, if it comes back love it forever and if it doesnt then it wasnt meant to be" I said I came back and she turned me away.

I told her I do miss her, and stated specific memories I miss, then added that I also accept that I will go on to do all these things and more with another girl.

 

I finished with Im letting you go, If you should come back I will love you forever, but until then, if it ever happens, this is goodbye.

She replied with "Okay.. Sorry.. I sometimes forget and want to say hi. Catch ya x" There has been no contact either way since then. Although it hasnt quite been 24 hours yet.

 

Kind of soppy and movie script like I know but to be honest the message had little to know intention of making her snap into realisation and take me back. It was more a way of making a powerful exit and moving on. If it makes her think about me more or perhaps even miss me then Ill cross that bridge when I get to it but until then Im feeling strong, and Im moving on. Sending the final goodbye was difficult, and took a lot of courage, but the instant I sent it I felt stronger than I have in the last 12 or more months. I almost didnt even bother reading her reply as I was content with expecting not to recieve one at all.

 

I accepted that I hurt her, and acted heartlessly. But I also accepted no one is perfect and that she had made her share of mistakes. And hurting me out of spite is far worse than me making an error of judgement that I later regret doing through fear. I do not hold any grudge towards her I have fogiven both myself and her, and harbor no sour feelings either way. And whether she has forgiven me or she feels contempt with striking me down at my most vulnerable is up to her. But she has been ignoring and burying her feelings this whole time, and I know thats not the way to move on. I feel its not the last I will hear from her. Although it will take a very long time to happen if she does, shes very stubborn and won't want to swallow her pride no matter how much shes hurting. But I am confident its the last of us as a love interest.

 

Cheers for listening and if you can relate hope this helps.

Any discussion on your thoughts or reactions to both of our actions is welcome. And any discussion or curiosity towards how Im coping with NC and what Im doing to move on is also welcome.

[Philosoraptor]

I can feel where you're coming from. It looks like this is still very fresh and underneath of everything the passion is still there. But the ball is in her court now. You've let her know how you feel so now just step back and protect yourself. Start your healing process as if you will never hear from her again. If she does come back, great... if not, at least you will have already started your path.