budley12 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 So today is my birthday and my ex decided not to contact me (there are still a few hours left but Im not getting my hopes up anymore). I understand most would say "ex is ex for a reason" and something along those lines. But just a few days ago he texted me saying he wanted to talk (which he has yet to do) and he even requested me on facebook. I don't understand. If he wants to be friends wouldn't he have the decency of wishing me happy birthday? I am thinking about blocking him again on facebook, but I am just done with the games. I don't understand why he texts me back and then requests me, and then pretends I don't exist again. My guess is he is just checking on me to make sure I am waiting for him still and not replacing him... who knows. Or do I just leave him as a facebook friend and pretend that it doesnt bother me at all, and show that I am moving on. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Breck Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Are you the dumpee? When/why did you break up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Are you the dumpee? When/why did you break up? I was dumped. We were together almost 3 years. BU was around 7months ago, been NC for around 5months. There was a lot of trust issues and communication issues, but we were each others firsts. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Perhaps he wants to be 'friends' but not the kind that wish each other, "happy birthday." Since you are the dumpee, I strongly suggest that you return to NC and block him on Facebook. You really need to give yourself the space and time to heal so that you're not left confused about what you should do if similar situations crop up in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 i don't think you know what NC means. try actually going NC this time and starting to move on without him. i'm sorry though this has got you down. but you gotta be stronger and ignore any/all requests/texts etc or this is what will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAnimals Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 You are expecting too much from him. He doesnt have to wish you a happy birthday even if he wants to be "friends". I would probably guess he just wants to talk to make sure there are no hard feelings or bad blood between the two of you not necessarily have a close friendship. The question is if you still have feelings for him what in the world makes you think its going to be easier to just be his friend? You are just getting your hopes up for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 You are expecting too much from him. He doesnt have to wish you a happy birthday even if he wants to be "friends". I would probably guess he just wants to talk to make sure there are no hard feelings or bad blood between the two of you not necessarily have a close friendship. The question is if you still have feelings for him what in the world makes you think its going to be easier to just be his friend? You are just getting your hopes up for no reason. Ya, I have never understood the wanting to talk about stuff, but not wanting to be friends. I mean, if you spent time together, bonded deeply, talked intimately, then you should at the very least be friends imo. Perhaps its maturity, but being friends makes sense to me when all is said and done. The OP's post is not (hopefully) about getting hopes up, rather the ability to relate to one another. That's what real friends do. If you can't relate and reciprocate the most simple emotions, then why bother with a so-called friendship? If he doesnt wish you a "Happy birthday" then take it as it comes and decide accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 mine did not wish me happy birthday either although i sent her a belated one..atleast it reinforces my will to go NC at that time.It just wasnt meant to be TD Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAnimals Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Ya, I have never understood the wanting to talk about stuff, but not wanting to be friends. I mean, if you spent time together, bonded deeply, talked intimately, then you should at the very least be friends imo. Perhaps its maturity, but being friends makes sense to me when all is said and done. The OP's post is not (hopefully) about getting hopes up, rather the ability to relate to one another. That's what real friends do. If you can't relate and reciprocate the most simple emotions, then why bother with a so-called friendship? If he doesnt wish you a "Happy birthday" then take it as it comes and decide accordingly. I have to disagree about the maturity and being friends with an ex. See noteveryone thinks that way. I consider myself a mature person but I dont believethat has to always include a friendship with an ex. From the OP's post Igathered he said he just wanted to talk. As far as I know he did not actuallysay he wanted to be friends, which is why I believe the OP immediately expectedtoo much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I have to disagree about the maturity and being friends with an ex. See noteveryone thinks that way. I consider myself a mature person but I dont believethat has to always include a friendship with an ex. From the OP's post Igathered he said he just wanted to talk. As far as I know he did not actuallysay he wanted to be friends, which is why I believe the OP immediately expectedtoo much. Exactly, LoveAnimals. The only way you can be genuine friends with an ex is when you no longer have any interest in a romantic relationship with them. It's not about what is or isn't mature but what is healthy. If the OP can be true to themselves that they no longer want anything but a platonic friendship from ex, then that would be a whole different thing there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 I mean I still do love my ex, but I think what I love and miss are the memories. My ex could be a completely different person now. So I guess I still have hopes of us trying again, but at this point I am moving on and would just like to be friends. It would have been nice to just talk with him though since it has been so long and just see how his family is doing and just catch up. I just wish I knew what my ex wants. Does he want to have some sort of friendship with me? It seemed that he wanted to when he said he wanted to talk, and then friend requested me, but now that he ignored my birthday it's like he's still not over things and backed out again. I am really tired of these games and just wish he would be more mature about it and tell me his thoughts. Who knows, maybe he is still confused as well. We are also both studying abroad next semester in different parts of the world, so that could have something to do with it as well. I decided that I am just going to keep him as a friend on facebook and pretend that him ignoring my birthday didnt affect me at all. By deleting him again it would just be immature and show how much he still affects me. If he just added me to see if I have moved on and if I am dating someone, then let him watch me move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAnimals Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Budley I really think you are doing the right thing in moving on. I dont think you should be hoping/waiting around for someone who may or may not come around, because it's not fair to you. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) thanks! Does anyone have any input as to why my ex would do this though? It just doesnt add up: texting saying he wanted to talk friending me on facebook but then ignoring my birthday? -I know he didnt "forget" **this was all during the same week as well and I was also wondering if him requesting to be my facebook friend was his way of saying "I made this move, now its your turn". I never acknowledged that we are facebook friends. Do you think he is waiting for me to make the next move and possibly call? Edited June 14, 2012 by budley12 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I have to disagree about the maturity and being friends with an ex. See noteveryone thinks that way. I consider myself a mature person but I dont believethat has to always include a friendship with an ex. From the OP's post Igathered he said he just wanted to talk. As far as I know he did not actuallysay he wanted to be friends, which is why I believe the OP immediately expectedtoo much. I understand what you are saying LoveAnimals. However, if someone says they want to talk about something with another and means it, they are generally interested in what the other person has to say. It means that the other person's feelings/opinions still matter to them. There is caring involved. Perhaps the ex is testing the waters for real friendship. Who knows? It happens all the time, in fact my very best friend is a man that I dated for a few months. He broke my heart to pieces and then helped me to clear up the damage afterward. I also have to admit, I have missed several loved ones birthdays during times of pressure, stress, etc. The birthday wishes really dont mean a damn thing at the end of the day - if you are cared for they will show all the time or anytime rather than on a special occasion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) thanks! Does anyone have any input as to why my ex would do this though? It just doesnt add up: texting saying he wanted to talk friending me on facebook but then ignoring my birthday? -I know he didnt "forget" **this was all during the same week as well and I was also wondering if him requesting to be my facebook friend was his way of saying "I made this move, now its your turn". I never acknowledged that we are facebook friends. Do you think he is waiting for me to make the next move and possibly call? I've been following this thread and I do have to say that this "friendship" facade that you're displaying is a complete lie. You cannot have a friendship with this man because no person will analyze and beat this to death because a "friend" forgot to wish them a happy birthday. In that sense, you need to really ask yourself, what is it you are trying to accomplish here. Friends is a facade, a false sense of security for a dumpee, a way to remain in the dumper's life after a break-up. Sort of a reminder of your existence so you're not forgotten. Do you want to consistently keep playing these games with yourself or do you want to heal and move on? You can move on and start healing, with strict NC and if he comes back, great, but if he doesn't you will be well on your way to ACTUALLY moving on. You can't move on when you are still and continuously affected. If a friend, in it's true meaning forgot to wish me, it would be completely fine. The fact that you are going on and on, is testament that you really need to break this attachment that you have because you're going on an endless path. I'm not saying that you can't have a friendship. You can but only when you have healed and have moved on, and COMPLETELY unemotional about him. And if the two of you appreciate each other, it will happen in time. But all this delusional talk about friends and passive aggresive game playing and your efforts to read minds and provoke reactions is going to always keep you stuck. It's been 7 months since your break-up. You're still in limbo no matter how much you try to convince yourself you're getting better or that you are moving on. Edited June 14, 2012 by geegirl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) geegirl gave excellent advice. Let the birthday wishes (or lack thereof) pass. No contact means just that: No contact. Possibly the only exception would be a death in the family to give condolences. If you have something in the depths of your heart that is remotely wishful for another chance at a relationship, then you must stay away and heal without that ex's presence. You will be twirling in the same, hurtful, vicious cycle if you interact with your ex at this vulnerable time. Edited June 14, 2012 by LovelyDaze 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 thank you very much everyone for your input. I guess you are all right. If one missed happy birthday was able to put me in this state I clearly am not ready for any type of friendship. Guess its time to just go back to moving on and try and forget about him. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 So today is my birthday and my ex decided not to contact me (there are still a few hours left but Im not getting my hopes up anymore). I understand most would say "ex is ex for a reason" and something along those lines. But just a few days ago he texted me saying he wanted to talk (which he has yet to do) and he even requested me on facebook. I don't understand. If he wants to be friends wouldn't he have the decency of wishing me happy birthday? I am thinking about blocking him again on facebook, but I am just done with the games. I don't understand why he texts me back and then requests me, and then pretends I don't exist again. My guess is he is just checking on me to make sure I am waiting for him still and not replacing him... who knows. Or do I just leave him as a facebook friend and pretend that it doesnt bother me at all, and show that I am moving on. Thanks your ex didn't "forget" to contact you, your ex doesn't want to contact you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 your ex didn't "forget" to contact you, your ex doesn't want to contact you. I get that. There is no way he forgot my birthday. I wasn't expecting a birthday wish from him until a few days ago he sent me a text and a friend request on facebook. If he didnt want to contact me why did he do those things? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I get that. There is no way he forgot my birthday. I wasn't expecting a birthday wish from him until a few days ago he sent me a text and a friend request on facebook. If he didnt want to contact me why did he do those things? Time to stop questioning his motives because no one can decipher his behavior. Your ex is the only one that has that answer. We can all speculate but at the end of the day, you need to stop beating on what you do not know but what you do know. And that is you are broken up, it's been 7 months, you haven't in the least detached, he has not mentioned getting back together and he just slapped you in the face by ignoring you on your birthday. Delete him from FB. Cut all contact and start your journey. You've alredy wasted 7 months on this man and you still have nothing to show for. You need to make different choices for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I get that. There is no way he forgot my birthday. I wasn't expecting a birthday wish from him until a few days ago he sent me a text and a friend request on facebook. If he didnt want to contact me why did he do those things? he probably sent that text and the friend request because he's deeply in love with you and doesn't know how to tell you that he wants to marry you, so he did those things instead? Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) he probably sent that text and the friend request because he's deeply in love with you and doesn't know how to tell you that he wants to marry you, so he did those things instead? yep, you're probably right. seeing as we havnt talked in 6months that is his exact thoughts. Because that is quite common for ex's to come back from not talking and hard feelings and being madly in love and wanting to get married. But seriously, I don't need your sarcasm. I am looking for real input and you just stating this accomplishes nothing but more hurt feelings. Geegirl, thank you. I guess at the end of the day it doesnt do any good to try and analyze what my ex is thinking. Maybe he is confused as well and was trying to decide whether it is worth trying to start someting back up at this point, even if it is just a friendship. But if his feelings were that strong he would make it known. It doesnt help that my ex is very passive and would rather "go with the flow" and hates awkwardness. Edited June 14, 2012 by budley12 1 Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) Geegirl, thank you. I guess at the end of the day it doesnt do any good to try and analyze what my ex is thinking. Maybe he is confused as well and was trying to decide whether it is worth trying to start someting back up at this point, even if it is just a friendship. But if his feelings were that strong he would make it known. It doesnt help that my ex is very passive and would rather "go with the flow" and hates awkwardness. Thats why I feel that maybe I should reach out again since he was the last to make a move by adding me on facebook. And I will go back to what I said that even if that was his intent, you are truly not ready for any contact with this man because any form of contact will send you spiraling. Imagine if you were friends, and you found a picture of him kissing a new girl on FB. What would you do? Be a friend and congratulate him? No, you'd be kicked in the gut. Imagine you sent him an email and he didn't answer for three days. You'd be on pins and needles and possibly on LS asking why he hasn't responded. Any sort of anything is going to affect you because you are LYING to yourself. You're holding on to hope. You don't want to let go. Anything is better than nothing. You almost want to force this man to come your way. Please stop. Who cares what his intent is or if he is awkward? All that is of no meaning because you cannot handle anything right now because you have expectations and you have hope. All of which he cannot and is not fulfilling. So, now you've spent 7 months doing the same things with no results. You keep seeking a friendship when it's not what you want. Be honest with yourself. If you want more, he can't give that to you. Adding you on FB and then ignoring you on your birthday is not a sign of someone wanting you. If you want a friendship, then get on NC and at some point you can revisit that. Just be honest with yourself and dig deep and figure out what your limits and capabilities are. You know you are doing yourself a severe injustice when you continue to hurt yourself this way over nothing but piddly attention. Edited June 14, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 yep, you're probably right. seeing as we havnt talked in 6months that is his exact thoughts. Because that is quite common for ex's to come back from not talking and hard feelings and being madly in love and wanting to get married. But seriously, I don't need your sarcasm. I am looking for real input and you just stating this accomplishes nothing but more hurt feelings. except that's what you want to believe it means. hence, you getting pissed off about it. everyone is telling you that it means nothing, but there are two pages now of OMG WHAT DOES IT MEAN, WHY WOULD HE DO THIS when there's nothing done, and there's no meaning in ANY OF IT. you want to believe this is some big, tragic sign that he totally wants you but just can't say it...when that's not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Jingle14 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Ya, I have never understood the wanting to talk about stuff, but not wanting to be friends. I mean, if you spent time together, bonded deeply, talked intimately, then you should at the very least be friends imo. Perhaps its maturity, but being friends makes sense to me when all is said and done. The OP's post is not (hopefully) about getting hopes up, rather the ability to relate to one another. That's what real friends do. If you can't relate and reciprocate the most simple emotions, then why bother with a so-called friendship? If he doesnt wish you a "Happy birthday" then take it as it comes and decide accordingly. Mine wanted to still sleep with me but not be friends - 'would complicate things'. Classy. But if this person does want to be friends with the OP then, I think, she could have expected birthday greeting as why would you not wish a friend a happy birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts