roughboys30 Posted June 7, 2012 Posted June 7, 2012 Just woke up from a very odd nightmare involving my ex-gf.....we were undressed and getting ready to get intimate and then she starts hitting me and trying to kill me...then a couple of minutes later, she's fine....then she starts trying to kill me again...I end up throwing her down a flight of stairs and leap after her trying to finish her off yelling things like "is this what you want? you want me to kill you?" and she seemed to be getting off on it....and then I wake up....stunned from the dream I just had....very strange anyways, the particulars of my breakup are this.....it's been nine months since it happened....she is now 34 and I'm 36....we were together for four years...had the occasional argument but nothing really serious.....she was a wallflower pretty much her entire life and I only had one other relationship so...coming into this we're both pretty much rookies at this whole thing....In the very beginning, I stressed to her my experiences with my last relationship which was five years prior to this one starting....basically pointed out my entire history and explained that lack of communication killed that relationship and that if she ever had any issues with me, to let me know so that I can make changes (if needed). She's a virgin and I also told her that I would wait no matter how long it took for her to feel comfortable with doing that. I know the experience of losing your virginity and that it only happens once and my experience was not that great and I regret it to this day. We did plenty of things in the intimacy department but she never gave me the green light to go there....we got close last summer but it never happened. Two years into our relationship which started off as a long distance thing as we lived on opposite sides of the state, she moved in with me. I was living with my brother at the time and we have had a very rocky relationship and it took its' toll on our relationship. So much so, to the point she wanted to move south to her parents house. She invited me to come along but originally I had wanted to stay as I was scared of making such a big move....I talked to her dad and my best friend and they both told me that If I love her and wanted a relationship with her, I need to do the right thing and to do what I really wanted to do which was to stay with her. So I made the move down her with her and the first year was great...A lot of thing happened in the last year of our relationship. Both of her parents ended up in the hospital and I started playing poker just as an escape from the daily grind of work, school, and coming home....I should also mention that in september of 2010, I had a phone sex session with a very old ex-girlfriend who remained a good friend all of these years....I don't know really why i did it, my friend was going through a divorce at the time and she was really down on herself and I think in some weird way I was trying to bolster her self-esteem and just got caught up in the moment...it wasn't anything that my girlfriend did to make me do such a thing....I'm truly embarrassed and sorry that it ever happened....I never spoke of it again and neither did my friend, we just both tried to forget about it and move on.....anyways, the playing poker took time away from both of us and I started to notice that and in July of 2011, I stopped playing and tried to spend more and more time with her....she made a new friend at work and she was talking to him quite a bit....I had my suspicions but I still trusted her blindly. Then in September, she broke up with me....we were planning on getting married sometime in late 2012....we never got engagement rings or anything like that, we were looking at wedding rings in 2010 together....we were verbally engaged, I guess...my main sticking point was that I had wanted us to pay off our debts first before getting married, mine were already settled and we were working on hers (around $5,000)...She explained to me some of the reasons that she wanted out and I conceded that those reasons were valid (my own personal issues...behaviors, personal stuff, etc) but I still thought that this other guy was the main reason for her doing this I tried staying in the house (we lived with her parents) for six weeks in the attic, trying to save some money up for a proper apartment and a car....but I just couldn't do it anymore as seeing her never at home and always out with this guy was too much for me mentally. So in mid-October, I moved out....I should add that during the breakup, I confessed what I had done (with the phone sex thing) and she was obviously upset...not so much that I had done it (I think)...but that I had waited a whole year to tell her....most people would surmise that I told her to hurt her...but that's not the case at all, I was trying to get the truth out there (I know now that it probably was a mistake in telling her) and I wanted her to tell me the truth about this guy. Anyways, I've tried making small overtures over the next few months....a text message in November for the holidays, text message for New Year's, a text message in February, etc I got no response to any of them....she blocked me from her facebook back in November after I had de-friended her....I ended up in the hospital back in March for what was a gallstone attack...then a few weeks later, for an accelerated heartbeat which I think I know now was probably a panic attack. Got nothing out of here for those episodes either...her parents visited me in the hospital when I was in there and they passed along that she was aware of my situation and that she hoped I had gotten better. Through some sources, I found out that she posts on a private blog and that she posted about her problems with me last summer and it was hurtful on one level but also informative on the other as what she told me was the truth...her issues with me were legitimate and that this other guy wasn't the reason she left, but a catalyst for leaving. I'm trying to work on these issues, not really for her...but for myself as these issues have plagued me for years. It's my summer goal to meet these issues head on and obliterate them. As far as her relationship with this other guy...she posted back in April (they've been together seven months at that point) that they haven't said "I love you" to each other yet and that basically she's ok with the arrangement and she's going to just enjoy the relationship however way it turns out. I know I've made my mistakes and I'm partially at fault for the failure of our relationship...I think she's at fault too for not bringing these issues up before they became such a millstone around her neck. My game plan (if you could call it that) is to work on my issues and myself (exercise, eating right, etc) all summer (and hopefully for life afterwards) and to also save my money up big time.... in February of 2010, she had pitched in around $5,500 to help me pay off a debt that she was sick and tired of seeing as it had to do with my brother's friend (who co-signed the loan)....she didn't want my brother to keep checking in with me on it every so often, so she basically threw everything at it to get rid of it. A month after the bill was paid, my Brother called me asking for a little bit of money for moving expenses. I should have just handled that on my own but I was in between paychecks and my next check was a few days away and I asked her to float me a little bit of money until I got paid ($100) and then I would pay her back....we had a huge fight over it and I know now how truly wrong I was to even ask her for that and I'm eternally sorry about it. She didn't have issue with me paying her back, she knew I would...it was the principle of the whole thing. Anyway, since that incident...I knew she resented me for that money that she had paid out and the other big part of my game plan is to have that money ($5,500) saved up and to pay her back....it's not really a case of trying to get her back anymore...to me, it's the right thing to do and it's something that I really want to do regardless of her situation or mine...her birthday is in Sepetember, so...that's when I'd like to do that. Yes, on one level...it would show that I have made some changes but again, I want to pay her back anyway...it's not a gift if she's getting her money back, right? heh Obviously, I still miss her a lot and I still love her and I'm at the point now of acceptance of everything including owning up to some of the things that I had done to louse this relationship up. If she's happy with her current situation, that's cool...I'm not going to try and **** that up, I have to respect that and I do. If she wants to come back, she's got to want to do that on her own....if she sleeps with this guy and has gone all the way (I think it's a bygone conclusion by now) then that's fine too....I've gotten over the disappointment of it. I'm actually okay with however this whole thing turns out....the hardest part is that we haven't spoken to one another since October...if she ever wanted back, that would be the biggest hurdle to climb, I would think. I just feel this sense of a goal to accomplish (paying her back), I would feel so good about life and about everything if I accomplish it. I felt that same sense when I had paid my first car off after five years. So, I really think I need to do this for myself. Any thoughts would be welcome or any possible mistakes in reading all of this...apologies for the length of it but I feel certain things had to be in there to get the gist of the whole story. Thank you
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