polish26 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I don't know why, but it seems that one of my friends thinks it is completely fine to just invite my ex out to all of our gatherings... this makes no sense to me because he and I are going through our own break ups and he doesn't wish to see his ex, whom I am friends with, so I don't invite her out... I cut his ex out of our group of friends lives, yet he can't seem to do the same for me??? This is a real annoyance and I would really like to get your opinions here, as all of my other friends wonder why the hell she gets invited to our social events anyway. Also, my ex is going through GIGS right now, and has thrown it in my face everyday at work with the guy sitting directly in front of me... 1. Am I acting childish about this? My ex and I get along civily, at this point in time, so that's not the issue at hand (we are mainly NC unless around each other) 2. Why would my friend be inviting my ex? 3. Any recommendations on how I should bring this up to my friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 A friend doesn't pull that sort of s###. He's a dickhead. I'd have dealt with him by now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Insanityshorse Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Completely unacceptable. I also would not have put up with this ****. Especially if he has an ex of his own and you have the freaking courtesy to knock her to the curb for your friend. Maybe you guys aren't as good of friends as you thought? Not one single one of my friends would pull that **** on me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tree_Salmon Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 Your friends are s%&t. Get new ones 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted May 31, 2012 Share Posted May 31, 2012 I agree that it is not really fair, but how you handle this is important. Your goal is to stop seeing her, not give him a lesson in what friends "should" do. I would suggest talking to this friend about it. Don't blame him or imply that he is in anyway at fault. Then he will have no reason to get defensive about it or make it your problem. Be honest and just explain that at this point in time seeing your Ex is difficult for you and you just need some time and space before seeing her at social events. Ask him to please consider this if he wants to stay friends with your Ex and socialize with her etc.... You are totally OK with them being friends, but it would help you if he could arrange to hang out with her when you are not going to be around for a while. If he is your friend, then he will understand this and have no choice but to be considerate of your needs if you asked him nicely and evoke sympathy from him. Do you have a mutual friend that see's your point of view that you could get onside? maybe have a semi-staged three-way conversation were the mutual friend listens to your problem too, as if for the first time, along with the perpetrator, and then affirms you and agrees to be considerate of this issue..... It's kinda like gently forcing his hand to do what you want by making him feel that he is doing you a favor rather than having done something wrong. You know what I mean? I would also wonder if this friend is actually interested romantically interested in your Ex. Are you sure this is not the case? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author polish26 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Share Posted May 31, 2012 Thank you for the responses thus far, I do know that he constantly says that "he will not pick a side", which I personally have told him is a cop out. Also, I don't think he has any romantic interest in her as our group of friends now share 4 exes, the other 3 of which have simply eliminated themselves from the equation, with the exception of mine obviously. My second reason for my friend not having any romantic interest is he nows exactly what my ex left me with, making my single life that much harder. She gave me a wonderful "gift" in the form of an incurable, but manageable, STD. I don't think he would honestly wish to risk that and our friendship, even though he is testing our friendship at this point in time by pull this ****. I am a very understanding person, and there have been other friends of mine that have already pointed out to him that she should not be around, and that she needs to understand that she really isn't part of our group anymore. I have left her, and her friends out of my life by maintaining NC with all of them, except in these unfortunate social situations that I have been placed in, so I believe I have done my part to remove her from my life... However, she is also somewhat delusional as well lol, she thinks that she has never done anything wrong, and places the blame of our ended relationship solely on my shoulders. If it continues to happen though, I will have no choice but to approach him yet again and voice my opinion. If he wishes to take the route of still inviting her, I will have to end our friendship on principle alone. Do you think that is the right path to take in the end? Or should I move things along much more quickly? Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Yep, this is a ridiculous spot your 'friend' put you in. All of my friends became friends with my ex when I started bringing her around. So when we split, they sort of knew that I had been wronged, and simply chose to let her go...being cordial, but basically leaving her in the past. Well, I had one friend that is either completely oblivious, or simply likes to be an ass and would continually make sure my ex knew what we were doing and inviting her to come along. That friend was basically taken to task by all of us. The funny part is, my probably best friend, was actually VERY close friends with her first. But when the breakup happened, he made it perfectly clear where his loyalties lie...basically because he knew she was the one that wronged me. Now THATS that type of friend you need to keep around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 sounds like you need to dump the friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Sophie99 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I had this too, except my 'friends' invited him out, and NOT ME. He did the breaking up btw.. Well, lets just say I don't really consider them friends anymore.. It wasn't all of them anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Author polish26 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 Yeah, that's the problem with this friend though lol we are also neighbors at this point and he lives with my closest friend. Either way though a change needs to happen because I am just getting sick and tired of whatever friendship he and my ex have to where he thinks it is ok to invite her around all the bloody time. I also know that she does occassionally ask about me and he has pretty much been spilling the beans on most of my activities. I think, in the end, what goes around comes around. I've tried to be a good friend, and be respectful. It's just a shame that it doesn't seem to go both ways after nearly a decade of friendship.... Link to post Share on other sites
coltsfan1 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Have you considered fighting fire with fire? Invite his ex out and give him a dose of "how does it feel" Link to post Share on other sites
Author polish26 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 Have you considered fighting fire with fire? Invite his ex out and give him a dose of "how does it feel" I have considered it, but I don't think that would provide the effect that I want. He and his ex had a mutual parting, and still occassionally sleep together, so I don't think that would provide me with any benefit besides having to listen to his whining on how he can't seem to get her out of his life. He still has to remind her everyday to take her birth control, because that's what she likes, in a way to keep him in touch with her. He just doesn't seem to comprehend simple logic, and thinks that everyone should just be friends for the better of the group... that is where he and I disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author polish26 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 To put it out there even further, he believes that because we hang out more and because he doesn't hang out with her besides these social events that he is in the clear... either way I think his actions are screwed up, probably because of the loss of his own relationship shortly after mine. Link to post Share on other sites
coltsfan1 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Polish- sounds to me like your friend is an idiot, or selfish.... you need to go to the next function she is at and approach women all night. Not to prove anything to anyone but to keep you busy and away from your ex. And stop talking to this guy HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author polish26 Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Polish- sounds to me like your friend is an idiot, or selfish.... you need to go to the next function she is at and approach women all night. Not to prove anything to anyone but to keep you busy and away from your ex. And stop talking to this guy HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU!!! It's a little hard to avoid him lol he lives right next door to me... However, to provide an update, I did confront him on the topic and I let him know exactly how I feel about the situation. His response was somewhat shocking/idiotic nevertheless. He basically said he was just trying to be polite, and that he wasn't really expecting her to show up, but either way, I don't believe my ex will be invited to any further events. I let him know that if our friendship meant anything to him at all, he needs to stop inviting her.... PERIOD... I believe the look on his face was a simple enough answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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