Ex-Girlfriend (Rebound, GIGS, Etc...)

[theundertaker]

First off if you read all of this thank you. If we're on this board we've all been in a similar situation and I hope in someway my story you can relate to, learn from or pass on and gain something from it.

 

It's been 6 weeks since my girlfriend and I have broken up. Why am I still head over heels a girl that left me and instantly rebounded? Why have I felt the way I have in the past 6 weeks and what can I do to cope and make the right choices?

 

Let me give you some background to our relationship.

 

We started dating 2.5 years ago and this past April and were interested in each other several months prior. We broke up due to her depression and the long distance. When we started dating she moved to where I lived at her aunts house. I met her through some friends and we started talking months before and she decide that she wanted to move down here with me so we could date. Our relationship started just like every generic relationship doing the small dates/get togethers and it progressed rather fast. Her and I were in love from the start and always wanted to be with each other. For about a year we did taking things semi slow but were falling fast in love. It was great. Everything about our relationship was perfect and we were as happy as could be. 6 months down the line she starts getting depressed because of her living situation. She lived with her aunts who were old, very rude and she couldn't talk to them about anything. All she would do was stay in her room, work and wait to hangout with me. Which was hard because I was working full time and she lived 45 minutes away but we made it work. She eventually got to the point where she was depressed enough that she started taking antidepressants it was the first time she was ever depressed in her life. I noticed minor mood swings and different behaviors at times but I didn't let it get the best of us. We wanted to move out together but it wasn't possible at the due to her financial situation and mine. So our only choice at the time was to continue doing what we had been. Her depression kept growing to the point where she felt she had to move back home with her family 8 hours away. She eventually told me and I had to support her decision because I knew she was depressed and I wanted to make her happy and I know her being with her family she would. I quit my job at the time and went up with her for 5 weeks to hangout and spend summer together doing fun stuff everyday. It was great it was the first time we spent 24/7 with each other doing stuff all the time. I never wanted it to stop and neither did she. I eventually had to go back because I had the opportunity for a job that I didn't want to pass and we decided that we would try to make this work while she was there. For months we would visit each other every few weeks and tried to see each other as long as we could. It was working out but it was not ideal. She told me all the time how she regretted moving back and it was the worst decision she ever made in her life and already was planning on moving back. Which was okay with me she just had to have her financial situation more secure before we could make that step. So we continued doing the LDR for another several months. By that time she became depressed again and started to take more medication. Once she started I began to notice changes in her behavior her attitude and to some extent bipolarness. Her emotions were all over the place and the arguing arose to the point where she would make suicidal threats. This was all new to me and the situation happened in such a short span of time I didn't know how to treat her or fix the problems at that point. The threats started increasing as well as the arguments. To my understanding it would be over anything and everything. I didn't understand it and I never knew whether or not what I was doing the right or wrong thing and everything I had to watch out for because it could potentially turn into an argument. It was both a new experience for us and we didn't know how to handle it. She was supposed to visit me in the beginning of April right before we broke up but I had to cancel because I wasn't able to have her stay here that weekend because of renovations in my house. At that point it would have been a month and a half of not seeing each other and she couldn't take it anymore. She called me out of the blue one day and she said we had to break up because it was just too much for her at the moment and if she couldn't see me it was only going to make things worse. I had to agree with her at that point because it was out of both of our hands. After that I was angry at the situation because I knew she still loved me and she said she would never leave me and I wasn't expecting that at all because she would always confess this so when she did it I couldn't even comprehend.

 

 

Week 1:

 

Once we finally broke up it was a complete rollercoaster. I completely cut off communication with her because I was angry at first because I didn't know why she would do something like that. After about less than a week I finally get back in contact with her to only find out that she met someone 3 days after of not talking. Who she hooked up with. I was completely devastated and felt stabbed in the back. It escalated into an argument which I now know it shouldn't have. I stopped talking to her again for a second time.

 

Week 2:

 

Week 2 finally rolls around and I had some time to cool off about the situation and I wasn't mad anymore. I apologized for the argument and she did too. She told me how she felt guilty and wanted to be with me. I pushed her away because I was full of resentment towards her. I was telling her I don't know how I can be with someone I love when they have stabbed me in the back like that. She understood... for only a few days and then she blew up on me saying I'm always going to be resentful towards her and she can't date me knowing I'll always bring this up in our relationship. So we stop talking again for the 3rd time ending things in a argument.

 

Week 3:

 

So things finally cool off yet another time and this week it's actually my birthday. I start to hit depressions cold hard floor. I realize what mistake I made the week prior. I waited to give her a call and talk to her because I knew she was going to call me for my birthday. What do you know she does. I answer and we talk for a while on the phone. I basically tell her how much I still love her and apologize for everything and that the only thing I want for my birthday is to see her. The conversation ensues and I pretty much say I'm going to come visit you because it's the only thing I wanted. I called off work and I made the trip 8 hours up north alone just to see her. By the time I get there it's the middle of the night around 2 a.m. I bought her flowers and some other small things she likes just to see a smile on her face. She cried the entire conversation we had. I told her how I would change. She pretty much confesses that she still loves me and wants to be with me but it's not the right time right now and no matter what I do she just needs her space. She tells me she is still seeing that guy and that a few days prior they slept with each other for the first time. This completely tore me apart knowing that bond we had she completely threw away to some guy shes only known for a matter of weeks. She tells me "I hope you didn't come here to sleep with me either because it's not happening." What do you know minutes after she tells me that we end up doing it. I was so confused while I was there. She was cheated on in a past relationship which damaged her for years before us and while we dated. I had no clue why she made the decision but in my eyes it showed me how much she still loved me and for her to be a hypocrite and cheat on her supposedly new boyfriend something she would never do. The next day we continue talking the whole time about things and it pushes her to her breaking point. She can't handle it anymore she says this is too emotional for her and that she was going to freak out and that I needed to leave because she didn't know what to do. We said our goodbyes hugged, kissed and told each other how much we love each other knowing that it could be the last time we ever saw each other as I got in my car she ran into her house crying her eyes out but she told me to call her when I got home which confused me even more because why would she want to still talk to me after pretty much telling me she can't date me right now. The drive back made me clear my head and get some closure I wanted but for some reason I felt like it wasn't good enough. I didn't know what I was doing wrong anymore and I felt every attempt I made was for the better but yet I was losing her more and more. I called her that night and we talked completely normal! like nothing bad ever happened. We said our I love you's and she even said she wish I didn't leave etc... We talked for the next two days normal but she was still seeing that guy which made no sense to me at the time. I kept thinking is she going to tell him I was there? That we slept together? Is she going to break it off with him? Why did she do the one thing she feared most and become a hypocrite? It eventually pushed me to a point a few days later that I had to tell her as long as your talking to someone else I can't talk to you anymore. She lead me on saying I don't know what to do at this point and she hung up on me.

 

Week 4:

 

I let a few days go by to clear my head again after all the confusion and situations both of us have been in. None of it still made sense to me. I felt after I got back from the visit that all closure had been erased because the way she was acting towards me telling me she loves me on the phone and acting completely normal. Holding the urge to talk to her I got advice to write a letter to her. So I did just that. I wrote all the things I wanted to say in person and over the phone that previously I couldn't. It was super in depth with everything in our relationship. Why I reacted certain ways in the past. How I felt, apologies on issues that were never resolved. I even wrote about certain memories we shared that were very important to us. Everything I had to get off my chest and write it down. It made me feel a lot better. I sent it out without second guessing myself. What a mistake. Immediately after I sent it I regretted it thinking it would do more harm than good. I knew it would take 2-3 days to get there so I had to cope in the meantime. I started looking into relationship advice online. I found a million articles. It help to ease the pain I was feeling I was completely depressed. I barely ate for 3 weeks straight all I wanted to do was sleep and go to work. I lost all initiative to do my hobbies I couldn't focus at work I was barely social. It ****ing sucked. The only thing I looked forward to was her getting the letter and interesting stories online that were similar to me or gave me great advice to get my head on my shoulders. The day I knew she received the letter in the mail I didn't hear from her and I thought it was odd at that point it had almost been a week since we talked which was probably the longest in the last 3 years we hadn't contacted one another. The following day she texts and it has nothing to do about the book. She started to blame me for things. That previous week I made an instagram. I added a whole bunch of people who I knew who I had been friends with for years. She saw this and she saw that I added girls and one of them being one I slept with 2 years before her who I was completely mutual with and never had a problem with her in my relationship ever. She started saying how I was going to talk to all these girls blah blah blah and that she hopes I sleep with that same girl again and finally she said something about the book. She told me that she didn't believe anything in it because how I added those girls and everything I saw was a lie. I thought why would she be upset about this stuff if she didn't care? so I explained to her without arguing or anything like that whatsoever that that stuff was not important in my life and that she was looking at it the wrong way and I don't want to her thinking the wrong things when she could easily talk to me about it. At that point she was being super rude and short. I was nice to her the whole conversation and semi hinted that I have been doing better in the last week which I believe helped enraged her and acting the way she was. I have not talked to her since this conversation but from my recollection of reading stuff like this online I knew to be completely calm with her. However this only enraged her. She left on a bad note and I hopefully left on a good. I can't help but think in my mind she will come to her senses and realize that. Is this what she always wanted? She is now acting like a party animal or someone she never wanted to be. Is this her way of acting out? Is it her way to make me jealous? Is this guy just a tool to shove in my face for her breaking up with me because I couldn't give her something she needed when she was depressed?

 

Week 5:

 

I let the previous conversation die with us and I decided for myself that I completely had to cut off communication. I continued reading stuff all the way down to the psychology of relationships. I loved reading stuff about all that and it started to make more sense to me and give me a better understanding of how she felt. In the meantime I became obsessed checking all her social networking sites to see what she was up to. It was the first time I felt like I completely lost her for good and I always wanted to know what she was up to or if she's hanging out with that guy. I hated myself for getting to that point but I couldn't control the urges to do so. I had to know what she was doing. Why? I asked myself anything I saw would only hurt me. I was feeding my own fear but loved doing it. I sat back and watched her evolve into a different person. She started partying everyday. Drinking, smoking, even started changing her style of clothes. Stuff she always despised and didn't want to be. She hangs out with this guy everyday. I was watching her spiral into a demise of her own creation and there's nothing I can do to help her. I know that this isn't who she is and I feel like she is using alcohol, friends, a new boyfriend all just to cover up her emotions. She's easily one of the most emotional people I've ever met and for her to be just over me in just a matter of weeks? It doesn't make any sense. Especially if I still feel the way I do there is no way she can be over any of this, can she?

 

Week 6:

 

It's now the 6th week and I have gradually pulled myself out of a grave I never thought would see light of day again. I've realized that always checking in on her was only hurting myself and I can't keep doing it and I have to have the will power to improve. I stayed busy this holiday weekend and it really helped to clear my mind and start feeling better. I started working out again and eating healthier in the last week. I'm more focused on work and plans that I have coming up. I still think about her throughout the day but it's slimmed immensely in the last week. I plan to improve on myself. The mistakes I made with her. I know what I did wrong and how I would change it and how I would only better us. I keep thinking for us but I'm trying to realize it's just me now.

 

After all I've read online about rebound relations, breaking up, reconciliation, getting back together am I in denial? Why do I still feel like there is hope. How did I go from being told I love you and I never want to be without you to a girl that won't even talk to me just a mere 6 weeks later? How did my life change so fast? I'm trying to see the big picture of it all. But I can't help think that big picture has her and I in it down the line. I really am focusing on myself but I feel like I'm only pushing myself for her. Where/What am I doing so wrong?

[theundertaker]

N e 1? any advice is helpful thanks

[believe_believe]

Hey, I can really feel what you're going through.....the main facts I've got from this that I'm also learning with the recent split with my gf.

 

1) you did nothing wrong, all you did was be there for her.

 

2) her own insecurity got the better of her, and she couldn't believe that she had you building pressure on her that she may not have you one day.

 

3)She began to need you and fall deeper in love.

 

4)When she lived by you it gave her a sense of security (her previous relationship being cheated on), when she left those feeling came back.

 

5) She then began to self destruct the relationship as she probably felt you would cheat on her even though you wouldn't. she wanted to end things on her terms to protect herself from getting hurt.

 

6) Classic G.I.G.s she has now thrown her self into a tornado storm of life being the "bitch" go getter party animal that she had never been. She is self destructing....

 

 

This won't last forever, and she will be back. The question is whether or not you will want her back. Great that your working on yourself and keep it up! but plz plz remain with NC. She may be back when the dick she's with leaves her, or her new "friends" are not what she though! NC! She needs to work on herself and her own issues, and want to really try again for you to contact her again....It's hard, and she will always be at the back of your mind.

 

She's convinced herself somehow that you were problem when you did nothing, it was all her, there is nothing you could have done....if you need to deactivate you social networking accounts for a bit. It's not good for you to keep being reminded and seeing the person you love turn into a monster.

 

 

Chin up, you've done really well...and by the sounds of it you were the most decent of bf. And she knew it and couldn't handle the thought of losing it. The only person who will have regret is her. She needs time to rot for a while and sort her head out as if she carrys on like this she will push everyone away.....

 

 

hope this helps.....

[Philosoraptor]

Yes she rebounded and she sounds quite needy and clingy. It doesn't seem to be as much about wanting to love these men as it is about needing to have someone there.

 

If you want a hard opinion I'd call BS on her loving you if she had the chance a few weeks in and still "loved" you but chose someone else. He was simply more available in her current location and she needs someone that she can be with whenever she wants. Need does not make love, it's just an unhealthy attachment. She bounced around and now is changing herself to fit this new person because she needs to have someone.

 

The mistake you made was giving yourself up. You can't better someone else and she had no initiative to change her own life. I too went down a path where I tried to save someone who was unhappy and found that it makes for a miserable life.

 

Look you seem like a good person who really wanted to help someone. From this I hope you will learn that it's not wise to get involved romantically with someone who doesn't have the ability to take care of themselves. I too did it and lasted for almost 5 years with someone that I can see never loved me, just needed me. She too rebounded and continues to do so as she needs, not wants. Find someone who wants you just the way you are and you will find true happiness and a fulfilling relationship.

[theundertaker]

I agree with both of your replies. She definitely did blame stuff on me and it was clear she was doing that after we broke up when she accused me of already sleeping with another girl and her telling me that " I knew you would be like this after I left just going around sleeping with all these girls" when she in fact was doing the same thing with her new boyfriend. Was she using her own fear against me? If I read through it correctly she actually meant "please don't do that it'll hurt me"

 

I agree with the rebound she started talking to him just three days after us. She told me he hit on her and of course she took it because it was the most attention she received at that time. They didn't meet because it was fate it was because she was vulnerable and now she sits on cloud 9 because of her insecurities. She's now taken on a path that is completely out of her character and I hope someday she realizes the mistakes she makes. It's only natural for me to care because I still believe I'm the only one that knows her best.

 

At this point I'm not really sure what I would do when she does end up contacting me. How I would act, feel, say all things I think throughout my day and it drives me insane

Edited May 30, 2012 by theundertaker

[Philosoraptor]

Hopefully at some point she does fix her own life. It's natural to worry but you must understand that it is completely out of your control. You'd be best to avoid any knowledge of her life and learn that she needs to be in control of her own decisions.

 

It's actually a lesson that I had to learn as I was so worried about things. I put her first even after things ended and it really blew my healing. A few weeks in I decided I was done worrying about someone who was no longer interested in me. It really helped me focus on myself and complete my own healing.

[EbbsNFlows]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through this once several years ago, and I'm also going through it again now with a different girl. She broke it off suddenly about 3 weeks ago.

 

I agree 100% with believe_believe and Philosoraptor, especially on these points:

 

1) You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent this breakup.

 

2) She sounds very needy and unhappy with herself. She needs to work on her own issues before she can ever be happy with anyone else.

 

3) Maintain NC, even though it's going to be hard at times. At this point, contact with her will only give you more pain and confusion, and prevent you from healing. Focus on yourself and your own goals. You deserve better.

[believe_believe]

You will still care, and that just shows how insane she is to leave you...she will realise on her own trust me...

 

If she does contact you you will only know then...but she has to have changed for the better and both of you will have to start a fresh.... you need time to think that is this something that you can forgive or not....time wll be the healer and it will be clearer in your mind...

 

 

If i was you create a document and when you do think about her or what you would say write it down as if you are talking to her....it will enable you to let it all out....there will be a point where you write less and less and you will see how your feelings have changed over time...

 

take pride in the fact you are decent....in my opinion its alot easier for a guy to find a nice girl....finding decent men for women is very difficult...\i really think you can do better....the way she has reacted to all of this is hurtful...and then she's left it so there's no going back.......

[theundertaker]

Would it be the wrong decision for myself knowing that she needs to fix herself but I feel like I am able to help her do so. I know all of her problems and issues she has been through her whole life and the biggest part of me letting go is knowing that she's never going to realize it unless I'm there to help her. I have a desire to be the one to fix and help her get her life on track. It's what still drives me crazy over her. I don't want to see her hurt herself obviously and it only hurts me knowing that is exactly what she is doing. I know I can't force her to obviously think this way or even see it right now in reality but this is definitely my biggest problem/issue I am dealing with coming this far. It's gotten easier with the no contact, I've been able to get the idea of her rebounding out of my head and understand that she might be going through GIGS but I just feel like this is one of my last steps before I can peacefully move forward. Does it really come down to a person only trying to change themselves and that no one else really can? Or at least have someone show them that they need to or put that drive in their head to do so? Can no one really change a person other than themselves and that no matter how much they make mistakes in life they eventually realize it and see the things they ruined in the past and can only decide for themselves that they need to fix it?

[theundertaker]

[Philosoraptor]

Would it be the wrong decision for myself knowing that she needs to fix herself but I feel like I am able to help her do so. I know all of her problems and issues she has been through her whole life and the biggest part of me letting go is knowing that she's never going to realize it unless I'm there to help her. I have a desire to be the one to fix and help her get her life on track. It's what still drives me crazy over her. I don't want to see her hurt herself obviously and it only hurts me knowing that is exactly what she is doing. I know I can't force her to obviously think this way or even see it right now in reality but this is definitely my biggest problem/issue I am dealing with coming this far. It's gotten easier with the no contact, I've been able to get the idea of her rebounding out of my head and understand that she might be going through GIGS but I just feel like this is one of my last steps before I can peacefully move forward. Does it really come down to a person only trying to change themselves and that no one else really can? Or at least have someone show them that they need to or put that drive in their head to do so? Can no one really change a person other than themselves and that no matter how much they make mistakes in life they eventually realize it and see the things they ruined in the past and can only decide for themselves that they need to fix it?

I understand wanting to be the one to help, but it's not your job.

 

And yes, you can't fix anyone no matter how hard you try. If they lack the desire to change there will be no change. If they had the desire they would have already fixed it by now.

[theundertaker]

Thanks, I'm starting to realize this now. I'm finally coming to the conclusion "if you love something you have to let it go" and hope for the best and worse of the outcome no matter what it'll be. I'll come to complete terms with this soon enough and it'll get easier to heal as time goes on.

[theundertaker]

Week 7 Update:

 

Definitely feeling a lot better about the situation. I've been a lot more social more focused and energized at work and I'm try to make fun plans for the future. Time really is the healer in this situation and I hope soon enough I'll be able to have a perfectly clear head. I've definitely have thought about her less knowing it's out of my control. Of course I still care but I will know soon enough that feeling will start to fade and it won't be my responsibility anymore and if she ever came back it would have to be 100% her decision not mine and that's all there is to it. So here's to another week or my life getting easier. Thanks guys for all the support and insight.

[Philosoraptor]

Just continue to be patient and do your best to enjoy everything you do have.

 

I'm glad to hear this week has been a bit better for you.

[theundertaker]

So after 35 days of no contact my ex finally texted me on Monday. It was only a few text but pretty unexpected I thought. She started off the conversation saying "I know i'm probably the last person you want to hear from but I hope you're doing well and everything is going your way" we texted a few more times super light and brief. I was keeping calm only answering her questions/statements and she said she doesn't want there to be animosity between us and that she's been asking her friend how I've been and that she was sorry and the last thing she said was "I don't regret our time together."I responded to that text and she never said anything back so I was confused. Its been bothering me since because obviously I was trying to decipher what she was doing but i'm clueless. I don't know what her intentions are and today I said screw it and started following her on instagram and within a few minutes she started following me as well. Am I reading into this too much?