Just broke up...devastated

[confused2385]

So I’ll try to keep this as brief and short as possible.

 

Started off two years ago this girl was madly in love with me, but I wasn’t ready at the time. She kept trying and we would just hook up all the time. Eventually 4 months later another guy started showing her attention and she jumped all over it. They were together for 5 months all the while she was hooking up with me the whole time and I was trying to hook up with others to see if I really wanted a serious relationship or not. I have always kind of shied away due to the fact I hate getting hurt and don't handle it well.

 

Anyways it didn't work with them and the guy didn't want to commit so she left. At that time I was ready to commit to her and we started our relationship and it was really good. We did everything together. Met the parents, went on vacations, but after 3 months I noticed something and questioned her and she had went on a date with him again (told me after my dad’s 60th none the less). I left her and she tried to rekindle a week later, but said she now couldn't commit. I left her alone and she tried to figure it out with him. About a month later we started talking again all through December and I had a feeling she was dating both of us. Come Jan she said she wanted me and didn't want the other guy. That I am amazing and he’s a jerk and she only wants me.

 

I was so happy and took her on family vacations; she stayed over every night all the while being an extremely passionate relationship. I told her things I've never told anyone and did things I never have before. She pushed me too another level and made me a much better person and really helped me grow. I fell for her and love her deeply. We continued this all the way for four months when I found out she was seeing both of us the entire time. TWO boyfriends! She said she needs her space to figure out why she would do this and hurt me. She’s under so much stress from nursing school and everything else. That I am too great to deserve this and she loves me so much. We did this 4 times back and forth breaking up this month every time more dramatic and passionate. She would tell me she needs to focus on finals and we will talk after and should probably be stronger. I find out that really she has been using it to see him more exclusively yet she comes and talks to me and we have amazing conversations. she is so emotional and the love is extreme. She even broke down after we made love and said I'm closing the wrong door making the wrong decision. We call it off last Saturday and for some reason I am destroyed. Can’t sleep workout no motivation nothing. Think about her all day and night in a daze at work and highly depressed.

 

Out of the blue she calls Monday to see how my dr. appointment went (having surgery soon). We begin texting and flirting like we haven’t done in 6 months. She tells me she is going to come by after work, but then had to cancel and called me that night at 9. Said want me to come bring food, but I didn’t want to push. We talked for like two hours then I told her to come over she said she didn’t want to anymore and we got in a fight and ended on bad terms.

 

I texted her the next day saying I didn’t like the way that ended. She said the same and we would talk later. Well we talked and she freaked out and said very hurtful things completely the opposite of what she said Saturday that we would reevaluate after her two month work job out of town. Now she is saying to leave her alone, she wants to be with the other guy and that's why she's doing it. It’s so much easier with him (he knows nothing really of me and I know everything of him. Thus easier) she was having sex with me every other day last week then would go see him! We talked this morning and she said she loves me and the feelings are so strong and real. Brain ****ing me entirely. I told her I would call her after work and we talked for like two hours about the situation her saying she wants to give it a try with him, but everything is so real and good between us and that neither one of us can name one problem we have ever had or fought about other than this guy. We are so happy together and time fly’s by. We are in our own world and it’s amazing.

She came over and I told her that this is me fighting for her and she needs to make a decision. I can’t keep going back and forth. She chooses him because it’s easier and now I am devastated. I can’t see her in the bad light of what she did and all I want is her back because it truly is/was amazing. I just want to call the guy and tell him everything because he has no idea. He doesn’t even know she leaves out of state next week for three months or that she has hooked up with me the entire 14 months she has known him! She told me she has no want in doing a long distance relationship yet she is now hoping to try it with him. I believe this is the one girl for me. I never believed it would end because it was so amazing when we were actually together. I’m blinded and so low and can’t seem to find the strength to move on.

I left out so much and didn’t even proof read because I am crushed right now and need some help. Anyway to get her back she’s my true love and I’ll do anything to make it work or is this over and she is gone? I know how much she loves me, but I am so confused by everything she said because it contradicts everything else. I understand she wants her cake and eat it too, but all I want is her and am tormented thinking of this other guy sleeping with her at night and hanging out with her. She’s basically going to do the same thing to happen….Any help or advice please. I’ll answer any questions

[sweetheart5381]

First of all. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I have experienced the on/off relationship (still am in fact) and it can be really tough to deal with. It was devastating after the first heartbreak... the rest of them, well let's just call it "live and learn".

 

Her "hot/cold" feelings toward you need to stop for your own sanity.

 

Seriously, go no contact for a significant period of time. If you don't, this will continue indefinitely. To feel used and abandoned will wear on you in terrible ways. "Loving" her is not worth feeling the way you do. It will eventually erode your sense of self-worth and that will affect every other part of your life. That's not love, that's self-destructive.

 

Go NC, heal internally, then reconsider if you want to let another person make you feel like a toy. You may feel right now that you love her and will do anything to make it work. Give it time, your thoughts and feelings evolve and change. If they do change, then you will have moved on. If they don't... well in that case there would have to be substantial improvement in the relationship and that takes the effort of both. Do your part and go NC and let her do her thing. You will see the truth in time.

 

Either way, "The ball is in your court" right now. Dont be her "go-to guy". Just disappear for awhile and see what happens.

[confused2385]

So she came back and stayed her and had sex with me finally opened up to me told me everything. She loves me, I'm so loving, i only make her smile, feel safe and protected, attentive...etc and says not one con all the while crying uncontrollably. Then she says the other guy has devastated her, broke her, hurt her & makes her vulnerable, but makes her feel strong. Then she said she had plans to go out there and see him. Still crying dude calls 4 times. He still has no idea about me and she says she's going out there. I asked if you want him then go. Walked her out kissed her goodbye still crying and walked away. She sat there for ten minutes crying rolled sown the window starred at me. Saying i love you so much, but I love him too. I want him. Just sits there inching forward crying starring at me then finally drives off and heads out there. I'm destroyed right now. Everything I thought she felt and she's denying it and I don't know what to do with myself...help

[confused2385]

Thank you sweetheart5381. I appreciate your words. I am fully committed to pursing NC although it is going to be extremely difficult...Just can't stop thinking about it, her and him with her

[confused2385]

I just want to text her that I need her and to come back. All the things she said were telling her to come and be with me.

[Mack05]

I just want to text her that I need her and to come back. All the things she said were telling her to come and be with me.

 

What would it take exactly for you not to want her back? Having sex with this guy in front of you? Murdering your cat? I am just wondering what levels of cruelty from her are you willing to tolerate?..

 

Where is your self respect? Where are you firm boundaries? Great relationships are built on respect, trust, loyalty, empathy and so much other ingredients. Please show where this girl has given those qualities in this relationship?

 

For some reason you want to with hang with 'pond scum'. Only you know the real reason why. Keep aiming for the bottom of the barrell and the life you will lead will be worthless and pointless. You will never be part of something truly special. Is that want you want for yourself?

 

Unless you grow emotionally and have a clear understanding of what you want and expect in a partner, this is the kind of girl you will continue to attract. 'Average Hoe' who you for reasons I will never comprehend, you see as a 'princess'. A saviour. The only person that can help you is you. Once you have helped yourself, you can start to aim higher cause believe me there is not much lower...

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[confused2385]

I agree and understand what you're saying. I just for some reason believe in how amazing it was and it was only 30% of her. That's why yesterday I told her that i'm making the decision by making you choose. Of course it's easier with him because he knows nothing and questions nothing. I told her of she wants him to do it it's her loss. I, love her and I'll show it by nit communicating with her if this is the she wants. If she is going to ignore her heart and go with some lust connection is what kills me because her great was saying something else. I always have tried to keep myself out of relations becausethree going is hard for me and I struggle with depression and she was the first one to show me feelings and life they I has never felt our allowed myself to feel before. I just don't know how to get past this. All I thunk about is her, I can't sleep the last the Weeks unless it's with her and when I do it's nightmares of her. Just tormented right now because I know I deserve better, but honestly thought after fearing her heart for the first time she was going to choose me and she choose him

 

As far as what would I need to not love or want her back i'm not sure. Probably her being happy without me. I don't know. I'm well aware of how pathetic it is, but I just feel hopeless and can't get past it our understand why....probably because I don't want to believe it and saw her positives and not flaws and thought she was /is worth it all

Edited May 25, 2012 by confused2385
answer question

[Mack05]

Lets say best case scenario and she comes back. The very obvious question is how can you ever trust her? She cheated on you before and there is a VERY high probabilty that will cheat on you again. Why? Because you never set any firm boundaries. You chased her, even though she cheated on you with another man for 14 months. She thinks to herself she can behave any way she wants, because you will let her get away with it. Sitting in night after night wondering what your partner is up to whilst she is on a night out, is no way to live life.

 

The problem is you. You are so low on yourself you would go off with a watering can if it said the words "I love you". I love you are sometimes amazing words to say/hear. Especially when it is said by two people, who back up those words with actions of Love. Sadly they can also be used by emotional immature people to manipulate you, to get you to behave in the way they want you to behave.

 

You have to stop focusing on her words and start to focus more on her actions. She has no respect for you. That won't change if you can somehow win her back. You are too emotional and hurt to understand that you are not thinking clearly. I bet you any amount of money if you reread your first post in this thread in 3 years time, you will laugh out loud and say "wtf was I thinking!".

 

The only way a relationship can really work is when two happy emotionally mature and healthy people who have a connection, meet at the right stage in their lives. If you are being honest with yourself that is neither you or your ex. You need to use this time to conquer your demons. Depression is a horrible disease. I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy, but it can be conquered with self sacrifice, self believe and a determination/will to succeed.

 

You are looking for this woman to make you happy. No relationship can prosper like this. The only way you can get the girl you want, is to be content with who you are. That is not the case right now and that is what you need to focus on. This relationship has no future. When you are older and wiser and not clouded by emotion, you will understand why..

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[confused2385]

She didn't cheat on me for fourteen months. I was around first, but we never got serious until ten months ago at which point she was done with him. She cheated on him with me the whole time and started chewing on me aster a month of us starting back up. I knew I needed to tell her it's over back then, but I was afraid to lose her and she would just run back to him because she doesn't let herself feel her feeling she just runs to another Guy to distract and it's because she got cheated on by the Guy she thought she's marry and know she does the same exact same thing.

 

Kills me to read this hasno future because for some reason I still hold out hope because of the regret I hold nit taking her when she wanted it in the beginning and forcing her to find someone else., just think what if two years ago I days yes and they never met.

 

Just in a very low place right now. I appreciate you're responses as I don't want to bad mouth her to my frienda again because they have already heard it all when we split last Oct.

[Mack05]

You are in denial mate and sadly I can't help you. Ok so from above it was 4 months she had two boyfriends. I guess that makes her behaviour ok then.

 

You need to focus on fixing your personal problems, not obessesing about a manipulative immature girl, who is an expert at playing mind games. A woman that will never give you what you want and need from a great relationship. This is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better..

[confused2385]

I'm not condoning it and I let it happen. I know I have to work on myself, but i'm so de motivated right now. I usually workout two hours a day and I can't even get started. Do distracted.

 

That's what i'm afraid of because I really don't want to deal with it because this is going to take so long to recover from.

 

She leaves for her internship on Tuesday.if she contacts me or trys to see me do I our just ignore everything?

 

I want to get past this for myself, but also show her she didn't have the full control over me and that she made the wrong decision, but it's going to be very difficult considering enthrone I go out now i'm very melancholy

[Mack05]

I know how you are feeling. It's like you are drowning and the one person in the world you want to rescue you, is unwilling to do so. The rejection on top of feeling so low in yourself, is almost soul destroying.

 

For your own benefit yes you ignore her completely (NO MATTER WHAT). You can receive all the advice and support in the world, but it is up to you to drag yourself up by the bootlaces. We all fall on hard times. How we respond when we are down determines what kind of life we lead. I can tell you what I did...

 

Fresh air is crucial from recovery from depression. So many times I would hit the gym and give up after a few weeks cause I couldn't see any results. I knew if I was going to make real lasting and permanent change, I needed to change my way of doing things..I started to walk 2 hours everyday after work. I would find a beautiful place (lucky for me I live on a beach) and walk. I did that for 6 weeks never even attempting to run.

 

Walking had a massive effect on me. I started to have energy again and found myself wanting to run. The more I ran, the more I wanted to eat healthy. Before I knew it I was myself again. I have never taken medication for anything. Medication is all in the mind IMO. Getting out of the house before or after work and breathing in fresh air is thee cure for depression.

 

I used to want to reach out to a woman who was a terrible match for me. Did I have set backs? yeah! but I took the blows and kept moving forward. Its about doing something positive everyday. Now I just read things me ex says/said and have a little chuckle. I chuckle because her strangle over me is almost gone. I chuckle at how much of an idiot I was in the relationship and vow to never behave that way again, or ever get involved with someone like her again.

 

The power is in your hands. Its up to you confused.

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[confused2385]

Yeah I usually walk an hour a day, but know it's thinking about her. I can't clear the mind and everything reminds me of her. We would talk together alot. I terms to hold in to memories and have a hard time letting go. I know the answer, but I can't accept it. She choose him. She goes out of her way for him. She hurts me and is okay with it, but for enthrone I think that I then think how my world with out her doesn't exist.

 

t if you don't mind me asking how long had it been since your break?

 

Hate thinking I would have just done some things differently so she would have realize what she had. Much like him, but she's just on top of the world now that he will commit. I also hate rusty I know so much and have all these weddings coming up that she was to accompany me to.

Edited May 25, 2012 by confused2385

[confused2385]

I keep getting this incessant feeling she is going to call today and it's driving me absolutely insane.. How do I get it to stop?I can't help but wonder if she went and told him everything like she said and what his response was....and it's not even my business anymore

[Chi townD]

I keep getting this incessant feeling she is going to call today and it's driving me absolutely insane.. How do I get it to stop?I can't help but wonder if she went and told him everything like she said and what his response was....and it's not even my business anymore

 

 

You know damn well she didn't tell him a damn thing about you. As far as he knows, he has a loyal and trusting girlfriend that tells him she loves him all the time and gives him some amazing sex.

 

Stop being a damn doormat. But, I think that I'm talking into deaf ears. If she was to text you right now, you would be all over that. You have no will power when it comes to her. You would drive yourself insane not responding to one of her texts.

 

Dude, grow a spine and find some self respect! You shouldn't have to be anyones second choice. And that's exactly what you are. She says the right things, does the right things and you're back to being wrapped around her little finger. She's going away for a few months. I guarantee you she's gonna hook up with someone at her work location. You're dealing with a very good female "player"!

[confused2385]

Yeah you're right she wouldn't tell him anything because no person is going to remove both love interests from their life and she probably went to see him to have some comfort and forget about me and yes that probably would drive me crazy, but I really am going to try and do NC And think I can. I did just relapse because last night she said she felt like this author and it was driving me crazy not remembering. I asked her she told me and some of the books and said thanks. That was it. The author was Jane Austin not quite sure the connection, but yeah this does suck. Wish I could do all that stuff you said. If she does call to see me before she leaves I will not ...hopefully

[Chi townD]

Look, if she texts you, e-mails you or calls you. Stop! Take a deep breath and post here instead. If you feel like texting her, e-mailing her or calling her. Stop! Take a deep breath and post here instead.

[JJ72]

Stop kidding yourself. This girl can never be trusted. I only read half your first post and none of the comments after. You need to move on.

[confused2385]

It's so weird i know it, but I can't stop. I went to my local watering hole with my friends and had a few drinks. Same place we always go together.....wound up sending her " doesn't feel right without you" no response and a few more drinks later i send " Just my last ditch effort. Trying really hard, but it is what it is. I hope everything works out for you. Bye" Hated that I sent it because even though she had the upperhand I actually did with the way it ended last night and now I cam crawling back. She responded back with "Let me come to you let me miss you and i may miss my chance when i'm ready to come around but i need this right now...i know u are trying so hard and that i am what you want but i want to have those same feelings and i dont know what im feeling cuz im confused and stuck in a rut." I so badly want to say how are you stuck in a rut if you are dating another guy and left me after you said im perfect for you last night. I haven't responded and don't want to but i'm struggling deeply right now and for some reason for all her bad doings i can't move forward, FML I came here first. This is the only time i have not responded to one of her texts...going on an hour...does this give her even more power?

[sweetheart5381]

It's so weird i know it, but I can't stop. I went to my local watering hole with my friends and had a few drinks. Same place we always go together.....wound up sending her " doesn't feel right without you" no response and a few more drinks later i send " Just my last ditch effort. Trying really hard, but it is what it is. I hope everything works out for you. Bye" Hated that I sent it because even though she had the upperhand I actually did with the way it ended last night and now I cam crawling back. She responded back with "Let me come to you let me miss you and i may miss my chance when i'm ready to come around but i need this right now...i know u are trying so hard and that i am what you want but i want to have those same feelings and i dont know what im feeling cuz im confused and stuck in a rut." I so badly want to say how are you stuck in a rut if you are dating another guy and left me after you said im perfect for you last night. I haven't responded and don't want to but i'm struggling deeply right now and for some reason for all her bad doings i can't move forward, FML I came here first. This is the only time i have not responded to one of her texts...going on an hour...does this give her even more power?

 

 

 

You are giving her power... love is not a power struggle.

 

She wants to know that you love her for her... not that you need her, put her on a pedestal and cling to her for support, but that you love her enough to let her be alone. Forget the other dude for goodness sake... not your problem, that's hers. Love is not jealous, love is understanding.

 

Show her that you are just fine on your own, you don't need her to survive.

 

She likely feels serious pressure that she is now your "everything" and you will be lost without her.

 

Go NC for at least a few weeks so you can both get your heads together.

[Mack05]

I recommend you read a book "how to break your addiction to a person". Right now you are down in the dumps, feeling sorry for yourself. You are looking to this girl to make u happy. The problem is because you are so down in yourself; because you are in such a rut; your people 'picker' is way off target. You are being attracted to the wrong type of girls.

 

While you may believe a text from her saying "ok lets go for it" would be the best thing in the world for you, believe me it is the worst. The relationship can never work. It's simply impossible. Because you are so emotionally compromised, because you can't see 'the forrest from the trees' you are placing someone on a pedestal, that doesn't deserve be up there..You are idealising her. Remembering all the good times but the good times were fake. You keep focusing on the things she said, instead of the fact this girl has cheated on you over and over and is almost certainly hiding more stuff from you. One is as messed up as the other. How can a relationship grow and thrive under these circumstances?

 

The longer you obsess about her and avoid dealing with your issues, the longer it will take to detangle from this toxic web. Trust me I have been there. I have been as low as you. I remember my lowest point (and there have been many over the past 18 months). Going to a different country to be with my ex and looking in the mirror one night saying to myself "you look good in this outfit". I came out of her bathroom and said to her "I think I look good in this" (was very insecure and she never showed me real affection or ever complimented me). She looked me up and down condescendingly and then scoffed "It's in your head". I went back into the bathroom afterawhile and said to myself "yes my ex is right, I look like ^%$&".

 

I had zero self esteem. Put up with months of verbal and emotional abuse from her. Tolerated her anger, manipulation, distortions and her all-round whacky behaviour. Was willing to accept love from anyone, no matter how bad or toxic she was for me. It was a battle. Me wanting to leave because my ex was never right for me, only for me to keep coming back because I felt so unlovable and she was outwardly so beautiful. Plus she volunteered, gives great advice to others, was thoughtful with my family and from time to time said she loves me, surely I can accept the fact she can't communicate, had no respect for me, abused the crap out of me etc etc etc. I did what you are doing -> I idealized her. I saw things that weren't there. I was blinded. I made excuses for her horrible behaviour. I would let her convince me that I was the problem. She knew my weaknesses and played me brillantly. She would project and gaslight onto me. When I would pull her up on it from time to time, I was the manipulator and the liar.

 

Thankfully with the love and support from my family and friends I got the kick up the ass I needed and I managed to start changing/turning my life around. It requires looking deep within yourself and using the courage and determination we all have within us. Now I see my ex for the person she is. I have detangled myself from the toxicity and put in a lot of hard work on myself in the past 7 months. I feel I have climbed a huge portion of the mountain and have the strength to finish the rest or any other mountain that may come along. That didn't happen over night.

 

The problem is you are looking up at Mount Everest thinking I can't do this. I can't climb this. You need to focus on one mini climb at a time. One day at a time. Just do something positive everyday. Focus on the relationships you have with family and friends more. Do nice things for other people. Keep up your walking. I used to think of my ex all the time when walking the beach. I just realised I can't remember the last time she came into my head on a beach walk/run (Cool!). Just keep willing yourself forward.

 

Even when you hit a set back (and you will) its about keep moving forward. When you finally detangle yourself, you will understand what we have been saying to you. When you need validation and false 'love' from a toxic person to make you 'happy' you really are in a hell of a mess. I view things soooo much differently now, because I had the support and the inner courage to change things. To face my demons and conquer them. The big question is do you? You either reach inside yourself for the answers or look to another person to 'save' you. That is the definiton of a coward. Who runs and avoids from their problems (living in denial), instead of confronting and dealing with them.

 

Sadly my words (and other posters) are wasted on you right now. Like the crackhead that's looking for a fix, he would give anything for it. Doesn't matter if it is poisoning his system, doesn't matter if he has a million people tell him 'Crack' is bad for him. Logic and common sense for him is gone out the wndow. Ok we don't know what you had...We do. The rules are the same for all of us, no matter how much you want to kid yourself and stay in denial. "Fooling other people is serious business but when you fool yourself it is fatal"...

 

You are going down a bad road...Trust me....

Edited May 26, 2012 by Mack05

[confused2385]

You are giving her power... love is not a power struggle.

 

She wants to know that you love her for her... not that you need her, put her on a pedestal and cling to her for support, but that you love her enough to let her be alone. Forget the other dude for goodness sake... not your problem, that's hers. Love is not jealous, love is understanding.

 

Show her that you are just fine on your own, you don't need her to survive.

 

She likely feels serious pressure that she is now your "everything" and you will be lost without her.

 

Go NC for at least a few weeks so you can both get your heads together.

 

And that's what i am trying so hard to do and want to do, but it's hard to believe considering she just runs to another guy she says she loves and she wants to make it work with him regardless of her feelings for me. Everyhting you are saying I can absolutely see because I have probably done it and i want to be fine without her, but I don't want to give it up because sheis scared.

[confused2385]

I recommend you read a book "how to break your addiction to a person". Right now you are down in the dumps, feeling sorry for yourself. You are looking to this girl to make u happy. The problem is because you are so down in yourself; because you are in such a rut; your people 'picker' is way off target. You are being attracted to the wrong type of girls.

 

While you may believe a text from her saying "ok lets go for it" would be the best thing in the world for you, believe me it is the worst. The relationship can never work. It's simply impossible. Because you are so emotionally compromised, because you can't see 'the forrest from the trees' you are placing someone on a pedestal, that doesn't deserve be up there..You are idealising her. Remembering all the good times but the good times were fake. You keep focusing on the things she said, instead of the fact this girl has cheated on you over and over and is almost certainly hiding more stuff from you. One is as messed up as the other. How can a relationship grow and thrive under these circumstances?

 

The longer you obsess about her and avoid dealing with your issues, the longer it will take to detangle from this toxic web. Trust me I have been there. I have been as low as you. I remember my lowest point (and there have been many over the past 18 months). Going to a different country to be with my ex and looking in the mirror one night saying to myself "you look good in this outfit". I came out of her bathroom and said to her "I think I look good in this" (was very insecure and she never showed me real affection or ever complimented me). She looked me up and down condescendingly and then scoffed "It's in your head". I went back into the bathroom afterawhile and said to myself "yes my ex is right, I look like ^%$&".

 

I had zero self esteem. Put up with months of verbal and emotional abuse from her. Tolerated her anger, manipulation, distortions and her all-round whacky behaviour. Was willing to accept love from anyone, no matter how bad or toxic she was for me. It was a battle. Me wanting to leave because my ex was never right for me, only for me to keep coming back because I felt so unlovable and she was outwardly so beautiful. Plus she volunteered, gives great advice to others, was thoughtful with my family and from time to time said she loves me, surely I can accept the fact she can't communicate, had no respect for me, abused the crap out of me etc etc etc. I did what you are doing -> I idealized her. I saw things that weren't there. I was blinded. I made excuses for her horrible behaviour. I would let her convince me that I was the problem. She knew my weaknesses and played me brillantly. She would project and gaslight onto me. When I would pull her up on it from time to time, I was the manipulator and the liar.

 

Thankfully with the love and support from my family and friends I got the kick up the ass I needed and I managed to start changing/turning my life around. It requires looking deep within yourself and using the courage and determination we all have within us. Now I see my ex for the person she is. I have detangled myself from the toxicity and put in a lot of hard work on myself in the past 7 months. I feel I have climbed a huge portion of the mountain and have the strength to finish the rest or any other mountain that may come along. That didn't happen over night.

 

The problem is you are looking up at Mount Everest thinking I can't do this. I can't climb this. You need to focus on one mini climb at a time. One day at a time. Just do something positive everyday. Focus on the relationships you have with family and friends more. Do nice things for other people. Keep up your walking. I used to think of my ex all the time when walking the beach. I just realised I can't remember the last time she came into my head on a beach walk/run (Cool!). Just keep willing yourself forward.

 

Even when you hit a set back (and you will) its about keep moving forward. When you finally detangle yourself, you will understand what we have been saying to you. When you need validation and false 'love' from a toxic person to make you 'happy' you really are in a hell of a mess. I view things soooo much differently now, because I had the support and the inner courage to change things. To face my demons and conquer them. The big question is do you? You either reach inside yourself for the answers or look to another person to 'save' you. That is the definiton of a coward. Who runs and avoids from their problems (living in denial), instead of confronting and dealing with them.

 

Sadly my words (and other posters) are wasted on you right now. Like the crackhead that's looking for a fix, he would give anything for it. Doesn't matter if it is poisoning his system, doesn't matter if he has a million people tell him 'Crack' is bad for him. Logic and common sense for him is gone out the wndow. Ok we don't know what you had...We do. The rules are the same for all of us, no matter how much you want to kid yourself and stay in denial. "Fooling other people is serious business but when you fool yourself it is fatal"...

 

You are going down a bad road...Trust me....

 

I will look for that book. You are right I need to look at it as one day at a time. I wish last Monday when she texted to check about my appointment that i just ignored it. I did relapse last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and just sent a text responding to hers and of course no response from her. I need to get back to the place where i was when we first met and the next 7 months because i was able to get calls or text from her and not care or respond with nothing or one word conversation killers and that drove her crazy.

 

They are not wasted and I appreciate them more than you understand. When it gets real bad I bounce around on here and it makes me feel a little better. I just hate the control the thoughts have over me right now and I think of the wedding I have tomorrow that she was going to go with me and her cousins engagement party that she will instead be at with him and i'm sure happy and smiling because she has someone to distract her, but she is also not addressing her feelings and just kind of hiding them and blinding them.

 

Bottom line I need to man up and just do no contact again. I have never met someone who can make me so weak. It's ten times worse knowing that she left me for another guy who does the same **** she does and he's completley blinded to her game. i see it all and accept it, but for some reason i can't make an action on it. It's like i'm a recluse and I almost want to toture myself. Why do I look at her instagram, twitter, pinterest? I know if i see something it's going to kill me that she can and has already moved on. I know tomorrow she'll post a picture from her party and maybe even with him and i'm going to allow it to ruin my mood and probably make me not even want to stay at the wedding. I just don't want to do anything right now and get rid of my phone and try to find myself. Just wonder if she misses me, if she even thinks about me or all of this because all i see is her crying and i hate that.

 

I know it's only going to get worse and i'm looking for the turn to get off this bad road, but I can't see it right now and don't think i'll be able too until i get my motivation back because sadly i am not fun to be around right now...I dont even want to be around myself.

 

Cheers to NC day 1. can't wait to post tomorrow cheers to NC day 2

[Kaceface]

You are giving her way too much credit. She is evil and manipulative. She didnt come back because she loves you (she never would have left) she came back hecause things with her REAL bf wasnt working out and she didnt want to be alone. From what I've read mack05 is spot on. Grow a spine and MOVE ON. You need a few weeks away from it all and have fun with friends, get out of the house. Keep busy.

 

The hardest thing to do is other things when all you can think about (literally ALL you can think about) is that one person. It is the death of you and yes, you want to die. I was there a couple months ago with my bf. and with someone else before that. BUT IT DOES GET BETTER!!!! I look back now and I KNEW back then what to do, but actually doing it (moving on from someone I knew was absolutely terrible for me in every regards) was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while

 

. I called my gf and she was planning a trip to Vegas and so I went. It was 2 weeks away which gave me something to look forewarn to and the week with her friends and the beach after took my mind off things. I got a new phone and started talking to someone else, I KNEW I could do it! I was at an all time low and things were looking up. Then he (I had 2 phones and one was till activated til end of month so he got ahold of me) called crying hysterically that one of his best friends, such a good funny guy, beautiful person... He committed suicide off the Coronado bridge in San Diego. So I wanted to be there for my bf but I didn't want to risk MY recovery from him either. Ultimately inlet him back in.

 

As of now, we're off and on but I'm detatched because I have to be. So much ****, not cheating, (I actually wouldn't doubt it) but lying a whooooole list of other things.

 

I apologize for making this about me. Time heals. Before I met this guy, I was DEVISTATED of a previous breakup. And now I was DEVISTATED over him. There will be more people out there, who will treat you how you DESERVE. You say she does this "because someone did it to her" or something to that effect. Why did you deserve this? YOU DON'T. She needs help. She's a disgrace to the female gender. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love will never leave you for another guy, ever. Good luck.

XO- kaci

[confused2385]

She's literally all I think of. I can't get rid of this obsession.