MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Ok, I have been reading this board for a little while and I thought I'd share my experience and what I'm going through now. I hope to get some advice as I have been reading the forums but not many in my situation. Ok this is long so bare with me, I'm also dyslexic so I hope I can write it all out ok for you all to understand. Forgive me for errors. I'll try to get the main points across. I was with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years,he's 22. I'm 27. We met when he was 18 and I was 23. we broke up within the first year and got back together a little after a month. We then broke up last year in May, he said his family hate me ( there are reasons I dont want to get into) and that he didn't feel the same, devastated I tried to move on and 2 weeks later he was back in my life somehow and we tried again until July last year. This time we didn't tell other families and such we were back together in July, because my family were pretty annoyed he keeps breaking my heart and his family just hadn't got ovet us breaking up the first time around and tell him constantly I'm not good enough. Then, he just decided he didnt know what he wanted and just wanted to be friends ,He actually sat me down and told me point blank to my face he didnt love me. so again we break up, I pick up the peices and try to avoid him at all costs, I'm completely heart broken but try to carry on. I start feeling.. not normal but a litte ok and I see him when I'm out (this is now September last year) and he starts to cry and get upset ? ( he saw other guys talking to me) so I go over to him and he says, he was with someone else for a few weeks in August slept with them a few times but broke it off with them because he only thought about me and still loved me... confusing, since he said he didn't and I'd kept that mentality in my head. So fast forward a few weeks to the end of September/ begining of October and we're kinda seeing eachother again, but hes hot and cold... like completely confusing me, I ask him and he just says he doesn't know how it will ever work with his family hating me so much, we could never have a normal relationship and things will never be like they were. I get upset, but we still kinda continue to spend time together right up until December, My birthday is in December so we all arranged to go out then and he started to be hot and cold, came out for my birthday but remained distant the times seeing him were starting to be far and few between. I caught him texting another girl that night at 1am and I said thats a little weird for girls to be texting at that kinda time, he said they were friends and to chill out. So I did he continued to be distant, never bothered with me over xmas and on new years eve sent a text saying 'Happy new year Buddy hope you have a good one' I was absolutely pissed off and kinda ended up saying well at least I know where I stand now. He continues to ignore me. Forward to 4th Jan this year and he breaks up with me again. I'm losing count of the break ups at this point. I find out he was hanging out with the girl from the texts and pictures of them play fighting are on facebook. I got really upset so I came to this board read about the no contact and decided thats the way to go. I deactivated my facebook, changed my phone number, blocked all his emails as in the past hes sent emails saying he cant stop thinking about me in the first time around break ups, so to prevent this I block everything. I was just getting into the 4th week, no contact actually feeling good and things. Didnt hear diddly squat from him. I wasn't too bothered at that point I kinda just got on with things. He then turns up at my door at the end of January crying his eyes out with a hand written letter, he was in a bad way so I let him in, we talk. He says he wants a relationship with me but doesn't know how as his family cant stand me and make his life hell ( he does live with his mum and 2 little brothers). We talk it out and I say I can't keep getting my heart broken its rediculous. He says he just loves me, wants to be with me and we should take it slow. ( His letter said, He was sorry and the reason he left me was because he wanted me to have an amazing life, that I should be with someone who could whisk me away on romantic holidays and get me things ( I have never once asked for anything materialistic as I have always told him I just want love and to be shown love, thats it) he said he felt immature and not responsible. He said he was too worried what his family thought. He said because of me being older maybe I was thinking about getting married or wanting to start a family and he said he cant take care of himself nevermind starting a family. ( I didnt hint at any of this I think he made himself paranoid with the age gap and I dont want this yet still) he said that he didnt want to ever lose me from his life,that he loved me very much and even if it was just friends the smallest chance he could have me back in his life he was taking it. He then went on in the letter to invite me and my friend to come to a festival with him in June to meet up and hang out) he ended the letter syaing he awaits my response. So we dicuss things and again we try, I have always given him space and things anyway to do what he wants and I have my own life too so we only saw eachother about once a week. In March he starts becoming distant again, stops texting or even answering me, just generally it seemed like purposly ignoring me to make me annoyed. I said look I dont ask for alot of attention, I dont ask for you to call or be here even once a week, all I ask is for a text back every now and then, it shouldnt be a mission to want to catch up with someone you care about. He apologises. makes a tiny effort then gets sarcastic sending one word texts to me. I kinda end up saying I dont deserve it I've done nothing wrong, he says I know Im sorry there is no call for it, said he was having money troubles that month cause his car needed fixing and to leave him alone until he got paid 2 weeks later. So I leave it for 2 weeks dont text, bug him, nothing. I just gave him space and trying to understand. After the 2 weeks I text saying I hope he got his car fixed and was ok, he ignored me. Ignored me until the next day, continued to ignore me until I get irritated and say at least tell me where I stand if you are not gonna talk, I deserve that at least. He then said things are not working and that he was leaving me again.. that was April 30th. He eamiled after saying he was sorry, that I will find someone who deserves me and he isnt going to mess me around anymore. So I have gone back to the no contact, changed my number yet again. I just feel drained. I don't know why he continues to keep changing his mind, though this time he seems its set in stone, but I say that everytime and every time its him who keeps coming back. I just have no idea anymore...
Author MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Any views would be really appreciated, even if you want to get on your knees, shake me and scream WHYYYYY! lol. I don't know if it makes a major difference but I was his first proper girlfriends and he was my first long term relationship too, though I did date before we met. The longest we've gone out of the whole relationship with no contact is the 4 weeks in January this year I cut him off completely. Which only led to the showing up at my door.
Philosoraptor Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 This is sad to say but this reads as if you were more comfort than anything else. He seems quite a bit insecure and even more immature. Comfort is had to let go of. It's why so many people stay in unhappy relationships as the thought of being alone is even more uncomfortable than staying somewhere that you're not fulfilled and happy. The question I must ask is did he and the relationship fulfill you? It certainly seems like a lot of issues and a lot of work to be in this relationship.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 It did in the begining, it all went down hill after his family started to hate me I will say why, my father passed away from cancer and I didnt deal with it very well and took an overdose, ever since his family think I'm a quack. His mother especially hates me with a passion. It didn't so much make me happy in the last few months because I just felt ignored, not cared for and couldn't for hte life of me understand what I was doing wrong.
Philosoraptor Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Marry the person you marry the family. Is that a dynamic you'd want to have to deal with for the rest of your life? Seems stressful at the very least. Add in the hot and cold and you've got a recipe for misery.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 I didn't really think of it like that and I don't knwo if I could deal with a life time of people hating me. I did what I did yes, but years have passed, I got therapy and I'm ok now. But they don't seem to move on and forget, it seems I've got a never ending grudge against me. I guess thats why I have cut all ties again, one its easier and two he surely wouldn't turn up at my door a second time and realise we've done this to death a bit now. I think its just getting through this hardest part now of getting over it as I've never been left alone long enough before to get to that point and continue to be hurting constantly. I have become stronger though if thats a good thing to come from it.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Then on the other hand I am still in love with him and wish it could be different. I wish I could switch off the feelings, it really does suck going through this. I'd like to say that if he came to my door again I wouldnt cave, but I probably would and thats the honest truth. Thats why I cut everything off and change my number because it eliminates having to face him in a way.
Philosoraptor Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 In the end all we can do is be loyal to ourselves and do what is necessary to treat ourself right. It seems that you're doing what is necessary to help yourself heal. Continue to work on yourself and treat yourself well, the pain will begin to go away.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 In the end all we can do is be loyal to ourselves and do what is necessary to treat ourself right. It seems that you're doing what is necessary to help yourself heal. Continue to work on yourself and treat yourself well, the pain will begin to go away. I hope so, just finding it so hard and just hoping he doesn't come to my place again because I'm not strong enough to turn him away
Philosoraptor Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 I hope so, just finding it so hard and just hoping he doesn't come to my place again because I'm not strong enough to turn him away You need to take a step back and look at how things are and stop letting yourself over romanticize things. Letting him back is a choice and you are strong enough to control your own actions. If you aren't the issue is deeper than just this man as we must always be in control of ourselves.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted May 7, 2012 Author Posted May 7, 2012 Very true, thank you. I guess the truth is a hard pill to swallow
Philosoraptor Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Very true, thank you. I guess the truth is a hard pill to swallow Always is. I've had to go through it as well and it does get easier if you learn to put up boundaries.
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