3+ year relationship ended, hard time letting go

[polish26]

Hi, I am definitely new to the site, and wanted to get some impartial advice from people that don't know me, and may have possibly been in a similar situation.

 

A couple of months ago I came home to my now ex-gf and thought that everything was fine. A friend of mine had stopped by before leaving on a business trip to get a screen protector for his phone and things couldn't have been more awkward in my house... Shortly after he left I went to do the usual thing of giving my gf a kiss and a hug, and before that could happen she told me that she didn't think we were going to work out any more.

 

To give the full back story may take a while but bare with me here.

 

Originally, we met through friends and she was also one of my friends neighbors for a short period of time. We always saw each other during social events but there was barely any communication, and so we were acquaintances for the first couple of years we knew each other. Eventually, I worked up the courage and I asked her out on a date. As always, I had terrible timing and so our first date was a couple of days before she went back home for a month to see family, and was trying to decide on whether or not she is going to stay in our state. We pretty much talked every day and night while she was out of town. One night we were talking and she made a joke about me coming out for a party with her out there, I was single and didn't really care about cost so I made the trip out. We had a great weekend and she then told me that she had decided to stay in our state because she really liked me and that she wants to see where our relationship goes. A short time after that we moved in together, which felt a little rushed, but we were happy so it didn't really matter. About a month after we moved in together we were fooling around and about to do what adults do when I realized I was in a lot of pain during foreplay and notice that I had a wound/sore on my private parts. I started freaking out, and we obviously didn't want to finish what we started that night because I needed to find out what was going on down there. The following day I went into the doctor's office and after telling them how I felt they said it could either be genital herpes which will never go away, or another disease that could be easily remedied. Unfortunately, I drew the short stick and my tests came back showing that I had acquired herpes and that it was a recent infection since it hadn't shown up in my blood exams, but showed positive on the culture exam. I have never been unfaithful and have always tried to protect myself but I was completely shocked that I had this disease.

 

I know I may seem a little naive, but she said she didn't have it but also wasn't trying to rush to get her own blood work pulled so she could get tested. Also, her mother was in town at the time so they both found out at the same time as me that I now had the herpes virus, however, her mother was not shocked by this at all and said "well, at least it isn't AIDS" and they both went on with their day like nothing had happened. I was devastated and didn't know what to do. Time passed by slowly for me in slow motion. Then, a few months later, my ex woke up and developed a cold sore on her lips... I asked her if she had one before and she said "yes, I've been cold sores since I was 14", I felt like she had betrayed me then because she never gave me any warning that she did in fact have the virus, however, she had a different strain and never showed symptoms of having the strain that I now have.

 

Things continued to move forward in this sort of fashion for a while, and my family wasn't happy about what had happened to me so things were always tense around my family because I had to always stand up for her, because even though all this happened I thought she would be the only girl I could ever be with again since I obviously couldn't have any affect on her with this disease.

 

Fast forwarding to the more recent present... Last October I was informed that her parents would be coming to town for about two months so we could all spend Xmas, New Years, and her birthday... for me that wasn't something I wanted because apparently they were going to stay with us in my house which can really only handle having two maybe 3 people comfortably and not at the same time... Well, they came and were supposed to travel the entire time that they were here so we would still have the house to ourselves somewhat, but that honestly wasn't the case, her parents came, they stayed, and they never really left... they just watched tv all day, everyday until March 1st. Needless to say, this was unbelievably frustrating to come home to after work. Also, my gf at the time was unemployed because her for place of work laid off people that they no longer needed, and the lack of effort I witnessed in her seeking a job was just adding to my frustration, so I got her a job at my place of work.... a really bad decision in the end, but I had no idea what was to come. So, when I came home on March 1st, yes the same day her parents left, she broke up with me and went and stayed the weekend at her friends house and rode dirt bikes.

 

I tried to let the break up be civil, and continue on with my life as much as I possibly could because it still did hurt in a big way, and I wasn't expecting it at all. However, within a few minutes of the break up she was already on the phone with mutual friends of ours saying that she was happy that we are no longer together, and things of that nature. Having to hear all of these things made the break up worse, and worse, we barely speak and I know I have lost someone that I thought was also a friend on top of being someone I cared about. Also, within a day of breaking up with me, I had to start witnessing her being extremely friendly with this guy at my work (who likes to make himself stand out, gets younger girls pregnant and doesn't want to be responsible with his actions, and tells me about his great time he is having with my ex). I brought it up to both of them saying I don't want to see this at work, and regardless they did it anyway. I followed all the steps I could to ensure I didn't have to put up with this, short of leaving my job, but it still happens. I have since spoken with my ex once, since she insists on hanging out at my neighbors house almost every other week, and I have told her that her actions do not let me get on with my day. She claims she isn't doing this on purpose, and that she wants me to be happy, although she thinks I am weak and not dealing with the situation properly. She has also been showing our mutual friends picture messages that she and this guy at my work trade back and forth. I feel that out of the two of us, she is purposely throwing this crap in my face, and I am just trying to live my life. I don't try to bother her, and I definitely don't try to see other women and then tell our friends about since I know she will eventually hear about it. I'm honestly having a hard time dealing with this, and have even started seeing a therapist so I can just work on myself and healing at this point.

 

I could really use someone's advice on this, as I am tired of having her on my mind for portions of my day. My friends are doing the best they can, but they are trying to remain friends with the both of us... There is a lot more that I could write but I don't know who could read much more of this.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Any responses would be greatly appreciated!

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What's up man. Thanks for the feedback on my thread earlier. I can give you my opinion on what I think would be best. It's hard to fully heal since you two work together, idk what kind of job it is, but if it's one you could risk leaving then maybe it wouldn't hurt to find a new one. I'm pretty sure seeing her is slowing down your healing process. Also what I did was ask our mutual friends to not inform me with what my ex was doing or if she ever gets into another relationship. I blocked her on every social network site so that I couldn't be reminded of her. You basically just need to cut as many ties as you have possible. The less you see the more you forget. Even with full no contact I still have those days that sting, but I believe it will allow me to heal quicker in the long run. Goodluck bro, we're in this together.

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Just re read that you are leaving your job. I think that'll be a big start for your healing. Good choice.

[djmm]

i was in a relationship with a women for 10 years who i worked with. we still work together. we are cordial and professional but i try to avoid seeing/talking to her. It has been almost a year since the breakup. Im not over it yet, some days are good, some aren't.

She is looking for a new job and i hope she gets one. It'll be easier to deal with this situation with her not a few offices down from me.

[Savage4]

Wow sounds like a very hard situation. I know how devastating and depressing it can be to find out you have an STD. I was one of the 'lucky' ones when I found out what I had contracted would be with me for only a few years. I went through four months of hell fighting it day in and day out until I finally got rid of it - to the doctors surprise. Still have scars down there if you look closely

It must have made things much harder hearing that your ex got friendly with this guy at work. Especially since he is being a total a-hole and rubbing it in your face. Just wait until he realizes that your ex comes bearing 'gifts'. Think he'll brag about that too? I guess that's what he gets for being irresponsible and getting around.

 

I don't know if your ex realizes what she is doing but sleeping with people without ever informing them that she knowingly has herpes is extremely self-centered, despicable, and a crime.

 

Since it can often be hard for us to see our own situations clearly here is my opinion (and I see a bunch of red flags):

Your ex seems very untrustworthy. She deceived you about having herpes as well as her parents acting like it is no big deal.

Her parents stayed with you both for the Holidays and didn't do anything but watch TV all day. They sound pretty lazy to me which clearly rubbed off on their daughter by her lack of motivation to find a job. Hopefully they contributed something while they were there.

She broke up with you the day her parents left, so surely they had some input on the situation. Do you really want to be with a woman whose family doesn't appreciate you?

She claims you are weak and dealing with situation poorly? Are you kidding me!? You sound like you are doing all the right things and she is trying to sabotage you. And who the **** is she to tell you that anyway when she can't possibly understand how you are feeling inside.

She is dealing with the break up very immaturely demonstrated by her interactions with fellow employees at your work and throwing crap in your face.

Sounds to me like she is truly unhappy but is desperate to show you, and others that she is. It's all a facade.

 

It's going to be very hard to get over her since you continue seeing her on a regular basis. If at all possible I would look into moving work locations or divisions, especially if she isn't going anywhere any time soon.

 

You are doing the best you can right now, so stay strong, continue to talk with your therapist and continue moving on with your life.

Edited May 7, 2012 by Savage4

[Melbufama]

For anyone to survive a relationship it is important to have your own life, having your own life means you,your family and of course your friends. Always keep this strong in order to stay mentally healthy.

 

Before doing the NC thing, you should really just say what you have to say to her. Also tell your friends not to give you updates on her life, and if you can't help but ask and be curious, I suggest you talk to them less or avoid them.

 

I am in a similar situation with a woman, constantly talking bad about me. Unfortunately non of my friends have a backbone to tell her quit lying. They know shes lair and that shes a ****ty person, they keep it casual with her.

[polish26]

Thank you all for your input on my situation, I did happen to already have the opportunity to get everything, that I possibly could, off of my chest with my ex. I have explained to her that what she has been doing at my place of work is hurtful to me, and that her insults that she likes to hand out just show me her true character. I am currently at the point of NC with my ex, which will be difficult because we have all the same friends, which not so oddly enough are all my guy friends, and most are trying to play the neutral part at this point which given all the information that is known about my ex in my group is a little odd to me and is at sometimes confusing. I know she has been trying to play it off to our friends that she isn't doing anything to try and throw our breakup in our face, or talk about this new guy of hers.... I don't know, I tend to over analyze these things, but it has been driving me crazy at work having to put up with their crap.

 

My family is always there for me, and they don't like her in the least, they were actually happy that we are no longer in a relationship and I just wish I had listened to them sooner as it seems they saw this coming from a mile away.

 

As for her, and her facade, I know she is trying to hide whatever emotions she has/had, and I guess if that's her way of dealing so be it, but I just don't agree with immediately going out and finding another person knowing that I will have to see it day after day. I mean the guy sits directly in front of me...

 

The main thing I know I am having an issue with is the fact that she refuses to believe that she has this STD which she gave me and even went on to accuse me of being unfaithful, which stung even more because I have never been unfaithful in any relationship that I have ever been in.

 

I guess I know that I need to keep myself busy, and try not to think about her, but it has been d*mn hard because my house is just a constant memory for me. Also, I know that I want to move on but feel dirty because of what I now have, and will have to disclose to a future partner which just sucks in my opinion.

 

I have been reading the forum a lot since I found it, and it has helped me get through my days a bit easier than before especially because it keeps me from trying to "piece the puzzle together".

 

If you all know of anything else that I should read, please let me know as I would like to keep my mind as busy as possible until I can just view my ex as another person.

[polish26]

Can someone please give me some additional insight? I could really use the help in this situation... I have to literally sit behind the guy my ex is now seeing, and I am struggling to find a new job... Please any information would help!

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Only thing I can think of would be to ask your boss if you could be placed in another area, and explain to them your situation. I think most people are pretty understanding of these types of situations. Hopefully something could be arranged. Chin up bro.