Should we break up, take a break, or try to work it out?

[reedling]

Hi everyone...I'm sorry if this is really long, but I'm just really lost, feeling so much heartbreak and emotional pain, and feel like I really, really, really need some advice.

 

So, my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over two years, and as far as relationships go, it's been pretty healthy. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but we have always been honest, open, loving and compassionate with each other. We're both pretty independent people and have full, busy lives outside of our relationship. We communicate REALLY well and have almost never yelled at each other. When we have conflict, we talk through it calmly and lovingly. Like I said, I think it's a pretty healthy relationship.

 

However, this past fall, things got really bad. She started dealing with some major mental health issues (an extreme anxiety disorder), and all of a sudden she basically withdrew from our relationship. Suddenly she was not present, not affectionate, wasn't interested in sex, and didn't seem to be very invested in our relationship in general. She was honest with me and told me that she felt like she was barely keeping her own head above water, and couldn't deal with the added stress of being a good partner or taking care of my feelings (and she felt really guilty about all of this). I understood that she was going through a lot, and rationally could see that it had nothing to do with me, but it was still extremely painful. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I felt so hurt and rejected. It didn't help that I had just become unemployed and was especially in need of support (which she couldn't give me). We talked a lot, and though we often discussed the possibility of breaking up, we decided to stick it out.

 

Since then, things have gotten a lot better. She got on medication for her anxiety and started seeing a therapist, and I started working full-time again. But I feel totally, TOTALLY destroyed by what happened between us. It's like, what happened in the fall created a permanent imbalance of power between us. My self esteem and sense of safety in our relationship have been absolutely shattered. I constantly feel insecure, inadequate, pathetic, and inferior to her. I feel like she could leave me at any minute. I feel absolutely terrible about myself, and even though I try REALLY hard to mask those feelings, I think it shows (I'm not good at hiding my feelings).

 

She's been a really, really good partner lately - sweet, affectionate, and present - but it hasn't helped at all. I feel totally freaked out, anxious, and paranoid all the time. I'm really sensitive and insecure and am constantly finding reasons to feel hurt and upset - even when she's done nothing wrong! And it's destroying our relationship.

 

So, this weekend I got really sensitive and upset about another stupid, insignificant thing, as usual, and picked a fight with her about it. That led us to talk really honestly and openly, and we basically agreed that even though we love each other so much, it just isn't working and we "can't be together." Then we went home, she sobbed in my arms for a LONG time (which she never does, because she's the opposite of me - I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and she's painfully good at repressing hers), and we went to sleep. In the morning, we spent the day together and basically acted like nothing had happened.

 

I don't know what to do. I love this woman so much, and unlike so many relationships that have hit a breaking point, it seems like we do have a pretty healthy, loving relationship. Nothing has gone terribly wrong between us - there have been no betrayals, no dishonesty, no major trespasses. It feels crazy to break up when things are largely so good - how is it possible that two people who love each other so much, and are so good at talking through things, can't fix this?

 

At the same time, it's clearly not working. The shock of almost losing her this fall, when she was struggling with anxiety, has left me with devastating, debilitating amounts of insecurity. I just feel SO bad about myself all the time, and I don't know how to make it go away. And me feeling bad about myself is absolutely destroying our relationship...to the point that we can't go a week without me finding something to feel hurt about, and making a big stink about it.

 

I don't know what to do. I hear that breaks don't work, but is this the kind of situation where a break would help? A month, maybe? For me to work on myself? Or maybe there is some way for us to work through this together? Or maybe we really just need to bite the bullet and go our separate ways, because our relationship is too damaged...

 

I love her so much, and the thought of losing her is absolutely devastating to me. My heart feels like it's ripping apart. We're supposed to meet up and talk tomorrow and I'm terrified. Please...any advice you have would be so appreciated.

[headsashed]

Im not the best at giving advice as im still struggling with my own RS but from what ive read it seems like your RS is strong and you 2 communicate very well,it also seems to me and you admit yourself that your the 1 with the issues. Maybe when you 2 meet you should tell her that you have issues and need to work on them because you want this RS to work? If she loves you enough which to me it sounds like she does then im sure she will respect you and either help you through it or give you a little bit of space so you can work on yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

You're making way too much of this.

 

From my own perspective, and I don't mean to be hurtful, but you have to bring your ego down a notch.

 

When she began to suffer from her extreme anxiety disorder, you clearly felt neglected, pushed aside and unnoticed, but you had an inflated sense of entitlement.

 

She knew she had a problem.

She knew she was neglecting the relationship.

She was very careful to let you know, she was careful to admit to it, and she knew that she was at fault - but she couldn't change that because of her disorder.

 

she needed help, and she was getting it.

she was totally apologetic, up-front and honest with you.

 

And you made it all about you.

 

There was no 'pulling the rug from under your feet' because that only happens when we're surprised by something unexpected.

You hadn't been deliberately hurt and neglected.

But you took it personally anyway.

 

I'm jobless too, right now, and I know what it's like to feel at a loss, because of being unemployed. I'm also of an age where I'm unlikely to find an employer willing to take me on, as I'm 55.

But now, you have a job, your GF has been under therapy for a while - yet you still can't move on?

 

What is it you want, exactly?

And what's all this bull about an "imbalance of power"?

There should never be talk of any kind of 'power' in a relationship.

 

In a nutshell, she is in therapy and is taking medication.

I suggest you seek the same, because the jolt to your stability has affected you far more deeply than you realise.

you need counselling and putting back onto a straight even keel.

 

But you have to understand that a lot of this may well be self-inflicted.

And counselling may well help you put things into perspective, and gain an insight into a healthy relationship.

Where partners are equal, one partner is not more entitled than the other, and there is no power struggle.

Edited April 16, 2012 by TaraMaiden