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I didn't see it coming

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 15th April 2012, 3:32 PM   #1
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Unhappy I didn't see it coming

Hello, I'm new here.

My first and only boyfriend (we are both 22) just left me last Friday night after a loving, happy 1.5-year relationship. There weren't any warning signs, not on his part, anyway. We went to a nice Passover dinner with his family, who I get along with great, went to his bedroom, had a long, dramatic discussion, and broke up.

We had a picture-perfect relationship. People kept asking us when we were going to get married, saying we were "such a cute couple," etc. My roommate was floored when I broke the news to her.

Things only started to get weird two weeks ago. Background: It's a big deal to him that I am the most important thing in the world to him. He wants to drop whatever he's doing when I need him. Anyway, he mentioned two weeks ago that if the best grad school that accepts him is out of state, he's going with or without me. I understand, but I do point out that technically that means I am not the most important thing to him. It's really not that big a deal to me, but it devastates him. We cry and get very dramatic about how "maybe our love isn't really forever" and stuff like that. But then he says he's changed his mind, I'm most important, and even if I lost faith in him a little bit he'd keep pushing for the both of us until I believed again.

But something changed in me. When we were apart I would start to think about the future, and when I pictured my life 20 years from now I no longer could see him in it. I felt a little bit less happy when I saw him, the sex was not as mindblowing as it always was (though that could've been because he had the sniffles at the time). But we were still happy, all in all.

I couldn't lie to him, so I told him about my feelings on the drive to Passover dinner at his parents' place. He said that's okay, I'll hold on for us and try to fix how you feel.

After Passover dinner, we went to his bedroom and had another discussion about these feelings I was having. And then he said he was starting to feel the same way too, right then and there. Our talk started getting more ominous, and then this final exchange:

HIM: How can we fix this?
ME: Maybe we just accept it. I'm not the most important person in your life, you are. You're not the most important person in my life, I am. And that's okay.
HIM: I can't accept that.
ME: Does that mean you're breaking up with me?
HIM: I think so.

Even though my feelings were changing, I didn't want it to be over. I lost it, I begged him "Please don't leave me, I'll try harder, it's my turn to believe for the both of us," and he said he didn't feel anything anymore. It was dead.

He took a shower, and I took some time to convince myself that this was a good thing. I can finally do things I never had time for when I was with him, see a counselor about issues I've had with my abusive family, start making friends in this new town.

We held hands on the drive home, and did a postmortem of the relationship. He said that if only I had said those things sooner, this relationship would have worked out (I think it isn't fair to judge me on TIMING, but whatever), and because I took too long he was sure he made the right decision. Nonetheless, we were confident we could one day be friends again.

We smiled sadly at each other. He said, "Maybe we can help each other through this." I now realize I am NOT going to let that happen, because I have to stick to NC, but at the time I nodded. He told me he still loved me. Last hug, last kiss, he walks out, I close the door.

The first thing I did was clear my room of anything from him or with him in it. Deleted him and his pictures from my phone. Started reading self-help articles on the internet. Three hours in, I caved and called him.

ME: This is hard.
HIM: Yeah.
ME: Is there any chance at all that we could get back together?
HIM: There's a chance. Not a huge one, though.
ME: If I needed you to come over and spend the night on Sunday, just to help me cope with the loneliness, would you come?
HIM: Yes.

I've heard enough advice from people that I've decided I'm not going to have breakup sex with him, but it's so hard not to call about anything! I want to know how he's doing, does he miss me yet, does he feel like I do. I want to tell him that I think he was just overcome by emotion at the time, but if he really takes time to realize that he's been idealizing our relationship too much, and decides he's willing to work towards something real, we could actually make it work. I want to tell him that if we're not getting back together, we can't ever be friends because most of our relationship was about love and sex.

But I know I shouldn't call. I just wish I could forget about him right now. I hate that I keep thinking about this all the time. And I hate that he hasn't called, even if I'm not going to answer if he does.
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Old 16th April 2012, 1:09 AM   #2
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I realize my post is long, but...somebody please give me some words of encouragement? Let me know it gets better?

Was this a stupid reason to break up over -- the POSSIBILITY he might go to grad school out of state, even though he's not going for another year?
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Old 16th April 2012, 1:31 AM   #3
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I am not a really experienced person when it comes to realtionships. But you have to keep NC. If you really want to forget about him then that means you no longer love him that way. We guys do want to think about our future and career you put words in his motuh that u are not the most important person in his life. He didn't breakup with you you said things and he just replied. Worry about his feelings too. When u said does that mean we are breaking up? He probably thought u want to and said yes before u could hurt him. Just give him some time and maintain NC. And Make sure what you really want in life. I used to be a manwhore until I met this girl fell in love- we were together for 7 months- my longest relationship. She dimped saying she loves her self more. So please make sure what you want before you hurt him.
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Old 16th April 2012, 1:38 AM   #4
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Thank you for the insight, macardent. I know I hurt him, I definitely understand I had some blame in this. But at the bottom of it, he was the one who broke up with me. I didn't want to leave. I was stupid, and kept saying things that pushed us towards a breakup, but he ended it. When I begged him not to, he repeated that it was really over.

I know he's had depression in the past and he's still coping, so I'll give him time. Hopefully he will heal and think about our relationship and want to try again.

It's just difficult. I can't believe it's really over -- I thought usually relationships go downhill first and your friends say "I told you so" because they could see it coming. That didn't happen with us.
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Old 16th April 2012, 10:27 AM   #5
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I agree that you need to take your focus off of him and take care of yourself. When posed with big decisions we are forced to take a step outside our emotions and take a look at things. It's not uncommon for something like this to make you realize that things just aren't exactly how you want them. What causes long breakups is that fact that most people want to avoid the pain and are not upfront with their recent thoughts.
"When all choices seem wrong, choose restraint."
"If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are a different game you should play."
"If in anger you answer, then in shame you dwell." - Master Yoda
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Old 16th April 2012, 2:50 PM   #6
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I hope you have started your NC and focus on self healing first. I hope you don't blame everything on yourself
A healthy relationship makes you a better and wiser person. A toxic relationship makes you crazy and toxic and drives away all the goodness in you.
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Old 21st April 2012, 7:41 AM   #7
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Thanks for the words of support. This breakup was ultimately for the best; it took me a chance to step back and realize that what wasn't working between us really wasn't working:

1. I had a bit of GIGS going on in my head.
2. He never got mad at me, even when he should have, and I let that get to my head.
3. He's a totally broke college student living with his parents, and I was ready to move in with him, and not really sure I could wait a couple of years for him to become financially stable.
4. I was so consumed by the relationship that I never really made any friends here. That's not the way to go, so now I have to take the time to build my support system.
5. I come from a dysfunctional family, and when I was with him I "never had the time" to go see a counselor.

I really do have to move on. If we decide we still love each other and want to try again, we'll start fresh and be better people going in; if not, then I'll be truly ready for the next love, because I wasn't quite ready when I was with the ex. It's just that, the hard part about time is that it takes time.

I started NC after that last phone call I described above. It's now Day 8. Some days are good days, some days are bad days. I've had a couple of days where I visited a gym and went for a brisk walk and felt AMAZING and hopeful. Hell, he even butt-texted me one night and all I said to myself was, "Oh, well!" I was so proud of myself! Then there were days when I thought about how I didn't appreciate him enough, that I was kind of pulling away already before he broke it off, and how much I regretted both of those things. Yesterday, I felt the anger full-force: I was upset that he made these big declarations he couldn't follow through on, that he abandoned me the one time I needed him the most, that he saw me and everything we had and thought it was best to simply dispose of it. I'm angry about that.

It's hard when a relationship didn't end because of a lack of love, and when he didn't even contemplate it before he did it -- it was entirely out of impulse. I believe that if we really worked on what was wrong with us, and started fresh, we could have a better, more mature, more lasting love. And as much as I hate to admit it, I still hold out hope for that.

But then he sent me this BS email last night saying, "I'm here if you want me to help you through this" and "I still have your gloves, I'll mail them to you in the future" and now it hits me like a frying pan to the face that he really, truly believes it's over. NOW I'M UPSET ALL OVER AGAIN.

I set up a mail filter to route all future emails from him to a hidden folder. I blocked his number, and downloaded a Drunk Dialer app to prevent me from calling him at all.

I know the best recourse is to not respond and maintain NC. It is a struggle. I'll probably post my unsent reply here, just to let out my feelings somewhere.
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Old 21st April 2012, 7:49 AM   #8
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For what you are going through, you really are doing so well. I think I am still in shock and denial after 3 weeks.
I am in a little bit of a similar situation and it gives me hope reading your thread
You are doing all he right things and you have such a positive way of seeing things. Keep it up and you will do fine.
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Old 21st April 2012, 11:26 AM   #9
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Wow, thank you Jadempk! That's so awesome and encouraging to hear, thank you so much.

That email was the kick in the pants I needed to stop hoping he would come around. I'm not gonna wait anymore -- I deserve better than breadcrumbs! I read some more of It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken and threw myself into redecorating my room. Very therapeutic.
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