Back together after 10 years, now I think we broke up again

[nanbullen]

Hi everybody, I have lurked here on and off for years. I'm here to share my story...mainly to vent, and hopfully get some clarity and perspective by writing it down.

 

My ex contacted me on facebook after not speaking to each other for 12 years, and hadn't seen each other for longer than that. We had broken up because of his ex wife and children....at the time she wasn't his exwife (they were separated and living in different states when i met him). I always thought of him as my true love/soul mate, and in my heart felt like we couldn't ever be together because the timing was just bad when we met. A part of me never stopped loving him, but i did go on with my life, got married and had a family. My marriage turned out to be unsucessful in that my husband cheated on me with 3 different women that i know of, maybe more. I tried to stay with him in spite of it, he begged me to stay In the long run, I just didn't love him anymore knowing he betrayed me, and i could not get over it. We have been separated since summer and getting a divorce.

 

In October, My ex,messaged me on facebook. He said he has been trying to find me and that he found my cousin to find out my name. I have a different last name (married name) and he doesn't have my phone # after all these years. We immediately started talking on the phone and email...he told me he has never stopped loving me or thinking about me. He said he has tried to find me over the years, and even called my parents, but they wouldn't give him my number. We live in different states (about 7 hours by car), but he says he has been here and that he has sat in his car outside my parents house hoping to catch me while i was visiting them.

 

Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I felt like my dream had come true. I could hardly believe i could be so happy, or deserved to be so happy. And that right there, is where all the problems started. I was so scared of getting hurt by him AGAIN, that i became very insecure and needed constant reassurance of how much he loved me. Of course nothing could ever reassure me of what the future holds. There are no guarantees in life, after all. I put so much pressure on him that I guess I pushed him away. He became more distant, started calling me less, started making excuses why he didnt answer his phone when i called. Now i haven't spoken to him since Friday, and I left him a message last night night to call me. He did not, and this morning i went straight to voicemail when i called.

 

All I can think is i drove him away with my insecurity and BS. I am so upset, I wish I never heard from him again after all this time. Now i feel like i have to get over him all over again.It's hard to believe that he loves me as much as he says, if it is so easy for him to just ignore me. But i guess if i wasn't interested in somebody, it would be easier to just ignore them, then to have a talk with someone who is upset and hurting.

 

One thing that really upsets me, is all these years, I thought back on him as the one relationship where I knew what real love felt like. Even though we couldn't be together, I felt lucky that at least I got to spend part of my life with my TRUE soul mate...when some people never get to meet that one person they are meant for. Now i feel like i guess I was wrong all these years....what we had was nothing special. I wish I had never heard from him again.

 

I know this is too long for most here to want to read...i tried make it as short as i could. Even if no one reads this, it feels better to just get it out, and know other people go thru this every day.

[nanbullen]

I wanted to add... he told me thought about me all the time, as soon as he woke up until he went to sleep. That he never stopped loving me, that he never loved anyone as much as he loved me. He was so charming, and knew all the right things to say. I wonder if he was just doing all this to see if he could get me to fall for him all over again. Just to feed his ego...not because he actually loves me. I just don't know what to think. Did I really push him away with my craziness? did he ever really love me?

 

He has issues of his own, but we all do. I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong in all this.

[geegirl]

I'm sorry Nan that you're hurting all over again.

 

You mentioned that your insecurities may have pushed him away because you are afraid of getting hurt by HIM again. I think your fears are not about him hurting you but "fears" from all the emotional turmoil you have had to endure with your failed relationships.

 

You've hardly picked yourself up from the death of your marriage. This man comes back into your life after 12 years of no contact. So much can change in 12 years. He is most likely not the man you thought he was and neither are you the woman you once were. Did you not believe that you owed it to yourself to at least let this man earn your trust before you gave it away so freely?

 

Seeing that you are not even divorced, it would have been wise, after that ordeal to set aside at least a year or two to help you heal emotionally and mentally. Use that time to gain mental clarity in hopes that you are able to make better decisions for yourself. You've basically carried your baggage from a failed relationship to another hoping it would be what saves you. The best thing you could have done was not to jump in his arms, but to step back and slowly reaquaint yourself with this person. And even then, at a snails pace because that will allow you to gauge his sincerity and his motives. It's that desperation to want to be loved and rescued that makes us run blindly into brick walls.

 

I won't speak for him and what his motives were but I will say that being with a partner that is insecure and one that is constantly needing reassurance will destroy a relationship. It's unattractive and unhealthy. And while love is what you hope is your saving grace, those behaviors can be what kills it.

 

Once your divorce is final, try to set your focus on rebuilding and reinventing yourself. If you've not managed your demons from your past, they will most likely rear their ugly heads in every relationship you decide to pursue. Seek therapy to help you understand where your insecurities stem from and how to overcome. Nurture yourself because there is no one out there that will put you first but you. Regain your self-esteem and value because you probably lost it along the way. Structure yourself by finding what Nan is interested in achieving in her life i.e. goals and ambitions. This is not the time to go from one relationship to another but the time to start one with yourself.

Edited April 11, 2012 by geegirl

[geegirl]

I wanted to add... he told me thought about me all the time, as soon as he woke up until he went to sleep. That he never stopped loving me, that he never loved anyone as much as he loved me. He was so charming, and knew all the right things to say. I wonder if he was just doing all this to see if he could get me to fall for him all over again. Just to feed his ego...not because he actually loves me. I just don't know what to think. Did I really push him away with my craziness? did he ever really love me?

 

He has issues of his own, but we all do. I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong in all this.

 

I don't know what his motives are. I don't have much to say about anyone being separated pursuing a relationship. How long has it been since he was divorced?

 

If he came back, would you take him back? And if you did, would you feel insecure that he may leave again? A vicious cycle.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. All you did was let your emotions get the best of you.

Edited April 11, 2012 by geegirl

[nanbullen]

Geegirl,thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. You have said so many things that are exactly right. I'm really kind of stunned, because you have said so many things...that make so much sense, I can't believe how blind I have been.

 

Of course you are right...we may not be the same people we were 12 years ago, maybe we never were the people I have built up in my memory. That has actually crossed my mind, but is so hard to accept that I honestly can't even begin to process it at this point. I am just not there yet.

 

I should have taken things slow, I see that now, but you are right, I guess I AM desperate to be loved. I did think love would be my saving grace and that he would understand my insecurity and fear, and he would know how I feel because he knows me so well and loves me so much. But I pushed him away with my neediness and craziness and insecurities. Who would want to take on all that baggage. I know I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, and I sure don't want to BE that person. You said it much more eloquently then I ever could have.

 

Right now I just feel so alone, and like such a failure. I can't believe someone can live so much of life and still be so clueless and lacking in insight as I am. I feel like I lost the only person I ever really wanted....thru MY OWN self-defeating behavior. And it's like I knew when I was doing it too - I just COULD.NOT.STOP.MYSELF.

 

Again, you have opened my eyes and put things into perspective for me in a way I never expected from some annonymous message board. I don't know you and vice versa, but you have helped me in a kind of profound way. thank you.

[nanbullen]

If he came back I don't want to take him back. I am a complete basket case....and I have a 10yo child I have to think about and act normal for! The problem is, I am scared I love him so much that my heart could never deny him, no matter what my head said.

 

I am terrified that he would leave again. That is what caused me to be so insecure in the first place. He always said he loved me, but he would still leave me. I get it, that it was because of his kids and wanting to have a relationship with them...but it didn't hurt me any less to be without him regardless of WHY he left. Do you know what I mean? I guess it's better then being left for another woman, but at the end of the day, rejection hurts no matter what.

 

He's been divorced for 9 years from that particular wife. He did get married again, but didn't have anymore kids. This was his third marriage (his first was a high school girlfriend he got pregnant, but the baby died at one month and they ended up getting divorced shortly after). This last marriage was to somebody he met and married after a couple of months and he got it annulled after being married for 2.5 months. There's no way to make that sound good, i know. He has issues of his own.

[wow04]

I have read and reread this post, it is so much like what I am going through. I am going to give you my story so you understand where I am coming from with what I have to say.

 

9 years ago my current bf left me for his ex-wife. I was devastated. I believed he was my soulmate. I did get on with my life. I married and had three beautiful children. Over a year ago, I left my husband and filed for divorce.

 

I was on facebook one day and my bf from the past messaged me. I was in shock. We started out just talking on the phone. It has escalated into being together when ever my kids are at their dad's. We have been doing this for 8 months. We also thought about each other the whole time we were separated.

 

I was scared to death, at first, that he was going to break my heart again. He called me out on it. He asked why I was holding back and everything poured out. We talked about what went wrong last time and decided how to work on it.

 

I can tell you now that him and I are best friends. But, before that could happen I had to tell him how he hurt me before. I had to tear down those walls. I had to let happen what was going to happen.

 

You have to be honest with him and tell him how you are feeling.

[geegirl]

You are welcome, Nan. I'm glad to help.

 

Please don't feel like a failure. We all make decisions that are not in our best interest and at 40 I have made several and will probably make a few more in my lifetime. These are lessons that will teach us to have better judgment for what's ahead of us. With pain comes growth, emotionally and mentally. There have been times when I've looked back and wondered about my misteps only to realize I needed to make them because it is what helps you pave the path ahead.

 

I think it is time for you to work on yourself. These issues just don't go away because you realize there's something wrong. You have to put the work in YOU. You're not alone. We've all been there.

 

Be kind to yourself Nan. And stop beating yourself up.

[Million.to.1]

i know how you feel... I recently got together with an old flame too.... when it ended, i was so angry because i felt I'd been stripped of a fond memory. The history we shared was a comfort to me..it made me smile and was simple and real.... and now it has changed and I can't have it back.

 

i agree with geegirl.

you need time to heal before getting involved with anyone. Your husband destroyed your ability to trust in love. Take time to heal and wait until you feel strong again by yourself before giving anyone your trust and your heart.

[geegirl]

If he came back I don't want to take him back. I am a complete basket case....and I have a 10yo child I have to think about and act normal for! The problem is, I am scared I love him so much that my heart could never deny him, no matter what my head said.

 

I am terrified that he would leave again. That is what caused me to be so insecure in the first place. He always said he loved me, but he would still leave me. I get it, that it was because of his kids and wanting to have a relationship with them...but it didn't hurt me any less to be without him regardless of WHY he left. Do you know what I mean? I guess it's better then being left for another woman, but at the end of the day, rejection hurts no matter what.

 

He's been divorced for 9 years from that particular wife. He did get married again, but didn't have anymore kids. This was his third marriage (his first was a high school girlfriend he got pregnant, but the baby died at one month and they ended up getting divorced shortly after). This last marriage was to somebody he met and married after a couple of months and he got it annulled after being married for 2.5 months. There's no way to make that sound good, i know. He has issues of his own.

 

There is no way to make this sound good. He has issues and you have issues. Together you're both toxic. Love is great Nan, but at some point you have to realize that a great relationship doesn't thrive or succeed on love alone.

[nanbullen]

Wow04, I wish things worked out for me the same way they did for you. I think maybe the difference is him and I are both too damaged to be able to communicate. He HAS called me out on my paranoia. A few weeks ago when I was mad about something or other, he texted me that maybe I am afraid of getting hurt and I am projecting my fears onto him. I sarcastically replied that, yes, I am afraid of getting hurt, obviously. I felt like…yeah, he hurt me, so why if he understood THAT, why won’t he DO anything to make me feel like he DOES love me and he won’t hurt me again. I was asking for a lot….for him to swear he loved me and he’d love me forever after he hadn’t even spoken to me in over a decade, and to predict the future. That’s a lot of pressure to put on somebody.

 

I have told him how he’s hurt me. I think at some point I have to just let it go and stop reminding him and expecting him to somehow “repent” for it. I am just not good at talking about my feelings. I’m not even good at knowing WHAT my feelings are. So instead of taking his opinion into consideration, I was too invested in being right and making him understand me, that I didn’t even listen to what he was trying to tell me. A lot of times I would be getting all paranoid and psycho on him…and I could see myself doing it,,..i KNEW I was pushing him away…and I couldn’t stop. Why do I sabotage myself like that?

 

I have thought about telling him all this – now that I see things differently. But, he hasn’t called or texted me back since Friday. Now I get his voicemail if I call him. Also, I think he’s just sick of me and done with all this BS. At the very least, he doesn’t want to talk to me now. Right now, I don’t even know WHAT exactly I would say to him that would do any good. I think I’ve done too much damage.

[nanbullen]

Wow, thanks everybody. I know I need time to heal. I’m just scared I’ll never figure out how to be a normal, happy functional person. Sometimes I feel like I’m missing some piece of information, or like everybody knows something about how to be happy that I never learned. I don’t even know HOW to work on myself. Where would I start? I know I need to be happy with myself but how do I get there?

[geegirl]

You mentioned that you find it hard to express your feelings, but more so find it difficult to know what you feel. I will tell you that time with a good therapist helped me sieve through everything that I was struggling with. It allowed me to learn how to organize my thoughts and feelings. After several sessions, I was soon able to get into self-talk mode to help rationalize and center myself when I would lose control of my feelings. It was almost as if I was my own therapist.

 

If you want to change your life, then it's time to make different choices. We all have baggage and while it may never go away, there are ways that we can learn with how to better cope, manage and battle those demons. I've been in horrendous relationships, been through hell and back a few times. It may not happen overnight but you must start taking those little steps in learning how to love yourself.

 

The first thing you need to do is put relationships aside for awhile. You will not be a healthy partner for anyone until you work on yourself. Focus on your daughter. Go to therapy and find a good therapist. It may take a few tries to find the right one for you. Get to the library and try the self-help section and pick up a few books that are targeted towards raising your confidence and self-esteem, maybe effective communication in relationships, positive affirmations, etc. Enroll in a fun class that you and your daughter can participate in. Focus on your relationship with her and yourself now. Start exercising, maybe a yoga class or a fun aerobics class and when you start feeling good physically, you will start to feel good internally. Try a meditation class. It helped me focus on centering myself when everything around me was crumbling. Find your passions and start cultivating your talents. Set some goals for yourself and make a list. Start journaling your thoughts and your feelings. I find it helps me release all that is bottled up inside me. And if you can't articulate your feelings, writing may help you. Write about what you want in life. Write about the wonderful Nan. Write about how you see yourself in a year. Write about why you felt the way you felt about something that happened during your day. Write about something you did that was funny. Write about whatever...anything. Your brain is, as my Nana would say, "Your brain is full of noise. You must find quiet." Your mind and heart is muddled Nan. You have to find your peace and quiet to help you find yourself again.

 

If you don't reinvent and rebuild Nan, then you're always going to be looking at someone else to complete you. Someone else's life is always much more appealing if you don't have one of your own. And no one is going to love you like the goddess you are, if you don't feel that within yourself.

 

Time to make choices Nan. It's work but when you start feeling good about yourself, mind, heart and soul, you will be able to start setting healthy boundaries and making better choices for yourself.

Edited April 11, 2012 by geegirl

[nanbullen]

I think you are right about the therapist. I was sent to a psychiatrist when I was a teen by my parents after my brother died, and I felt so uncomfortable talking to her, that since then I just never thought therapy was for me. But I really think I could benefit from some cognitive therapy, or learning some skills to be able to recognize when I start to go off the rails, and be able to stop myself. Because of my divorce, I’m without health insurance for a few months. I doubt I qualify for any free or discount therapy, so that will have to wait.

 

I think I’ve read (or at least bought lol) every book on relationships ever published…but you’ve given me a good idea about maybe reading something on self esteem! I already exercise, that is my main form of stress relief, and when I am REALLY stressed out, I love to go to the gym. I’ve been trying to make time to go twice a day since all this drama started.

 

He finally texted me back yesterday, to tell me he hasn’t wanted to talk to me because I said some things last time we talked, that made him feel like I wasn’t looking forward to coming to see him, and was doing him a favor (I was supposed to go for weekend in 2 weeks, we take turns going to see each other). He’s right, I was a total bitch, but despite the fact that I’m trying to focus on me and my problems…I’m not ready to say that EVERYTHING is my fault. I tried to keep in mind everything you and every one else here has said, so I just told him I need some time, we moved too fast, I can’t stand the person I’ve become, it’s not fair to either of us, and especially not fair to my little girl. He agreed with me, and I still don’t know what’s going on.

I don’t know if we’re talking or not. I know that I’ve worn him out and right now he just needs to be left alone. The impression I got is, right now he’s finished with me, but he thinks maybe he’ll cool off so he doesn’t want to just say it’s over. Maybe I need to be trying to talk to him now, so I can nudge him in the direction of us staying together.

[geegirl]

There really is no rush for you to set anyting in stone Nan. No one is going anywhere. You're still in the process of your divorce. While you work on your issues, get reacquainted with him and just date casually. If he really wants you, he will understand your needs, stick around and work things through so that you both have a better relationship. Let him cool down and let him come to you when he is ready. I think nudging is another form of control because you're fearful.

[nanbullen]

I agree we need to get to know each other again and date casually but we live 7 hours apart so when we see each other, it’s for a long weekend, one or possibly 2 times a month. So that complicates things. Long distance relationships are hard, or at least for me it has just made things harder. It’s like we lead two totally separate lives. Also, it drives me crazy when I don’t hear from him and I don’t know what he’s doing.

 

I don’t think he would cheat on me behind my back. But sometimes I think that since we’re so far apart he may meet somebody else, and just from being able to spend more time together, develop a bond. After I don’t hear from him, I let my imagination run wild, and I think of all kinds of crazy scenarios. And then I need even more reassurance from him! I just cringe when I think of how I’ve been acting, OMG!

[geegirl]

I agree we need to get to know each other again and date casually but we live 7 hours apart so when we see each other, it’s for a long weekend, one or possibly 2 times a month. So that complicates things. Long distance relationships are hard, or at least for me it has just made things harder. It’s like we lead two totally separate lives. Also, it drives me crazy when I don’t hear from him and I don’t know what he’s doing.

 

I don’t think he would cheat on me behind my back. But sometimes I think that since we’re so far apart he may meet somebody else, and just from being able to spend more time together, develop a bond. After I don’t hear from him, I let my imagination run wild, and I think of all kinds of crazy scenarios. And then I need even more reassurance from him! I just cringe when I think of how I’ve been acting, OMG!

 

You're really not in a good position Nan. I think that being in an LDR only exxacerbates your insecurities and it doesn't help that this man has had a string on unsuccessful relationships.

 

If you truly want to continue this relationship, then I think the best way for now would be for you two to have open and consistent communication. Trust has to be built and earned but not given freely. Please keep your emotions intact and don't easily rush into anything. Date casually and keep your expectations to a minimum. You hardly know this man so the best you can do is get to know him first. Remember that you really need to know this guy before you completely give yourself to him.

 

Be communicative and express your feelings openly. That in turn will help him understand why you're doing the things you do and maybe that will provide him with some emotional security within the relationship.

[nanbullen]

Geegirl, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell myself! We do need to be able to communicate. I know I can’t just give him my trust. My question is, how does he earn trust when he hasn’t given me a reason to not trust him, per se? I know he’s not going back to his ex-wife, he doesn’t like to go out, he likes to stay home and play xbox. What could he do to build my trust? If what I want is to be able to trust that he will ALWAYS love me? How could he possibly guarantee me that? He can’t! And now I see how I’ve been putting these unreasonable expectations on him.

 

Now I see what I’ve been doing…but I need to figure out how to stop. And at the same time, hope that it’s not too late. Because, I DO love him and want things to work out. I know I’ve never felt the same way about anyone else I have ever been with. He’s not perfect, but neither am I. I’m not sure a relationship can be perfect. Two people aren’t going to agree on everything, after all!

 

That said, he’s typical male who does not like to talk about his feelings. If I ask him , he’ll flat out say he “doesn’t want to talk about it”. I can talk about my feelings all I want, but if he feels like I’m criticizing him or blaming him, he gets super defensive. And now, since the way I was acting, he’s defensive all the time, at anything I say.

 

He says I should know he loves me because he's thought about me, and loved me, and looked for me all these years. And the sane, rational side of me knows he's right. But when I feel paranoid, I just think that if he wanted to, he could have found me on facebook a year ago before he went and got married to someone else. I've never said that to him, thankfully! Btw, if I ask him why he married her in the first place if he only knew her for a month and got an annullment after another 2 months (and they didn't even live together for most of the time they were married)....he says he doesn't know why he married her and that he doesn't even feel like he was married to her. He just does not want to talk about his feelings. Actually, when I typed that, it occured to me that maybe he just doesn't want to tell me why. He knows that there is just no right answer to a question like that!

 

I can not stand the person I have become. It's like the normal, happy, confident me has been replaced by some pathetic, needy, insecure person.

 

The more I see how i acted, the more sure I am that he doesn't want anything else to do with me. I don't even want anything to do with me.

[geegirl]

This is most likely going to be my last post here Nan as I am going to remove myself indefinitely for personal reasons but I wanted to just respond to you before I do that.

 

If you believe that he's earned the right to your heart, based on his nature of just staying at home, playing xbox, not going out, then that's just a surface level security that you're holding on to. Dig deeper in the sense that this man once left you and was involved with you while he was still married. There have been a string of marriages that he's had issues committing to. Can you really trust this man for the long term? I don't know that answer. What I do know is that this is a fairly risky situation that you are putting yourself in.

 

There are no guarantees with love. If you choose him, then you will have to go into it, accepting that whatever happens, happens. He can't guarantee he will be there tomorrow or 10 years from now. That's why we have divorces and break-ups. Nothing is a guarantee. If you're secure in his love for you and you trust him wholeheartedly, then those thoughts should never enter your mind because you're too busy enjoying the "wonderful" that you have. But if you're already questioning and feeling insecure, you have to ask yourself, is this the makings of a healthy relationship? Whether it's your own anxieties or just your gut (and always listen to it), I don't know but if something is not sitting right, take heed.

 

I think therapy is a great way to start for you and not to help you with the situaton you are in now but to help you overall in battling your issues. Therapy helped me organize my feelings and thoughts. It's about re-programming your mind. I used to be all over the place. Then I met my therapist. One that was interactive, proactive and a thought provoker. I found coping skills that taught me how to pull myself back, reel myself back in and center when I was feeling uncertain or destructive. Your brain has been trained to go left, now you have to train it to go right per se.

 

It doesn't help to let one obsessive or negative thought run rampant. It will grow like weeds. Then you're off feeding a fire that you could have put out if you only stepped back and rationalized it. Please find someone that can help you find the right coping skills. Someone who can help you understand, manage and organize yourself so that you are avle to control yourself from reacting negatively.

 

I know that men hate talking about feelings but that's not a good indication. How can you build with him if he doesn't like to communicate? You can hate talking about feelings but there should always be enough flexibility when there is a need to express yourself.

 

If he feels that you're criticizing him or blaming him, maybe you can look at your approach? That's why I mentioned books about finding ways to communicate effectively in a relationship. You said you find it hard to express yourself and sometimes can't decipher what you feel so maybe that also ties in with how you deliver yourself when communicating your feelings to him. And maybe this is something you two can work on together.

 

I'm sorry to say this but being divorced three times does raise a red flag for me. And marrying someone after knowing them for a month, anullment after a 2 months and not even living together, is just too much for me to even be able to feel secure in his emotional stability. There is much more to him than meets the eye. Love alone is not enough, there has to be emotional availability and maturity as well.

 

There is no answer to that question because it's not normal behavior and when it's not normal behavior, then there's some underlying issues going on with him. And he does not want to talk about it, so then there's no honest and open communication in your relationship. Crucial for a relationship to survive.

 

Please stop blaming yourself. I think rather than beat yourself up for believing that you're not good enough for him, ask yourself if he is good enough for you. Ths isn't just about living happily ever after just because he loves you. The man has issues that you're not really seeing because your heart wants love. He has to fit your list of criteria as well. You're in the midst of a divorcing an ex that treated you horribly. You want to go into your next relationship eyes wide open, implementing the lessons you learnt from past failed relationships so that you make wise choices in how you select a future partner, with your head and not with your heart. Look at all the other aspects of building a strong relationship and ask yourself if he has all the qualities to make that work for you.

Edited April 13, 2012 by geegirl

[nanbullen]

Wow geegirl, I hate that you are leaving! What am I going to do without you??

 

I can't even begin to say how you have helped me. It was what you said that made me look at my own behavior and put things in perspective and if it wasn't for that, I would have gone psycho on him and completely killed what little chance we may still have!

 

If things do work out for me, I can honestly say it's all thanks to you, and i will always think of and be eternally grateful to Geegirl, who showed me the light and helped me more than you can ever know!! I really hope your personal problems aren't anything too horrible and they get resolved as quickly as possible. I'll be thinking of you!!