silicis n volvo Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Ive posted before about my ex and also about havin another date but because i cant seem go enjoy myself ive bailed on the date and am now looking for advice with my problem. Ill be as detailed as i can and as unbias as possible. I met my girlfriend just over 2 years ago and we dated for several weeks. Things didnt work out and we split. Then 15 months later she texts me out of the blue saying i was always good to her and she was stupid not to stay with me. We agreed to meet up and we started dating again. This time it lasted 10 months. I fell for her quickly and would do anything for her. She was very closed up. Couldnt talk about feelings and didnt show a lot of emotion or affection. This did bother me a bit as i was the opposite. And sure it caused a few arguments. Things settled though over time. i liked her more and more each day and always acted that way so she knew. We did argue a lot about me trying so hard and her not. After about 6 months i told her i loved her but she didnt say it back. I asked if she wanted to be with me she said yes but she doesnt feel the same. So i just hoped those feelings would come in time. she was a very fragile person. Would get angry easily and any attemps at cheering her up usually made it worse. I was so into this girl i would hold back from voicing my opinions incase she didnt agree or got mad. Id just agree with everything she said and do anything she wanted. Id choose her over anything including my lifelong friends. But she wouldnt think twice about turning me down for something else. Id make time for her even if it was just an hour between plans. she wouldnt. Even if i thought she was in the rong during an argument id end up saying sorry to settle it. Id be the one looking for forgiveness. If i ever told her how she was being she'd say "well thays just who i am stop trying to change me" Shed often go in funny moods and not tell me whats rong. And get increasingly angry if i tried to find out why. Shed then tell me days later and sometimes it wud be something so ridiculous. This would cause more arguments. During arguments id get so angry. Id voice some of my opinions including things i didnt mean. This just made it worse and id be saying sorry again. We faught a lot but we both hated it. When we didnt fight we were great together. So close and she'd show affection in the bedroom. But deep down i was always scared she didnt want me and id lose her. This was probably the route of our arguments. I always put so much effort in and she didnt. i always felt she never cared. Eventually we'd argued one to many times and as i was always the one taking blame i felt worn out and i finished with her. Ofcourse she come at me all guns blazing and i felt maybe i made a mistake was this all my fault? i tried to sort things out and she came round one night. We spoke and all of a sudden out of nowhere she burst into tears. She'd always been so emotionless but that look of sadness in her eyes gripped me and i just hugged her for a while. I was thinkin did she really care all along? Have i been a huge dick? She settled down and over the next few days we talked about us and saw each other. I tried to tell her a little about how i felt. She didnt say anything then but she didnt take it well and it came out in an argument a few days later as shed been in a bad mood about it. I took her flowers at work and told her i loved her and to ring me after work. she did and we had a really good week together. Like everything was ok. Ofcourse we hadnt solved anything though just coverd it up. Then finally last week she told me she was meeting a male friend for a drink and a catch up. I asked if it was just them 2 she said yes. I said and i quote "i wasnt sure i liked the idea of her meeting a lad ive never heard of one on one but if hes just a friend and its just for a catch up then fine." That was the equivelant of me throwing a bag of ***** at the fan. She said she doesnt need my permission and i cnt tell her wot to do. i dont trust her and this isnt good grounds for a relationship and its over. This was over text. I text back saying she wouldnt like it if i met a girl. That she should understand my concern and reassure me its fine. Its not about trust. She didnt txt bk. So the next day i sent a loooong text stating everything i felt. How i thinks shes acted over our time together. How i feel like a doormat and shes had me in her back pocket all this time. How despite me lovin her she made me more miserable than happy and told her to have a nice life. She didnt text bk and weve not spoken since. I know ive been too available and too keen and girls dnt like that. I keep playing everything back in my head and wondering what i could have done better. What was my fault and what did i do rong. shes all i think about. i cnt sleep properly. I cnt enjoy myself. Im trying to follow peoples advice and get out and about. But i cant seem to have fun. im moping around sulking and although im aware of this i cnt help it. Im wondering how shes feeling. should i contact her. can this be sorted out? Everywhere i go i get told to stick to no contact. But its a real battle for me to do that. I love her and i miss her and i dnt know wot to do. How to deal with it and move on? Why cnt i find any motivatation towards any other aspect of my life. Like i hate everything.
TaraMaiden Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Have you actually read the No Contact guide, or are you just staying NC because that's what everybody tells you? You know why you have to stick to NC, right? I mean, you know the different reasons? What are you actually doing for yourself to provide a new life? There's a difference between doing things simply to try to be distracted, and doing things because you're moving on and turning a new page, opening a new book, and constructing your life again.... See my signature for the NC guide....
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 Firstly Silicus, forgive me for the length of my post. I have made so many mistakes over the past 12 months, so I hope you can absorb just a little what I am about to tell you. Sadly when you are suffering a broken heart is "no wise words going to stop the bleeding" so it is very hard to do the right things even though logically you know it's right. You need to get out NOW! This girl is so emotionally immature. She will suck the life out of you and leave you wondering what the hell happened!?!?! I've been there mate. It's exhausting and draining (emotionally, physically and mentally). You are always in the wrong. When you try work with them to resolve they never take accountability, they have no idea how to communicate effectively or compromise to form a healthy a relationship. Denial, Denial and more denial..Easier then looking inwards. Believe me when I tell you, because she is in denial any attempt to try 'open her eyes' or try change her, will be met by anger. You will also push her further and further away. I spoke above about forming a healthy relationship. Your relationship is the opposite of that. There is no trust, communication, compromise, empathy etc etc. The key ingredidents you need to form a real lasting healthy bond. What you will realise in the time is this key one line. "The problem is not her, it's me". You see it doesn't matter how badly she behaves, how much she hurts you. The real issue here is, that you choose a girl like this and you continue to put yourself out there and continue to be hurt by her. In a past relationship, I spend so much time analyzing to death the actions of an ex.. I spent some time wondering about reconcilations. I can't begin to tell you just how detrimental this is, to your overall recovery from a broken heart. I posted many posts on LS about where I felt she went wrong, where I went wrong. Part of me wanted to email her, to show her my discoveries. A big part of me even wanted her to see these LS posts. Not because I wanted to hurt her. Never that, but cause I was so desperate to help her, so that she would see the light and come back to me a more mature rounded person and maybe we could try again. The problem here is why was I so desperate to help her and want her when 1) The relationship was not good and 2) I still has my own issues to deal with. Going into such depth about my ex and her problems was in hindsight, so emotionally immature and vaguely pathetic on my part. In the end I got what I asked for. I had an ex track me down (I left Facebook and blocked her on everything) on the only platform she could get this new 'relationship' news to me. She basically let me know that she was in a relationship with a great guy, while I was blllaahhhhhhhhh etc. Initially I was hurt and sad, but when I reflected I realised just how pathetic it is track an ex down on the web and then tell that ex you have found seemingly the greatest guy ever. I would have thought if you were geniunely happy, you wouldn't have felt the need to do this. What makes it laughable is at the time we have only been NC for 6 weeks. At the start of our R, we were 6 weeks together when she told me she loved me and how awesome I was. Same patterns, same cycles. Rinse, lather, repeat. She is just too blind to see it.
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) Here is the key thing I want to take from this post Silicus. How our ex's behave is not our concern. I could easily fill an emotional gap in the wrong way like my ex, but I refuse to do it. I know the path I need to walk and I also know there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. When a relationship breaks up we are so so so sad. It's easy to look to other things (addictions, casual sex, rebounding) to fill these emotional gaps within us. Sometimes we postpone the grief. We meet a cool person and think they are so much cooler then my ex. This behaviour most times will catch up with you further down the line. Rebounds in general are a disaster waiting to happen. Just a matter of when. I have a new friend I have met in a new country I have moved to. She is beautiful, smart, funny, caring, sweet and the same kind of fun loving personality to me. After about a month she very shyly asked me out on a date. I was so flattered. It would be sooooooo easy to date her, but I know in my heart the issues that effected my last relationship are not fully resolved. I have been honest with her and maybe me showing such honesty might mean my chance is gone in the future, but that is a gamble I am willing to take. It's about giving myself the best chance to succeed in the future. You should only look to meet someone new when 1) Your ex is no longer in your heart and 2) You know what caused the issues from your side in the last relationship and you have put the blocks in place to resolve them. I'm still not there yet. There is the different between myself and my ex. She doesn't believe there is a problem with her, so if there is no problem(s) in 'your head' there is no need to resolve. Rinse, lather, repeat. I hope it works for her, I genuinely really do cause despite all the b&^***** that went down with us, I know she has a good heart and I know she is not fully to blame. After hearing her move on so fast, the fact I know she was Facebook stalking me a few weeks back and then felt the need to get this info to me, I have my doubts. Whether this new guy is the greatest guy in history and they have the best R ever or she continues the same cycles from the past is not important. What is important is getting myself happy/ready. Silicus here is where you need to be honest with yourself. What exactly are your problems? Why were you attracted to a woman like this? Why were you willing to stay so long in a bad relationship? I know the answers to those questions now but do you? I am sad today I won't lie, but I also know my ex and I operate on a totally different wavelength. I could never do the things she did to me. There was nasty verbal abuse on numerous occasions. Then there is tracking me down to let me know she found someone new.... It's almost laughable to be to honest and so immature. But silicus I choose her and if I am being honest with myself there was a mine field of warning signs. I just ignored them cause I had little self esteem and was riddled with insecurities. I was codependent and obsessive. Even when it was going wrong I tried to impose my will on her (bad mistake) and genuinely convinced myself that I could make it work for us. Deluded I was.. The key to a successfull relationship is two emotionally healthy/mature people coming together in a happy stage in their lives. The relationship is 50/50 which comes together to form a WHOLE. One person is not looking to the other to make them happy. One person isn't trying to 'rescue'/'change'/'fix'/'help' another. I am not there yet. If I was I wouldn't have been trying to 'help' my ex during the R and post breakup. I wouldn't be on LS writing another eassy about what went wrong. When I come back to LS, I will be ready to give that 50%. I will be as emotionally healthy as anyone on this site. It can be done. It requires self awareness, honesty, courage, hard work, balance and discipline. If you want to make the same mistakes as me then you will continue to obsess, analyze, help, fix etc etc etc. Trust me it is a total and utter waste of time. Her view of life and the relationship is completely different to yours and you will never meet in the middle. The image my ex has of me (and our relationship) in her head is not who I am. It's just her perception of me. Her perception of me as I said is so not important. What is important is my perception of me, my families perception of me. Moving to a new country, making new friends so easily, reconnecting with old friends and leaning on family has made me realise I am a great guy and in time, I will make a lucky girl so so happy. It took me a LONG time to feel this good within myself so if my ex ever reads this and says thats 'insecurity'. I say kiss my ass... I can tell you how I am turning things inwards.. 1) Exercise. You need to get out as much as you can. I run and swim everyday and it is having a HUGE positive effect on my life..I find it far better then the gym ever was. 2) Spend a few nights a week in a peaceful place. I am very lucky. I live in a beautiful complex with a lit up swimming pool. 3 nights a week I switch off the laptop, turn off the tv and spend 4 hours a night with just sipping tea/coffee overlooking the pool from my balcony. Instead of wondering what my ex is up to, I focus on many negative things she said about me. Some of her criticisms may be harsh, but many times they were valid. I then write down some notes as a way of improving myself based on her feedback, other ex's feedback. Friends feedback and family feedback. Slowly I am creating a picture in my head, of how I can make the changes I need to make. Where I want my life to head towards. 3) Drill into yourself that you are your ex are not compatible..I mean DRILL.....This is really helpful when you are feeling low and missing her.. 4) Read the following books. For codependency read 'The Enabler' and 'Copededent no more'. For relationship communication read 'Why can't you read my mind'..On your obessesing read the book 'how to break your addiction to a person'. 5) Focus on your emotional IQ. Read the book 'Go suck a Lemon' and taken this test -> Queendom: personality tests, IQ tests, mind games, love tests, career tests before and after you read Go suck a lemon..Pretty amazing relevations which help YOU.. It has come to the stage that only YOU can help you. Edited April 11, 2012 by Mack05
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) Hi tara. Yeah ive read the NC guide. I know NC is meant to be for my benefit and moving on and not to try get her back. What im saying is im really struggling with it. Reading the guide is good advice but it doesnt make it easier. And im doing all the normal things i do. i go to work. i go to the gym and i see my friends. but im not enjoying any of it. Edited April 11, 2012 by silicis n volvo
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 Hi mac. Thanks for ur post i can relate to a lot of it and its full of good advice I think i do have low self esteem and was codependant. I needed her and she didnt need me. I wasnt happy but i did love her and there were lots of good times wen i was happy. I know i shouldnt start looking for someone else untill im fully over my ex. I would never be able to give someone my full attention right now. But i dont know how to move on. She is all i think about. I do exercise i go to the gym several times a week. And i play guitar and have decided to right my thoughts down as songs. But honestly i feel no better. What steps should i take from here on? Is no contact an absolute must? There was something different with this grl thats y i chose her. And i know i did plenty rong in our relationship. I think my handling of situstions was all rong. I probably cared about things i shouldnt have. and tried too hard to make her feel the way i did. Shes different to ur ex tho. She wouldnt tell me of a new guy. If i dont talk to her she'l never talk to me again. infact she wudnt ever come to me about anything. Even in our relationship. if i didnt initiate conversation we wudnt talk much. She would sometimes but rarely. Anyway i know i need to move on. But i dont know how
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) Silicus there is no magic cure. The things/list I mentioned above is what works for me. They may not neccessarily work for you. I went to Therapy and recently my Therapist told me I should be giving her advice and there was no need to be there, so now I no longer do it. That might help you, Therapy. Just to piece things together. The truth is though, sometimes I am frustrated by my progress. Some days I feel on top of the world. I really do. Other days I miss my ex terribly and I don't think I have made as much progress as I believe that I have. I had my best friend and two guys stay with me last weekend (I live in a beautiful resort). They said they didn't recognise me. I lost nearly 40 pounds and have a nice healthy tan. Still despite all the hard work, reading, making new friends that I have put in....honestly I still thought I would be further along. In a way I think thats a good thing that my progress is slow. I think real permanent change takes longer than 4 months. It also makes me realise that my feelings for my ex were genuine. Again a good thing. It's nice to love someone and be willing to do anything to try make it work. Sadly we were not compatible, two emotionally unhealthy people with different types of personal problems, wrong place, wrong time. I just need to learn the lessons that made me a poor boyfriend. I would be beyond amazed if my ex ever apologised for what made her a bad girlfriend. That would mean admitting fault and taking accountabilty...Pigs will fly haha... Just keep doing what you are doing. Just try and kept it positive EVERYDAY. The last thing I feel like today is going for a run, but I will. Then I will eat a lovely fresh fish dinner as a reward and then call some friends and vent about my ex :-). I used to never do that but keeping things bottled is not good and your friends and always your friends. All positive. Something positive tomorrow is maybe a long tough ocean swim, followed by a mountain bike ride. A glass of my favourite red wine as a reward. The day after a round of golf on my fav course... Trust me, I feel as low as you. What makes it bearable for me is that I love myself alot more then I used to and I still know I'm walking the path to success. Even if it's slower then I would like sometimes... Edited April 11, 2012 by Mack05
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 I dont think i have the facilities you have around you. i do live right next to a golf course though maybe a round or 2 would be nice. Like you. Sometimes i feel like i dont know what im botherd about. Im free and single and better off without her...it usually lasts about 10 minutes. Reading things on here like what your telling me does it usually. But then im back to sulking and missing her. I do vent wbout my ex to my friends but i think they get sick of hearing about it. Im in the mood where i feel i wont find anyone else and I honestly think even if i ever find someone i will be the same as last time and it wont work again. Its like i can see what i was being like to make me a bad boyfriend but i dont know how to feel or act differently next time. I know i need to move on and start working on my own life again but i dont know how to stop feeling so bad. Im still fighting the urge to text her or call her. I know the rules theres a deep wound left behind and contact would just rip out the stitches and make it worse. I still want to though.
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) One of my favourite lines from a song is "no wise words are going to stop the bleeding". Up until my ex's revelation, I fought the urge for NC EVERYDAY. I come here and vented. I vented to family and friends. Wrote journals etc etc. Last night when she stooped so low to inform me she was in a new R 6 weeks after we went NC, I was SOO hurt. I wanted to call her and just let rip. I woke up this morning though realising just how pointless that would be. Spoke to family and they made me feel better. I'm sure there will be ups and downs over the next days and weeks, but there is no way in hell I would break NC. I deserve better then her, alot better. At some stage when you resolve your issues you will realise that 1) you are not at fault for everthing 2) she operates on a different wavelength to you and 3) her opinion of you means nothing. Do you want better for yourself? Look at her treatment of you. Is that what u want for the rest of your life?. You have to will yourself to stay strong.. Silvio here is a post (first one on page 15) that describes perfectly my ex's behaviour in my last R -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/310393-she-did-again-here-we-go-again-merry-go-round-see-text-15.html. It helped me gained the 'acceptance' that right now you are looking for. Once you gain that acceptance, NC is FAR easier to keep and you can then FULLY focus on just you. I wish you well mate. I am leaving the web for good, until I get myself sorted...I have vented enough and get some amazing support. The kick in the ass I got last night, was in away exactly what I needed to hear. I should thank my ex..She turned out to be the best thing I never had.. Now I can go get what I truly deserve and she never deserved me... Edited April 11, 2012 by Mack05
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) I know for a fact I would have been a lot better boyfriend, if I felt my ex was an emotionally healthy person and believed in us the way I did. When you are forcing things mate, its just not fun. Save your love for someone who deserves it. Someone who will appreciate you for who you really are. Because of my insecurities, low self esteem, obessive behaviours and codependency I stayed far too long in bad relationships. Think of it like beating your fists off a stone wall. You are making zero progress no matter how hard you try and you are getting more and more hurt. When you resolve your personal issues you no longer feel the need to punch that wall. If you are honest mate you already know this relationship doesn't feel right yet you are compelled to stay. Classic unhealthy relationship. Classic denial, Classic unhappiness in one's self. You want to reach out because it feels lonely. Being alone is a horrible feeling. It can be such a horrible feeling that we reach out to people who are not good for us. Far too many couples get back together because of fear of being alone/apart. The only way to conquer this fear is to achieve true happiness in yourself. I made a huge life change to try achieve this. I looked at my life as a whole in Therapy. Despite having a great family, career, friends, life experiences my life still wasn't working the way I wanted it to. In therapy I went through my past, my past relationships (friends, families, ex's). I was honest with my therapist on what I felt I did wrong in all those relationships and eventually I pieced together, the person I want to be and the type of future I want to have. I then came up with idea's how to make things right in my life..One of those idea's was to put myself out there by moving country. Extreme? Absolutely! but I felt stale where I was. I needed a change. I wanted somewhere with sun, excitement, challenges, new languages, cultures etc etc. Once I decided to be truly honest with myself. The key area's I focused on were/are... 1) Why were my last two choices of girlfriends so poor. My ex's are not evil. Not even bad people but some of their behaviours were utterly cold and vicious. Something I have never seen before. What I mean by choices is, why did I stay in two relationships back to back, that I knew after 2 months didn't feel right. Why did I want to stay and put up with something, that I knew wouldn't make me happy long term just to make them happy? In the end we just made each other miserable. I felt it was my job to provide them with an awesome life, cause they never knew what it was like to have real family. In the end, I could see the selfishness in their personalities. Behavioural traits I couldn't relate too. Communication styles that simply did not gel and a myriad of other problems. Yet I stayed. I would be mr nice guy only to know they were not right for me. Then push them away. When they left, I felt alone and scared. So I'd bring them back. Promise the world, then mr nice guy for awhile, push away again. Rinse, lather, repeat. My communication was so bad I simply just couldn't tell them what I wanted in fear they would leave cause that is not what they were looking for. So my insecurities would kick in and I would leave first. The key thing I learnt is I know now what I want from a woman in the future and if I don't meet a woman that has those attributes that sticks to within what I consider acceptable boundaries, then I won't change her or force things with her. If we can't compromise, then I will just accept we are not right together. Self awareness is one thing, but I will make the same mistake(s) again if I don't fully become 1000% happy in my skin no matter what weight I am. So what do I want to achieve besides knowing what kind of girl I am compatible with -> My last two ex's will be the last two girls to EVER have a truly bad word opinion me (which in total fairness is somewhat justified). I am too good a person for that. I have a list of promises that I have made myself. Promise number 1 is to never again have a girl view me like my last two ex's do. 2) Set your goals. Long term and short team goals. It feels like you are on a mission and you can see your progress every step of the way. Believe in yourself. Even if you hit a setback will yourself to succeed. Promise number 2. 3) Try find new hobbies. Lately I took up golf. Hated it at start as I was crap and now I love it as I am getting really good with the help of lessons. Volunteering is another good thing to do... 4) Be a better friend/son/brother/uncle. Promise number three. 5) To live my life free of negativity and anger. To forgive all who have hurt me. Promise number four. 6) Never break a promise to anybody again..Promise number 5.. I have 16 more here but you get my drift...I wish you well buddy. Keep venting. When you get to 50 posts you can send private messages. Feel free to mail me and I will send you my email address..Keep fighting. Losing battles is ok. Winning the war is what it is all about.. Edited April 11, 2012 by Mack05 1
SerenityNow930 Posted April 11, 2012 Posted April 11, 2012 This thread has helped me a bit today. I'm still miserable over my breakup but I can relate to a lot of what you guys are saying and learning from dating women who you knew weren't right but you tried anyway and got nowhere. 1
Author silicis n volvo Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 i relte to a lot of what you say. Like you i did leave my relationship first...and i was scared to tell her how i felt through fear of her leaving. and then yes i tried to get her back...and did for a while...untill she ended it with me. ive heard it a lot that you need to love yourself if you are ever going to truly love anyone else. But to be honest...i think of how ive been in this relationship...and how sucky i am at getting and keeping a girl i dont know how to like myself...this isnt me feeling sorry for myself...ive really sat for long periods of time and thought thi all through...but how am i supposed to learn to like myself? ive been thinking today at work that in the end...i tried hard to make her happy...compromised much more than i should have done like voicing my opinions and doing things i want to do. and she just couldnt bring herself to make the effort and didnt love me the way i loved her...so why should i contact her? why fight for someone who through my heart back in my face? if i keep thinking this way i wont contact her. but I really dont know how to start getting over it. as i dont seem to be able to enjoy ANYTHING i do right now.
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