Unsure of her feelings and what's going on

[Michaeltuesday]

Hi, this maybe long winded but I thought I'd better put all the detail.

 

I had been with my girlfriend for 7 years. For the first year we'd spent apart whilst at Uni but stayed together. After Uni we moved back home to our parents who live in the same village. A year after that she moved into my parents with me and all was okay. The following year we moved abroad for a year and had some amazing times. On returning to the UK we went back to my parents for a year. Then our first mountain came. A girl text me and I replied innocently but it really upset her and brought up all the problems in our relationship with me being selfish, unaffectionate and miserable. I told her and truly meant that I want to be with her and I'd change. We gave it another go and immediately moved into our first house together and all was bliss. Then a few months later a friend split with his wife and we offered him a home. He stated for months and all was okay but it took it's toll. After he moved out we had another few months of bliss but then hit a financial wall. A different friend moved in after a split with his long term girlfriend. This took a heavier toll and we really weren't any better financially off. So we decided that we'd move into his house for a few months to save some money. Then we hit rock bottom as I turned into the person I was two years ago... Miserable, unaffectionate and unmotivated. She then 3 weeks ago said she needed space. I gave her a letter explaining how I felt and what I wanted from us and left her to get space. A week later we split. Get choice but I accepted it and said it's not what I want and that id work on my changes. The worst was due to transport issues with work she couldnt move out of my friends so I did. There is 100% nothing going on with him or anyone else. Anyway, a week later she text me asking whether I'd changed our Facebook status as it wasn't showing. I hadn't, and she said it was nothing and then made a few polite conversations and left it at that. The next day I helped her some work of hers to show selflessness, and did so without seeing her. She thanked me. Then two days ago she text me to meet and I agreed. It was obvious that in the meeting her mind hadnt changed but she said and showed signs of promise. She said she still loves me, that we should take the break slow and that she'd been down alot about all aspects of her life. Then yesterday, I left her some nice pick me up presents to just be nice with a short note saying I cared and that I wanted to show it. She then text me saying she's in a better place now, she's not sad and that I should concentrate on myself. Ouch. The next morning she apologised for the text and that she didn't want to keep upsetting me and that she was worried we were in different places.

 

That's it. I really would like opinions on what you think she's thinking, what needs to happen next, what I reply in the text and whether it is over and just some advice. Again, thought id put as much detail as possible.

[69ways]

Hi, this maybe long winded but I thought I'd better put all the detail.

 

I had been with my girlfriend for 7 years. For the first year we'd spent apart whilst at Uni but stayed together. After Uni we moved back home to our parents who live in the same village. A year after that she moved into my parents with me and all was okay. The following year we moved abroad for a year and had some amazing times. On returning to the UK we went back to my parents for a year. Then our first mountain came. A girl text me and I replied innocently but it really upset her and brought up all the problems in our relationship with me being selfish, unaffectionate and miserable. I told her and truly meant that I want to be with her and I'd change. We gave it another go and immediately moved into our first house together and all was bliss. Then a few months later a friend split with his wife and we offered him a home. He stated for months and all was okay but it took it's toll. After he moved out we had another few months of bliss but then hit a financial wall. A different friend moved in after a split with his long term girlfriend. This took a heavier toll and we really weren't any better financially off. So we decided that we'd move into his house for a few months to save some money. Then we hit rock bottom as I turned into the person I was two years ago... Miserable, unaffectionate and unmotivated. She then 3 weeks ago said she needed space. I gave her a letter explaining how I felt and what I wanted from us and left her to get space. A week later we split. Get choice but I accepted it and said it's not what I want and that id work on my changes. The worst was due to transport issues with work she couldnt move out of my friends so I did. There is 100% nothing going on with him or anyone else. Anyway, a week later she text me asking whether I'd changed our Facebook status as it wasn't showing. I hadn't, and she said it was nothing and then made a few polite conversations and left it at that. The next day I helped her some work of hers to show selflessness, and did so without seeing her. She thanked me. Then two days ago she text me to meet and I agreed. It was obvious that in the meeting her mind hadnt changed but she said and showed signs of promise. She said she still loves me, that we should take the break slow and that she'd been down alot about all aspects of her life. Then yesterday, I left her some nice pick me up presents to just be nice with a short note saying I cared and that I wanted to show it. She then text me saying she's in a better place now, she's not sad and that I should concentrate on myself. Ouch. The next morning she apologised for the text and that she didn't want to keep upsetting me and that she was worried we were in different places.

 

That's it. I really would like opinions on what you think she's thinking, what needs to happen next, what I reply in the text and whether it is over and just some advice. Again, thought id put as much detail as possible.

 

Ok m8, sorry you going through this as theres nothing worse than an unstable person.

 

Not knowing her feelings means instability to me.

 

Two choices:

1.Keep contact be there for her, give her the chance to get over you slowly but painfully, for you that is......there is minimum chances for her coming back this way....

 

2.NC, just ignore her, let her miss you, let her wonder, take time to make yourself better in all aspects and when she likes to meet, dont give in from the first time, play it cool.

NC is not to get her back, is to make you heal.

When the time comes for her to want you back, there a good chance to that, make sure the skeletons re out of the closet and you solve the issues between you

[Michaeltuesday]

Thanks for that. I had thought about the NC and was doing well until yesterday and then I buckled. It's obvious it can work, but it is hard to believe at the minute.

 

I shall indeed take your advice and apply NC!

[HeavyHitter]

Hi, this maybe long winded but I thought I'd better put all the detail.

 

I had been with my girlfriend for 7 years. For the first year we'd spent apart whilst at Uni but stayed together. After Uni we moved back home to our parents who live in the same village. A year after that she moved into my parents with me and all was okay. The following year we moved abroad for a year and had some amazing times. On returning to the UK we went back to my parents for a year. Then our first mountain came. A girl text me and I replied innocently but it really upset her and brought up all the problems in our relationship with me being selfish, unaffectionate and miserable. I told her and truly meant that I want to be with her and I'd change. We gave it another go and immediately moved into our first house together and all was bliss. Then a few months later a friend split with his wife and we offered him a home. He stated for months and all was okay but it took it's toll. After he moved out we had another few months of bliss but then hit a financial wall. A different friend moved in after a split with his long term girlfriend. This took a heavier toll and we really weren't any better financially off. So we decided that we'd move into his house for a few months to save some money. Then we hit rock bottom as I turned into the person I was two years ago... Miserable, unaffectionate and unmotivated. She then 3 weeks ago said she needed space. I gave her a letter explaining how I felt and what I wanted from us and left her to get space. A week later we split. Get choice but I accepted it and said it's not what I want and that id work on my changes. The worst was due to transport issues with work she couldnt move out of my friends so I did. There is 100% nothing going on with him or anyone else. Anyway, a week later she text me asking whether I'd changed our Facebook status as it wasn't showing. I hadn't, and she said it was nothing and then made a few polite conversations and left it at that. The next day I helped her some work of hers to show selflessness, and did so without seeing her. She thanked me. Then two days ago she text me to meet and I agreed. It was obvious that in the meeting her mind hadnt changed but she said and showed signs of promise. She said she still loves me, that we should take the break slow and that she'd been down alot about all aspects of her life. Then yesterday, I left her some nice pick me up presents to just be nice with a short note saying I cared and that I wanted to show it. She then text me saying she's in a better place now, she's not sad and that I should concentrate on myself. Ouch. The next morning she apologised for the text and that she didn't want to keep upsetting me and that she was worried we were in different places.

 

That's it. I really would like opinions on what you think she's thinking, what needs to happen next, what I reply in the text and whether it is over and just some advice. Again, thought id put as much detail as possible.

 

Cease contact with her.

 

Are you sure she isn't sleeping with your friend? Because all there is here is her breaking it off with you with no real reason, which usually means another man is in the background.

[69ways]

Thanks for that. I had thought about the NC and was doing well until yesterday and then I buckled. It's obvious it can work, but it is hard to believe at the minute.

 

I shall indeed take your advice and apply NC!

 

M8 I have been there, 14 months I got dragged down the road with her been unsure.Last month she told she slept with someone else, knowing her , she is over me.

Why?

 

Because I was stupid enough to pick up the phone each time she called, managed 65 days of NC.....

 

NC is just easy as hell now but its too late to consider ever been together again....

 

Yes you are panicking but trust me, each time you speak to her you are pushing her away....

 

If she is really f..... your m8, my friend you dont need me to tell you to stay away from s.... like her...all the guys in the world she had to pick your m8....says a lot....

[Michaeltuesday]

100% not or anyone else. I understand her reasons but it's difficult to see how she has given up and that she is unhappier (although I think she's confused as what will make her happy and if she is actually happier or not).

[HeavyHitter]

100% not or anyone else. I understand her reasons but it's difficult to see how she has given up and that she is unhappier (although I think she's confused as what will make her happy and if she is actually happier or not).

 

Since she wants to play hardball, then you need to play with cement.

 

No contact whatsovever but you need to find out if she's screwing him. She should've moved out if she wanted to end things, not you.

[69ways]

Since she wants to play hardball, then you need to play with cement.

 

No contact whatsovever but you need to find out if she's screwing him. She should've moved out if she wanted to end things, not you.

 

Sounds fishy to me also, me and HeavyHitter are on the same advice track

[Michaeltuesday]

I can swear she is not screwing him, I promise!

 

I understand about the moving and you're right, but by getting her to move out I'm ruining any future chance as it would turn bitter.

[HeavyHitter]

I can swear she is not screwing him, I promise!

 

And how do you know this? Have you kept close surveillance on her? If so, how? If you're so confident that she's 100% not seeing another man then where's the evidence?

 

I understand about the moving and you're right, but by getting her to move out I'm ruining any future chance as it would turn bitter.

 

You mean that if you didn't suck up to her like a puppy she would've been bitter about it? You gotta stop caring about her feelings right now since she's showing you and telling you that she basically does not care for you right now. Pursuing her when you're receiving no love in return makes you look somewhat of a doormat, and I do not mean that as an insult. You need to start looking after you right now. If she wanted to work this out she would be talking to you instead of acting like a whiny brat. I wouldn't be surprised if you found out she doing something she has no business doing with your "friend." Think about it: He just got out of a long-term relationship and she's ultimately tired of you. They both might use that as a justification to screw around, especially that you're out the house.

[Michaeltuesday]

Oh trust me, it is peculiar but it isn't happening. They have absolutely no way it ever would.

[Michaeltuesday]

69 ways, I'm sorry you had that pain for 14 months, it must of been horrible.

[Michaeltuesday]

I was thinking that if she truly had decided it is over, would she not:

 

1. Give me the £500 she owes
   
2. Move out of the house immediately
   
3. Not tell me three times since "I still love you"
   
4. Text me twice
   
5. Ask me to meet
   
6. The day we broke up, make a point of coming into the pub she knew I was in
   
7. Yesterday, I popped to the house after my friend said she was out. He text her saying I'd popped in for ten minutes and she came back and disappeared upstairs and text him saying "I've nowhere to go" when she could of quite easily gone anywhere, shops, coffee shop or supermarket for at least ten minutes. Would she not ignore me at all costs?
   

Thoughts on the previous and this would be great please.

[dv123]

Hi,i feel for you bro I really do as im going through the same thing as you. I was with my girlfriend for 7 years and she ended it saying she was unsure of her feelings. We have now been apart for 3months and like you she has text me twice and asked me out for dinner two weeks ago. This is their way of not fully letting go and obviously after a long relationship there are still feelings. Im now in a frame of mind of 'it took a big decision to leave me and i didnt deserve that so why should I chase her'..like you I laid my cards on the table, admitted what I could have done better (without begging) and i am now happy that I tried 100% to show her that I wanted her. Whether things ever work out I dont know but she left ME. In your case I would do the same, dont contact her (i know its hard) but this is the only way she can get her head straight. She'll remember the good times after all the hurt has started to fade.

[69ways]

69 ways, I'm sorry you had that pain for 14 months, it must of been horrible.

 

Yes m8 it was, I mean it was partially my fault for been so sympathised with her depression....her bd tomorrow guess is not sending a txt

[Michaeltuesday]

Appreciate your comments.

 

Now, I'm 31, I'm not completely stupid and I am quite good in depth at reading peoples emotions and body language (been in sales before for a while).

 

I have had relationships before so I understand the break up procedure from both scales. Now being 31 and more mature I'd thought I would understand quite clearly when it's over. When it's over it's over. I think what people have said added with her behaviour has tainted my logic but after I now won't take what people say as how it is and what she feels and also a small amount of time has passed, I am left confused.

 

My personal thoughts on it and what may be going on are:

 

1. Is she going through a sort of life change where she wants more and a better life and by getting me out of it temporarily she can clear her head and hope that afterwards I'm still around.

 

2. Testing whether I actually want to be her by giving ME time as she thinks from my behaviour I don't and she is now taking this time for me to sort myself out.

 

3. She's putting a face on all of it whilst she confused and by me going to my parents and back to the village, I'm safe from moving on, behaving, she knows where I am. When I met her the other day she seemed perturbed by the fact I'd gone to a mates one night, potentially moving in with someone she doesn't know.

 

4. Friends. Now, her two close friends told me directly without prompt not to move on, just carrying on and get my motivation back as thats whats she wants. They kept telling me it's not over over and to just find me again and it could work in the end as lots of friends have got together after a break. The fringe friends and her Mum said its over and move on. See how I'm confused!

 

5. Her words. Yes she's broke it off and yes she says we are in different places but... she said she still loves me, to take things slow, and she keeps saying "whatever happens", she text me about FB, wanted to meet and is going out her way to bump into ME!

 

More to take in, but relevant. Thoughts.

[Michaeltuesday]

An update...

 

After all that she now seems intent on going in all the places I do! We met for the first time last night while separately being with friends. I was big and said hello then 10 minutes later she came to talk to me. Usual stuff, what we've been up to and then she brought up how hard it's going to be for her. When I started talking about it she made excuses and left. Then when I got home she text me saying "I know you dont think it but it's the hardest time for me too."

 

What on earth is going on?!?