Toru Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Hey guys and girls, My relationship ended about 6 weeks ago, and I am not able to say I have healed a lot over that time. It was my first relationship, that lasted 4 years, and the first time she sat on my lap and I put my arms around her, I knew I never wanted to let go. This has become a long post for which I apologize. I appreciate anyone taking the time to read it and give his comments. Why today is such a tough day has a pretty long background story. We had a difficult relationship for most of the time. We didn't see each other very often because she studied 2 hours away on the weekdays. I tried to visit her when I could and in the weekends we saw each other a lot. We each gave each other space and rarely denied the other an opportunity for partying, or what have you. What made our relationship difficult is that her studies weren't going all that well and this really acted out on her body. She is a perfectionist who studied musical theatre and this gave her a lot of stress-related stomach aches. She also had difficulty coping with the people and the atmosphere of the theatre sector and I knew from day one this was not the direction her life should be heading in. But I allowed her to pursue her dreams, as I knew she would resent herself forever had she not tried. She is on the whole a pretty closed person, contrary to myself who shares a lot when he likes someone. I tried initiating a lot of conversations about how she feels, and sometimes we had a really great time just talking in bed. I saw that she had difficulty finding herself, but as her boyfriend who loved her so much, I tried to give her space and allow her to make (good) friends, which she lacks. It may sound like we had a bad relationship but when it was good, I thought it was real good. Everytime we took a weekend for ourselves and went somewhere (Paris, Barcelona, ...), we had an awesome time. Great conversations, great sex, great love. I realise it was mostly a relationship where I waited for her to fall on her feet and we could spend more time together. But I was content with how it was and I was prepared to wait. I really love this girl as she has a lot of qualities that really appeal to me. Her incredible drive to accomplish her dreams, her class, the way she let me live my own life, etc. 4 months ago, she got the news she was being kicked out of school. They didn't see enough promise and didn't think she could let go enough (perfectionist nature biting her in the ass ). After almost 3 years of hard work, her dreams were shattered. She took it really hard, which I understood completely, and cried a lot. I tried being the supportive boyfriend, listening to her, letting her cry on my shoulder, making lists with jobs I thought she would be great in. It was hard on me as well because I didn't get a lot back. She got a bit colder, sent less loving texts and her sex drive which was already low was even less now. But I blamed it on the fact she was still so shook up from leaving her school. I imagined myself going through such devastating news and having to start all over after 3 years of studies and I think I would have reacted the same way. This was just a hard time for our relationship and I had confidence in the fact we could get back on track once she got over the dissapointment. When I was on holiday in Dubai early february, I didn't receive any texts saying she misses me. I asked her through chat why she was being so cold to me and she replied: "I'm worried I have so little need to have sex." I asked her if this was just a general thing or she doubted being attracted to me. She said she didn't know. This kinda ruined a few days of my holiday. When I got back home we talked about it some more. What it eventually boiled down to was her saying she wanted the sex to be different. More exciting, more passionate and harder. I said, great I want that too. But she didn't think she could accept this from me anymore. I probably had become too good of a friend to her, which caused her sexual feelings for me to change. I just thought she was having it really tough and I didn't want to initiate passionate lovemaking because she felt so bad and cried so much. You can't really bend her over the kitchen table when she was just crying a couple of minutes ago. I tried writing her sexy messages and initiating some rougher action a few months ago, but she ignored it, and even laughed about my texts. This really hurt me. All this was really a surprise to me because she seldom came across as a very sexual person. On weekends and holidays, she was noticeably more passionate and into things. The night she said those things to me, we had sex, which was passionate and she enjoyed it. We were supposed to go on a skitrip with another couple the next week and I told her I didn't want to go. I go skiing every year and this was the first time she would come with me. I've always wanted a skiing gf so I was really looking forward to this trip and I didn't want it to be awkward. She said the fresh air and new environment would probably do us good so we decided to go. First two days I was so happy. In the car she was rubbing my leg, we cuddled, we kissed. All initiated by her. She was a skiing talent, which set my heart ablaze. I thought, okay, we can work on this and she is willing to. The other couple, which are two of our best friends, said to don't worry. That she's clearly still in love with me and we're just going through a rough patch like every couple goes through. Even though I still felt something was wrong, my mind was set at ease. The second night we took a sauna together and we were the loving couple we always were. Later that night I said I was a bit confused because her actions, which I loved, were not in accordance with what she said a week ago. An hour of "I don't know", "I see more disadvantages than advantages", "The feeling isn't there anymore" and "You've been to sweet and you don't deserve me", she ended it with me. My world was shattered. Everybody was dumbstruck. This was so unexpected, and that she would end it on a skitrip far away from home was just... After a good talk the next night, I held her in my arms the last time. Next morning I went back home with the train, and left her and my friends in Austria. I visited her parents the next day, because there was still a lot of stuff at her home. They didn't understand also. She said nothing to her parents, never. They didn't know how she felt, about her studies, about me. And everytime she did say something she would cry. The relationship I had with her parents was a really good one. They liked me a lot and appreciated all the things I did for her. I got a lot of support from them which felt good. Her dad called me a week after saying that all she does is cry and stay in her room. And he didn't think this was normal because he thought when you break up with someone you should be at least a bit relieved. Her grandma was absolutely devastated when she heard the news. She was mad at her for breaking it up after not even trying. And when my gf was crying about her failing in school, she said it was just school and that she didn't understand that the she ended it with the one guy who was always there for her and who would have supported her through these difficult times. Apparently my ex also said that I was so successful in life (One college degree, second one coming up, good friends, etc.) and she was such a failure. (failure is an event, not a person!) I had very limited contact (2 times via chat) with her for the next two weeks after she got back from Austria. She said she needed time and space to find herself, and that she couldn't give me what she knew I deserved. She still loves me and hopes in the future we can jump to the stars together. But being in a relationship is apparently too hard on her right now. And I also think she was not at ease with me being the one boyfriend she would ever have, and felt too confined so early in her life. She also said she feels we haven't quite gotten everything out of the relationship which is absolutely true. Now that she's back home we could have seen each other so much more, partying together, trips. Just enjoying each other, which we never really had the chance to do. That's what I find hard, that I haven't gotten my confirmation yet, if she's the one and that she feels the same way. Every time her grandma or her parents ask about me she starts crying. But when friends of mine talked to her when we were at the same event (7 days ago) and just saw each other from a distance (been NC for more than 4 weeks now) she said it was awkward seeing me. So many mixed signals. I told her before I went on a conference in Canada that she should put my stuff in the mailbox, or leave it with my parents. She called my mother a day before I got back, asking her when I came back and saying it was too difficult emotionally to come and drop off my stuff that evening. She was crying on the phone. (9-10 days ago) I have been reading the forums a lot and I presume this is a classic case of GIGS. The mixed signals, the living another life after the break up. It's hard because I know she will crash. Tomorrow she'll be 21 and she has nothing in her life going for her at the moment. Which hurts me a lot because I love her so much and I just want her to be happy with herself and her life. I've never really suffered from GIGS (yet). I love her, I think she's stunning, she's the most beautiful girl in the world to me. And if this would have been it, I would have been more than okay with that. But I can kinda understand that other people think otherwise, yet it hurts like freaking hell. Why is today such a tough day for me? Tomorrow is her birthday and I was planning on giving her a birthday party tonight with her grandma who owns a bar. I was really looking forward to this night because in my mind we could have danced together (we both love to do this and didn't do this often enough because of her school), had a party with all of her friends, mutual friends and family. We could have rekindled the flame a bit in my eyes and it's not every day your gf becomes 21. I had bought her a lot of presents. They are now just in my closet and it kills me that I can't make her happy by giving them tonight. Her grandma didn't want to give the party at first because she only wanted to give it when I was there. Eventually she (grandma) caved when her parents told her to not do it for her (my ex) but for them. I'm going to see the grandma tomorrow after the party, because she wanted too see me. Some of my friends are also going to be there tonight. I wanted to be there so bad. With here, as my gf. Dancing, having fun, her becoming 21 which is kinda an important date in your life. I hate this. I think I'm gonna tell the grandma tomorrow I won't be coming over for a while. This NC is apparently the best solution and the less I hear from her and she hears from me, the better. It will probably break the grandma's heart, so I don't know how to tell her. Sorry for the huge post. This has been pretty therapeutic and I noticed just talking about it, reading about it and analyzing mine and other situations is pretty helpful. I also know I'm supposed to work on myself and seek a lot diversion but that's hard. I really enjoy being in a relationship, sharing my life and making other people happy. That's where I get my happiness from most I think. And I can't really seek diversion because all I should be doing now is studying and writing a dissortation which is just sitting behind a computer and not ideal in times like these. Thanks for reading. I know I'm not alone.
blindesided Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 You are not alone - We feel your pain. I wish I could offer comfort but it sounds like NC is the best thing. I am sorry today you will be missing a big milestone for her that you were planning for so long. Do you have other friends you can be with that wont be at the party. I know it seems like you might want to be alone - but being around friends (even if you cant stop thinking about her) helps a bit. Even if they ake your mind off her just for a minute - You can get through this. I am not sure she has GIGS but you guys are so young - it might be better if she goes out and experiences other things - if it was meant to be - it was meant to be - Time will tell
Author Toru Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 You are not alone - We feel your pain. I wish I could offer comfort but it sounds like NC is the best thing. I am sorry today you will be missing a big milestone for her that you were planning for so long. Do you have other friends you can be with that wont be at the party. I know it seems like you might want to be alone - but being around friends (even if you cant stop thinking about her) helps a bit. Even if they ake your mind off her just for a minute - You can get through this. I am not sure she has GIGS but you guys are so young - it might be better if she goes out and experiences other things - if it was meant to be - it was meant to be - Time will tell Well, i'm probably going karting tonight and after that playing some games with friends. Hopefully that will get my mind off things. I was looking forward to her turning 21 so much, and then we just didn't make it. Thank you for your comment blindesided. Really helped a lot!
Author Toru Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 Okay, the party is going on. I am with friends, but it still really sucks not being able to be there. Should I send her a text now or do I wait until its 5pm?
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