volkl1996 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I have never been good at ending a relationship. If you read this thread you will see my current situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/316086-12-months-post-seperation-divorced-now-dating-having-odd-emotions-4.html#post3896580 I have been honest with her. I do like her, I simply am not ready for everything she wants. So how the heck do you end a relationship the polite and kind way anyway?
wibe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 That is very interesting. I think it depends on both, how strong and what kid of the relationship you have.
smudge21 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 The fact you are concerned about how to break up with someone shows you still care and for that reason, although it will be bad for both of you, I reckon whatever you do, it will work out okay. Compare that to the way some people on here get dumped from uncaring a-holes. There is no easy way to do this as you are breaking someone's heart, but all I can suggest is to be as honest and open as possible. When I did it a few years back I felt terrible and was nervous throughout that entire day. I know for weeks afterwards it still affected me (although it hurt her more). I made it clear I would stay away but also that I was happy to talk things through if need be. That was a while ago now and we are still friends so I guess I did something right. My thought process throughout it all was simply that I had to end this as otherwise I was living a lie and that was unfair and could cause more problems in the long term. Good luck.
Author volkl1996 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks I am trying to not reply to her..yet I see her hurting and she also seems to think time will help us. I have been an anxious mess..not sleeping, stomach girgling... Maybe time will help, my guess is it will not. She is a great person..my friends think she is great too..there is just something I cannot put my finger on that is causing me to feel distant. I do notknwo if it's her, me, both, etc.
flitzanu Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks I am trying to not reply to her..yet I see her hurting and she also seems to think time will help us. I have been an anxious mess..not sleeping, stomach girgling... Maybe time will help, my guess is it will not. She is a great person..my friends think she is great too..there is just something I cannot put my finger on that is causing me to feel distant. I do notknwo if it's her, me, both, etc. i sincerely feel you on that one. i've had to be in this position a couple times myself. the girls were great, but just something was "off". it does hurt a lot, and for me, if you're not dealing with it yet....be prepared to deal with the "just come hold me" texts or anything related. that's where you really have to be strong and keep your distance and don't let them get physically wrapped up with you again. showing them affection only "proves" to them that you want them, so you need to avoid it. 1
Author volkl1996 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 i sincerely feel you on that one. i've had to be in this position a couple times myself. the girls were great, but just something was "off". it does hurt a lot, and for me, if you're not dealing with it yet....be prepared to deal with the "just come hold me" texts or anything related. that's where you really have to be strong and keep your distance and don't let them get physically wrapped up with you again. showing them affection only "proves" to them that you want them, so you need to avoid it. Yeah, I just got a text asking if she can come see me for an hour tonight. Which means hugging, then sex. I use the word "off" too; I wish I could put my finger on it. My friends think I am crazy and they describe her physically as a 10 and think she is cool and a lot of fun.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 You tell her exactly why it isnt working for you. That way she doesnt have to wonder. You tell her that you arent ready to commit yet you want to play the field, whatever. She will try to beg you to work it out, but you have to tell her that this doesnt help her case. Tell her not to wait for you because you wont be going back. Then you tell her you cant talk anymore, and you cut her off. She needs you to cut her off so that she doesnt hear from you and have hope. If you keep speaking to her afterwards, it will be torture for her. BTW if you are trying to find a way that it will be painless for her, there is no way. She's going to hurt regardless. Really the only way that you could make her not like you anymore is to become the opposite of what she likes. Dont bathe, play video games all day, dont be ambitious, treat her bad, and maybe in a year she will lose interest and give up on you. But thats if you have a year to invest.
Author volkl1996 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 You tell her exactly why it isnt working for you. That way she doesnt have to wonder. You tell her that you arent ready to commit yet you want to play the field, whatever. She will try to beg you to work it out, but you have to tell her that this doesnt help her case. Tell her not to wait for you because you wont be going back. Then you tell her you cant talk anymore, and you cut her off. She needs you to cut her off so that she doesnt hear from you and have hope. If you keep speaking to her afterwards, it will be torture for her. BTW if you are trying to find a way that it will be painless for her, there is no way. She's going to hurt regardless. Really the only way that you could make her not like you anymore is to become the opposite of what she likes. Dont bathe, play video games all day, dont be ambitious, treat her bad, and maybe in a year she will lose interest and give up on you. But thats if you have a year to invest. Well, I have asked her to change a lot, and she has, which is controlling, which I do not like. I do not want to control her. So it's difficult to say "why" now other than it just does not feel right and I am having anxiety and stress over the relationship.
EgoJoe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 There is no nice way to break up. But, there is a right way. Tell the unflinching truth and cut ties completely for a long time.
flitzanu Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Yeah, I just got a text asking if she can come see me for an hour tonight. Which means hugging, then sex. I use the word "off" too; I wish I could put my finger on it. My friends think I am crazy and they describe her physically as a 10 and think she is cool and a lot of fun. could be the coolest hottest chick in the world, but if something doesn't feel right, and causes you stress, maybe you just aren't clicking. especially if you said you feel controlling, it makes it sound like she has mannerisms that don't jive with you, so maybe that's the problem? people try to accomodate, but they never change into what we feel fits best for us. knowhutimean? 1
SilverBlueAndGold Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 could be the coolest hottest chick in the world, but if something doesn't feel right, and causes you stress, maybe you just aren't clicking. especially if you said you feel controlling, it makes it sound like she has mannerisms that don't jive with you, so maybe that's the problem? people try to accomodate, but they never change into what we feel fits best for us. knowhutimean? There is a lot of wisdom here, I can relate to this in a big way. My ex was very nice looking and for the most part had a sweet attitude. But she had a way of making me feel uneasy and I could never quite put my finger on what it was. Well, towards the end I realized it was probably the fear that I never knew if her next text would be "I love you" or "I never want to see you again" (yes it was that psycho) 1
Author volkl1996 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 could be the coolest hottest chick in the world, but if something doesn't feel right, and causes you stress, maybe you just aren't clicking. especially if you said you feel controlling, it makes it sound like she has mannerisms that don't jive with you, so maybe that's the problem? people try to accomodate, but they never change into what we feel fits best for us. knowhutimean? Yup, I do know what you mean and I think you are spot on. I do not want to change her...
Author volkl1996 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 There is a lot of wisdom here, I can relate to this in a big way. My ex was very nice looking and for the most part had a sweet attitude. But she had a way of making me feel uneasy and I could never quite put my finger on what it was. Well, towards the end I realized it was probably the fear that I never knew if her next text would be "I love you" or "I never want to see you again" (yes it was that psycho) Wow, you hit a homerun with me on this one. She has sent me texts in UPPERCASE telling me she cannot see me anymore, that she cannot do this, that she feels liek an option for me me, that she needs to see me more and more..tells me she has taken her anxiety pills and that I need to check on her in an hour...tells me she is not sleeping, she is sick...then less than 2-3 hours later I will gets texts and emails apologizing.
flitzanu Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Yup, I do know what you mean and I think you are spot on. I do not want to change her... i think we have kindred situations. honestly the two times i've had to do this, they still ended roughly. girls don't want to believe that there's "nothing" wrong and will still assume there's a tangible reason when there isn't. but with a little distance and perseverance i've maintained friendships with them, so fair warning, you're always going to have a tough time making her believe you and the reasons. it sucks. especially when you just want to do what's best for both of you at the moment.
Kaotic Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think the nicest thing you can do is to be 100% honest and up front about how you feel and why an what's going on. I think that when people are in a relationship that is what they owe each other in the end, just some honesty.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Wow, you hit a homerun with me on this one. She has sent me texts in UPPERCASE telling me she cannot see me anymore, that she cannot do this, that she feels liek an option for me me, that she needs to see me more and more..tells me she has taken her anxiety pills and that I need to check on her in an hour...tells me she is not sleeping, she is sick...then less than 2-3 hours later I will gets texts and emails apologizing. Dude you cant say you just dont "click". You have to find the specific reasons and tell her. Thats the only way she can improve herself. You have a reason here, tell her that, tell her that you dont want to change who she is, but you just dont desire her as her natural self, and you dont want to keep trying to change her.
Author volkl1996 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Dude you cant say you just dont "click". You have to find the specific reasons and tell her. Thats the only way she can improve herself. You have a reason here, tell her that, tell her that you dont want to change who she is, but you just dont desire her as her natural self, and you dont want to keep trying to change her. Thanks I have done exactly that, again today even. I repeatedly tell her I do not want to change her, that I am not ready for the same relationship she is, that our timing is off. I have not said we do not click. I told her she wants a more intense relationship than I do. She responds by stating she has no expectations of me, that she knows how I feel, that we will talk more in a week.
flitzanu Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Dude you cant say you just dont "click". You have to find the specific reasons and tell her. Thats the only way she can improve herself. You have a reason here, tell her that, tell her that you dont want to change who she is, but you just dont desire her as her natural self, and you dont want to keep trying to change her. implying she needs to improve herself insinuates she is somehow "broken", does it not? if two people don't get along or don't have that spark, it doesn't mean one is broken, it means they aren't compatible. unless i'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say. i just don't believe pointing out some flaw and saying "you need to improve this" is the best approach?
water4150 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 IMO... The nicest bu are the ones that hurt the most and take more time to heal from Bad, nasty, ugly, bu with a lot of yelling and all that stuff...I think you can heal and move on from them faster since you are driven and fueled by anger. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) implying she needs to improve herself insinuates she is somehow "broken", does it not? if two people don't get along or don't have that spark, it doesn't mean one is broken, it means they aren't compatible. unless i'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say. i just don't believe pointing out some flaw and saying "you need to improve this" is the best approach? Well in his case its pretty easy, she was too emotionally available, emotionally dependent, no challenge for him, and it kinda turned him off...according to his other thread. In fact other posters saw her as too smothering, as she is too affectionate in public, and he doesnt like that. Also she wears makeup that makes her look "orangy". His main reason, when he tells her he doesnt want to see her, she turns up the heat and texts more, brings stuff to his house. Volk, you've already told her why, you have to either draw better boundaries with her, or make a clean break, meaning, dont take her calls. You already know that you dont want to be with her after conversing with other women. You have to put your foot down and either be a lil more controlling about how she communicates with you, or stop talking to her entirely. Edited March 29, 2012 by Eddie Edirol
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 IMO... The nicest bu are the ones that hurt the most and take more time to heal from Bad, nasty, ugly, bu with a lot of yelling and all that stuff...I think you can heal and move on from them faster since you are driven and fueled by anger. You couldnt have said a truer statement - I wish there was fights and meanness and anger - but nope just a fabulous guy who decided I wasnt "the one" - That hurts a hell of alot.
Author volkl1996 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Well, after telling her 3-4 times over the past 2-3 weeks, and finally ignoring texts and emails, I think she has "heard" me. Edited April 2, 2012 by volkl1996
flitzanu Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Well in his case its pretty easy, she was too emotionally available, emotionally dependent, no challenge for him, and it kinda turned him off...according to his other thread. In fact other posters saw her as too smothering, as she is too affectionate in public, and he doesnt like that. Also she wears makeup that makes her look "orangy". His main reason, when he tells her he doesnt want to see her, she turns up the heat and texts more, brings stuff to his house. Volk, you've already told her why, you have to either draw better boundaries with her, or make a clean break, meaning, dont take her calls. You already know that you dont want to be with her after conversing with other women. You have to put your foot down and either be a lil more controlling about how she communicates with you, or stop talking to her entirely. ah, thanks. i hadn't seen that part of the specifics.
flitzanu Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Well, after telling her 3-4 times over the past 2-3 weeks, and finally ignoring texts and emails, I think she has "heard" me. sometimes silence is the loudest. you just need to remember not to cave if she throws her emotions in your face about missing you or being sad, blah blah.
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