GF is going back for her ex husband.

[tgr172]

Long story short. 5 yr relationship that she didnt seem to be completely into (hot cold). Last summer she finally decided I was the one and things were going pretty good . That is untill she found out her ex was getting a divorce from the woman he cheated on her for. He was married to the new woman about 9 yrs.

 

Over the summer things started to change for us then it became a situation where something isnt right ( she was thinking about him) we split in the fall and the next day she was together with him. Like 4 evening a week at his house alone. Lasted for a month and a half then she came back said she got closure. She was all about me. I really believe she wanted to leave him behind but still had some affection for him. But he kept contacting her with "innocent conversation" you know Mr wounded lonely nice guy "Oh Im not trying to get in between you two Im just checking on how you are." BS txts and the such also. I seemed to tug at her heart. She would keep communication up with him but secretlyIt made me really afraid and anxious. After a few months of it I sort of gave her a peice of my mind about it. Nothing violent but I angry and very upset. POW! she left saying I had anger problems. The next day she was over there with him and now spends every free moment at his house like 9-10 hours a day 6 days a week for the past 2 mos. The whole time she tells everyone there is nothing there. She has started to expose him to a few select friends. Is talking about how wonderful life is now. #1 do you think he is just on a rebound, lonely and using her only to bail at some point?, will it work out with them?. #2 What r the chances that a woman will go back with a cheating playboy and it works. BTW we r in our early 50's. (see it doesent change as we get older guys) the guy is hansome as hell, former jet jock, great at a group of people, always center of admiration... etc.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he's the one she wants. Doesn't seem like she healed much since the divorce and may have just been playing the avoidance card. Once her chance opened up she got to avoid her feeling with you by making it out to be your fault then ran back where she wanted to be.

 

Count yourself lucky as she would have likely divorced you if you were married.... at least you get to keep your assets.

[Chi townD]

No...it sounds like YOU were the rebound guy. Sounds like she just settled for you becuase she couldn't have what she wanted. Sorry dude. You got played.

 

And to be honest, the guy sounds like a douche rocket and give it time. He'll screw her over again. Their relationship will probably not last. Once a cheater always a cheater. ALSO, once the honeymoon phase is over it still leaves her a lot of questions on why he did what he did. I see a lot of fights in their future.

 

Hopefully, by then, you would have moved on and found someone that won't play games.

[tgr172]

yes I kind of figured by the way and velocity she went to him that she was ready to explode by not seeing him. A mutual friend said he thinks the guy is lonely and his ego is hurt (particularly big ego there) so its very appealing to him. And may be using her. I dunno. However I do beat myself up over getting scared and rolling i n on her and causing the breakup. but damn, its hard to sit and see things and internalize them forever. What is the worst is she is on cloud nine. He played the game right and he wins I lose. lol

[tgr172]

Damn sounds like the title to a Hank Williams Sr. song. lol "She's nothing but a cake eating tramp and he's a man whore".

[Chi townD]

He played the game right and he wins I lose. lol

 

And what EXACTLY did he win? A girl that will jump ship given the first chance she got for a guy that screwed her over? Someone that doesn't have the courage to say "no" and realize she had a good thing? He didn't win a damn thing. All he got was the broken baggage that he dumped off on you. Sorry to be blunt. I know she was your girl. But there's a lot of women with the "balls" to stand up and not put up with that kind of behavior and will be loyal to that man they choose to stay with. They're out there, believe me. And I think that once word gets out on the streets that a "good guy" is available, you won't be lonely for long.

[tgr172]

"He didn't win a damn thing. All he got was the broken baggage that he dumped off on you."

 

Good point and be blunt Im not thin skinned. However, its the same with anyone. Very wonderful if they are into you. So its hard to see it switching to someone else. However I think philosopher was right he was her trophy guy all along. Always blamed the woman he ran off with (btw, big time military fraternization issue, but that was 9 yrs ago) as the problem and I often thought that she was blaming the wrong one. Never considered he could have stopped it before it started. So now hwe gets a "get out of jail free card". Some guys! lol

 

I am old enough to know that Nice Guys are what women say they want but you throw a charming, hansome, Top Gun type in there, they will go for him almost every time. So there is some truth to the comment Nice Guys Finish Last. lol

[Chi townD]

[quote=tgr172;3853407

I am old enough to know that Nice Guys are what women say they want but you throw a charming, hansome, Top Gun type in there, they will go for him almost every time. So there is some truth to the comment Nice Guys Finish Last. lol

 

Dude, you paint this guy as sorta hearthrob...fact is, he's a very ugly person who cheated on his wife and kicked her to the curb and married the person he was cheating on her with. Prince Charming huh... And why did his current wife leave Top Douchebag? Was he caught cheating on her as well?

 

There's a saying, They date the "bad Boys" but marry the "good guys". Which kinda sucks for us good guys because they're so frickin broken by the time they realize that bad boys are complete jackasses.

[tgr172]

I agree with your assessment of the mans virtue and charactor. Just the way I was raised I guess. As for her its the dream of the family being intact and nuclear. Big dream of hers. Our relationship was so on and off because of all that stuff that most are glad we are apart. Which sucks because the general feeling is that he had nothing to do with it. She did a good job of convincing everybody that they werent even seeing each other except to deal with kid issues. I know differently though. So I sit here not only kicked in the head but the one that was causing all the unhealthy stuff. arghhhh!

[mike588]

Ouch.. I went thru something like this recently. My ex. of one year dumped me to go back to her ex. after assuring then reassuring she would NEVER go back (but admitted she still had feelings for him)because he was cold...distant..wasn't giving her what she needed/wanted blah blah blah.

 

Like you I was the rebound guy and it hurt like hell. I went strict N.C. then 6 months later she contacts me. Like the other poster/s said you were just there until the door opened again for her to go running back to him....like mine did.

 

You don't need this and yep...she's broken baggage. Oh by the way we were both 42 yrs. old.

[M2155]

There's a saying, They date the "bad Boys" but marry the "good guys". Which kinda sucks for us good guys because they're so frickin broken by the time they realize that bad boys are complete jackasses.

 

^^I like this line.

 

OP it probably won't work out but by the time they realize it you'll be long gone. 5 years is a hell of a rebound if it was in fact that. If he was her one that got away (even if it was cheating), I guess I can see her wanting to try since like you said her heart wasn't into it. We choose not to remember the douchebagness of a person sometimes. Then the expectations Of the new relationship are too high, too fast...it's interesting to see how it goes.

 

My ex left me also for his ex. I dont know how long they were together or how they are doing now but looking back he was never into it 100%. I figure they had unfinished business or she was just the next best option if he didnt want to be with me. I think your ex will feel bad about how she did you (I agree she took the first out you gave her so she could make it your fault) but it's not on her brain right now. They are getting exactly what they want from each other right now and when they no longer are, they'll probably stay together anyway until they have someone new to run to. Sorry man, I know it's a sucky position.

[rickys]

You got played man. She is still attracted towards that man. Sorry, but he won her from you. All you can do now is to forget about her and start a new life..............

[tgr172]

Actually I like the perspectives offered. While it hurts hearing some of the advice. Particularly from the female perspective. Ie she is getting what she wants and will prob stay with him after the honeymoon wears off. My fears are that will be the case. Like I said her dream is to have the family scene back together and will at this point throw herself at him and offer him as the dream guy. He is successful and impressive and as often happens with that personality type , he is an all about me guy so she is really playing into that ego thing… particularly after getting his wings clipped by his latest ex. Both get what they want. In hindsight her and I did have a tumultuous relationship. Like I said before I could never really get her to fully take me on board but she never dated anyone else. She was always searching for some personal goal, has probably 1000 personal help books etc. And we would split when she wanted to achieve some self fulfillment and I became bottom of her priority list, I would complain and she would get angry and Id get frustrated and we would split. After several months she would appreciate who I was to her and we would get back together. Over and over again. Funny thing is is that we ALWAYS would see each other and feel like we were home and comfortable. Some soul connection. Never felt that before… and she always admitted it also. Again it all came together last May. After 4yrs she really felt that I was her priority and things were smooth. Then her ex became avail so I suppose that started her thinking. She stayed the course and was focused on me but as previously mentioned I became worried and mostly caused the problem. Now this is what hurts, somehow I feel that my actions this time freed her to run back to him. So I suppose its regret that I am dealing with now.

 

Back to the point. The perspective that she is broken goods, not worth my time and he has no values or virtue (which he doesn’t) actually helps my recovery more than anything.

 

Am I making any sense? [/sIZE][/FONT]

Edited March 2, 2012 by tgr172

[Chi townD]

The one thing that you NEED to understand is that this was NOT YOUR FAULT!! You're actions didn't make her run back to her Ex. That was a choice that SHE made. It was selfish, and it was cruel. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. You stood by her for four years and this is how she repays you? To run back as soon as her Ex was available?

 

Dude, you deserve better. Stop beating yourself up. You DO have self worth and self value. There's something good there because she hooked up with you in the first place.

 

But, now it's time to get real. Start working on yourself! Go out and get a new haircut and buy a new wardrobe. Everything new. A fresh start. Get a membership to a gym and start going. Run on the treadmill and push weight. It's a great way to relieve stress and work out frustrations. Plus, it helps to keep you healthy and get a rockin bod. Get a hobby, a new one. Join a club in your community. Co-ed softball team with your local Park District, join one. It's a great way to get out and meet new people. Also, I'm a huge advocate for traveling. Go somewhere, take some buddies with you. Make a plan and go! For instance, I went white water rafting with a couple of friends in West Virginia. It was an amazing time! And something I will never forget. Life is short, dude. There's a whole world out there. Go see it!

[tgr172]

"The one thing that you NEED to understand is that this was NOT YOUR FAULT!! You're actions didn't make her run back to her Ex. That was a choice that SHE made. It was selfish, and it was cruel. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. You stood by her for four years and this is how she repays you? To run back as soon as her Ex was available?"

 

^^ Like This^^

 

Great statement. And the consolation I have is that I seriously doubt if her ex had been back then he would not have stuck with her through all that stuff. He most likely would have baled during those times. I think it was her going through Menopause (sp?) so you can immagine.

 

Whats great about this place is I can hide behind the net and wail and be emotional. I would never ever let it out to anyone in person. Just act strong and in control. Good to release it and get some thoughts. Huge help. Mornings seem to be the worst. You know wake up and suddenly realize that person is out of your life... that you are not important to them. By the end of the day it gets better. I go out often just to not sit at home alone. But sometimes it feels the same even if Im surrounded by other people. Energy level is pretty low from stress and my face is starting to strongly show the effects of not only age (57) but stress.

 

I am pretty much of a family man. Love family/togetherness thing. Chores cutting grass bikerides., get togethers etc... simple stuff. Hate Bars unless im with my partner but love meeting people. More of a one on one conversationalist as opposed to center of attention. Also an one woman guy. But finding that one woman has been problamitical. Am seeing a gorgeous woman now who is totally into me but man I just cant get into her, love talking but sex or closeness isnt there. Still down over recent stuff. Have done the right ting and let her know I am not emotionally avail now but loved her company. Hope Im not hurting her.

 

BTW I agree about a hobby. Always had one but havent lately. I do the gym 4 days a week. sort of thin... 6'1" 190. Gotta eat though. the appitite is the first to go when I get bummed. Been bummed for 2 mos. When I was younger and into kayacking, I did the upper gauly in WV. That was one wild ride!!! I hear it kills ~ 3 people a year.

 

It does seem that she is not comming back. Sort of get the impression that she sees me as a problem to be avoided. I havent been pursuing her or anything for over a month but from the way I get rolled in on by those she talks to you would think I am that petewrson guy or something. Stuff like he needs to move on, Im not available to him, etc... WTF? Like I said anywhere except here I dont even show any hurt or pineing for her.

Edited March 2, 2012 by tgr172

[tgr172]

This is the worst. Woke up in a panic. Knowing she is gone for good , moved on, and with a man she adores! Its almost like she hates me . She avoids me amd is on cloud 9 with her ex husband. Our old friends are happy for her and I have gone from someone she loves with a special connection to some sort of problem to be avoided! Even though I havent communicated w her in weeks. Even if I was to meet her I know she would be instantly comparing me to him and thinking how lucky she is having him.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry to hear of your pain. It must feel like a hole in your heart.

[leoc1973]

tgr172, I was reading your whole post and feeling horrible for you! I am 10 months into a breakup and I really took the time to heal before seeing someone new. I dated sure but nothing serious. Look you know how you feel inside right now right? Please do not hurt this new woman! She doesn't deserve it she is probably getting more and more attached to you. If your ex comes back to you then you are going to do the same exact thing that you just said was so horrible about your ex and her ex. Its not right! And I know your going to say I know I know its horrible and then go right back to seeing this new woman but just stop! I know your in pain but sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing! you are the nice guy right? Well be the nice guy!

[tgr172]

Thanks all

 

Dream I appreciate your words. I am so full of regrets its overwhelming, I guess i have gone from a very self confident but not overly self confident man to having no self esteme as I compare myself realistically to him. Even if by chance we were to get together again it wouldnt work because I know I could never match up and it would cause problems.

 

leoc, I understand and like I said we had the talk and this other woman understands . She knows and I make sure I keep her at a certian amount of distance. She would jump for me if I let her and in fact she is also dating another guy whom I spen alot of time talking to her about. Pretty much helping her understand him. It seems like a symbiotic relationship, her and I. If she gets bored we go for a drink or dinner. She is very very pretty and it does do me good to have her out with me. And I tell her that. I also tell her that it should help sho my ex that I can do well . She actually enjoys doing that. I have no deep connection with her though and its just as you said... I am emotionally unavailabe. But we both like the diversion. It is a small taste of normality. Helps.

[M2155]

This is the worst. Woke up in a panic. Knowing she is gone for good , moved on, and with a man she adores! Its almost like she hates me . She avoids me amd is on cloud 9 with her ex husband. Our old friends are happy for her and I have gone from someone she loves with a special connection to some sort of problem to be avoided! Even though I havent communicated w her in weeks. Even if I was to meet her I know she would be instantly comparing me to him and thinking how lucky she is having him.

 

This will only pass with time and acceptance. I felt like an idiot when I found out my ex was on cloud 9 lovey-dovey with his previous girlfriend and I didn't see it coming. They are seemingly happy in a flash and you are left holding the bag.

 

Your ex knows she hurt you and does NOT want to deal with it. You ARE a "problem" to be avoided, my ex didn't even break up with me, he just left. We had a brief exchange weeks later and like yours, he made it my fault (he had points but the ultimate reason was a load of crap). Many months later I don't think he's a bad guy anymore, he probably didn't know how to handle his feelings and I will (must!) find someone better. But accepting this conclusion is not easy because you feel used, blind sighted and abandoned...all the potential that you can clearly see is gone.

 

Everyone's relationship is different, I am sure there are things she had with you that she never will with him and visa versa. She will not forget. She is just distracted right now by the newness of it. Meanwhile you are dealing with the baggage you mentioned above, something she didn't do the first time and it is bound to happen again. Keep doing what you are doing and take the time to free your heart. She is gone because better things are to come, even thought that's so hard to imagine. You don't want to be her second choice.

[tgr172]

Happened to run into my ex who was with her ex husband at one of our old happy hour places. At first I was warned by the bartender that they were at the end of the bar. So I started to leave ... infact I did walk out but they saw me. Tried to get ahold of my date (just a friend) to bingo to an alternate place but couldnt get ahold of her so I went back in and figured Id walk up to them , introduce myself and say hi to her. Went over said hi to her and introduced myself to him. Her chair was turned to face him. So i was sort of behind her, She said hi but in a cordial sort of way. Havent seen her in 2 mos and spoken in a month. He got up shook hands and I said this is sort of awkward but it what the heck and laughed a little. He said Im glad you came over and " Its appropriate to make everything above board" Im not sure exactly what he was communicating to me with that. We chit chatted. She did offer to let me sit down... all very cordial like... didnt detect any real interest in catching up. Body language was that she didnt straighten out her chair to establish eye contact. I was trying to act un affected repeat ACT and I think I may have been or seemed squirley in a way by that . In walks my date. (very very attractive woman) so we go and sit at a table away from them. He definitly came across as totally uneffected by it and sort of like im not at all intimidated, I know she is about me. But still friendly. At one point when he was ordering I wispered to he " congrats he seems like a great guy and she gave her same ol answer of hes no big deal in a dismissive sort of way. But she stayed focused on him the whole time they were there. She was pretty cool and seemed unfazed I def felt the non interest in me. She did sneak a peak at who I was with I was told because my back was to her. He didnt even look at who i was with. At one point when the ex was walking by I caught her eye and invited her over and introduced her to my date (my date was a real champ about the whole thing) They talked and She went back to her table. As her and her former ex were leaving she obviously made a point of not looking but he did and sort of shouted from across the bar real cheery like " Great meeting you". My date said that was a pretty cocky of him the way it happened.

 

So my curiousity is this. His opening statement to me? Was he saying that him and her are together and you need to see thqat or was it less cocky in that we should be friendly? Second Her sort of I dont care attitude? Was she doing that to let him and I know she had no feelings of jelousy or did she really not care. Third the parting shot by him? Was I over sensitive ie im not worried about you or was it genuine? One thing I could tell is that the guy is hansome cool charming and charismatic.( but he is the same guy that bailed on her and her 3 kids and really messed their life up for a younger woman) so im not falling for the nice guy thing. lol.

 

I suppose it is childish but it would be nice to think that she didnt like seeing me with someone else, especially who I was with and might feel sorry or slightly possessive. Maybe be somewhat interested in me again. didnt show it though. My rgo I suppose

 

I do know this about her even if she was she would die before she said anything or let on.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited March 6, 2012 by tgr172

[Chi townD]

I was in the Navy for a peroid of time and the "above board" is kinda a Naval term. Means to keep things transparent. A long time ago, Captains and there crew would hide things of value in the ships. Little hiding spaces that they store valuables and they could claim later with having to report it. Keeping it "Above board" means to keep everything in plain sight. Not hiding anything....

 

The guy is still a douche rocket though..... must have sorta felt good to make her uncomfortable though! I'm glad your date understood what was going on.

[tgr172]

Chi. Got it. But in the context it was used and as the first thing said, Was he trying to say "not hiding that we are an item or that I (he) am pursueing her" or simply lets not try to cover up that I know you are still interested?

 

Really think she was uncomfortable? I couldnt detect she seemed cool and actually sort of dismissive... maybe too much so now that I think ove it.

Edited March 6, 2012 by tgr172

[Chi townD]

Chi. Got it. But in the context it was used and as the first thing said, Was he trying to say "not hiding that we are an item or that I (he) am pursueing her" or simply lets not try to cover up that I know you are still interested?

 

Really think she was uncomfortable? I couldnt detect she seemed cool and actually sort of dismissive... maybe too much so now that I think ove it.

 

 

Well, dude. They were out together. He was saying that he wasn't trying to hide that fact. And of course you made her uncomfortable! Had you not been there, she would probably been more relaxed and not have the awkward moments of meeting your date and hundred and one million things going through her head on what you're telling this lady about her. She could barely make eye contact with you in the beginning, and the embarassment with his parting "nice meeting you" shot, probably wishing he never said anything at all....yeah. Not the ideal night out on the town.

Edited March 6, 2012 by Chi townD

[tgr172]

Well I would have preferred she didnt like the thought of me with someone else but Ill take making her night uncomfortable as a consolidation. LOL. childish I know .

 

As for him doing the alpha male subtle finger in my chest thing. Well i would love to see him crash and burn. I hate cocky dudes. especially when Im the object of it. Have to admit he was very smooth about it. His rep is that dont even try to play that game with him its his stock and trade. smile while he is carving u up and you wont even know what he is up to. lol.