goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Hey all, I posted this on another website and I'll give this one a shot. I need some input on all of this.. I will list the long version and the short version for those who see novels and automatically go tl;dr.. ....................................... LONG VERSION Looking for a bit of advice on my recent breakup situation. I’ll begin my story at the very beginning. I am a 27 year old male; my ex-girlfriend is 22, soon to be 23. We first met about 5 years ago (September 2007). She had started working at the same place I had, only on a different shift (I worked second shift, she worked third). Eventually, I mustered up the courage to send her a message through MySpace (yes it was that long ago lol) basically saying hi. I’m not exactly the most social of guys, but that doesn’t mean I’m some creepy hermit with a hairy wart-infested nose. I’m actually a good looking guy, I weight lift regularly, so my body is in good shape and I take care of myself and I always get compliments on it. Anyway, I sent her a message saying hi, and she ended up getting back to me a few days later, saying hi as well and I began to message her and eventually we started talking at work before I’d leave for the day. Needless to say, we began to like one another and we began spending time together when possible. She was living with her “friend” at the time (I’ll get to this later) and it seemed like her “friend” was always around. After a few months a hanging with her and really starting to like her (it was nothing serious and we had only kissed once, reluctantly), she ended up becoming a little distant. Wouldn’t answer her messages, showed up basically late to work, so I didn’t really get a chance to see her or talk to her, and things kinda started getting rocky for us. Well, it turned out this “friend” of hers was actually her girlfriend, and although she did like me, her girlfriend was basically forbidding it. Needless to say, they both eventually moved away and I really didn’t see her or have any contact with her after that. In the next 3 years, I ended up in a serious relationship with another girl, which eventually didn’t work out. We were together for over 2 years, we lived together, and she had even lost her virginity to me. That had lasted from January 2008 until August 2010, and eventually we grew apart and I realized it just wasn’t going to work between us. The breakup there was surprisingly very simple, as I was over it fairly quickly, although I know she wasn’t. Anyway. September of 2010 brought something back to me. The girl I had met before. Let’s call her “K” from now on. When K came back into my life, it was really because of a load of variables that all fell into place at just the right time. You see, a co-worker of mine recently moved to the area and needed a roommate. This roommate was, at the time, dating K (yes, this roommate was female). My co-worker eventually became friends with K because of her being there with her roommate. One day, while at work, K showed up to talk to my co-worker. And that’s the first time I saw K again in 3 years. I didn’t say much to her, but I know she saw me and she knew I was there. So, I eventually learned that K was going through a breakup with my co-worker’s roommate. And eventually, my co-worker approached me and told me I should give K a call. So I did. And eventually, K and I began to court each other again. Now, I know you all may be thinking, why is this girl interested in a man when it seems she’s dated nothing but women in the past? The answer is because, bluntly, she is bisexual, or as I call it, open-minded. She has been with men initially, but she apparently had her heart broken in the past and decided to give women a try, but that was also to no avail. However, when we began courting again, things seemed to be going right this time. We didn’t hurry into anything and thing were essentially the same as they had been three years prior, although this time there was no “friend” to get in the way. November 2010 we began to officially date. And from there, our relationship blossomed. It was the best time of my life, and I knew this girl had come back into it for a reason. I was in between living situations at the time, because I had moved out of the place I was staying from the previous relationship, so I ended up living at a friend’s house, then staying with my parents and I eventually bought my own house in May of 2011. K was also in a tough living situation that basically held her at a stalemate financially, so I invited her to stay with me until she was ready to find her own place. I honestly didn’t want her to move in with me so quickly, but at the same time she had no option, otherwise she’d be trapped where she was (with her parents) for quite some time. I just wanted to help her, and I was in a bit of a state where I wanted to live on my own and experience that for a bit. Needless to say, we lived together for a good period of time and things were fine during this phase, although she was a bit upset she had no access to her belongings, as they were all pretty much crammed in my attic, basement and spare closets, as there was really no room for it. She also had pets, but I somewhat forbid them to be at my house because I also had pets and it would have been a bit of a disaster with so many. At the same time, she kind of didn’t want the pets being there anyway because she felt bad. September of 2011 is what I want to describe as the downturn of our relationship. As I look back now, I can see the things I began to do (or not so, should I say) and this hurt her. She always talked about how it seems like the “flame” in our relationship was gone and that it wasn’t the same as it was in the beginning. I wasn’t the same. Before, we’d send smiles and hearts and kissy faces to each other via text throughout the day and t was the kind of love you’d see in the movies or read in fairy tale novels. But as time went on, it seemed like I was becoming more distant from her, and she began to vocalize this to me, but to be honest, I essentially blew it off. We couldn’t have adult conversations it seemed, without me becoming defensive or angry. I’ve never abused her in any way, and I never would. Anyway, November 2011 was the culmination of all of this. She began to express more and more that it seemed as though I didn’t care, as though she didn’t matter, as though I felt nothing for her anymore. It wasn’t like that; I just became emotionally pent up, for what reason I don’t know. I eventually broke it off and said it would be better for her and we could see what we really wanted in life and if things would be better without me. It crushed her obviously and yes it crushed me too, but I hated seeing her live in doubt and resentment. When we split, I became the guy I always do upon breakups. I held all of my emotion in and I went about my business like there was nothing wrong. Like everything was ok. She eventually moved out, lost her job (same place I worked, again I was second shift, she was third) and moved in with a girl friend of hers for about a week, then found a living situation with a male friend of hers and she is still there. We maintained contact and it wasn’t until recently that all of my emotions built up to the point of cracking. I couldn’t take it anymore and it was like the second week of February that I broke down and let my heart pour out to her. And here’s where the real drama begins. During the time she was living with her male friend, she was showered with love from him. He did everything for her that she wanted someone to do, they had long conversations, did things together, and basically did all the things that her and I did in the beginning. And he was/is falling for her, and she is starting t have the same feelings for him too. She was finally starting to try to let me go, when I dropped the bomb on her about everything. And this kind of crushed her again, because now she was torn between two people. On one hand, she has the guy friend she is living with, who is giving her everything she wants and is infatuated with her and is showing her all of the love she desires and wanted out of me, and on the other hand she has me, whom she’s shared memories and experiences with, who is now telling her about all the mistakes and how he wants to correct them and try again. Not only this, but she had even told me she is still in love with me, but she is falling for this other guy as well. So, the other night we had a long conversation about everything and I essentially did everything I could to let her know that things would be alright this time and that everything that had happened to us had happened for a reason (which I believe it did), but she ultimately, as hard as it was for her, made the decision to give the new man a shot. She didn’t want to break anyone’s heart and she was so scared that she’d lose me forever, but she didn’t want to pass up an opportunity for something that might be great, and I don’t blame her for that, but at the same time, I’ve lost this girl twice in the past and both times it has devastated me, and I didn’t want to lose her again. And I felt like I have, but this time it seems like I may have lost her forever. I’m so absolutely destroyed over it all, but I’m wondering if there’s still any glimmer of hope that her and I could make it in the future? I don’t know what to do! I know in time I will accept it, as I have in the past, but I don’t think I will ever fully heal. I love her with all of my entire being, and I was set on asking her to marry me if we were to get back together and be together for a period of time. ....................................... SHORT VERSION Basically, my ex girlfriend and I have known each other since September 2007, she moved away, came back three years later, and we got together.. again sort of. November 2011 I honestly made the biggest mistake of my life and, instead of working on the relationship, took the easy way out and told her it would be better if we were apart. February 2012, my pent up emotions are so bad, I break down and pour my heart out to her and apologize for everything and let her know I want to work on us (we've still been in contact and basically on good terms since the initial break up). She becomes torn because in the meantime, she has moved in with a friend of hers (male), who she's known for years and who has supported her emotionally throughout including during the period her and I were having rough times. Now, she is falling for this guy and has decided to give him a shot, yet she tells me she still loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but can't not give this guy a chance because he is such a good person. I'm just wondering if there's anything I could do or any kind of hope I could pursue with her. It sounds terrible but, is there essentially a way I can make her realize what she's doing? I know many people will say give it time, but is there anything I could do in the meantime? I'm currently trying the NC method and it's only been 2 days and I am absolutely dying inside, but I will remain steadfast. I just really need some input on this. I'm absolutely devastated.. I know it's the typical heatbreak, but I feel like this scenario is kind of unique. Any input or advice is really appreciated. Thank you!
JJ72 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 A "FRIEND" of hers?? Blah! She's probably been sleeping with him for a while. Do you want to be the "friend" while she lives and sleeps with this guy? She might actually love you, but what does that matter while she's with this guy? She wants to keep you around as another option/friend. fcvkk that!! If it were me, I'd cut her loose and never look back.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Thank you for your reply. I know for a fact she wasn't screwing around on me, basically because we were together every moment possible when we were together. This guy has been a friend of hers for quite some time and is part of the circle of friends she has. She's known he has been crushing on her for quite awhile now and he never made the attempt to ask her out because he thought she only dated girls. What basically happened is that I let my emotions free too late.. by the time I did, someone was already there stealing her heart away. Is it because they are living together? Is it because maybe she's trying to replace the things I didn't give her entirely with something she's now receiving? I know alot of her friends influenced her opinion because, well, friends look out for other friends. I didn't know or hang out with many of her friends. But this guy is close to them all, so obviously they're going to want him to be with her.. it'll make hanging out all together much more fun. Am I looking at this correctly?
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Dude, sorry....but run. This girl is sooooo damn confused and you shouldn't be held on the hook while she sorts her crap out. Time to move on Dude.
JJ72 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Doesn't really matter if she slept with him before...she's with him now, and living together on top of it. I wouldn't deal with a girl having close guy "friends" living or sleeping together. I'd cut my losses and move on. That's just me. You have to do what you think is best for you.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 You know, your point does have truth within it, but yet I feel like, although she is confused, everything we've had and shared is not worth losing. Honestly, what we shared was absolutely amazing. We never fought, never argued, there was no bull**** in our relationship. It was absolutely perfect until I started distancing myself. I read about most other breakups on here and there are reasons for it. Mine was because I took the easy route and instead of addressing her concerns, I pushed her away from me. There's no reason why I shouldn't love her as much as I do. There is a reason she should hate me, yet she does not, because she is very forgiving. It just eats me alive to think that my own pent up emotion, because I held it in for so long, is what caused me to lose her. If I would have done this all sooner, there's no doubt in my mind her and I would still be together. But I put myself in her position and think about it. And honestly I keep coming to the conclusion that, if I were her, I would have worked on things instead of finding someone new. Think of it this way. You have a car and it gives you nothing but good service for a long time. Suddenly, something breaks. Something somewhat major, but repairable. Yet at the same time there's a sweet deal on a brand new car not far from you. Do you fix the car that gave you reliable service? Or do you go ahead and get that shiny new car and start fresh? I think alot of her decision had to do with outside influences. Do you think the reality of it will set in over time and she will realize what she's done?
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Think of it this way. You have a car and it gives you nothing but good service for a long time. Suddenly, something breaks. Something somewhat major, but repairable. Yet at the same time there's a sweet deal on a brand new car not far from you. Do you fix the car that gave you reliable service? Or do you go ahead and get that shiny new car and start fresh? Okay, think of it this way. Some people say that sometimes a relationship is like a job. Well, she fired you. She told you that your services are no longer required. Therefore, if you got fired from any job, do you still hang around the work site? Do some work for them for free? Hell No!!! You go out and find a better job and you cut ties from that company for good.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Good one chi, but I think of it like this. I'm the one who fired her in the first place.
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Okay, and you re-visited the relationship where you two sat down and she said to you that she wants to give the other guy a chance. She has a new employee taking care of things... Sorry to be blunt. But, I think you really need to look at that big picture. SHe made her choice and unfortunately, it isn't you. Therefore, I think it would be wise to bow out and go NC. Heal from this (and it's okay to hold on to the good memories) but, it's time to move on.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I am attempting the NC strategy.. for a bit. Like I said, I think what I'm doing is hoping time will reveal everything, we will get in touch again, and things will come to surface. She's told me flat out she wants to remain in contact, as do I. I mean, she's my best friend and I'm not willing to lose that. I'm sorry if I'm in that state of denial and self-blame, but like I said the reason this all happened was because of me. I know she was madly in love with me before all of this, I know she would have worked on everything if I had just told her sooner, and I know her living situation and her friends had a large influence on her decision to give someone new a chance. That's the part that kills me, and I guess I'm just looking for an answer or advice as to basically, will time open her eyes?
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 That's the part that kills me, and I guess I'm just looking for an answer or advice as to basically, will time open her eyes? Who's to say? Who's to say that the guy she's living with (AKA Boyfriend) doesn't know that she's in contact with you. Who's to say that if he does find out, he won't be happy about it and asks her not to contact you. Question is, will she do it? Bottom line is that you CANNOT be friends WHILE you harbor strong feelings for her. You'll be killing yourself everyday wanting more but never getting it and eating up any breadcrumb she throws your way. In the meantime, putting yourself on hold and letting a girl that wants to be with you and is willing to put in the time pass you by because you're clinging onto the hope that your Ex might open her eyes. And that may never come. How is that fair to you? You need to start living your life. And yes, NC is the way to go. ANYTHING short of her showing up at your door crying, stating she made a mistake and wants to give it another chance; anything else is just breadcrumbs. Perphaps going NC will make her miss you and "open her eyes", but if you look on the forum, those stories are few and far inbetween.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 This guy she's living with knows exactly how I feel towards her, and how she feels towards me. And ironically, he's essentially confessed to her that he feels about her the same way that I do. Bull****. I don't want to see her get hurt. I mean, I've met this guy a few times before and he does seem like a really good guy, but I'm wondering if he's just playing on her vulnerability right now so he can get in good with her? Likewise, I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm trying to do things to keep me occupied, I continue weightlifting religiously and my job is not suffering at all. I'm not ready, nor will I be ready for quite some time, to date again. And in the meantime, although I know people will tell me I'm wrong, if she opens her eyes during this phase and comes back to me, I will give it another chance.
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 although I know people will tell me I'm wrong, if she opens her eyes during this phase and comes back to me, I will give it another chance. No one will tell you your wrong. In fact, they'll be here to give you advice on how to proceed to give you the best chance at success. This is an advice forum and that's it. It isn't the letter of the law. All we can do is give you advice and whether you want to listen to it is entirely up to you. So, my advice is to do NC. Distance yourself. She's living with (and in a relationship) someone else. If she contacts you, ignore it. Sucks and that's not what you want to hear...but, ignore it. She has a boyfriend to tell it to. WORK ON YOU. Remember, ANYTHING less than I'm sorry and Iwant to come back is breadcrumbs and serves no purpose.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Thank chi, I do appreciate your advice, I really do. It's just that going NC is extremely tough, I know this. But like I said, she said she still wants to remain in contact as do I, and I know if I give it enough time, she is going to check in on me to see if I'm okay. I'm not posting on Facebook anymore (actually, I'm trying to stay off of it completely for now) and there's no texting, etc. I know her, and I know she is a caring person and I know that down the line she will send me something. Do I ignore that? If she would ask if I am okay? Hell, the day of our breakup I was scheduled for a tattoo and I was halfway there and just couldn't make it.. I texted her and told her what was up and had received about 4 texts until I got back home making sure I was ok and that I made it home okay. Therefore, I can't just completely ignore her if she were to contact me. It makes me look like even more cold-hearted than ever, IMHO.
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Okay, then what you need to do is write her a letter or an e-mail explaining what you are doing so you don't come off like a douche rocket for ignoring her, she'll know why. Just tell her that you can't be friends with her or remain in contact with her right now because I still harbor feelings for you. I need time to heal from this so that we can have the possibility to become friends in the future. Remaining in contact wouldn't be fair to either of us. So, please don't look at this as some kind of punishment. I just have to learn to let go, and I'm finding it impossible to do so while your still in the picture. I hope you will understand. Or something to that effect....then you start NC. A HARD NC.
Author goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 It's strange to ask but looking for a real honest opinion.. Do you think a message like that might have the slightest chance to trigger something in her mind? Basically a realization that maybe she will lose me and this is all real and my feelings are true and to show her how much it really crippled my entire world.. Do you think this may be possible? And would it have any chance at all to bring her back?
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Ultimately, the No Contact rule is used as a tool to help YOU heal from the relationship, to help you let go and to move on. It shouldn't be used as a tool to try and win someone back. Sometimes, it does work to win someone back. The other person misses them so much that they want to return. But again, those stories are few and far inbetween. And there are stories where people have went into NC and the other TRYS to come back, but the dumpee has healed and has moved on and is not interested in entertaining the relationship anymore. So, could it happen? Yeah, it can. But, it should only be a by-product of your true goal which is healing and moving on. Did any of that make sense? I don't know if I explained that properly.
stimson554 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 **** da bitch find another bitch and **** dat bitch too, aquire a multitude of bitches to ****. and all da bitches will come to you.
Author goohoo Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Lol sorry stim, I just ain't a bonafide playa like yoself.. Anyway, wanted to bring up another point after thinking about it all day, as usual. To me, it's starting to seem like this guy is becoming more of an emotional crutch than anything. Mainly because a.) My ex I can admit was a bit needy emotionally.. Wasn't a nut job or hardcore emo but she did enjoy the comfort of someone being there for her emotionally.. This was actually part of the reason we had split in the first place (my fault for not being there for her.. I have honestly since found myself and my desires and attitude toward these issues) and b.) he's there. Period. There is someone there for her to lean on and let it all out to. Likewise the living situation. It's a secure zone for her in this time of hardship, so why wouldn't she want to stay? Also c.) I do believe her judgement is extremely clouded, as there was plenty of encouragement from her friends to go ahad with him and leave me in the dust. This is why I don't lose hope. Because one day, the glitz of it all may wear off and the harsh reality may rear its head and she may realize this is all happening because she needed someone at the time. Who knows. Anyone agree with me here?
Chi townD Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 This is why I don't lose hope. Because one day, the glitz of it all may wear off and the harsh reality may rear its head and she may realize this is all happening because she needed someone at the time. Or, maybe it won't...and you have to prepare yourself for that. Look, I'm not trying to bring you down and crush all of your hopes, I just want you to realize that things may not work out as you hope they will and the only thing you did was set yourself up for more heartache.
Author goohoo Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I know.. I'm trying to look at all aspects, all choices, all possibilities.. And then determine which would be the most viable options to choose.. I've also come to the conclusion after much analysis that she is quite insecure.. Something inside me is honestly starting to tell me to get in touch with her.. Suggest an activity nothing fancy (I was thinking maybe the casino) and try to go have fun. Yes it's early, yes we're both recovering, but some little flame in my mind is figuring if I can show her I truly am more of an emotional crutch.. More of the person she needed in the past.. Maybe I can win her over.. Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not taking her on a date, I'm not going to talk about the relationship, I just want both of us to focus on easing our minds all while giving her that sense of comfort and security back.. Because I really think that is what she's lacking from me and she finds this in her clouded judgement at the moment, in someone else because they are a friend and they are within reach. I know this sounds like an insane idea, maybe even like I'm caving in.. But what do you think?
Chi townD Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Okay...ask her out to the casino. And while you're at it, have her bring her new man along! Shouldn't be a problem right? I mean, it isn't a date or anything, you're not gonna talk about relationship or anything...just a night out on the town. The fact is, it WILL be a date. You said it yourself! You want to win her back. But, with that in mind. A date is two people going out that might be interested in each other. And if the chemstry is there, you try to impress your date in hopes of...............GETTING A SECOND DATE. So, you can put any spin you want on it. As long as you still have feelings for her, you are going to view it as a date by the end. Even if your intentions are honorable, your feelings are going to get in the way.
Author goohoo Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 (edited) See, this is where I get very, very confused. It was about a week and a half ago that I actually did ask her to go to the casino with me.. and she said yes she wanted to, but she was sick (and yes, she really was sick because I saw her in that timeframe). This was before we had our talk, but it seems to me she sort of had her mind set on breaking me bad news anyway, as I found out during our conversation because she told me about how everyone was telling her to just text me or call me and tell me that she was going to give this other guy a shot. Yet, she didn't want to do that and was honorable enough to actually come to MY house and have that talk with me (about 5 hours) that did ultimately end up with her (not saying it directly) but letting me know she was going to give him a chance. I feel as if I were to ask her to hang out, she wouldn't turn me down. So now after analyzing everything I said with my own eyes.. I'm question.. It doesn't seem like I'm the confused one eh? I think I just led myself back to square one.. EDIT: Want to also clarify that no, she is not seeing this guy. Yes, she's living with him, yes he is interested in her, but I know she is still battling her own emotions at the moment as well, so no they are not dating. Edited March 2, 2012 by goohoo
stimson554 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 well My real advice would be to cut any contact with her, hard as it may be, sometimes it takes losing someone completely to make a person truly understand how much you mean to them. another thing is i would advise taking some time off of dating and really getting to understand yourself, cuz if you know who you are and are secure that you dont have to depend on anyone else for happiness, future relationships gone wrong wont hurt nearly as bad as they do now.
Author goohoo Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Absolutely stim, you know I keep tossing scenarios around in my head, should I keep in touch with her or shouldn't I? I'm actually being a little selfish right now and understandably so because I'm looking at how to get her to come back to me. And the reality of it is that I can't MAKE her do it.. she needs to decide it on her own. Me being around all the time like you said isn't going to make her miss me. Being away and seemingly out of her life might. The last time I talked to her I basically went through this with her. I told her I couldn't talk to her because it just hurt too much. She basically said "okay..." which to me was kind of a reluctant "ok I don't want you to but I understand what you're going through and respect it and will have to deal with it." I then replied basically asking if she was okay then with me staying in touch with her and being a part of her life yet and she responded saying "i do want to keep in touch, but my eyes hurt so i am going to try to nap." I responded telling her thank you and that it made me feel better knowing that, said goodnight and she replied goodnight.. and that was it. 3 days thus far NC. I was originally concerned she might come to think I hate her if I didn't contact her, but with her seeing that message as the last I sent, she should know I don't have hard feelings toward her (and I don't obviously). So with that, I'm going to attempt NC and see how far it takes me.. if she sends me anything in the future, well.. we will cross that bridge if we get there..
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