First love, break up I'm puzzled!

[offcloudnine]

Hello everyone, my girlfriend of 3 years recently left me and I am in pieces right now.

 

I hope that the LoveShack community can help me make more sense of this than I can and perhaps share some advice as well.

 

--

 

We're both in our early 20's, and we've known each other for 10-11 years but only got into a relationship roughly 3 years ago.

 

Admittedly I fell (loved) for her first and I thought she did for me as well. Unfortunately our relationship was one that had to endured combined periods of about 2 years, with the 1 year spent living together.

 

For the majority of the relationship we have been madly in love and have enjoyed each other's company, whether it was long distance or locally, a lot. There was never a doubt that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

However my girlfriend (well, now, "ex') is quite an insecure and emotional person and finds herself to be easily influenced sometimes by others; I try my best to reassure her of my love to her among other things. This has sprouted some doubts as for the living standard for our future, but never has it doubted our being together.

 

But then in the past few months or even prior, there has been rare occasions where we would have a mini-break-up because she suddenly feels no feelings for me, and becomes confused as to whether she really loves me or not. Although we usually get back together with her reassured of her feelings for me from these mini-break-ups in a few days or less.

 

This break up is no different from those mini-break-ups except this time it seems like the real deal, she has told me that she wants to fall in love with someone and experience what's that like, and when I try to remind her of her feelings and that she fell in love with me at least once, she claims she cannot remember them.

 

The break up came after she spent some time with her friends, they likely talked about how amazing falling in love was, and one of them told her a story about her love for another man but not being able to be with him due to him and her already being in a relationship so she had to settle.

 

I think it is possible the story and time spent with her friends frightened her and pushed her insecurities on edge, but what I still don't understand is how she can forget falling in love with me and her feelings for me at all. The her I know would never want us to be apart and I guess you'd have to take my word for it.

 

I don't think it helps that we are both going through a stage in our life where we are trying to start our careers and that's full of uncertainties as well.

 

I love her so much, it pains me so much that she can show no past feelings and leave me so suddenly

 

edit: Today is the third day since we broke up.

 

Although it was not entirely an official proposal, I have always wanted to show her my commitment and I did by proposing to her about a year ago and she accepted, I was overjoyed and still was until now. Just thought I'd add that if it helps.

Edited February 27, 2012 by offcloudnine

[jus d'orange]

Hi offcloudnine,

 

First of all, welcome to LS. You're not alone here in your struggles. I hope you'll find this place as helpful as I have.

 

Seems as if you've already done a lot of good thinking about this yourself. I know you may not like all of the advice I'm about to give, but please remember that I only hope to help you with what little I know.

 

First of all, if she's been giving little break-ups for a while now, you know the relationship is not in a good place. That may be hard to admit, but it doesn't seem to be your fault. It sounds like you're a good guy and she is a confused girl. It takes two strong people who both want the relationship to make it good. As a result, you have to accept that this break-up was, at least for the time being, a good thing. Accepting that it is over and learning to see it as being for the best is really important. You deserve someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you, not someone who needs to be remind of why they love you constantly; she isn't that person, at least not now, and so you have to start to move on.

 

It's very early days, and you've got a long road ahead of you. Healing and moving on is not a quick process (I'm still going through it myself, and will be for a long time, I presume), but remember that it will never end if you don't start walking the road in the best way you can. I'll try to make a little step-by-step to help you out here. This is fairly general, so apply as best as you can to your situation:

 

1) Accept that it's over. I've said this already, but the relationship couldn't keep going the way that things were. Likewise, if she comes to you in 2 days and says she made a mistake, I would highly recommend you don't take her back (at least not for a good long while). The end of a relationship is not the place to start a new relationship-- that doesn't make any sense.

 

2) Cut all contact with her as best as you can. This means deleting her number from your phone, refusing calls and texts from her, deleting her from social media, etc. You need her out of your life as much as possible at the moment. It's time to focus on yourself, and little reminders from her will halt your healing process. This can be really hard for some people, but it is imperative that you stick to No Contact as much as you can.

 

3) Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. This is going to be rough. You will absolutely feel like hell for a while. I felt physically ill the first couple days after the break-up. Realize that it is totally okay to cry. I recommend letting out your emotions in private (like in bed) or with close friends or family. Don't try to hold things in or you'll explode in a bad way. Resist the temptation to turn to her in your sorrows. It will only push her further away and hurt you further.

 

4) Begin to see life after this relationship as an opportunity. You mentioned that (like me) you're in your early 20s. You're in the prime of your life! You can totally pick up new hobbies right now that will be an important part of the rest of your life. Have anything you've always wanted to do? Now would be the time to sign yourself up for it and get started. Likewise, hit the gym. Not only does working out make you feel better about yourself (chemicals in the brain and whatnot), you'll see physical results on yourself in the coming weeks. Nothing like a more attractive version of yourself, eh? Take this time to start down the road to being the person you really want to be. Make a list of how you'd like to see yourself, and start making those things happen. Now that you've got more time and money, really push yourself to get your career started in a big way. Ask yourself what you 6 months or a year down the road would like you to have done right now.

 

5) If you think it may help, seek out therapy.

 

6) Seek out loved ones. True friends and family will be there for you during times like this. They will be a shoulder to cry on, a buddy to have some beers with, a brother to go on a weekend camping trip with, whatever. Get out there with these people and be yourself. The sooner you reconnect with these people, the sooner you'll feel better about what you mean to others.

 

7) Start to feel okay about being alone, from now into the future. This one is tough. I really don't advocate trying to rebound to make up for the sense of loss. There is a hole in your heart at the moment, and you can't fill it right away. Instead, you need to remind yourself with each passing day that you can and will be strong through all of this. Wake up and try to appreciate all that you have, even the simple things. Experience new parts of life. Learn to see yourself as an independent, strong man. Tell yourself that you're going to be fine -- in fact, you're going to come out of all of this better than before. I think it helps to see yourself as a warrior through all of this; if you fight through this with dignity and self-respect, you will be like a hero to yourself when you have finally healed completely and have moved on. You'll be a stronger, better version of you.

 

As a last note: if you can move on like this, only better futures await you. An improved, independent version of yourself months and years down the road will be a catch for anyone, including your ex. However, if she doesn't change her commitment and insecurity issues, she doesn't deserve you a bit. In fact, once you go through this process, you may find that you no longer want someone like her in your life at all.

 

Best of luck to you. I know your heart may disagree with all that I've written, but if you have hope of someday being happy again, and a hope of a strong, healthy, and loving relationship with someone, you need to go through this process. It may just be your mind at first, but your heart will heal, and eventually logic will start to win over.

[oldguy]

I'm really sorry for what you are going threw. I'm sure she loved you but people's feeling do change especially when there may have been some insecurities to begin with. I suspect she has been unsure of her exact feeling for sometime & the time away made her more aware of her true feelings. There is an old litmus test for ones feelings. Simply put; spend 2 weeks NC & your true feelings will emerge.

 

Again, I'm sorry for what you are going threw but if it's any solace everyone goes through what you are more than once.

[offcloudnine]

Thank you so much for your reply jus d'orange.

 

Part of me agrees wholeheartedly with your advice, but most of me really wishes to make the relationship work again, but then there'd be a lot of amends needed to regain trust, respect and loyalty.

 

I know this is such a cliche, but she was and is the one for me, and I could have sworn she felt the same way, it's really blowing my mind that this suddenly happened still.

 

I'm trying to accept that it's over but my mind and heart is still in disbelief that she could say and feel the things she has told me. The mini-break-ups may have been warning signs, but we always came out of them stronger.

 

I wish I was strong enough to refuse her if she came back saying she made a mistake, so I'm not going to lie and say I'd most likely take her back and work with her to make amends.

 

At this point, I'm finding it extremely difficult to do anything, I have talked to two friends from college whom are overseas, I really wish I had people I am close to locally that I could talk to but I don't, and my parents don't quite understand the modern concept of love.

 

She really left me in a terrible position, I'm sure it wasn't her intention but she did. On the other hand she started hanging out a lot with some of her friends so she has the support going on there.

 

I may not have mentioned this clearly but we were long distance when this happened.

 

 

@oldguy

 

While we spent 2 years long distance away, it wasn't all at once and we spent the first year long distance, a year together, and then another year apart; something to that effect. If it was purely long distance I'm sure it would've occurred to us sooner and I wish I would have noticed sooner if it was.

[Falcon25]

She's gone because you love her more than she loves you. You bore her. She doesn't feel that you are the one, because you are always there. Check out my post. She is bored. She is losing her attraction towards you. She needs to know that her man can have other women, can walk away, and not "love her so much". I know it doesn't make sense, but welcome to the land of women.

[offcloudnine]

@Falcon25

 

No, you make perfect sense, but I just didn't think at least in my situation that always being there for her would turn out to harm the relationship instead. It's true that she has probably never felt threatened or the need to "fight" for me, but I wonder, could that really be one of the reasons she left me?

[jus d'orange]

@Falcon25

 

No, you make perfect sense, but I just didn't think at least in my situation that always being there for her would turn out to harm the relationship instead. It's true that she has probably never felt threatened or the need to "fight" for me, but I wonder, could that really be one of the reasons she left me?

 

Yes; however, that's her problem. She won't realize that until you've begun moving forward from the relationship as I described. Giving her space and time to think may make her reconsider how valuable you are. She may even try to come back, if you still want her by that point. Regardless, you cannot be involved in this decision making process. She has to come to it herself.

[Falcon25]

@Falcon25

 

No, you make perfect sense, but I just didn't think at least in my situation that always being there for her would turn out to harm the relationship instead. It's true that she has probably never felt threatened or the need to "fight" for me, but I wonder, could that really be one of the reasons she left me?

 

It is the ONLY reason. They themselves don't know why this happens. They just lose attraction. I was there for mine too, got me nowhere. But mine is a different situation, mine was in love w someone for 7 years before i came in the picture. Yours is about ATTRACTION.

[offcloudnine]

@jus d'orange

 

You're absolutely right...I think I'll just have to give her some time to think things through, I don't think the decision she made earlier was entirely thought through. But I shouldn't hold my hopes high that she'll change her mind.

 

@Falcon25

 

I'm afraid to believe it but she did mention that she isn't attracted to me, but she also claims that she was never attracted to me, it's just like her to forget about how she felt about me prior to this incident.

 

I'm at a lost as to how to make myself more "attractive"...

[Falcon25]

Of course she was attracted to you, she let you inside of her. What she's saying is that because she is losing her attraction, she no longer remembers it. You have to go ghost. She may not come back. You have to be like "ok, I'll go date other women". She has to wake up tomorrow morning and know that you are ok with her walking away. It's your only shot. But, she may be too far gone. This is good to know for your next one. I know you are lonely. My girl did this to me during some of the most stressful time in my life w my job. But, you have to walk away. ONLY shot. Attraction is built when the woman knows that other women can sleep with her man. Yours is salvagable. Mine is psychologically gone..In love w her ex. Just walk away. She comes back, cool. If not, it's ok. You learn for the next one.

Edited February 27, 2012 by Falcon25

[offcloudnine]

@Falcon25

 

Thanks Falcon25, I will be doing just that and hope that she does come back

 

 

On another note she just called me and we had a short talk that wasn't relationship related, she was with out with her friends. Why did she call me?

[Falcon25]

@Falcon25

 

Thanks Falcon25, I will be doing just that and hope that she does come back

 

 

On another note she just called me and we had a short talk that wasn't relationship related, she was with out with her friends. Why did she call me?

 

To make sure you're still on the leash. Time to stop being a puppy. No relationship, no phone calls to confide in. Nothing is free in this world. Not even your listening skills.

[jus d'orange]

@Falcon25

 

Thanks Falcon25, I will be doing just that and hope that she does come back

 

 

On another note she just called me and we had a short talk that wasn't relationship related, she was with out with her friends. Why did she call me?

 

You need to move forward with No Contact so you can begin your healing process. Otherwise, she is just using you, hurting you, to assuage her own guilt. Don't get used like that; you deserve better.

 

Likewise, you need to get going with your own life for your sake. If you try to live each day better with the hope that she'll come back, that means you're still weak and not moving forward. You need to live for you and not for her.

[offcloudnine]

@Falcon25

 

I'd like to think it wasn't like that...but you may be right.

 

 

@jus d'orange

 

I know I should...and I would go NC without hesitation if I knew for sure that she's using me to assuage her own guilt...otherwise I really don't want to push her away

[Sophie99]

SORRY, I put this in the wrong place

[sanctun]

Hi offcloudnine,

 

First of all, welcome to LS. You're not alone here in your struggles. I hope you'll find this place as helpful as I have.

 

Seems as if you've already done a lot of good thinking about this yourself. I know you may not like all of the advice I'm about to give, but please remember that I only hope to help you with what little I know.

 

First of all, if she's been giving little break-ups for a while now, you know the relationship is not in a good place. That may be hard to admit, but it doesn't seem to be your fault. It sounds like you're a good guy and she is a confused girl. It takes two strong people who both want the relationship to make it good. As a result, you have to accept that this break-up was, at least for the time being, a good thing. Accepting that it is over and learning to see it as being for the best is really important. You deserve someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you, not someone who needs to be remind of why they love you constantly; she isn't that person, at least not now, and so you have to start to move on.

 

It's very early days, and you've got a long road ahead of you. Healing and moving on is not a quick process (I'm still going through it myself, and will be for a long time, I presume), but remember that it will never end if you don't start walking the road in the best way you can. I'll try to make a little step-by-step to help you out here. This is fairly general, so apply as best as you can to your situation:

 

1) Accept that it's over. I've said this already, but the relationship couldn't keep going the way that things were. Likewise, if she comes to you in 2 days and says she made a mistake, I would highly recommend you don't take her back (at least not for a good long while). The end of a relationship is not the place to start a new relationship-- that doesn't make any sense.

 

2) Cut all contact with her as best as you can. This means deleting her number from your phone, refusing calls and texts from her, deleting her from social media, etc. You need her out of your life as much as possible at the moment. It's time to focus on yourself, and little reminders from her will halt your healing process. This can be really hard for some people, but it is imperative that you stick to No Contact as much as you can.

 

3) Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. This is going to be rough. You will absolutely feel like hell for a while. I felt physically ill the first couple days after the break-up. Realize that it is totally okay to cry. I recommend letting out your emotions in private (like in bed) or with close friends or family. Don't try to hold things in or you'll explode in a bad way. Resist the temptation to turn to her in your sorrows. It will only push her further away and hurt you further.

 

4) Begin to see life after this relationship as an opportunity. You mentioned that (like me) you're in your early 20s. You're in the prime of your life! You can totally pick up new hobbies right now that will be an important part of the rest of your life. Have anything you've always wanted to do? Now would be the time to sign yourself up for it and get started. Likewise, hit the gym. Not only does working out make you feel better about yourself (chemicals in the brain and whatnot), you'll see physical results on yourself in the coming weeks. Nothing like a more attractive version of yourself, eh? Take this time to start down the road to being the person you really want to be. Make a list of how you'd like to see yourself, and start making those things happen. Now that you've got more time and money, really push yourself to get your career started in a big way. Ask yourself what you 6 months or a year down the road would like you to have done right now.

 

5) If you think it may help, seek out therapy.

 

6) Seek out loved ones. True friends and family will be there for you during times like this. They will be a shoulder to cry on, a buddy to have some beers with, a brother to go on a weekend camping trip with, whatever. Get out there with these people and be yourself. The sooner you reconnect with these people, the sooner you'll feel better about what you mean to others.

 

7) Start to feel okay about being alone, from now into the future. This one is tough. I really don't advocate trying to rebound to make up for the sense of loss. There is a hole in your heart at the moment, and you can't fill it right away. Instead, you need to remind yourself with each passing day that you can and will be strong through all of this. Wake up and try to appreciate all that you have, even the simple things. Experience new parts of life. Learn to see yourself as an independent, strong man. Tell yourself that you're going to be fine -- in fact, you're going to come out of all of this better than before. I think it helps to see yourself as a warrior through all of this; if you fight through this with dignity and self-respect, you will be like a hero to yourself when you have finally healed completely and have moved on. You'll be a stronger, better version of you.

 

As a last note: if you can move on like this, only better futures await you. An improved, independent version of yourself months and years down the road will be a catch for anyone, including your ex. However, if she doesn't change her commitment and insecurity issues, she doesn't deserve you a bit. In fact, once you go through this process, you may find that you no longer want someone like her in your life at all.

 

Best of luck to you. I know your heart may disagree with all that I've written, but if you have hope of someday being happy again, and a hope of a strong, healthy, and loving relationship with someone, you need to go through this process. It may just be your mind at first, but your heart will heal, and eventually logic will start to win over.

 

Thanks man,I feel like sht right now but reading this made me feel so much better.As for the OP,do what it says,Im in the same boat as you,but in the end we are gonna be stronger thru this experience.

[offcloudnine]

I've decided to go NC unless she contacts me first. (is that even NC? xD)

 

I'll miss her, but I hope the time away allows her to miss me too, if not then I suppose there was no relationship to salvage.

[offcloudnine]

Still in day one of NC...or should I say LC.

 

Feeling terrible and while I have tried to think positively about my life from here on out, I can't help but feel that a large part of me will be stuck in limbo, in a time when we were still together.

[offcloudnine]

I've been reading a lot about this GIGS, to which I didn't know the meaning of but I found out: Grass Is Greener Symptom.

 

I think it is very reasonable to assume that my now ex-girlfriend may be experiencing GIGS...could anyone give me some advice in regards to this?

[blindnowisee]

@Falcon: I share the same views as you and I salut your words of wisdom

 

@Offcloudnine: Forget about your ex. Write yourself a list of things you've always wanted to do and start doing them one by one. Go to the gym.. get in shape and pick up new hobbies. Force yourself to become more of an 'Alpha' male as you've lost your touch.. you've become too dependent on your ex.

 

I was there too so I know what I'm talking about. Your life converged way too much with the life of your ex. I'm sure you did everything together.. same hobbies.. same stuff each and every day.. routine and boredom came into your life.

 

This is the moment to take a step back and reflect as to where you are in life. What have you done the past year / few years? Have you just been focussing on making your gf happy? Or have you stretched yourself to do new things? Learn new skills? Be totally honest here.. like I said.. I put my life on the backburner whereas I used to be a proper alpha male.. I completely lost my touch. I'm now about a month away from my break-up and have started to pick my life back up again.. regained interest from other women.. become a better person throughout..

 

Break-ups are a blessing if you treat them well enough. No matter what you think or believe.. if you break-up from someone it wasn't meant to be as the persons you both are now.. In order to have a chance of getting a new and improved relationship you will have to grow as a person.

 

Apologies for my somewhat scattered brain dump ;-)

[Eddie Edirol]

Offcloud if you want to kno what makes you more attractive you need to look it up. dating dynamics, how to attract women, the psychology of it, and why she might get curious about when she thinks you dont need her. Once you start reading you will find out where you went wrong. Also, how to not fall for someone who hasnt fallen for you.

[Chi townD]

 

she was with out with her friends. Why did she call me?

 

Even better question, why did you answer?

 

Thing is, she knows that she broke up with you and she knows she broke your heart. That phonecall was probably to gage the extent of damage that she did. To see how you sounded. Was he depressed, is he angry, is he sad, is he happy?

 

The one thing about women is that MOST women hate the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them. That's why they always ask if "we can still be friends" after they rip your heart out. She would probably want nothing more than to put you in the "friend zone", that way she doesn't have to feel guilty about what she did. Look, you two are broken up and your still really good friends! Maybe breaking uo was the right thing to do after all? See where her mind might go?

 

Stay NC. She made her choice to have you out of her life. So, that's EXACTLY what you should give her. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all.

[MovingOn13]

Hey man,

 

Your story is much like mine...You can read my old posts but basically my first love 5 years met when were 15 dated until we were 20...im currently 21...its been a year since my break up.

 

It all boils down to her wanting to try new things and probably date new people. Do not take it personal...she is in a different head space...and you have to accept it.

 

You must like posters have mentioned, be a ghost and disappear from your life. During htis time of NC, you HAVE to improve yourself. Mentally, physically, economically EVERYTHING. be the best man you can be to attract the best girl out there for you.

 

Sometimes are not meant to be understood right away. I was in your shoes. I went NC for an entire year beginning with day 1. She tossed a few crumbs along the way but i didnt bite. Just improve yourself and be receptive to what the universe has in store for you.

[offcloudnine]

@blindnowisee

 

I think I did exactly what you did, I devoted most of my life to making her happy and completely neglected self improvement...I hope that I can start making some positive changes to me as a person in the foreseeable future.

 

@Eddie Edirol

 

I'm not completely sure why she fell out of love with me, but I suspect it's confusion on her part with her feelings and emotions.

 

I wouldn't want her back if the only reason she was interested in me again was because of her feeling like I don't need her anymore... ><

 

@Chi townD

 

I answered because I can't let myself neglect her...unlike how she has neglected me emotionally. I really hope you're wrong about her calling to gage the extent of damage, because it seemed like she somewhat missed me enough to do it.

 

I agree that the whole "friends after relationships" thing is BS most of the time.

 

I wish I could stay 100% NC, but a big part of me really wants us to get back together if the chance presents itself, of course we'd need to work on what was wrong with the relationship before...and I think LC may be the best way for this.

 

@MovingOn13

 

I completely agree...she's in a different head space now, and I don't how she got there

 

It's easier said than done when it comes to self improvement after experiencing such a heart wrecking incident. But I'm optimistic about trying to improve myself when I'm done picking up the pieces.

 

 

She just sent a text to me addressing me by my pet name and saying that she misses me. Does it mean anything?

[MovingOn13]

Look man,

 

You can't let her use and abuse you like this. She is dangling a string in front of you and your like a cat pouncing on it at any opportunity you see.

 

Lay down your position to her. Let her know where you stand and what you want. Do not be a door mat. Tell you you love her and want to be with her if thats what you feel, but if she isnt willing to put in the work tell her its better off you dont speak at all.

 

By doing this you show her you are emotionally stable ( eeven if ur not) and that you are strong enough to take the blow. Be a man about it.

 

AT THE END OF THE DAY a woman who LOVES YOU wont leave you or want breaks.