LDR Break Up.......So Devastated!!

[Lad123]

Hello All!

 

I have recently broken up with my first girlfriend, of 2 1/2 years. We actually met 5/6 years ago when we worked with each other. I'm 4 years old than she is, so when i found out she liked me i put it down to a teenage crush (she being 17, and me being 21 at the time of meeting). But for the next 3 years we were in regular contact by IM and text etc. At one point we had a large falling out and didn't speak for a couple of months as she thought I was messing her around. But eventually she e-mailed me to apologise and i thought that was that.

 

Not too long after I met her in a club where we first kissed. And consequently we started seeing each as sort of 'friends with benefits'. Again we had our disagreements and lost contact briefly until I got back in contact. From then on we became closer until the day she persuaded me to ask her out...And I never looked back.

 

She was the best Girlfriend I could have ever wished for. She made me so happy when i was around her and I felt she would make me a better person (I was/am quite shy so I never thought someone like her would stay with me for long).

 

During our relationship we had rarely been in the same area for more than a few months. 3 months after we first started going out, she went abroad to study. I willingly perservered with it, I flew out to see her a few times, and kept in contact by phone/text/facebook/ and sent presents through the post. And this first year passed by fine. The next summer we were inseperable. The following autumn, it was time for her to leave home again for University, but this was only an hour away so I could visit her ever other weekend.

After finishing her study, she started to suggest that she wanted to go abroad again for another year. This was hard for me to deal with I admit, as i knew what may happen (and it did). But I chose to see it through as we had done the distance before.

 

After being there a month before Christmas, she returned and, I figured all was ok still, she was still as affectionate as she always was and i enjoyed by time with her.

 

However, less than a month after returning abroad, I thought that something wasn't right. Everytime we spoke it was felt like it was an effort to talk like we had done in the past. So i decided to confront her to see if there was anything wrong.

 

It was the hardest phone call I've ever made. She admitted that since she got back out there, she had decided that it was where she wanted to be and that she didn't want me to be unhappy by forcing me out there.

In the days that followed I sent her e-mails asking for the real reasons as i didn't think that was it. So she told me that she had been wondering alot recently 'what if' as regards seeing other people as i had been her first and only 'proper' boyfriend. And also that we were just too different.

 

I think its sfe to say I have never felt to low as I do now. Its been over 3 weeks since it happened and I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking that it would make me so much happier for her to ring me and ask for me to take her back. And my mood lifts a fair bit when i think like this. but i just end up back to square one when I realise this will never happen.

 

I'm so confused, as only a few months ago before she went abroad again, we had spoken about getting married(she even pointed out the sort of ring she wanted) and the prospect of her moving in with me. She always said that she'd tried so hard for so long to get me that she wouldn't just get rid of me.

 

I know I'm not perfect. I often thought that i wasn't what she expected e to be. I am rather shy in some situations and she always had more friends than i did. So i tried hard to compensate for it by being the best boyfriend I could. I took her places she wanted to go, went out with her and her friends(if she wanted me to that is.....I also never forgot that i should give her space from time to time). I always complimented her to make her feel good. She always made me feel good. That she was proud to have me as a boyfriend and of what I had achieved.

To make me even more confused, she had given me a birthday card before I saw her last. In it she had said that she 'loved me more than ever.'

 

I know that this all must seem quite trivial compared to some of the other threads on here, but I wanted to get my thoughts out in the open, ad also find out what you people would do now.

 

My ex has e-mailed me twice since we split. Telling me about how things were going out there. And also to tell me that she misses me and still thinks about me. In my last reply I decided to say that i couldn't do the friendly e-mails just yet and that i would be back intouch when i felt better. Was this the right thing to do? Should I reply again or should i just leave it now?

 

I have logged into my facebook account recently to see what she was upto. She definately didn't seem to be too worried about it, and a photo of her and a lad she'd met didn't do me any favours!! So Ill be staying off that from now on!

 

I'm sorry if this abit long, I wanted to explain things alot better than i have done. Like I say. I love her so much, and I wish I could have her back and try and do things better. But I know that will never happen. I thought i'd hit the jackpot when she was talking about getting married. But I understand that as she is still young (22) she would have wanted to have more fun! I was nieve to think otherwise.

 

I feel so depressed at the moment. I spend most days choked up just thinking about what has happened and all that i could have done in the past to be what she had wanted.

 

I'll leave it there now cos i should imagine this is getting quite long in the tooth! I hope some of you can provide me with some pearls of wisdom to get me through this!

 

Many Thanks!

[jus d'orange]

It seems like you're doing well (as far as handling a very difficult situation).

 

At first, you're going to need to heal from this. Go totally No Contact as you have done. Take care of yourself. Workout out, eat foods you enjoy, get plenty of sleep, spend time with friends, talk to close friends and family about the way you feel, and do things you enjoy in life. You first need to remember why you're here before you can see life beyond this situation.

 

Next spend time just thinking critically about the relationship and about yourself. Ask yourself hard questions. This will hurt, but asking yourself who you really want to be will give you direction to get through the healing process. You can take this as an opportunity to grow enormously as a person. Think about how happy you would be if you could make a list of 5 things in yourself you would like to make realities, and by the end of this year, you made them happen? Don't be too practical here... dream big about who you want to be. You only get one life, so make it the way you want it.

 

As you go about healing and growing and becoming the person you want to be, your self-esteem and self-respect will return. You will find it easier to maintain NC, and you will begin to see the relationship in a more objective light. When you have reached the point where you have moved on completely, that is when it is a good idea to get in touch with your ex again, or to respond to her attempts to contact. Perhaps the two of you, having both taken this time to learn what is necessary about yourselves and grow as individuals, will reunite and have a stronger, more committed, and happier relationship. Or, perhaps, you will have grown apart. Either way, you will be a happy, strong, self-respecting single guy. Thus, you'll be a catch for any potential lovers in the future!

 

There will be times when this logical, positive attitude to this harsh event will be impossible to maintain. You'll cave and the emotions will wash over you. Remember that it is perfectly okay to cry and to feel lousy in private or with friends. But as soon as you can, dust yourself off and get going down the path again to your brighter future. Think about what a version of yourself 6 months or a year down the road would want you to do today? Would he want you to wallow in self-pity, or would he want you to make each day count?

[Lad123]

Thankyou Jus d'orange.

 

I feel i am beginning to accept the situation more now. Although I had a brief slip up today where I started thinking about it too much.

 

I have been thinking alot about my part in things that, apart from maybe the move abroad itself contributed to the break-up. I feel that i need to come out of my shell more so that, hopefully when I get back into a relationship again I can be the person I really am instead of shying away.

 

Its certainly one of the toughest things I've ever been through, but thankfully this site has allowed me to see that its something that everyone goes through!

 

Thankyou again Jus d'orange!

[jus d'orange]

Thankyou Jus d'orange.

 

I feel i am beginning to accept the situation more now. Although I had a brief slip up today where I started thinking about it too much.

 

I have been thinking alot about my part in things that, apart from maybe the move abroad itself contributed to the break-up. I feel that i need to come out of my shell more so that, hopefully when I get back into a relationship again I can be the person I really am instead of shying away.

 

Its certainly one of the toughest things I've ever been through, but thankfully this site has allowed me to see that its something that everyone goes through!

 

Thankyou again Jus d'orange!

 

You have a great attitude about this. All you can control is your own future... she will have to work out her own thing. It's tough, but remember that the way you make it through such a challenging time will shape the person you become. Now is the time to form the habits you want to have persist throughout your lifetime.

[Lad123]

Thanks again jus d'orange.

 

I have one issue tho, that i would like your advice on. Its 2 weeks today since we last e-mailed my Ex.

In her last e-mail she she said somethings along the lines of:

 

'I'm really missing you, I hope you're not missing me and that you are doing keping your mind off things'

 

To which I replied:

 

'I think you know that I'm be missing you. And tbh, I can't do these friendly e-mails at the moment as the last few weeks have been tough, and its still quite raw.

So I want to leave things until I get used to the idea. I hope you understand. I'll be intouch when I feel better about things.

I still love you so much!!

 

 

Now I've had time to clear my head and think about it...I'm sort of ashamed that I let my guard down and, in effect showed her how upset I was. Which judging by what other folks say on here, was a mistake.

But how do I get round the fact that I said that I would be in contact again??

 

The fact that one of the reasons was that she'd been starting to wonder 'what if' with respect to other men, is starting to feel like a real kick in tha balls for me. It says to me that I wasn't good enough for her....even though she knew how much I loved and respected her.

 

I just feel abit of a mug, the fact that she implied this.....and she wants to stay friends and I'm still willing to go along with it, even though what she said makes me feel like ****!

 

But on the flip side, I still love her and respect her and don't want to upset her by just not keeping my word and not get in contact again. And if I'm honest....at this moment in time, I don't want to ruin any chance of working things out (If thats at all possible, when they have decided they want to move to another country)

 

I'm really confused.

 

Sorry to keep going on! But thanks in advance for any help!

[jus d'orange]

Just keep going with the NC. You will realize that the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to move on. Eventually, you will stop feeling as if you're in love. You need to recognize that losing those feelings is integral to moving on and even to a possible reconciliation. Being in love clouds the objective view of the relationship.

 

Above all, keep to NC and improve yourself as you see fit out of self-respect. She left you, but you still have yourself. Therefore, get out there and make the most of your life!

[Numb79]

I know its hard what you are dealing with right now. Especially since there still seems to be some form of contact from her. Today marks 4 weeks since my break up and it was LDR as well. You would think that things would be easier since it was LDR because you did not spend as much time together versus if you were living in the same city, state, or even in the same country. Believe me.... it doesn't make it any easier.

You just have to keep telling yourself that things will get better. I tell myself that all the time. Sometimes it works.... and sometimes it doesn't. Its kind of weird how fate brings you together even though you are miles apart but at the same time the relationship ends up not working. I know I am unable to offer any advice in your situation other than the fact that..... you are not alone.